[quantum]

I've been thinking a lot (as usual).
It's weird, coming to this site has made me think about would I relinquish now? Was it the right thing? and so on.

I don't really know.

What I do understand now is...
Even though it may have been the right thing to do, that doesn't diminish the pain that I've had to go through over the years.

And...
Even though it's been painful and was never an easy decision (even though my parents may think it was for me) doesn't mean it wasn't the right one.

Just had to say it.
Thanks.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by quantum

Even though it's been painful and was never an easy decision (even though my parents may think it was for me) doesn't mean it wasn't the right one.

Just had to say it.
Thanks.

I always say just because a decision is painful doesn't make it wrong, and just as you can be comfortable with a decision that is right. The bottom line is the panic. If all that is felt when thinking about placement is fear and panic, I believe it is our hearts trying to tell us something.

[txrnr]

Quantum,

I have NO idea what it's like to relinquish, and understand there are all sorts of reasons why people do. From this adoptees stand point, I've never regretted that my mom made this decision for me. I certainly hope that she hasn't lived with any regrets either. I certainly hope that 40 years later, she isn't feeling pain, although I've now been here long enough to understand that may not be the case (but I pray that it is).

Do you think if you weren't in reunion, you'd look at things differently, like you definitely would or would not relinquish today? I'm not in reunion, and have gone from "no way, not looking" to knowing who they are thanks to some information left on my non-id, and now I'm truly toying with contact. (I won't do a thing until I'm certain, I've learned THAT much here!)

I wish all you that relinquished could find peace. I know that's a tall order.

[Rylee45]

Yes I agree about something just because it's painful doesn't mean it's not the right decision. No matter what it is.

txrnr, as for the years of pain, I don't know if it will never go away for me. It's been 32 years. However I think if I had never met my daughter the pain MAY have gone away eventually (I don't know) but the main reason for my pain is knowing that giving my daughter up for adoption wasn't the right decision for either of us.

She was abused and has so much anger and other emotions that are direct result of her adoptive parents abuse, the adoption itself and feeling like she was worthless all her life.

If I had met her and found her happy, well adjusted, and loved like I was promised she'd be, I think I would have had the peace of knowing although it was hard and painful and caused a lot of "issues" in my life that it really was the right decision.

I think that's the reason I'm having so much pain in this whole situation with my daughter. Knowing she turned out like she did due to the adoption and our relationship being so bad because of her adoptive parents.

If time could be turned back and I hadn't met her and didn't know what I know now, I think it would really have been better that we'd never met. But ONLY because of what I found when we did meet. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Rylee

[keds]

Rylee, (((hugs))). The more I read on these forums lately the more fortunate I believe that I am. Although my bson has told me he's had a great life and he seems to be "well-adjusted", for lack of a better term, I have to take his word for it. He doesn't really share too much. I've been fortunate to spend a lot of time with him and, thinking back, I've done most of the talking, answering his questions, sharing stories about mine and his full siblings and bdad (husband). I do hope that he isn't holding back to spare my feelings (I don't get that impression) and yet, there is something there that doesn't feel quite right.

I think you may be on to something. IF he were to tell me that he was abused, felt worthless and had a rough go of it, I'm not sure I could cope. As you said, adoption has negatively affected every aspect of my life but meeting and hearing my bson tell me he's "had a good life" has eased the pain somewhat.

When my bson and I first met, some 6 months after writing back and forth, he made a comment that pierced my heart - "you keep changing your story" in that I said I knew it was best to place him for adoption but that I never wanted to and regretted it every day. Not so much flip-flopping but rather exactly how I feel. The internal struggle of putting him first and yet, feeling I failed him. For him, I think (and hope) that adoption was the right choice but for me, I know it wasn't. As Brenda and Quantum have already pointed out - just because it was extremely painful doesn't mean it wasn't right. I suppose now, in reunion, my greatest fear is no longer will he hate me, think I'm too fat/skinny, rich/poor but rather is he holding back to protect my feelings. I sincerely hope not but at the same time, could I cope if he was?

[Moongrl22]

Originally Posted by quantum

I've been thinking a lot (as usual).
It's weird, coming to this site has made me think about would I relinquish now? Was it the right thing? and so on.

I don't really know.

What I do understand now is...
Even though it may have been the right thing to do, that doesn't diminish the pain that I've had to go through over the years.

And...
Even though it's been painful and was never an easy decision (even though my parents may think it was for me) doesn't mean it wasn't the right one.

Just had to say it.
Thanks.

Yeah I totally agree with you. It's been over 19 yrs for me and it seems like just yesterday when I walked out of that hospital without my Precious baby girl! The PAIN never goes away and I don't think it EVER will. The decision was MADE and it's the BEST decision at the TIME but sometimes/many times through out the years their have been REGRETS. That is selfish I think but that's just how I feel. I've was in CONTACT with my Bdaughter. She first contacted me when she graduated from High School at age 17. We exchanged letters and email "very few" with "very little" information on her end. I was so OPEN about everything and all the feelings I had for her. I had been waiting to tell her how much she meant to me and how much I wanted to be part of her life. I was so excited; I was OVER the MOON. Thrilled! But then reality kicked in and she wasn't in the same place I was emotionally. She wasn't ready to meet in person. The hardest part is KEEPING that memory in my heart the first day of her life as I was holding her in my arms NEVER wanting to let her go. BUT I let her go. NOW the reality is she may never really want me PART of her life. I read some many stories with happy endings and I wonder how my Bdaughter could NOT want that with me. The most difficult PAIN is NOT having control of the situation and NOT letting this destory me on a daily bases. I have three amazing children of my own. I guess it's true "YOU really CAN'T have it ALL!" All I wanted was "HER" nothing more; not money, not riches, not gold, not fancy cars, designer clothes, expensive trips; JUST her in my life. At the END of the day I just have to be HAPPY she's HAPPY! And she is! The END!