[Rylee45]

Well, I finally did it. I've made a definite decision and I'm hoping that I can hold to it.

I'm breaking all links to my daughter. It hurts so bad but I gave her every opportunity to contact me and let me know one way or the other about she and I.

I'm going to be contacting her adoptive dad and taking her things to him instead of having her husband coming to my house to get the things. I just feel it's best my whereabouts stay unknown.

I wrote several emails, several IM's trying to get her attention and telling her what I was going to do and get her feelings about it.

The last thing she said to me several weeks ago is that she'd found her birth father. Or thought she had anyway. He skipped out on her after their initial contact when I first met her 11 years ago. He showed up at the airport to meet her too. After he got to know her for a few days, he changed his phone number. Moved where she couldnt' find him and has not had any contact since. Then she tells me she thinks she's found him and since then I've had no further contact from her whatsoever after that statement in an IM we were having on her birthday.

I know she's online because I've seen her on the game sites that I was going to before she ever knew about them. I told her about the free game sites and she wanted to try them out. Now she's "buddy buddy" with everyone there EXCEPT me.

I'm not going to keep going to those game sites. I hate that because I play games online sometimes so I can relax and not think about anything but the game. It's been my escape. Now I have to quit going to the ones I like so much so I don't run into her anymore.

Nothing I can do to get her to respond. I know she is online and ignoring me. It hurts SO bad I can't even express it.

As I've said before she's a mind game player. She wants to hurt me. She knows how much I wanted her to keep contact with me on a regular basis but she doesn't give a rats butt about how I feel.

When I had planned to say goodbye for good the last time and told you all about that, I took some advice and stayed in contact after she promised to chat with me once a week.

Now that she's doing this again and ignoring every attempt I've made to contact her I just can't deal with it. Even when I wrote to tell her that my mother was in the hospital a few weeks ago she didn't write to ask how she was doing or even acknowledge that she'd gotten the message about my mother.

I just can't take this anymore. I love her but I just can't do this anymore. I feel horrible about it but it's a decision I have to stay with and someday I hope things change but she is such a selfish, self centered person who doesn't care about anyone but herself that I doubt she'll ever see what she's doing or ever care how I feel or how the rest of our family feels.

I've been as patient as I can be with her. I've taken a LOT of crap from her and her adoptive family and her husband. I've done more for her than anyone gives me credit for and I've been there for her no matter what since we met.

I can't do that anymore. I just can't.

I keep thinking (although I know it's just anger and sadness of what's going on now) that maybe I should have done what the agency told me to do and go home and "move on" and "forget" about her so I could live a better life.

If I hadn't been so angry and frustrated and feeling so much betrayal and everything else, I might have been a better person. A better mother (even though I was ok at being a mother). Maybe might have made something of myself and not be in the rut that I'm in now.

I never did anything with my life. I've been too angry about everything that's happened and not been able to forgive and forget and I've done a LOT of stupid things.

I was a drunk, drug addict (smoked a lot of pot), angry and lashing out at everything that didn't go my way. I have never been able to hold a job and now I've got finantial problems because I can't hold onto a job long enough to make a difference.

I hate what my life has been. I just hope someday I can stop being so angry and so depressed about living. I hate it.

I just wanted to let you know what I've done. I wish I hadn't have had to but I think it's the only way to save MY sanity. Let go of her and pray for the best.

Rylee

[lahdh4]

(((HUGS))) and good luck

[RavenSong]

Rylee, I'm so sorry it's come to this. But you have to take care of yourself first and foremost, especially right now. You have your hands full taking care of your mother, and I know that's been incredibly difficult for you. You aren't anybody's doormat. I think you should follow your instincts of self-preservation, at least for the time being.

Hugs to you, my friend. Hang in there....

[quantum]

((((Rylee))))
I hope that making a decision helps you! You DO need to take care of yourself and maybe with some distance, that will be a bit easier.

[slbullough]

Im sure all of us have skeletons in the closet. No human being is perfect You are an insperation. Yoh have a past history of alcohol and drug use but you have had the strength, motivation and willpower to stop. I urge you to think about how far you have come and what you have achieved.
Regards to your daughter she is missing out on a wounderful person.
Keep your chin up
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
S Adoptee

[bromanchik]

It's not a matter of "forgetting her and moving on." It is about finding a place to tuck her away so you can get your life back. One of the things I suggest to my clients is to get a small box an put in it a few things that remind you of her. Then put it out of your sight, where you are unlikely to run into it. (In the attic corner, in the basement, give it to a friend to save, bury it) There is something cathartic, a process of sealing off that part of your life that my clients have found to be helpful.

Think about it.

[Jackiejdajda]

Rylee45

I'm not going to keep going to those game sites. I hate that because I play games online sometimes so I can relax and not think about anything but the game. It's been my escape. Now I have to quit going to the ones I like so much so I don't run into her anymore.

Distracting myself from my feelings was a way of life.. now it is not.. Now I can cry and rage and put up boundaries..
We all can learn how to do this.. And I personally believe it is about cracking through what we have put into ourselves (what was put into us) and looking at all of it with our now adult eyes..

An inside job..

I just can't take this anymore. I love her but I just can't do this anymore. I feel horrible about it but it's a decision I have to stay with and someday I hope things change but she is such a selfish, self centered person who doesn't care about anyone but herself that I doubt she'll ever see what she's doing or ever care how I feel or how the rest of our family feels.

And you can not force her to change.. All you can do is protect yourself.. And you get to decide how to do said protection..

I keep thinking (although I know it's just anger and sadness of what's going on now) that maybe I should have done what the agency told me to do and go home and "move on" and "forget" about her so I could live a better life.

Easier said than done..

If I hadn't been so angry and frustrated and feeling so much betrayal and everything else, I might have been a better person. A better mother (even though I was ok at being a mother). Maybe might have made something of myself and not be in the rut that I'm in now.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.. and you get to have a life..

I never did anything with my life. I've been too angry about everything that's happened and not been able to forgive and forget and I've done a LOT of stupid things.

I was a drunk, drug addict (smoked a lot of pot), angry and lashing out at everything that didn't go my way. I have never been able to hold a job and now I've got finantial problems because I can't hold onto a job long enough to make a difference.

Yesterday is gone.. You can not do a single thing about it.. but you can do something about today.. right now..

Did you go to any program or did you get therapy when you stopped using drugs etc?

A dry drunk is someone that is white knuckling it.. is just stopped without finding the reason behind why he or she used drugs etc in the first place..
Twelve step program has a person do an inventory of themselves.. and IMO the result of this is the forgiving of the self and others that have hurt them.. or learning how to do this.. This in order that the person does not need a drug etc in order to get through the day..
Taking a pass does not help the person..and I can remember someone sharing at an NA meeting that when they take a pass on a problem and use a drug.. the problem is still there plus the problems from the results of using..

I hate what my life has been. I just hope someday I can stop being so angry and so depressed about living. I hate it.

I think some of us need to turn around and grieve what we have not grieved.. grieve the terrible times in our childhood.. like what has happened to you.. Grief has a end.. Grief has a way of finding its way into acceptance.. and then calm..

I just wanted to let you know what I've done. I wish I hadn't have had to but I think it's the only way to save MY sanity. Let go of her and pray for the best.

And take care of you.. I pray for the best for you..

Jackie

[lalgee]

Can you let her alone and stop trying to communicate with her without burning the bridge and cutting off all contact? Does it have to be "answer me or I'll never talk to you again, and here's all your stuff"?
I don't have all your details but have read many posts about this situation, and I was just wondering if maybe you could just let her alone and go about your business without breaking all ties?
That is what I would do. Maybe. Who knows. I've never walked in your shoes.

[Rylee45]

Thank you all for your comments. I do appreciate the things you've said.

As for the question of can I just let her alone and stop trying to communicate without burning bridges and cutting off all contact.

The answer is no. I have left her alone. I've gone months without hearing a word from her then all the sudden there she is and she acts like she really cares and then drops out of sight again for long periods of time.

When she does that it effects my emotions and then I have "issues" with my mom because of her being part of the reason that I was forsed to give my daughter away in the first place and it makes it more difficult to take care of my mother with love instead of resentment.

The other thing that happens is I go into a deep depression and feel like ending my life. I wouldn't end it but I have those wishes that God would just strike me dead so I didn't have to deal with the pain over and over again.

She will end conversations with things like, "I'm having such severe pain in my gut that I am going to the ER." or something like, "I'm leaving my husband because I can't stand it anymore and I'm afraid he's going to kill me, and then not contact me for weeks or longer and I can't get hold of her. Any snail mail that I send comes back as undeliverable. So I'm left wondering if she's alive or dead then all the sudden I see her in the game rooms and I know she's fine and just ignoring me.

And it isn't "answer me or I'll never talk to you again and here's all your stuff". When I told her the last time that I was having such a difficult time with her non responses and those last words I just described in her last IM's before her long periods of time not contacting me that I couldn't deal with it anymore, she asked me to give her another chance and she'd contact me once a week to chat. I just can't handle the stress she puts on me.

It's been 11 years since we met. There's no excuse for her behavior or abuse. If she doesn't want me in her life fine. But I'm making the decision this time and not letting her control me anymore. She's controled me for long enough and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the emotional issues that I have because of her actions or non actions.

Her things I'm talking about have been here since 2003. It's time she takes her stuff back. It's taking up space I really don't have anymore now that we're in a new house. Besides she has wanted me to get it back to her anyway but I'm not going to let her come here or know where I am or my new phone number or anything. That's why I'm taking her things to her adoptive dad's house. I just have to make the arrangements and then let him get her stuff to her or not. It will be out of my hands.

My emotions are just to deep over the adoption and then the abuse I've gotten from her and her adoptive mother are just too much. She hasn't even told her adoptive mom that we've been chatting on line for the past few years. She's had to keep it a secret so her adoptive mom wouldn't take her out of her will.

She couldn't tell her that I was the one who bought her the computer she has. She told her adoptive mom that she won it in a raffle she entered. It's ridiculous!

So, yes breaking ties is going to help me get on with my life and she won't have to worry anymore about her adoptive mom finding out about us chatting.

I just can't let her ruin anymore of my life. I will love her forever. That won't change but until she's grown up (she's 32 years old) and stops letting her adoptive mom decide what her life is going to be I can't have her in my life anymore. It's her adoptive mom who caused her to turn out to be the kind of person she is and that's something that I can't do anything about. But I can decide what I want in my life and I don't want the pain anymore.

Rylee

[lalgee]

Yes, I see what you mean. Given those circumstances and the years that this has taken place, you just might gain a little sanity by taking control like that. That is what you have to do sometimes. Your heart has been really open to her and she tramples it over and over. You, being the adult, have left the door open for a long time and no matter how mature someone is, enough is enough.
I hope I didn't sound as if I were second guessing you - I just really didn't understand what you were going thru since I have not been afforded the opportunity for reunion. I want to prepare myself in the event I ever do get that priviledge, and truly asked in naivete. Thanks for the grace with which you answered those questions I asked.
We're with you, girl. This isn't easy, and cutting her off like that will probably be like losing her again. But we're standing with you for all that is worth.

[Mockingbird]

Your daughter sounds like she is fairly immature. She's foolishly giving up a lot to be able to be kept in someone's will who may not pass away for many, many years. Hang in there and do what you need to do. When she eventually matures, she may be able to have a relationship with you.

[SuddenlySusan]

((( Rylee ))) ... I am so sorry you are hurting, Rylee. My thoughts are with you...

Peace,
Susan

[Rylee45]

Lalgee, I understood your questions. I knew you weren't being mean or judgemental. I'm just glad you understand now why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Mockingbird, Yes my daughter is very imature to say the least.

This has been REALLY hard for me to do. Believe me I keep almost going to the game site to play the games "hoping" she's there just so I can know she's still alive. But if she saw me and tried to IM me (although I know she wouldn't) I would have to click out and go away and cry.

I have to find other places to go. I don't know how else to deal with this. I've done a LOT of crying these days but I know that this is best. I know that once I get used to the idea that this really is "IT" and I'm not taking anymore and this IS for the best and see the "best" coming out of not worrying about her all the time and whether she contacts me or not I will probably get past it.

This is like going through the adoption over again. But then I've had to deal with other things that have felt the same since she and I met. I can't go through this for the rest of my life.

However, if she ever actually contacts me and really sincerely means the things she's saying and not "patronizing" me to get something from me, I MAY (but I don't know) try it again. However that is going to be a VERY long time before I let her in my life again IF she ever wants back in.

I just don't want to deal with this anymore. It hurts so much I can't bare it right now because I love her so much. I really do. I wish she loved me too.

Everyday that's passed since making this decision is killing me inside. I hate it. BUT...

I'm going to get through this! I'm going to get through this! I"m going to get through this! I've GOT to get through this!

Rylee

[kune]

Rylee
I have no answers or no advice. but I do have a whole lot of sympathy for you. Making difficult choices seems to be part of a birthmom's life eh? Tough it out and as lalgee said... "We're with you, girl. This isn't easy, and cutting her off like that will probably be like losing her again. But we're standing with you for all that is worth".

Ann

[keds]

Rylee, no words, just - I'm here behind you, hopefully to keep you upright.