[agathaj]

welcome! This thread is to help inform people as to what is a nice/comfortable comment to say to a woman when you find out she is a bmother. Bmothers please post what you would like people to say to you when they learn that you relinquished.
The only good sentence I could come up with today was:
"how is your child/bchild doing?" then I could reply "She/he is doing well at school/work/sport" and the matter could be dropped on a pleasant note.
Anyone got better suggestions?

[agathaj]

sorry, of course this is also for bmothers in closed adoptions so please post too because your answers may be different than OA, thanks Agathaj

[keds]

I was a closed adopton and really hadn't thought about anyone even speaking to me in a positive way so I'll get back to you.

[susieloo]

Birthmum from closed era here. After 11yrs in reunion i will talk to anyone, anytime anyplace....( Almost.) I like to answer peoples questions...infact I probably start boring them. LOL
Up until 7 or 8 yrs ago though I couldn't say much as I would burst into tears. Soon after meeting her I went to an Adoption Support Group...I would bawl my eyes out every time I went to share!
Guess it means I have come a long way! What a ride! Way to go yet though!
Susie

[jlallinson]

I think I might need to get to an Adoption Support Group. After almost 18 years I still bawl at the slightest mention of adoption. Most of the people I associate with don't even know. I haven't hardly told anyone at all.

[jlallinson]

Maybe you could just ask how she "birthmother" is doing. I would probably open up to people more if I felt that they genuinely cared about me instead of just being nosy.

[quantum]

I'm a birthmom who had a closed adoption. I always wished when I made the effort to tell someone about it that they would talk about it with me. Ask how I felt, and so on. Instead I always got people dropping it as soom as possible.
I wish it was something that could be thought of as ok and normal instead of extremely uncomfortable for others to talk about.
jmo

[amyfk]

I probably would just say "oh" or not anything at all just because I dont know what I would say to someone who is a birthmother and I wouldnt want to risk offending her. It may be a copout but I really just wouldnt know what to do.
Amy K, NJ

[InBlindFaith]

I was a closet birthmother for 18 years. After DD turned 18 I started talking about it. I have received alot of responses (odd ones too). I'm not sure what I would want to hear...but one night I fessed up to a girlfriend of mine. Her response "OMG! Me too! I have never talked to anyone about it!" To me, that was the best response EVER!!!! My girlfriend and I keeping the same secret and never knew we had this in common.

[kdecrow]

I told 1 lady at church ( a senior citizen ) and she said "me too! I have a son out there somewhere!"

Isn't it strange? We now have a close bond and a special friendship.

Kim

[SuddenlySusan]

I think I'd be okay with hearing something like, "Wow, that must have been difficult." Then, I could say something like, "Yeah, it was really rough. If you'd like, we could talk about it sometime."

I'm open to sharing my experience, but people who are simply curious rather than compassionate can be a bit trying.

It's kind of like what do you say to someone who is getting divorced, or who has suffered a loss. I think it's good to offer a compassionate word or two, and acknowledge the pain in some way.

Peace,
Susan

[hunny0404]

I told someone new about my son every year on his birthday from the time he was about ten (he is 28 now.) It helped me to not feel so alone since I didn't know anyone else who had placed a child. Only one time did I get an "uncomfortable" response: my "friend" just looked at me for a minute and then changed the subject. This really hurt my feelings even though I knew there must have been something about my story that struck a nerve; I've never found out what it was, and we haven't been in touch for several years, so I don't think I'll ever know.

What was most helpful and comforting was when people showed that they were curious in a caring way. I welcomed their questions and felt glad to be able to increase the number of people who "knew," and relieve some of the feeling of isolation that comes with this territory.

What was most unhelpful was when someone would say, "You are such an unselfish person; I could never have done that." I didn't feel unselfish about my decision; I always felt like it was a cowardly thing for me to do, giving away my child, ashamed that I was not able to find a way to keep him and care for him. And when people said that they don't think they could ever have done it, it just made me feel like a freak. I think they meant it as a compliment, but it felt more like I was some kind of "other" being, the kind who could give her own child away and no one else could imagine being able to do such a thing.

I think the comfort level with certain responses and questions may be a function of where people are in the adoption/reunion experience. After nine months in active reunion (preceded by five months of knowing about each other through a third party, but no contact) I will talk to anyone, anytime about anything to do with my experience. At this point in time, I've gotten to a place where there isn't any comment that can really upset me. Reunion has been the most wonderful and painful phase of my life. Telling my story may help to promote understanding and maybe even help another person to look for support before making the choice I made that resulted in mostly negative consequences for my son, my family, and myself, consequences that I could not have foreseen in the absence of input from someone who had been there. Even a reunion as happy and successful as ours--and it is successful, by any measure I have seen on these forums--cannot undo the life-altering decision I made, thinking it was best at the time. I wish these forums had been available to me in 1978-79...

Others may not share these feelings, but for me, the more open the conversation, and the more information put out there from those who have been there, or are there now, the better, for those of us who feel comfortable talking about it. Speaking for ourselves, rather than having someone else tell our story or "spin" our experience, is very important to me at this point in time so I welcome the questions and comments in a way I couldn't before I arrived at this place in the reunion process.

Thanks for asking,
Susanne

[Christmas]

Thank you hunny0404 for mentioning the 'isolated' thing. Wow..that hits home like nothing else. I believe, and for me...the psychological/emotional isolation that we insulate ourselves in, is soooo wearing and Is sooo taxing on the soul and senses of our being, that...as unlike I have heard here from others...I don't know if I could Ever be able to process this with anyone...ever...what it has been like 'to be a birthmother'. Am not in reunion, yet, but the 'life-altering'..and I must say..'mind altering' experience of it all..Is Unlike anything else that is equally felt by the general population. Sooo...how do I begin?? How do I say it changed my life to unproportional, grievous, enormous degrees? Has anybody had This great an 'experience' with their being birthmothers?

I would just be 'stumped' at what to say...the suppression of so much love and grief will wipe you out..and I have become Much quieter as the years have gone on. Closed adoption, here, too. Submerge your feelings, have your heart go on wrenching..(remember, this is a Life-altering experience...not 'decision'...it's a Big unfinished business with wide and vast psycho/emotional/vocational repercussions.) I know all don't experience this all on the exact level..but I was a deeply feeling person, and this twisted my heart to the depths. If that..unresolved..(and, how can it be?) Will alter the 'presence' of your natural being..because...let's face it...this was Not a 'natural thing to do' >> it brings turmoil that changes as time goes by, but..it changes the real you. Your 'center'. Do we agree on this??

Perhaps, only when I am in reunion..will I (maybe) feel the 'healing' and worthiness of myself, again. (Maybe).
And, maybe the 'words will come'..and the emotions with it..and I will be able to 'speak with loud volumnes' and relief...'What it is like to be a birthmother'.

Thank you for everyone's input.

[hunny0404]

Christmas,
I can't respond in any detail now because I must be on my way to work, but I didn't want to leave without telling you that I could have written every word you just posted about "what it's like to be a birthmother" and every word would be true.

I'll be back later to say so much more. For now, I'll leave you with this:

I agree--it is NOT a "natural thing to do," to give away one's own child. We all had/have our reasons and it might, under some rare circumstances, be "best" (although I'm having trouble over the past year remembering what those might have been for me...), but it is NEVER "natural" and it sets in motion a series of events and emotions that alter one's experience of the world forever. I am fundamentally a different person because of what I did, and what my choice did to me and to those I love...

More later,
Susanne

[quantum]

I guess one of the worst comments I got was 'I would rather have aborted my child than let someone else raise them.'
How can you answer to that?