[majicka414]

I gave up my daughter 15 years ago at birth. It was a semi-private adoption, they were supposed to provide me with photos and updates from time to time, in the past 15 years I only recieved 3 of them. I felt ripped off..but I knew she was in good hands, I just told myself their lives were busy and one day we would meet.

I'm a big time busy body, and from time to time I'd google her and not find anything much, if at all. She'd enter my mind from time to time, but it would be fleeting what ifs, missing her, wondering etc..but they would pass.

I found her birthfather on myspace a few months back and we started chatting (we hadn't spoken in about 14 years). We broke-up on friendly terms, and even tho we are not raising our daughter we are still deeply connected by her.

Anyhow, after searching for him, I decided to search myspace and facebook and came up with a full hand in both aspects. For awhile the photos soothed my heart. her bfather and I oohed and ahhed over how much she looks like me, how her mannerisms (she had some silly videos of herself) were completely me. Months later, the photos no longer satisfy me... I've actually made it fairly easy for her to cross my path if she looks..but much like I don't want to contact her yet, she may be afraid to contact me. I'm not sure how to make it "known" to her I'd be willing to communicate...of course I can put something on my pages saying "missing my daughter" or something like that..but much of my family, and inlaws are also friends on my page and my in laws have no idea about this..and it's really not something I feel they need to know right now.

I know she knows she's adopted, and she "knows" who I am, sort of...mostly through photos and letters I've sent over the years..I've of course gathered this info via snooping on her pages.

I want to message her so badly, I'm dying to message her but she's 15. I don't want to ruin her life or upset her in any way. It's funny how I don't know her yet I miss her so much.

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm adopted and seeing her face, knowing she's the only one I know who looks like ME.... I've had no luck myself searching, I've pretty much given up... for over 10 years I've been posting my info on boards, and my figuring is, my mom's not looking. I just sent for my Non Id from NYS.

But back to my daughter..I really long to know her. I don't know if I can wait 3 years till she's 18.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

[RavenSong]

In my opinion, you really need to wait until she turns 18 years old before you contact her without her parents' permission. She's still a child in the eyes of the law, and I'm afraid if you contact her, you could be setting yourself up for some legal headaches.

Is it possible to contact her adoptive parents? Maybe they would be willing to open some dialogue, especially if your daughter has requested any contact with you.

Believe me, I know how hard this is for you. I reunited with my son shortly after his 18th birthday. And it was soooo hard to wait those last few years. What I did that seemed to help me was join a triad support group, where I met other birthmoms. I was also able to connect with adoptees and aparents in the group, who helped me in my road to reunion. I also read every book I could find on adoption and reunion issues. I went into therapy and dealt with my grief and other bmom issues. And I started keeping a journal so that I could identify what areas of my life I needed to work on to be healthier.

If you are planning on reuniting with your daughter while she is still a teenager, you should concentrate on building a good relationship with her parents, too. Reunions seem to go a lot smoother with young adoptees if they don't feel torn between two sets of parents. Your daughter won't feel as "disloyal" toward her parents if you make them part of the reunion and have a positive relationship with them. Just my two cents...

[majicka414]

I could contact her a-dad very easily... I have gleaned some info via her pages, apparently a-mom and a-dad divorced several years back (she has mentioned a stepmom), a-mom used to respond to my xmas cards and letters but stopped about 8 or 9 years ago. I'm wondering if I should contact a-dad instead. I had a wonderful relationship with both parents throughout my pregnancy. A-mom still lives in the same place she always has, A-dad lives in the city, and his address is easy enough to find. Perhaps Ill send a note.

I know I shouldn't contact her until she's 18. It's wrong and I have been brought up with a good moral compass, so I won't. The desire is very very very strong...and sometimes talking about it, especially with people who understands helps.

[Jackiejdajda]

We love our relinquished kids.. we love them a lot..

Making sure they come first is beyond hard.. I agree with Raven.. contact the aparents.. both of them if you want.. why not..

Jackie

[JustPeachy]

Can you send a letter to your daughter through the agency you placed with? It will be forwarded to one of the aparents (I imagine the one she is living with) since she is a minor, but you could indicate in the letter that you would be open to communicating with her. Maybe until she is 18, you can send updates to one another that way. This way she knows you want to open up the communication between the two of you and can perhaps "set the stage" for reunion once she is 18.

[Rylee45]

I'd be very careful right now. If she doesn't know your on myspace reading things, and she finds out you are she may block you or she may stop putting her information out to be available for anyone but those on her friend's list.

The other thing to consider IMO is her aparents not contacting you or giving you things you were promised at the adoption might be a jealousy thing and if you contacted them now they may stop her from being online with the myspace or monitor her or something else.

I could be wrong about that but believe me, I've had too much crud happen due to adoptive parents with my daughter and I KNOW if my daughter had been online at that age with a "myspace" page or something and I tried to contact her before she was 18 they would have put a hault to that in a snap of the fingers. I'm sure of that.

But I think the others have given some good advice here. I'd personally proceed with caution for sure since she isn't 18 yet. JMHO.

Rylee

[majicka414]

It was a private adoption, not thru an agency, we became very good friends throughout my pregnancy, but after L was born, we went our seperate ways..I think it was better that way. They never denied me sending updates, and I still do at least once a year, but to the a-mom. If they moved (they did once) they always let me know where I could get in touch with them. They've never hidden themselves from me, nor have i from them. Their info is as easy as looking it up on whitepages.com, it always has been.

I composed an letter to the a-dad today, I told him I was contacting him because I'm involved in my own search and I'm frustrated. I told him that I never want L to feel that way ever. I'm always here for her if she ever needs or wants to talk to me about anything. I told him I'd love a relationship with L, and I promised him I wouldn't contact her until she's 18, unless of course she wanted with his permission to contact me before then. I told him that I hope he doesn't mind that I contacted him, but I just felt that I needed to let L know those things, because I feel so lost (and I really do..but that's another story for another thread ). I also gave them my contact info (which a-mom has already), and also told them they could look me up on myspace or facebook under my name if they wanted to snoop around.


So, i guess we will see what happens.

Thanks for listening!! You guys are really great. I'm so glad i joined this forum... I'm looking forward to hanging around.

[txrnr]

What a great letter to adad! Honestly. If I was a 15 yr old adoptee, I'd love to know that you were thinking of me, that you went through my parents, and that you were concerned with how I might feel now, or even later. Very, very cool. You made it about her, and not you. (even though your feelings and needs are just as important)

[Oceans]

I agree - Great job on the letter. Please let us know what happens. I will think good thoughts for you!

[majicka414]

thanks, ill definitly let you all know if I hear anything..I'm leaving for vacay for a few days, so hopefully if he does decide to get in touch w/ me it's not via regular mail. (I gave him my email and cell as well).

[browneyes0707]

Majika:

I'm in the same boat. I found my DD on myspace when she was 14. She was placed in a semi-open adoption, I was friendly with her parents, and we kept in touch for a time and drifted off. I shared the info with my ex (her birthfather) and he opted to contact her directly via myspace, which shocked her and upset her parents a bit ( I don't think he did it thinking he was doing anything wrong, I think he just had an innocent lapse in judgement) I wrote her a-mom directly.

DD just turned 16, and tho she isn't ready to talk to me directly, I do get some updates and info from her a-mom. I am going stir crazy from the wait too, but I tell myself 2 years flew by, 2 more can't take much longer!!! So I'm waiting with you

Hope you hear something from a-dad soon! Keep us posted!