[Rylee45]

Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with life and the anger and frustration that I am still holding in. Taking care of my mom and feeling the way I do about things is making things so hard to take care of my mother.

I love my mom but I keep thinking about how she never protected me and now how I'm supposed to protect her because she is now MY responsibility. I hate feeling like this. I know I've talked about these feelings before but they are just flooding in right now again and it's like an ocean wave that is covering me and drowing me.

I had some friends over the other day. We were talking about all kinds of things. I was in a very emotional mood over my daughter and started telling them a little more about my situation and how it was and how I was cooerced into giving my baby away and how hard a time I'm having lately again.

One thing that was said to me that I dont' know if I can do is to leave it in the hands of the Lord.

I was told that I should kneel and pray and talk it over with the Lord and let him have my pain. They told me that's what the atonement of Jesus was all about. Taking on our sins, and our pain. I was told that I needed to get through it and that in the end when life is over and everyone is in heaven everything will be settled and I will have peace if I don't have it here before I die.

I don't know what to think about that or if that will work or not to help me with my pain.

I feel so stupid being so angry still after 32 years. I just don't know why I can't get past this and why it still hurts as if it were happening over and over again right now. I just don't know how to get it out of my head and out of my heart and go on in life and not worry about who hurt me and what happened.

I've been told so many times that there's nothing I can do about the past it's gone. I've been told that I need to move on and let things go but I can't. I just can't.

I don't know why this is so hard to do and so hard to get past and so hard not to cry sometimes when my daughter treats me so bad.

I have no idea when her husband is coming to get their things. They don't even know my address I haven't given them our new address. We've been here a year now. I just don't want them coming to my house unexpectedly. When they come to get their things I plan on meeting him somewhere other than my house. Somewhere far from where I actually live.

I don't know why I don't want them knowing my home address or phone number. I do know that if my daughter had my home phone number she'd call me up when she is drunk and just start talking on the answering machine telling me how much she loves me. That's what she did when she had my other home number before we moved where we are now.

I know her drunk talk is just that "drunk talk" because she doesn't feel the same or treat me very well when she's sober. I don't want to deal with that.

She's back to ignoring me again. Remember when I told you how stupid I felt about having contacted my daughter again after she contacted me begging me to talk to her so many times? Well, we started chatting online again a lot and now she's back to being silent and acting like I dont' exist. I can't get hold of her no matter what I do.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I get my hopes up that she'll change but she doesn't. She just keeps doing things she knows hurts me. She hates me I know this. If she didn't, she wouldn't always be out to hurt me by non-contact and other things she does.

My energy levels are so low right now I can barely even get out of bed these days. I feel like I've been drugged and it's not wearing off. I just don't know what to do with myself these days.

I hate it that she has so much control of MY life. I hate having to "kiss her butt" when we do talk in order not to piss her off and be the reason she doesn't contact me. Or the reason she will give for not contacting me for months or years.

I hate having to know that just because she was adopted that it's an acceptable practice to pull away or to treat their first mother so rudely or cruel. ALL because they were adopted and some other woman raised them instead of the mother who gave birth who should rightfully have been able to raise their own child.

I feel so angry with everything and so much like punching my fists into the walls until all the walls have holes in them. I want to throw things and scream until my voice is gone. I just want to go to the agency where she was adopted and beat the living hell out of all of them!

Would that solve any of my problems? No. But it might make me feel better. I won't do that but I just want life not to be so depressing and to not have the adoption be the MAIN topic in my mind everyday all day long. I want peace. I want to stop feeling the emotional pain I feel all the time. It's making it difficult to live or to do the things I need to do like taking care of my mother. I just want my life to be normal. I don't think that's too much to ask but I am sure there is no more "normal" for me in my life.

Rylee

[bromanchik]

I am so sorry you are going through so much.

I hate it that she has so much control of MY life. I hate having to "kiss her butt" when we do talk in order not to piss her off and be the reason she doesn't contact me. Or the reason she will give for not contacting me for months or years.

I hate having to know that just because she was adopted that it's an acceptable practice to pull away or to treat their first mother so rudely or cruel.

You don't have to "do" anything. As painful as it may be for you to cut her from your life, you have a right to do it. No one deserves to be treated badly no matter what their famelial connections are.

[quantum]

Oh Rylee! *hugs*
I get the anger, I really do. I do not understand people who can just 'let it go' . How the heck do you do that??

It's overwhelming for you, I read that. I get that. You are not alone.

Brenda is right though. I can understand the difficulty in letting go, but maybe it's the healthiest thing for you. I know it won't help your overwhelming anger though. I know that how she is is contributing to that.

I wish I had a cure for you! I'm here though. And I get it.

[Rylee45]

Thank you for your thoughts and support.

I am so exhausted these days. I just wish I could stop thinking so much about what happened. I really do. I NEED some peace in my life.

Rylee

[Nicole28]

Rylee -

I'm an adoptee, and I am so sorry that you are hurting. I have to tell you, though, that even after 32 years I can understand why you may still be struggling with your daughter's adoption. I'm almost 24, and people have said to me before "You know, you're an adult...you were adopted when you were 3 days old. How long are you going to let yourself feel [insert every possible emotion here] about something that happened so long ago?!" You & I both know that you can't understand why we hold on unless you've been through it. Quite honestly, this kind of pain is not that much different than the loss of a family member, you know? It is interesting, though, how you never seem to hear someone tell a widow who lost her husband fifteen years ago that she needs to "move on with her life" or "get over it," you know?

I hate having to know that just because she was adopted that it's an acceptable practice to pull away or to treat their first mother so rudely or cruel. ALL because they were adopted and some other woman raised them instead of the mother who gave birth who should rightfully have been able to raise their own child.

In response to what you said above - as an adoptee, I am going to guess that your daughter feels a lot of anger as a result of her adoption. I know that I do. I do think that it is completely inappropriate to direct that anger at YOU. I do not know the circumstances surrounding your adoption experience, but referring to your daughter's adoptive mother as "some other woman" just doesn't seem fair, you know? Anyway - - despite feeling anger as a result of being an adoptee, I would never direct it at my biological mother [if I ever had the opportunity to know her]. But have you tried to ask her why she feels so angry? Have the two of you discussed why she begs for contact but then ignores you? I feel like this is not uncommon, you know? Reunion must be such a difficult process - and I'd assume that it is also a gradual process. If you have not yet talked to your daughter about where her anger is coming from, maybe you should...maybe she can allow herself to open up to you.

On a different note, for your own sake, I hope that you find a way to be peaceful and to heal. You have a right to be happy and feel whole & at peace! I hold birthmothers in a very high regard because I know that they made [in many cases] a selfless decision in the best interest of their child. Have you sought out counseling?

I am not particularly religious, but I can appreciate the message behind the "put it in the Lord's hands" suggestion. At the same time, though, I'd imagine that you're craving a more timely feeling of peace and comfort, you know? Hang in there...and stick up for yourself, too. I think withholding your contact info. from your daughter is a wise idea. Maybe cutting all ties with her will eventually force her to realize that a relationship with her biological mother is a gift, not a curse, and that she needs to take it seriously and be respectful of you.

[Adoption_Ally]

Sometimes we can't work things through by ourselves. And it's just plain rediculous to tell someone that it's in the past, so just move on. Well, if we could move on, we would have by now!

IMHO, you sound clinically depressed. If you can, please please please find a therapist who has experience with these issues. I can't tell you how much it has helped me in the past to have a professional objective individual to help me work out some very painful experiences. Therapy certainly isn't a panacea, nor is it easy. It's probably gonna hurt like hell, but in the end it does get better.

You also might consider going on an anti-depressant. I hated the idea of taking drugs to cope with life, but by my late 30's, I just couldn't deal with it anymore. It was the best decision I ever made.

You have every reason to fell the way you do, and having people discount those feelings by implying that you should 'just get over it' only makes matters worse. On top of the anger and grief and loss and sadness and everything else, now you feel inadequate because the implication is that it's your fault that you feel that way.

Please don't try to make it alone. Let someone help.

[JustPeachy]

In addition to therapy, for me, some of the best remedies for moving through difficult emotions have been living as good a life as I can, pursuing meaningful things that interest me greatly, and making the most of the time I have on this earth. Exploring creative hobbies, like art or music, can help take your mind off of unpleasant things. There is often a meditative quality to these pursuits. Gardening is also another good outlet. When/if my son contacts me, I hope to be someone he is proud of, as I am of him. If things don't work out for us for whatever reason, I will still have other outlets to turn to when things get rough.

You shouldn't have to accept bad or abusive treatment from your daughter, that's for sure. You must want very much for things to be different, and not being able to control that is hard. Also, no one should tell you to "just get over it" as this is not something you can just get over! Your feelings are your feelings and not something you should feel "stupid" about. And I can totally understand the resentment you feel toward your mom. Can you get some respite care to come in and give you a break every now and then? It seems as though you really have a lot on your plate right now. I hope you will soon find some peace.

[jrainbow]

Being a sandwich - squeezed in the middle between a demanding mother and a manipulative child - is one of the worst places to find yourself. Been there, done that - and I didn't have the anger of being a bmom on top of all of it.

Please find some help - a therapist, a counselor, meds, something. It is not weakness to find help when you need it and which all the issues you are dealing with - you need it. There are ways to deal with things but when you are so overwhelmed, there is no way you can deal with even simple life. You are a very strong woman, just can't see your way at at this time.

Hugs and prayers as you try to come up for breath.

[Rylee45]

I do wish I could go to counseling but I can't afford it. I wish I could go because I know I have things I can't get over without the help of someone who can help me understand how to go about getting through/past it and move on with my life.

Because I'm taking care of my mom I can't get a job and without getting a job I can't afford the money to go to a counselor.

It's a never ending cycle of crap and reasons I haven't been able to go. Finantially I'm pretty low in money. I can barely afford to live on my husband's social security income.

If I could afford to go to a counselor I'd be there right now. I know I need something. I need to get some help but everything I've checked into costs more money than I can afford to pay.

I have to find some way to deal with this other than anger and depression. Or sleeping when my mom isn't needing something.

Rylee

[RavenSong]

Rylee, I really think that being your mother's caretaker is triggering a lot emotions for you. As I've told you before, adult survivors of child abuse (emotional and/or physical) are placed in a very precarious position when they become their abusive parent's caretaker. I know for myself that I have already decided not to take care of my mom if and when that time comes. I'll help pay for an assisted-living facility or nursing home, but I will not subject myself to her venom and hostility.

It's not surprising to me that you're depressed and in a lot of emotional pain right now. Between being subjected to your daughter's hurtful behavior and your mother's demands, I can see why you just want to go to bed and sleep. I know you can't afford a therapist in private practice, but have you considered going to your County Mental Health Department? I'm pretty certain you'd qualify for free treatment, including antidepressants and counseling. Most counties throughout the nation offer free services to individuals with limited incomes. It wouldn't hurt to see if you qualify. You can find your local CMH listed in the county government (blue) pages of your telephone directory. Sometimes they're called "County Mental Health", and sometimes "Community Mental Health".

One other suggestion I have for you is to contact your County Department of Social Services. Many of them offer free elder-care services, including respite care. It might make all the difference in the world if you could take a break for a few hours once in a while. Call them...

Hang in there, kiddo. And keep talking to us!

[Jackiejdajda]

Rylee45

I love my mom but I keep thinking about how she never protected me and now how I'm supposed to protect her because she is now MY responsibility. I hate feeling like this. I know I've talked about these feelings before but they are just flooding in right now again and it's like an ocean wave that is covering me and drowing me.

I had some friends over the other day. We were talking about all kinds of things. I was in a very emotional mood over my daughter and started telling them a little more about my situation and how it was and how I was cooerced into giving my baby away and how hard a time I'm having lately again.

One thing that was said to me that I dont' know if I can do is to leave it in the hands of the Lord.

Anger..

Melody Beattie .. The Language of Letting Go.. page 320


Feeling angry – and, sometimes, the act of blaming – is a natural and necessary part of accepting loss and change – of grieving. We can allow ourselves and others to become angry as we move from denial towards acceptance.

As we come to terms with loss and change, we may blame ourselves, our Higher Power, or others. The person may be connected to the loss, or he or she may be an innocent bystander. We may hear ourselves say: “If only he would have done that……..If I wouldn’t have done that……..Why didn’t God do it differently?………“ We know the blame doesn’t help. In recovery, the watchwords are self-responsibility and personal accountability, not blame. Ultimately, surrender and self-responsibility are the only concepts that can move us forward, but to get there we may need to allow ourselves to feel angry, and to occasionally indulge in some blaming.

It is helpful, in dealing with others, to remember that they, too, may need to go through their angry stage to achieve acceptance. To not allow others, or ourselves, to go through anger and blame may slow down the grief process.

Trust ourselves and the grief process. We won’t stay angry forever. But we may need to get mad for a while as we search over what could have been, to finally accept what is.

God, help me learn to accept my own and others’ anger as a normal part of achieving acceptance and peace. Within that framework, help me strive for personal accountability..


Key.. here.. are the words not allow..
To not allow others, or ourselves, to go through anger and blame may slow down the grief process.

I stopped myself for many years from really going into the anger.. I was afraid of what I would do..

Ultimately, surrender and self-responsibility are the only concepts that can move us forward, but to get there we may need to allow ourselves to feel angry, and to occasionally indulge in some blaming.

As I wrote above..I had a very hard time feeling the anger.. getting into it.. but the only way out is through.. I believe this with all my heart..
I believe your anger is justified.. every bit of it.. and I think more than a few of us birthmoms were not allowed the anger.. not allowed to speak out when it was going down.. Anger is protection.. for someone..
Anger tells someone else that there are some boundaries being put up here.. I was not allowed those boundaries when I gave my son up.. I was not allowed my anger.. period..

So as Beattie says.. go into it.. allow it to go down.. and no time limit.. no outside input on how someone else is upset.. about it..
She writes.. We won’t stay angry forever. But we may need to get mad for a while as we search over what could have been, to finally accept what is.

I can remember when I started to get sick of being angry.. When I wanted to have a day without it..

I feel so stupid being so angry still after 32 years. I just don't know why I can't get past this and why it still hurts as if it were happening over and over again right now. I just don't know how to get it out of my head and out of my heart and go on in life and not worry about who hurt me and what happened.

Anger is meant to be acted upon not acted out.. Anger points the way.. (<Julia Cameron wrote that but not exactly that way)
Angers shows us where we need to sort.. it is a map..
It allows us into our thinking that is normally blocked and pushed away.. because it was not allowed..

Anger for some kids growing up was a bad thing.. and is a loss to that child.. Is a missed stage of growth..
A stage that needs to be found and processed.. And explored..

I don't know why this is so hard to do and so hard to get past and so hard not to cry sometimes when my daughter treats me so bad.

As Beattie wrote above.. It is helpful, in dealing with others, to remember that they, too, may need to go through their angry stage to achieve acceptance.

Your daughter has her issues to sort.. and you can put up boundaries around said issues..
Accepting yourself (loving yourself) and your anger is part of putting up boundaries IMO.

I know her drunk talk is just that "drunk talk" because she doesn't feel the same or treat me very well when she's sober. I don't want to deal with that.

My mom would call me up drunk.. and abuse me.. I would take it and take it.. and take it some more.. after all I had done this to her.. She started drinking real bad after I gave the bson up..
A therapist told me.. that alcoholics do not sort the hard traumas of their lives.. they just take a drink and take a pass..
And she told me it was not my fault.. ha..
All things are multi determined.. Scott Peck wrote..

I had to learn how to love myself before I could tell my mom “No I am beautiful as I am.. right now”..
Well I had to fake it till I made it..

It’s a process it’s a journey to self.. Others have suggested things.. and I suggest Alanon..
A meeting is free and sponsor is free and a friend that knows what it is like to have person that is acting out in her life.. is a gift..

Someone to call..

Jackie

[soprano]

I haven't responded to this before now because Rylee's pain and anger has mirrored much of my experience. I am a relative "newbie"to this forum, so am in the process of reading recommended materials, absorbing, and not trying to "overload"... KWIM?

Rylee, I really understand your frustration. I know folks mean well when they urge you to get professional help, sometimes it's just not workable (for whatever reasons--financial, etc.). And the spiritual advice doesn't work for me either. Raven had some real down-to-earth recommendations that might really be workable. In the meantime, if you can physically get away, even if it's only for a movie, it will help you. You have so many people who care for you here, Rylee. Please take care of yourself.

[Nicole28]

When/if my son contacts me, I hope to be someone he is proud of, as I am of him.

This made me cry Peachy!!

Rylee, what state & county do you live in? Send me a PM or an email. I have been trying to do some research for you as far as respite care and assistance is concerned.