[Rylee45]

I am feeling so depressed right now I can barely contain my emotions.

I thought I was doing ok (not perfect or without some kind of emotion but ok) with my daughter and not having contact with her but I'm not.

I've been thinking about the fact that not only did I lose my daughter AGAIN because of that witch that adopted her but I'm also losing my 2 grandchildren.


I love those kids so much and all they are ever going to hear about me is that I was a horrible person and that their mother was given up for adoption because I didn't care about her. It's not the truth but that's what my daughter was told and her children are being told the same right now about why I'm not in their lives anymore.

They are being told that I didn't love them and that I caused them trouble and that I'm not their "real" grandmother anyway. I've heard before my daughter and I stopped contact that her adoptive mother had been telling the kids that and had come to her with that information. She had felt bad that her kids were being told the same thing that she'd been told all her life. That's how I know what's being told to them.

I think about how MUCH that no good for nothing adoptive mother has taken from me and all I want to do is scream and put my fist through a wall and whatever other destructive thing I can do.

I can't scream loud enough. I can't cry hard enough. I can't get mad enough. I can't function right now.

I just wish I could die right now. I don't want this pain anymore. I don't want to cry anymore or hurt anymore. I just want to take my car and run it off a cliff and end it.

The pain is overwhelming. I can't handle it.

I wrote a short note to my daughter to let her know that I hadn't gotten hold of her adoptve dad to get her things to him so she could have them and she still won't reply. Even to let me know she's gotten my emails telling her that I was breaking things off and going on my way.

She is acting as if I don't exist. She's never made one single comment telling me good-bye or trying to talk me out of it when I first wrote this time and told her I wasn't going to keep contact with her.

She just dropped out of my life as if I didn't count and that I wasn't any better than a piece of dog crap under her feet. It's why I decided just to end it and not keep contact with her anymore in the first place. I couldn't handle the long silence.

I just don't matter to her. It hurts so much. SO MUCH!!!!!!!!

I never expected her to make me number one or have her in my life as if she were never given away for adoption. Sorry I know the term "given away" isn't correct by other people's description but it is how I feel that she was because I didn't have a choice in her adoption. I was forsed to hand her to the adoption agency against my will and she was not mine anymore and I never knew where she was until she was an adult and I was found.

I just wanted to be somewhere in her life and be some kind of important. Her adoptive mother was the one who stopped that from happening. All because she has enough money to buy that kind of "loyalty" if you want to call it that. I"m not rich enough to have her care about me. I'm dirt poor for that matter. If I had a lot of money my daughter would make every effort to keep contact with me.

I am just so drained right now from all the emotions that I'm feeling right now I feel like I could melt into my chair and become nothing but a pile of skin. I hate this feeling. I want the pain to stop.

I'm still waiting on the counselor right now. I don't know how long that will be before I'll be able to get in. I'm going to talk to my bishop Sunday and ask him if there is any progress on that and if there is something I can do to speed the process up. I don't know how much longer I can do this before I don't stop myself from doing something I will regret.


Rylee

[majicka414]

I wish I had words to fix this for you, but I dont.
Maybe it's a good time to just let it go..let it rest awhile... Of course your going to mourn the loss of her again, it's to be expected.. but you need to make a choice, either she's in your life and you take the abuse she gives you, or shes out of your life. You unfortunately can't have both.

[JustPeachy]

Her adoptive mother was the one who stopped that from happening. All because she has enough money to buy that kind of "loyalty" if you want to call it that. I"m not rich enough to have her care about me. I'm dirt poor for that matter. If I had a lot of money my daughter would make every effort to keep contact with me.

Would you really want her to only care for you for your money, if you had it? What kind of relationship would that be? And even though your daughter's amom is able to buy your daughter's loyalty, your daughter is a grown woman who is making her own decisions/choices. It's a shame she allows herself to be bought & controlled by her amom, but she is making this choice for herself.

I know you are hurting, but if your daughter is being abusive, to the point of poisoning her own children against you, I don't see how contact could be a good thing for you. Nothing will change in this regard unless and until your daughter has a change of heart and basically a personality overhaul. You may need to simply accept things as they are for now in order to find some peace for yourself.

I'm also wondering if upcoming Mother's Day is making you feel worse right now.

Sorry you are going through this

[crick]

Rylee...I'm really sorry you are hurting and while there's nothing I can say to help, I hope you keep talking, venting and get the support you need. This just bites..no other way to put it.

[Jackiejdajda]

Rylee I am so sorry you are in this terrible place..

If I could sit and say a prayer with you I would.. and I personally pray to God for help when the really hard stuff comes.. I pray for help..

I want to say.. this will pass.. and I bet it does..

Jackie