[shelleyils]

I'm new here. When I was 17 I had sex for the first time and ended up pregnant. I hid it from everyone including my parents. I always knew that adoption would be the best thing. I gave birth to a baby boy. I did a private adoption, it wasen't an open one. He went to Tennessee. I went on with my life and thought of him often. I went on to marry and have a 5 year old son who has autism. This is a secret I've kept from everyone including my husband. Well, that child went through a search agency and has found me. I was a little shocked. Here is my delimma, how am I going to tell my husband? I know this will shock and freak him out. I am so scared to tell him! The boy is in the military in Iraq now. Has anyone else been in this situation? Part of me wants to tell, but then again I'm scared it might make him mad. What is so ironic about this is we had to do ivf because of make factor infertility. I can totally understand what his adoptive parents went through trying to have a child. What would be the best way to tell my husband? I am just terrified.
Shelley

[Rylee45]

Welcome to the group. This is a great place. I've gotten a lot of help with my situation and I know someone here might be able to help you with yours.

I don't know if I can help you at all because I have no idea how I would go about telling your husband but you definitely NEED to tell him before your son shows up on your doorstep possibly while you're gone somewhere and your husband answers the door.

Maybe somehow you might want to make arrangements to meet with your son somewhere private and just talk with him and tell him the situation about not ever telling anyone you were pregnant and anything else you think might help him understand what's going on.

Maybe you could set up a post office box that only you know about and have him send mail there or maybe even an email that no one but you knows about so you can get to know each other and talk about stuff before he ever comes to meet you in person.

Is your son wanting a relationship with you or just medical records? Have you had any contact with him whatsoever since his finding you?

I sure hope you can get through this. Who knows, maybe your husband won't be as mad as you think he would be. Maybe he'd welcome your son into your lives. You never know.

If you pray maybe saying a prayer about it asking for God's help might make a difference.


Rylee

[taramayrn]

No advice on how to tell your hubby, but just that you should. ((((HUGS))))

[Oceans]

(((hugs))) Shelly - I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I was 17 when I placed - big secret - never talk about it - the whole 9 yards. When my son turned 18, I decided to *out* myself just in case he wanted to contact me. I didn't have to do that with my husband because we were divorced by then - so that's different - but I had sooooo many anxieties around telling my family.

It's hard because when we keep secrets, it feels like we did something wrong when we got pregnant in the first place - Maybe better put, we just end up feeling ashamed and it's nothing to be ashamed of - but that was so hard for me to reconcile personally. I guess what I am saying is your feeling normal in this case.

Remember, if your hubby gets mad, it wont be because you got pregnant and chose adoption - you were 17 - you were practically a child yourself. It's the secret he may be upset with and the rationality around why we keep our adoptions secret is a tuffy. It seems logical that we would want to share but there are so many judgments we fear - not to mention we were supposed to put it behind us. How did you know this day would come?

So not much advice here except that I would try to sort through your feelings about this reunion before having the talk. That may help with your confidence. He may be incredibly supportive and just sad that you have had to carry this by yourself for so many years.

It's just tough to not feel like you are 17 again and breaking the news to your parents that you're pregnant - a moment no one like to relive.

(((hugs))) again

[shelleyils]

I've emailed my birthson several times and we have spoken on the phone. He is very understanding that my husband don't know. He said it was up to me if I wanted to say anything or not. He had some awesome parents who did a fine job on raising him. He is going to be back in the state at the end of may. He wants to meet me and his half brother. When I was pregnant with him, I was in such denial about it. I hid it well. I never ever in a million years thought he'd find me. My mom,sister,niece and nephews are excited. I know I will eventually tell my husband, but I always have to think of the worst case senerio. I will keep everyone updated. Am I going to be a terrible person if we decied not to let my husband know?

[thanksgivingmom]

I'm not married, but I did keep my pregnancy a secret from everyone - my parents, siblings, friends - EVERYONE. I still have not told my family or friends (it's only been little over a year since her birth) but I've always hoped that I would find the strength and courage to tell my husband (whoever he may be, someday).

I would encourage you to find the strength in yourself to tell him. I know, easier said than done, but since your family knows, and he wants to meet your son, you're actively bringing others into the secret keeping.

Best of luck to you whatever you decide and please keep us posted.

And congrats on your reunion!

[Oceans]

You will not be a terrible person No. But the stress of the secret may weigh you down and I would hate to see that happen. Also, if your son wants to meet his half brother... well....

I am glad the rest of you family is excited. Not to stress you out but it's probably another good reason to tell your hubby. Adoption secrets have a way of slipping out at the VERY worst times...

This is a great forum to get support so I am glad you are here. And, btw, your son sounds AWSOME Congrats!

[Jackiejdajda]

Shelleyils

Here is my delimma, how am I going to tell my husband? I know this will shock and freak him out. I am so scared to tell him! The boy is in the military in Iraq now. Has anyone else been in this situation? Part of me wants to tell, but then again I'm scared it might make him mad. What is so ironic about this is we had to do ivf because of make factor infertility. I can totally understand what his adoptive parents went through trying to have a child. What would be the best way to tell my husband? I am just terrified.

I say take your time.. There are so many emotions to sort when a person comes out of hiding.. or there were for me..
I went for therapy and I went to groups that I could share my feelings with.. at that time my husband was working twentyfourseven.. and I was able to sort a lot of my ‘stuff’ without him.. I had told him but I did not share my emotions..

I have a belief that if we do not share what we are thinking/feeling about the relinquishment.. we bury thoughts and decisions and reactions and they are sometimes set in stone.. the wrong stone..
I say sort that first.. look at the shock or grief of your loss all those years ago and get strong in your self.. then tell..
I may be wrong.. but these are my thoughts..

Please stay with us you are not alone..

Jackie

[shelleyils]

Thanks Jackie, I do want to take my time and see what my birthson wants. My mom and one of my friends is having a cow about me not telling him now. In fact that one friend calls almost every day asking me if I've told him. She even had the guts to say, "Put him on the phone, and I will tell him". I will tell him when I'm ready. I don't have to worry about him just showing up on my doorstep one day.

[Jackiejdajda]

Shelleyils

I do want to take my time and see what my birthson wants.

I am supposed to be going grocery shopping right now but hubby is not feeling well so here I sit with the dishes waiting and no food in the place..

This is big.. this what you are going through is very big and so many people have opinions on this here adoption reunion stuff..

When I relinquished I was told to not speak.. I did not speak for twenty years.. and coming out of it was a very slow process.. but process it I did..

I wish I had of learned how to say the word NO when I gave him up.. I may have made the same decision or heck I know I would of.. but I wish others (mom) had not tried so hard to influence me..
I was the one that had to live with the consequences of giving him up.. I am the one that has to live with the consequences of taking everyone’s advice and forgetting everything… No more..

My mom and one of my friends is having a cow about me not telling him now.

Standing up and saying no is real hard when moms are involved IMO.. I had a real hard time saying no to my mom before she passed.. Moms are the ones that install all the programming when we are little..
You are the one that is in an intimate relationship with your husband.. you are the one that is going to spend your life with him.. and you will know when you are ready to tell him..
That’s loving the self to me.. Loving the self enough to be in control of your emotional well being..

In fact that one friend calls almost every day asking me if I've told him. She even had the guts to say, "Put him on the phone, and I will tell him".

Friends support us.. friends tell us we are loved no matter what we do.. how we act.. when we act..

She can not control your timing.. Your timing.. your time line..
If she does then she is having the reunion and not you..

I will tell him when I'm ready. I don't have to worry about him just showing up on my doorstep one day.

I think if we dig deep and know ourselves.. we know when we are ready to tell the secrets..

Jackie

[shelleyils]

Thanks again. The only thing I can't answer is I have no idea about his bio dad. When I was 17 I went to a party with a friend and was stupid and drank alcohol for the first time. I ended up talking with some guy and next thing I know I slept with him. I did try and contact him after I thought I might be pregnant, but when we went to the frat house, they said there was no one there by that name. I just hope my husband and bson don't think I'm some sort of hussy.

[Oceans]

Shelly - NO!!! I do not believe they will think that. Regardless, what is important is who you are today.

As for the bdad, since your son is a boy, it may be fairly easy to determine the dad's last name. There are is a fairly large DNA genealogy database to help peolple sort out their family lines. For about $190, your son could do a cheek swab, they will run his DNA against known family lines, and possibly come back with a sir name or even a known relative. Here is the largest project: DNA Testing For Genealogy - Family Tree DNA

From there, you can check classmates.com or even the frat house records (?). There are ways so don't worry!

[Jackiejdajda]

I do not have a name for my bson.. In the first phone call he asked about his birthfather and I could not tell him a name..

Oceans.. thanks for that link..
If my bson ever brings up the who is my father issue.. I will tell him about what you have linked..

I had sex with someone I was working for.. he was married and it was just once.. like what happened to you shelleyils..
I had a boyfriend and pretended it was his when I went home and asked my parents for help.. I was 20/21..

So as you see shelleyils you are not alone..

Jackie