[Rylee45]

I am so upset with myself right now. I feel like an alcoholic craving that next bottle of booze trying to resist the temptation of taking that drink.

It's taking everything in me NOT to try to contact my daughter again. I know even if I did she'd ignore me like she's been doing and without any other reason than she just doesn't want to bother with me and doesn't care how I feel. Very common occurance for the last 11 years.

I made the decision not to have contact with her because I don't want the pain it causes and the resentment towards my mother that I feel, when my daughter doesn't respond or when she says things that hurt my feelings or whatever else she can do to make me feel like crap. I know it's the best thing for me to do this. I know that I am going to get through it but I keep feeling the desperation to give it another TRY. To tell her I'm sorry for telling her I didn't want to have contact anymore.

I know it will only cause me pain. I don't know what to do right now. As I said, I feel like an alcoholic trying to quit drinking only I'm trying to "quit my daughter".

I'm doing things I don't remember doing. Ending up in places I don't remember even heading. I'm finding things done that I KNOW I didn't do but no one else in the house did either. I'm talking about housework or things put away that no one else has touched but they are done.

It's like I'm going around in a daze with my head up my behind. I am so upset about the way I'm feeling that I don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

Rylee

[quantum]

((((Rylee)))).
To me it sounds like your need to contact your daughter is a being a bit self-destructive, kwim? Like part of you wants to punish yourself.
I am so sorry that you are going through all this. You are a good person who deserves better from life. Really.
I know I went through similar behaviour when I left my mentally and emotionally abusive ex.

Maybe there is a part of you who wants to contact her, to have her react how you know she will so that you can justify the decision you made to stop talking to her. Does this make any sense to you?

I wish I lived closer so that I could help you survive this fog.

Give yourself some time to adjust to this decision.

You can always change your mind down the road, in the future and maybe your daughter will have matured enough to respect you then. It seems like you have too much on your plate with your mom to deal with this right now...

Hang in there! Keep posting too.

[Rylee45]

I'm not closing the door forever but I have to do it right now. If someday she wanted to try contacting me again and I felt she was not going to screw around with my emotions again, I might consider regaining contact but right now I wouldn't get any response anyway if I tried to write again. She hasn't responded to anything I've sent since the first part of April. Nothing.

She's done this so many times I can't even count in the 11 years we've known each other. I just kept thinking, "Ok, I'll just deal with it. I'll let her have time to do whatever she wants and we'll just talk when she gets to me."

I really tried to be ok with that. But she'll go sometimes months without any contact and things said in her last contact that make me freak out thinking she might be dead. I mentioned some of those things in another thread.

If I weren't taking care of my mother I might be able to tollerate it because I wouldn't have my mom here reminding me WHY I was forsed to give my daughter up in the first place. KWIM?

I'm almost 50 and I can't get past the feelings of anger and resentment for everything that happened due to the adoption. I blame my mother for not standing up for me and helping me keep my daughter.

I told my mom many times during my pregnancy with my daughter that I wanted to keep her but she would never help me find a way. She went along with everyone and didn't give a crap about how I felt about giving MY child up while she's there with my brother who is only 5 weeks older than my daughter is.

She forsed me to babysit so SHE could go places right after I gave my daughter away. It hurt so bad I can't even TELL you how bad. It's like she didn't care what I was going through.

She never protected me in my lifetime. She let her friends beat on me, my dad beat on me and molest and rape me. She let so much happen to me in my lifetime until I left home that I have a LOT of emotional problems because of it.

Now I'm taking care of her because she's unable to take care of herself anymore and when my daughter is doing what she's doing now all I want to do is scream at my mom or not take care of her and just let her die. I wouldn't do that. I love my mom in spite of the stuff but I still resent her. But I still feel those feelings and I can't do that. I dont' know if that makes any sense.

Obviously there are a lot of other "issues" I resent my mom for but the only one that really gets me wanting to scream at my mom is my daughter's actions. She wouldn't be doing that if she hadn't been adopted by those unfit people. I would have raised her to be a good person like my other kids turned out to be.

Not one single child I raised turned out to be the kind of person my daughter did so I blame her upbringing on that. She wouldn't have turned out like she did If I'd kept her and I wouldn't be dealing with some psycho woman with a control problem telling MY daughter she can't contact me if she wants to be kept in her will.

I just wish I knew why she hates me so much that she'd do this over and over and OVER again. I told her the last time I was about to drop out of her life why I had to do it. I told her what I told you about how I feel about my mother when she (my daughter) is doing the things she does in non-contact especially right after saying something that would lead me to beleive that she's dead until I find out diffrerently.

She said she understood and she wanted me in her life and she'd keep contact with me once a week even just to say hi, I'm fine, don't have time to talk right now. She won't even do that. I just don't understand.

Rylee

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Rylee45

She never protected me in my lifetime. She let her friends beat on me, my dad beat on me and molest and rape me. She let so much happen to me in my lifetime until I left home that I have a LOT of emotional problems because of it.

Now I'm taking care of her because she's unable to take care of herself anymore and when my daughter is doing what she's doing now all I want to do is scream at my mom or not take care of her and just let her die. I wouldn't do that. I love my mom in spite of the stuff but I still resent her.

Can I ask what you are doing for your Mom and where your brother is in all this? Does she live with you?

[Jackiejdajda]

Rylee45

Now I'm taking care of her because she's unable to take care of herself anymore and when my daughter is doing what she's doing now all I want to do is scream at my mom or not take care of her and just let her die. I wouldn't do that. I love my mom in spite of the stuff but I still resent her. But I still feel those feelings and I can't do that. I dont' know if that makes any sense.

It makes absolute sense to me..
John Bradshaw made a series of tapes called ‘Finishing Your Business With Mother’.. a six and half hour workshop.. (I can not give the link as it’s a money making page)
And he wrote a lot of books about how to sort the abuse and the dysfunctional family and or members..

I had those tapes at one point in my life and I did what he told me to do.. I did meditations on telling her how wrong she was and how angry I was.. and I actually connected on a deep level with my feelings..
It helped..

And I looked at my resentments towards her.. how she did not help me when I was pregnant.. how she sent me into abortion places.. and it took me a while to understand that my mom was just a person that was messed with herself.. she acted because this is what she was taught kind of thing..
And that in turn helped me to forgive myself.. as I acted as I was taught.. I did what society wanted me to do.. etc etc..

Obviously there are a lot of other "issues" I resent my mom for but the only one that really gets me wanting to scream at my mom is my daughter's actions. She wouldn't be doing that if she hadn't been adopted by those unfit people. I would have raised her to be a good person like my other kids turned out to be.

But you can not go back.. its done..
Such freedom in that kind of thinking.. you got today.. you got right now..
It’s the resentment that keep taking us back out.. I used food as a way to cope for years.. and then I would vomit the food and say to my mom.. who was not there.. “Its all your fault.”
And I did serious damage to my body.. things I have to deal with now..

I hurt me.. I was running in circles..

I now look at my resentments the minute they show up.. and I deal with them..
I say to myself.. why are you angry? What has gotten you so upset.. what is the trigger..
And I then do not go out and buy a barrel of ice cream or a chocolate fudge brownie..
If I did use those drugs I would be in trouble with my cholesterol.. and I would clog my arteries and I may end up having a stroke or something horrible.. and I do not want to let that happen.. so I have to sort what needs to be sorted right away..

There are tools.. there are books there are ways..

I just wish I knew why she hates me so much that she'd do this over and over and OVER again. I told her the last time I was about to drop out of her life why I had to do it. I told her what I told you about how I feel about my mother when she (my daughter) is doing the things she does in non-contact especially right after saying something that would lead me to beleive that she's dead until I find out diffrerently.

The triggers are happening and all the stuff that needs to be sorted is in need of being sorted..
Take care of you.. love you.. first..


From The Drama of the Gifted Child.. Alice Miller..

Page 27

The damage done to us during our childhood cannot be undone, since we cannot change anything in our past. We can, however, change ourselves. We can repair ourselves and gain our lost integrity by choosing to look more closely at the knowledge that is stored inside our bodies and bringing this knowledge closer to our awareness. This path, although certainly not easy, is the only route by which we can at least leave behind the cruel, invisible prison of our childhood. We become free by transforming ourselves from unaware victims of the past into responsible individuals in the present, who are aware of our past and are thus able to live with it..

Most people do the opposite. Without realizing that the past is constantly determining their present actions, they avoid learning anything about their history.. They continue to live in their repressed childhood situation, ignoring the fact that it no longer exists. They are continuing to fear and avoid dangers that, although once real, have not been real for a long time. They are driven by unconscious memories and by repressed feelings and needs that, in a perverse manner, determine nearly everything they do or fail to do..



Jackie

[Nicole28]

Rylee, have you gotten in touch with any of the contacts that I sent to you in a PM?

I think that you need to make every effort to take care of yourself right now. If I remember correctly, you do not have medical insurance...is this correct? If you DO, I would talk to your doctor & find out if he/she can refer you to a counselor, because I think that it would help immensely.

In the meantime, I think that you are doing the right thing by cutting ties [for now] so that you protect yourself emotionally. It's kind of like a break-up, you know? It hurts so much for awhile, and then you transition and begin to adjust, and you find yourself feeling a little better each day. That's my hope for you!

Also - not sure if you're a big reader, but I have been reading Stress Free For Good by Kenneth R. Pellitier, and I am enjoying it. It has given me a lot of helpful ways to reduce and manage stress because generally I do not do well at ALL when under a lot of stress, and I have trouble coping productively [in my case, I begin a pattern of disordered eating when I feel overwhelmed]. If you are unable to pick it up I am almost finished, and I'd be up for mailing it to you when I'm done if you're interested!!

[Rylee45]

Thanks for the support here. Boy I'm telling you I am not doing too well with all this right now.

My other daughter the one that I had after I gave my first daughter up for adoption told me that she knows that I'm having a hard time but that she thinks due to all the stress I've been under that I made the right decision.

However, last night I STUPIDLY "took that figurative drink" and went into the game room to play the games I like to play and there my daughter was. She didn't see me on players list I'm sure because I didn't post the scores as I usually do after the game is over and unless she was actully looking for me down the list, she wouldn't have seen me. Until she starts posting things in a chat with the others I don't know she's there either.

I sat there reading things she was saying to the other players in the chat box and I just broke down and cried. At one point she was talking about how her husband wanted her to get off the computer so he could go look at his porn. (her words almost exactly) It totally made me want to throw up. Part of the reason for feeling that way is knowing her children are up at the time of night she was on the computer and they will be exposed to that stuff. It truely makes me sick.

She shortly thereafter left the game and I stayed and played because she left. When she came back later, I left for the night because I didn't want to read anymore of the stuff she was talking about. It just upset me too much to see her there and not be able to say, "HEY HOW ARE YOU DOING???" .

I wish I hadn't gone to the game room but I did and now I have to start over and NOT go to the game site again. I just wish I could stop thinking about my daughter.

It's like she's an "adiction". I HATE that feeling. I hate feeling that I want her in my life but I don't want the pain. I can't have it both ways. I know this.

I'm SO angry with myself for giving in and going to the game room like I did. I should KNOW better but I just had to go anyway. I was stupid! I know I went there to play games but in the back of my mind I was hoping she'd be there so I could know she was still ok. I'm STUPID!!!! STUPID!!!! STUPID!!!

As for the question about contacing the people in the PM you sent Nicole, I haven't gotten any response yet. I don't have medical insurance or anything that will help me with even the smallest payment. I am working on something right now for that as I was telling you in one of the messages I sent.

Rylee

[quantum]

Rylee, I think what you did is completely normal.
I think a part of you is testing yourself, a part of you is punishing yourself.
As someone who's 'been there, done that' (not with my birthchild but an ex), with time you will be able to stop yourself easier, you will always care, but you'll be able to separate yourself a bit.
At least this is my experience!
Hang in there girl!

[majicka414]

I wish i had some wise words of advice for you, but I don't,
just hugs...

[Jackiejdajda]

IMO thought addictions are very much the same as physical addictions..
Its still taking a pass.. Its still knowing if you take the ‘thought’ drug you will forget what you want to forget in your life..

I think some birthmoms get addicted to anger.. and I think some birthmoms get addicted to sadness.. and wanting what can never happen..
Today is the first day of the rest of your life..
We can not change any of it.. its done..

All we can do is finally get a life finally do the things that are concerned with who we are.. who I am who you are..

Jackie

[Rylee45]

Jackie, I know you're right about the addiction. I really am feeling that.

Although it's not the same as an alcohol addiction, I remember when I quit drinking how I always wanted to go pick up a beer or other drink when I got depressed. It was horrible to quit but it was right to quit.

Same thing when I quit smoking. It was harder to quit smoking than to quit drinking though I gotta say.

I quit drinking almost 5 years ago. It was on June 5th 2003 I took my last drink. It was January 27, 2002 I took my last smoke. But whenever I get really angry or really depressed the first thing I think about is picking up a beer or something else and get drunk. Or pick up a smoke and smoke myself to death.

The urges haven't completely gone away and from what I understand, they will NEVER completely go away. That sucks.

I just hope the urge to contact my daughter goes away someday. I used to pray before we met that God would konk me on the head or something so I could forget I had a daughter so I wouldn't hurt so much because we weren't ever going to meet. Now frequently I pray for the same thing so I can get away from the pain this is causing. BUT it isn't being taken away from me. I still remember. I still hurt. BUT I'm not "picking up that figurative drink or smoke" to contact her. I'm not going to do that to myself. I just hope I get past the hard part soon.

Rylee

[Jackiejdajda]

Letting go means we acknowledge that hanging on so tightly isn’t helping to solve the problem, change the person, or get the outcome we desire. It isn’t helping us. In fact, we learn that hanging on often blocks us from getting what we want and need.

We can not control our reunions.. We just plain can not do it.. The first step tells us to just give up.. don't try.. and let it go..

The past.. what happened can not be changed.. that is my bedrock.. Its where I start from today..


Jackie

From a very wise woman.. Melody Beattie..
Her daily reader.. The Language of Letting Go.. page 351

Letting Go

“How much do we need to let go of?” a friend asked one day.

“I’m not certain,” I replied, “but maybe everything.”

Letting go is a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical process, a sometimes mysterious metaphysical process of releasing to God and the Universe that which we are clinging to so tightly.

We let go of our grasp on people, outcomes, ideas, feelings, wants, needs, desires – everything. We let go of trying to control our progress in recovery. Yes, its important to acknowledge and accept what we want and what we want to happen. But its equally important to follow through by letting go.

Letting go is the action part of faith. It is a behavior that gives God and the Universe permission to send us what we’re meant to have.

Letting go means we acknowledge that hanging on so tightly isn’t helping to solve the problem, change the person, or get the outcome we desire. It isn’t helping us. In fact, we learn that hanging on often blocks us from getting what we want and need.

Who are we to say that things aren’t happening exactly as they need to happen?

There is magic in letting go. Sometimes we get what we want soon after we let go. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes the specific outcome we desire doesn’t happen. Something better does.

Letting go sets us free and connects us to our Source.

Letting go creates the optimum environment for the best possible outcomes and solutions.

Today, I will relax. I will let go of that which is upsetting me the most. I will trust that by letting go, I have started the wheels in motion for things to work out in the best possible way..