[Rylee45]

I've been "spring cleaning" and trying to downsize my "keepsakes" and other things I feel are unnecessary. Not that keepsakes are "unnecessary" but I'm trying to decide what to keep and what not to. What means something to me and what is just "there taking up space".

In the process, I've come across my daughter's things she gave me. Old letters she sent when we first met. Photos she left behind when she left our home. That kind of stuff. It's causing me such grief I can't even explain.

These are things that were given to me and letters written when she still cared about me and didn't start lying about everything going on between she and I. It was before her adoptive mom was able to stop her from caring how I felt and when we had a good relationship.

It's hurting so much I can't stand it. I was at peace with my decision to not have any contact with my daughter and now I'm feeling guilty about it because there WAS a time when she and I were "friends" if nothing else and thats the letters and things I'm running across and all I can do is cry.

I don't know whether to get rid of those things or stuff them away and look at them later. I don't know what to do right now about it.

On one hand I feel getting rid of the stuff would help me just "move on" but on the other hand I feel getting rid of the stuff says I don't care about my daughter anymore and don't love her. But I DO love her and that's why this hurts SO much!

I wish I hadn't found this stuff or decided to spring clean because now I have to think about her again and it's zapping all my energy to say the least having these emotions.

I just wish I could make a decision and stick with it and be COMFORTABLE knowing it's my decision and I"m not being forsed to do anything.

I think being forsed to give my daughter up was why it hurt so much. If I'd wanted to do it and it wasn't a brainwashing situation or one where I didn't know where she was for so long I think it would have been easier.

The emotions would have still been there for the loss and maybe jealousy would have crept in but being forsed to do something against my will is worse in my opinion for me to have done.

I love my daughter so much. I miss her. I miss our talks when we could talk. I miss our joking around and having fun and being able to talk about anything and just being there with her when I could.

I just wish I could turn back the hands of time and start over. I'd have run the other way when I saw her birth dad. Then I would meet the man I'm married to now and we'd have all the kids I have now AND my daughter too. She'd never have been given up for adoption.

Rylee

[quantum]

(((Rylee))))
I'm just sorry this is so hard for you.

[JustPeachy]

Maybe put all the things in a box and put it somewhere in the back of the closet or up on a shelf where you won't have to look at it for awhile. If things change for you later, you may want to look at the items again, but if not, they will still be "out of sight/out of mind." I think you can keep these things out of the way and still move forward. If they are in their own box, and sealed, you can put it where you won't randomly run across it.

[bmomto2_momto2]

I know these things are very painful right now. However, that may not always be the case. You and your daughter may come together again later in life (stranger things have happened). No matter what happens in the future... those things were given to you out of love. One day you will be able to get love out of those again. I do like the idea of putting them up out of the way for the time being though. I am so sorry that you are on such a roller coaster of emotions right now. I hope the ride settles down soon.

[soprano]

Am I remembering correctly that it's more than just keepsakes (which would be fairly contained)? She stored alot of stuff with you that she was supposed to come pick up? If that's the case, it makes it difficult (if not impossible to tuck away). Maybe try to contact her once more, telling her that you cannot store her "stuff" indefinitely... give her a date to come get, after which it will be disposed of? I understand how painful it is to have this hanging there. Is there someone you trust to contact her instead of you having to do it directly?

I hope you find some peace.

Soprano

[Jackiejdajda]

Rylee45

I just wish I could make a decision and stick with it and be COMFORTABLE knowing it's my decision and I"m not being forsed to do anything.

I think being forsed to give my daughter up was why it hurt so much. If I'd wanted to do it and it wasn't a brainwashing situation or one where I didn't know where she was for so long I think it would have been easier.

The emotions would have still been there for the loss and maybe jealousy would have crept in but being forsed to do something against my will is worse in my opinion for me to have done.

I think what you are saying here Rylee is real important.. Being forced to give our babies up is something that puts a block.. (almost) in front of our grief.. It makes it more difficult to find that elusive acceptance..
And heck forgiveness..

I hate being forced to do things now.. I will not do it.. I just plain will not do it.. I think my family has learned to live with this.. And I take my time when I need to change ways..
I am so sorry you are heading back into the hard emotions.. And I agree with the others.. keep what you have.

Jackie

[keds]

Rylee, (((HUGS))). I agree, in haste I disposed of some keepsakes and would do anything to get them back - even though some of them cause pain (a letter from a so-called friend written when I was pregnant advising me we could no longer be friends).

I completely understand how you feel and I'm sorry that you're so upset. I can say it's never a good idea to make decisions when you're really upset. JustPeachy has a great idea - if you can, put them in storage, whether it's at your place or a trusted friend. I sometimes take Scarlett O'Hara's approach (I'll worry about it tomorrow) just to get me through the roughest patches.

All the best and stay in touch.

[RavenSong]

Rylee, put the letters and photographs away in a box, and then put the box way back inside a closet. You'll regret it one day, I am afraid, if you throw the mementos out.

I know you're in a lot of pain, and I wish there was a way to take the pain away from you. Keep hanging in there, girl...

[lahdh4]

(((HUGS))) there are some things of Supergirl's that are way to hard for me to look at. They are in a small box and they are in a drawer. One that I don't open unless I am looking for something and it is in a corner where I won't see when I just open the drawer a crack.
I don't want you to throw them out. Like Raven I am afraid you will one day regret it.

[paigeturner]

Keep them Rylee. I so don't want you to have more pain later if you throw them away. Do what the others have said. Put it away, sealed in a box and up high. You may want to look at those memories again.

[rainmon]

Those big Rubbermaid storage tubs are great for storing things in attic's or basements and you don't have to worry about water damage, or dust, moths, etc... I think it would be good to keep them too.
but out of sight out of mind does help.