[Pumpkin]

Here's my list:

10. Knowing I'll never heal and have issues the rest of my life.

9. Seeing how adoption is portrayed in the media.

8. Dealing with people who say "to just get over it!"

7. Dealing with idiots who assume that all birthmoms are illiterate, dope addicted, harlots.

6. Being told "thank you for the wonderful gift" repeatedly by her adoptive parents.

5. Being told how wonderful I am for the selfless sacrifice by my bduaghter, when in fact I didn't see any other options.

4. Being told "you got what you deserve" by my mother.

3. Being told by my bdaughter after meeting me and my family, "that it was a real eye opening experience." HUH?

2. Knowing where my bdaughter is and what she's up to and not being able to contact her because she can't emotionally "handle it."

1. Being told I couldn't possibly love my bdaughter because I don't "know her!"

[JustPeachy]

In no particular order:

10. Feeling like I can't be open about having a child (afraid of people's reactions, which tend to be either putting me on a pedestal and treating me like a saint/martyr or the total opposite, treating me with contempt, or saying things like "I could never give away my child!" or "You don't have the right to desire pictures/letters, you relinquished all legal rights when you signed those papers!"

9. Having people make assumptions that I didn't have other children because of trauma associated with the adoption experience.

8. Having people make assumptions that I'm in denial because I never felt like I had a "hole in my heart" all these years. Yes, I grieved, have missed my child, wish my circumstances could have been different, and there was pain and difficulty (and still can be!), but I also know that my decision was right for both me and my child, and I was able to grieve and move forward despite the difficulty.

7. Feeling like I can't be honest and say I have a child (see #10 above). I would like to be able to have my son's picture out on my desk at work, but no one there knows about him and it would be awkward after all these years to suddenly have to tell people, "oh yeah, I have a grown kid."

6. Like the previous poster, when I do try to talk about my son with those who know of him, I get uncomfortable reactions/responses. People just don't want to go there usually!

5. The roller-coaster of reunion. Need I say more?

4. Waiting to hear from my child......

3. The notion that I "abandoned" my child or placed him because I didn't love him enough or didn't want him. Nothing could be further from the truth.

2. Miscommunication between me and the agency and/or aparents. Sometimes things don't get said or clarified as they should be and I'm guilty of doing this, too.

1. Not having any real guidelines or social template for the role of birthmother/firstmother. Ambiguity about simultaneously being a mom and not being a mom. It's a strange place to be in.

and ONE MORE:

Not having the foundation with my son that would be had if I had parented him, thus having to start from scratch in reunion and not having any guarantees that we will develop a solid relationship.

[lisa888]

1. every spring I can’t quite be fully happy about the daffodils and the tulips, although I SO want to…I love to watch the earth wake.
2. then comes mothers’ day…although I’m a ‘recognized’ mother now, I hate the day. I hate it because it’s the day, 6 days after I placed a baby for adoption, seventeen years ago, my mother asked me “why didn’t you call or send a mothers’ day card?”… I , in turn asked her “why didn’t you?”. She indignantly answered “because you aren’t a real mother”.
3. 14 days later, comes my birthday, which is also day my father died.
4. it’s too much
5. every year it’s too much
6. I’m overwhelmed with grief
7. year after year
8. I’m alone
9. there is no one to talk to
10. i think 9 is enough

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by lisa888

8. I’m alone
9. there is no one to talk to

Please talk to us. You are not alone. You can even call me if you like.

[belleinblue1978]

1. Dealing with my son's mom who doesn't understand me and doesn't try.

2. Dealing with my father who thinks that I should just drop out of the picture like MY firstmom did and leave them alone because I'm not a mother of any sort donchya know?

3 Dealing with insensitive friends who think that I should have had an abortion rather than "ruining my child's life." Oh wait, he isn't a friend anymore.

4. Feeling like a failure because have believed strongly for many years that biological families should stay together and then I couldn't do that.

5. Idiots who think they know everything about adoption because their cousin's brother's sister's uncle's cat adopted a mouse once. (I've been living it for 30 years, think I might know a wee bit more than you pal.)

6. Do my son's parents think the mail doesn't work? Why can't they mail pictures more than twice a year?

7. Apparently my email to them is also broken as I am the only person in the world they won't email with. I have to call them.

8. My son's mom's way of giving me conflicting attitudes about grandparents. She doesn't want my ex's parent's around too much, but because MY parents are reserved she thinks they are ashamed. I just don't even get that one.

9. The fact that my job fails to recognize that I too need time off to visit my child, a few times a year, not every two days like some people.

10. The "Oh well at least you they let you see him." comment. HUH? Well isn't it nice that I let them adopt him? is my standard reply to that one.

[sstuart]

Sometimes you feel like a nut---Sometimes you don't!!



10. The reaction of people when you tell them
9.The constant worry(is she ok?) Closed adoption
8. Now reunited-The constant worry (am I goiing to do something wrong?)
7. The constant worry!!
6. The feeling that you think about this WAY too much!
5.Never being able to be the mother (and being reminded of it often)
4.Always choosing the words carefully
3.stupid remarks (already been said)
2. The guilt and shame that family and friends make you feel.
1.I refuse to give up that control in anything else in my life. No one will ever do that to me again (Take away my control) and maybe I need to give up some control--and that is WHY I AM NUTS

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by lisa888

4. it’s too much
5. every year it’s too much
6. I’m overwhelmed with grief
7. year after year
8. I’m alone
9. there is no one to talk to
10. i think 9 is enough

(((LISA))) you are not alone. I thought I was also. These women here are beautiful, wonderful people who have helped me in so many ways over the past few years.

[thanksgivingmom]

My top ten OA insanity inducers:

1. The highs can be crazy high and the lows can be crazy low and I need to find a way to live most days in the middle.
2. When I came out to my boss she went into hyper "crisis control" mode (a year after placement) and immediately printed out all kinds of resources like she was going to "save" me - OR she could have just listened.
3. Ignorance.
4. Judgement.
5. My lack of patience.
6. My talent for over analyzing every little thing.
7. Living a life of walking on eggshells so as to not say something wrong and have the adoption closed because of it.
8. The uncertainty of tomorrow.
9. Being informed that the life my daughter is living is wrong and not "normal."
10. Well....I'm probably at least a little crazy because of all the crack. (Because sometimes the only way to battle the crazies is with a little dark humor....)

[sstuart]

How could I forget the crack!! Thanks TGM

[Edarling]

Originally Posted by lalgee

Well, what generally happens when I tell someone - and it has to be someone I fully trust and have an ongoing friendship with - is that they act like I just told them I have cancer and only 5 days to live. They responses border on pity mixed with an unwillingness to talk or ask questions because either they will have to get "involved" with me and they want to remain at arms length or because they think it is too deep a wound to discuss. Sometimes the response is like "whoa, that's really more than I wanted to know about you! TMI!!" People don't know how to react and so they then distance themselves from me so that they don't have to have that awkward uncomfortableness while with me.

When someone says, "How many children do you have?" I can't just say - "Oh, I have 3 children - all boys. One is 4, one is 14, and I have a 24 year old that I put up for adoption when I was 14". Immediately, they would be horror stricken and not know what to do with what I have told them. There would probably be some weird awkward silence and then they would say "oh, OK, well, it's been great talking to you! BYE!" as they run top speed into the distance. Our eyes would never meet again going down the hallway and there would just be this weirdness between us from then on.

It's really a very strange phenomenon if you ask me. I mean, the "stigma" is gone in today's society for those who are unwed mothers NOW, but for those who were unwed mothers "back in the day" it's still a hideous truth that no one wants to deal with. That is why I can't tell just anyone - only those who are already intimately close to me.

I was 14 too. That seems to shock people the most.

[Butterfly2008]

What's insane and awkward is definitely my situation.

When people ask me how many children I have had,six is the 'real' number. 1st child stillborn(I refuse to not acknowledge how important his life has meant to me thus he's always in there). 2nd and third our oldest boys. 4th and 5th surrogacy(reality is a step parent adoption through using the husband's sperm)6th our youngest daughter.

I hate hate HATE it when people ASSUME just because I was stupid enough to believe the facade of what surrogacy communities try to portray,that I don't mourn the loss of my daughters any less. The first couple I helped talked bad behind my back and once H was born,lied in the adoption papers saying it wasn't an open adoption. They treated my daughter like a possession. I got tired of amom's insecurities,holding my daughter over my head in order to get me to have more children for them. I eventually raged on surrogacy sites against her and eventually had to walk away from ever talking to the couple. I hated how they made me feel(like a baby making cow who isn't worth respect!). I hold out hope one day H will forgive me for doing what I thought was best at the time-only to find out what I thought I knew was just being told whatever needed to get a baby.

The second couple were great in comparison to the first couple. They don't need adoption papers to be open and keep our relationship on going. It's still frustrating to be waiting around wondering when the next set of pictures will come...and then cry when I do get them because of the fact this beautiful little girl will never know me as my own three children know of their mom(and they probably won't have the chance growing up to see her as a sister that she is).

Crazy is that I feel stuck between two labels. I hate the response I get when I try to clarify the two adoptions. I'm tired of all the sensitive issues from my mother's pain of losing two grandchildren to our current children and having lost siblings and trying to justify my actions and relieve the guilt that's always hiding around the corner.

I used to walk on egg shells when my first daughter was adopted. I worried they would close it on me-but the issues at hand I felt to keep my sanity was to walk away. I will when the girls become of age send them personal notes and let them take it from there. I feel awkward still with the second couple because of the distance and because I don't want to intrude too much.

I hated having to tell total strangers at my boys school ask very personal questions about the pregnancies then getting flabbergasted and run when they found out the truth.

The most hurtful thing ever said,was last year when I was pregnant with our daughter M. My mother in law called early when we first found out I was pregnant,and she says to me(no joke!) "Oh,are you giving this one away too?" I couldn't believe how heartless she was(unfortunately that's the way she is!). My mother in laws OWN mother said she was thrilled to know there were caring people out there(and this goes for ALL birthmoms!)who were lovingly willing to hand a child over to an adoptive couple to give them the chance at being parents. I'm still mixed on this statement as far as going the surrogacy route,but don't mind me all I'm doing in this post is rambling up a storm!

Sorry if any of this is off topic and offends anyone...

[sstuart]

Butterfly,
I am a birthmother, but not through surrogacy. I imagine that it is not much different. You bonded with that child for nine months and it is very hard to lose the child after that time.
I think that people think that it is easy to just move on and forget. I am sure people assume that it is even easier when you have choosen to be a surrogate. It is good that you have come here to talk about it and let others know that it isn't an easy task to be a surrogate either.
I met someone on the boards the other day that was an egg donor and I think maybe she too was feeling some of the same feelings as us birthomothers sometimes feel.

It is hard no matter how you lost your child and I am sorry for you.

[kmastermom]

10. "The System"
9. Social Services
8. Child Protective Services
7. Family Court
6. Case Workers
5. "Slipping Through The Cracks"
4. Doing what is right for your child to make sure they are safe and well then being called a "bad parent".
3. Adoptive parents that promise pictures, updates etc. Then back out a few yrs into the adoption.
2. Holidays, Birthdays, Family Reunions and any occasion when someone asks "How many kids do you have?"
1. And the # 1 AS SOON AS THE ADOPTION PAPERS ARE SIGNED, WE SEEM TO DISSAPEAR *POOF*