[Tigger27]

So, we all know we're crazy right lol so what are the top 10 reasons you think we, as bmoms (firstmoms etc.) go crazy .

[lahdh4]

1. pictures are late
2. updates are late
3. visits cancelled
4. calls go unanswered
5. noone understands us
6. pictures are late
7. updates are late
8. things get lost
9. USPS is out to get us
10. life

[Rylee45]

1) Adoptive parents don't keep promises.
2) We're 2nd class in everyone else's eyes
3) Our children when/if we meet them may not love us.
4) Agency lies about things.
5) Any grandchildren you have by your child given up aren't considered your grandchildren because the mother of those children was adopted.
6) Birthdays are sad and another reminder of your loss. (My daughter's birthday is coming up next week )
7) Holidays without your child.
8) Other children you have being jealous and not willing to accept the child you gave up as their family.
9) People think we're lepers.
10) No one understands anything of what you're feeling when they haven't given up a child.

Rylee

[agathaj]

1) Bchild only wanting minimum contact
2) AS Rylwaa above: Felling and being a second class person - probably bottom of the list person in bdaughter and afamilies life.
3) Wishing I could turn back time ...but knowing it's a pointless thought
4) Juno...grrrrr
5) Hearing what people REALLY think about bmothers since no one knows that I am one.
6) bdaughter purposely cutting me off when I rang her on her bday - I have never rung her since.
7) Realising what a terrible mistake I made and here is nothing I can to do to put it right.
8) struggling to find anything positive in the situation.
9)Wishing I could get out of the bmother club but knowing that I have life membership
10) bad days when I feel hopeless and helpless...

[bromanchik]

1) My sister's comments. Re: my rantings about Juno. "There are probably lots of women who just move on with their life. You're such a know-it-all." Re: Feeling grief on his birthday. "Oh no you don't! You have nothing to feel bad about. Your lucky. Doug and Cathy (aparents) are wonderful people. You've got it all."

2) Stupid comments from stupid people.

3) How birthmoms are portrayed by the media in general.

4) People treating me differently on a professional level because of being a birthmother.

5) Stupid comments from stupid people.

6) Stupid comments from stupid people.

7) Stupid comments from stupid people.

8) Stupid comments from stupid people.

9) Stupid comments from stupid people.

10) Stupid comments from stupid people.

[BrandyHagz]

1. Criminal backgrounds/histories are ok, as long as you're not going thru an unplanned pregnancy (Only people who adopt can change)

2. A history of drunken driving/drinking and doing drugs is ok, as long as you're not going thru an unplanned pregnancy (Only people who adopt can change)

3. "We don't have a lot of money, but we have a lot of love and that's what a child needs!" is a perfectly acceptable statement if you're adopting - but if you're pregnant, you are constantly reminded how UNTRUE that statement is.

4. Mental illness is ok if you’re adopting, but if you’re experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, its just one of a long laundry list of reasons why you’re not fit to parent and should made this ‘selfless choice’.

5. Stereotypes that paint first parents as unstable, especially when used against/in relation me (and they are) and especially because I am NOT the unstable one in our ‘relationship’.

6. Statements that indicate that my daughter (who is living in a life of unspeakable poverty and neglect) is better off in her adopted home.

7. That birthmotherhood somehow freezes my intellect/age – that for many people, I will never be the mid-thirties highly educated professional woman – I will always be the ‘young girl who got in trouble’…even tho I was 22 when I gave birth.

8. The way my Dr. or more specifically the ART Dr. has made me feel about my fertility and reproduction because I’ve had ‘2 full term live births’ and clearly only raise one child.

9. Biased studies that are clearly biased by the parties conducting the study.

10. The biggest one I am fighting/dealing with right now is antique/archaic views/ideas about adoption – some people refuse to believe that adoption has changed since even the 80’s and are unwilling to adjust their thinking to fit that.

So that’s mine.

Oh, and stupid comments from stupid people…but hasn’t someone already said that?

[RavenSong]

Brandy, your 10 reasons why bmoms go crazy are priceless...and oh so right. for saying what's been on my mind lately!

[Isabo]

1. I am considered to be a threat to the adoptive mother, because I might gain just a little bit of what I lost and she gained back during reunion.

2. I am considered a threat to the new wife of the first father, because I might gain just a little bit of what I lost back by reestablishing a telephone relationship with the father of my child during reunion.

3. I am now considered an evil abandoner, because I am now longer the impressionable young woman who was easily swayed into believing that adoption was the best option for my child because I was unwed.

4. I am considered unstable by the adoptive family because I experience grief over the loss of my child, even though society says that the loss of a child is the worst thing that a mother can go through.

5. I am considered to be needy and pushy, because I responded with eagerness and overwhelming happiness when I was found by my child after too many years of a closed adoption.

6. I am considered to be unable to love by the adoptive parents because I gave up my child as an unwed, impressionable and naive teenager. (I have been told that the adoptive parents will provide the love and I can provide the college education to my granddaughter).

7. I have no legal relationship to the child of my body while genetic strangers claim my child and grandchild as their own and don't want to share with me as I have shared with them.

8. I am not considered to be a grandmother to my own grandchild, because a legal document says I am no longer related to the child of my reunited child.

9. My child was extremely different in personality and intellect from the adoptive family and still struggles to fit in and conform to a family which does not mirror him in any way.

10. I lost my only child because I was unwed while the people who adopted him were on the verge of divorce (without my knowledge), and my child had a very unstable homelife as a result.

[Edarling]

1. I received NO post relinquishment counseling or therapy of ANY kind.

2. 35 years of secrecy and shame.

3. No counseling or therapy of ANY kind.

4. It was never discussed - as if it never happened.

5. No counseling or therapy of ANY kind.

6. Did not grieve, or even know that I was suppose to grieve.

7. No counseling or therapy of ANY kind.

8. Not knowing for 35 years if my daughter was o.k. or even alive. Now in reunion I learned that she was NOT o.k. and has had a tragic life.

9. No counseling or therapy of ANY kind.

10. My daughter was not told of her adoption, so she found out when she received the letter stating that I was looking for her.

[lalgee]

10. Having to mentally subtract 1 - and then lie -when someone asks me how many children I have.
9. Not being able to tell anyone about "the secret" for fear of betraying the family.
8. Knowing my son is out there somewhere and that I'm not allowed to even know his name as if I'm some kind of monster who preys on children.
7. Feeling as if I am an imposter in every area of my life because I am hiding the most important life-changing personality-forming event of my life.
6. Knowing I am despised by the aparents after giving them my most precious sacrifice.
5. Worthlessness - always hovering over me like a black cloud
4. Sadness - always shrouding me like a wet blanket
3. Overwhelming despair and emptiness that can't be resolved and will never end
2. Closed records and not ever being allowed to have or see a copy of what I signed.
1. Everything is my own fault, of my own doing.

[bromanchik]

lalgee, what do you think would happen if you stopped keeping him a secret?

[lalgee]

Well, what generally happens when I tell someone - and it has to be someone I fully trust and have an ongoing friendship with - is that they act like I just told them I have cancer and only 5 days to live. They responses border on pity mixed with an unwillingness to talk or ask questions because either they will have to get "involved" with me and they want to remain at arms length or because they think it is too deep a wound to discuss. Sometimes the response is like "whoa, that's really more than I wanted to know about you! TMI!!" People don't know how to react and so they then distance themselves from me so that they don't have to have that awkward uncomfortableness while with me.

When someone says, "How many children do you have?" I can't just say - "Oh, I have 3 children - all boys. One is 4, one is 14, and I have a 24 year old that I put up for adoption when I was 14". Immediately, they would be horror stricken and not know what to do with what I have told them. There would probably be some weird awkward silence and then they would say "oh, OK, well, it's been great talking to you! BYE!" as they run top speed into the distance. Our eyes would never meet again going down the hallway and there would just be this weirdness between us from then on.

It's really a very strange phenomenon if you ask me. I mean, the "stigma" is gone in today's society for those who are unwed mothers NOW, but for those who were unwed mothers "back in the day" it's still a hideous truth that no one wants to deal with. That is why I can't tell just anyone - only those who are already intimately close to me.

[BrandyHagz]

There would probably be some weird awkward silence and then they would say "oh, OK, well, it's been great talking to you! BYE!" as they run top speed into the distance.

Sounds like a really great way to weed all the unsupportive jerks out of your life

I've had the same type of 'deer in the headlights' response - but usually, they come around. The problem is, for most people, adoption is something you DON'T talk about. It's something to be ashamed of...

But, once they realize that you're being open and honest...they will start to value that.

I pick and chose who I tell my story to. Not everyone gets it right out of the gate.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by lalgee

When someone says, "How many children do you have?" I can't just say - "Oh, I have 3 children - all boys. One is 4, one is 14, and I have a 24 year old that I put up for adoption when I was 14". Immediately, they would be horror stricken and not know what to do with what I have told them. There would probably be some weird awkward silence and then they would say "oh, OK, well, it's been great talking to you! BYE!" as they run top speed into the distance. Our eyes would never meet again going down the hallway and there would just be this weirdness between us from then on.

Actually, I say that all the time. I say, "I have 3 children.. a 12 year old, a 15 year old and a 23 year old I placed in an open adoption." Sometimes I have to explain that I didn't adopt, I placed, but other than that I just slip it into the converstation. I have never had anyone act horrified. Usually people are very kind. ometimes they don't know where to take the conversation, so it gets dropped, most often they want to know more and ask pretty sensitive questions.

I think I would find keeping him a secret would take a lot more energy than the energy it takes to talk about him. But I truly am one of those people who cannot be reserved about myself or my life.