[Rylee45]

I just wanted to tell you guys something about how I'm feeling right now about things.

When I first wrote the thread about my daughter planning to adopt and how horrlbe I felt about it, I have to say, to a certain degree, I didn't have ANY good feelings about adoptive parents whatsoever.

I have had such a horrible experience with the adoptive parents my daughter was raised by that I haven't been able to see anything good about aparents at all.

I'm sorry that I had that opinion. I hope you understand though.

However, after all the supportive things that EVERYONE said, I feel my heart is a bit softened and I don't feel SO negative about the aparents. I don't know how to explain what I'm saying but I have a different feeling at the moment.

I wish so bad that my daughter had had parents like the ones here who respect the bmoms.

You're the kind of parents that I honestly thought my daughter had. I couldn't wait to meet them if that day ever came.

I thought that they would love me and appreciate what I had done in giving my baby up for adoption so they could have a child to raise. (whether by my choice or not in giving her up).

I wrote letters to my daughter in a journal and always refered to her aparents as her "mom and dad" because that's what I felt they were. I didn't ever say "adoptive parents". As far as I was concerned they WERE her "real parents".

It was such a HORRIBLE blow and an emotional BOMB to find out that they hated me. That my daughter was told I didn't love her because I didn't keep her but kept her siblings born after she was born. It was devastating to know that I was of NO importance to them at all and had been hoped to die before "their daughter" ever had the chance to meet me.

As you already know, my resentments of adoption has been intense.

However, in spite of the fact I still don't agree with adoption in general, I have learned that not all adoptive parents are horrible and there are good people out there who do care about the bmom.

I haven't wanted to say a mean thing here since that thread about my daughter wanting to adopt after hearing so many things of support and understanding from aparents and everyone else.

I don't know if my pain will ever go away but I can say that I have a different attitude right now about adoptive parents.

I just wanted to share this with you. Thank you so much for all the things you said to me in that thread.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Rylee

[TxMom65]

Wow. It sounds to me like you are growing and that is great. Your heart has been broken many times over and I'm sorry for that. It is a shame.

Although it wasn't necessary, thanks for your apology. I can tell you that I've learned so much from all sides just reading these forums. I'm trying to be the best mother I can be to my daughter and I appreciate everyone sharing their lives here.

[SuddenlySusan]

I'm glad that you are feeling better about things right now, Rylee. And, you're right...there are a lot of great people who post here...aparents, adoptees and first parents. We all learn from each other.

Peace,
Susan

[Oceans]

Rylee - I have also wanted to say something to you. I hold you in great esteem for many reasons but mostly for being able to share the raw emotions of your experience. Many of us from the closed era are not able to do that, at least I am not able. For me personally, it's hard to re-live the pain I hear in your *voice*. Our experiences have a common theme altho mine was less violent in what was said/done. As I look towards reunion, I shudder to think I may find a new set of hurts at the end of that road.

Anyway, I am grateful to you for being able to share your experience (tho you will probably *hate* my reason!!)

One of the most important people in my life recently chose to place her baby and now has a very open, OA.

I am grateful to you because I believe it's the emotional stories like yours, all of the adoptees and other first moms who have been willing to share their stories from the closed era that have helped the system improve over the years. You paid a dear, dear price. But the price you paid has helped ALL members of the triad today. We now understand the importance of openness and birthmother involvement in the adoption framework - mostly due to the failures of the past and those demanding to be heard. Today, many first moms have far more JOY in the experience than any of us from the closed era did.

So even in the darker hours, know that your heartbreak has not gone un-noticed. You and all from the closed era (especially those who were adopted) have bettered the system - We stand as living proof as to why OA must be honored and cherished. ((((HUGS))))

[lovemy2boys]

Ummm...for me personally, I want to thank YOU, Rylee.

As an aparent, I don't really see the emotions of my children's firstfamilies - they pretty much keep it to themselves, so it would be very easy for me to pretend like adoption is a wonderful "painless" process for all involved.

By seeing reactions like yours and hearing stories like yours, it has helped open my eyes to just how much change needs to happen - it also gives me an idea of what my boys' other moms are/have gone through when I see the struggles you all have had to face both with your choice (or lack thereof) to place, and with all that has followed.

It sickens me the way you've been treated - I mean that sincerely. No one deserves it...Those people are rotten - regardless of whether they adopted or not - they are probably rotten in all aspects of life - unfortunately you happen to be the one on the receiving end of their hatred.

And although there are times when I read things on the "birthparent forums" that make me say "Hey! That's not a fair portrayal of aparents", it also makes me stop and really think about the REASONS you feel that way - and that makes me a better mom to my boys, and a better ally of their first families.

We are all in this together...or at least we should be...so Thank you for sharing, even when you may not have the most "popular" opinion on the boards.

[musemoon]

God Bless you Rylee...I read through your entire last thread and just want to say, what you went through and how it affected you is tragic....you deserve so much love and respect for the pain you endured and continued to endure....

I also deeply respect you for listening to all the love and support that people gave you on that thread :-)

We call all heal and respect each other....thank you for opening up your thoughts and sharing them with us. I wish you much love and continued healing and joy!

[Rylee45]

I'm in tears right now with the kind things you said here. Thank you so much.

It is hard sometimes for me to talk about what happened but I do find that it helps too. I don't know how to explain it.

There were so many things happen at the time of my daughter's birth that still haunt me as you know.

One of the things that really caused havoc in my life and shouldn't have but did was my mother was pregnant at the same time I was. I have a brother that is 5 weeks older than my daughter. He was the reason my dad gave that I couldn't keep my baby.

What caused the havoc was the pain of seeing my brother and knowing HE was the reason I couldn't keep MY baby. (he was one of many reasons but he was a BIG reason).

For a lot of years I couldn't look at him without hate filling every fiber of my being for his existance. Because of that I couldn't love him. It took until he went on a mission for the church when he was 19 years old that I started talking to him without resentment. I wrote him faithfully and we got to know each other better than I know any of my other siblings. It was a good experience for both of us for him to be on his mission.

We talked about so much of our lives and how we both felt as he grew up and I've come to terms with things with him and I love him dearly. I have appologized for the way I acted with him and felt about him in his life.

I should never have hated him for something he had nothing to do with. That was wrong. He has forgiven me which is so important to me. He said he understands and he doesn't hold it against me.

He never knew why I didn't care about him or wouldn't do anything for him or would be snappy with him all the time. He never knew what he'd done wrong. When I explained it he felt bad that I'd had to go through all that all those years. He's a good man. I'm glad that we were able to become friends and that he's my brother.

It was just so hard when he was a baby and I had to babysit him and no one knew how hard that was for me to deal with. No one understood why I didn't want anything to do with him. Everyone felt I should be thrilled he was there.

I was told a few times that I should be glad that I had a baby to hold and that God must have sent him in the family because he knew my baby would be gone. That only added to my resentment of him because he wasn't MY baby. He was my brother. It wasn't the same.

My mom was brainwashed into beleiving that it would help me deal with the loss of my baby if I had my brother to take care of and shoved him off on me every chance she got. It just built up the resentment and the hurt. I wish it hadn't. My brother never deserved that. Never.

Anyway...

I do appreicate your comments here and I'm so glad to be a member of this group. Some days I don't know what I'd do without you guys and the support and even the "kicks in the pants" when I'm getting a bit overly mouthy. It's kind of a problem I have sometimes when my frustration gets really REALLY high. I'm glad you guys understand but don't let me get away with too much. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I'm not the only person in the world with emotions and sometimes things hurt other people's feelings. I really don't want to hurt anyone when I lash out.

I hope you all have a great night.

Rylee

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

You are so in-tune with your feelings and write about them so fluently that your words and feelings jump out of the computer and right into people's hearts.

It is a gift you have. You could have turned all that anger, resentment, and hatred into a lonely, bitter life and lashed out at everyone you touched. But you didn't. You learned from it all. It is the joys AND pains that make us who we are and you Rylee are a beautiful person.

Kim

[Rylee45]

Kim, I can't say that I didn't lash out or be angry or anything like that because I did. It took me a lot of years to even want to TRY to talk to my brother (the one I mentioned in a couple posts up) without being angry that he existed and it took a lot of effort to actually get to know him as my brother instead of the "baby who made me have to give away my baby". That's all he was to me for so many years. I feel so bad as I was saying but we have a wonderful relationship now.

But the way I was in my life in other areas, I got married to a guy before I graduated high school after I turned 18, just to get away from my dad and be on my own.

That ended up being disasterous. My ex husband molested and beat my children and beat me. I finally got the courage after 4 years of that to leave and live in a battered women's shelter to protect my children and myself until I could find a place to live with the 2 children I had at the time.

After that I was on my own and I didn't make a lot of "good decisions" I continued to have horrible relationships with men. I had so many different relationships that ended up being abusive I lost hope of ever being happy.

I know that a lot of what I went through was to do with giving my daughter up for adoption against my will and not having any choices about it. At least not any I knew about but I know about now. I know that my being out of control in most everything in my life for a long time was due to a lot of different factors but I beleive the worst was the adoption.

I got to a point in my life that I was planning to commit suicide. I gave my children to family members to take care of. I got my affairs in order and I went to the bar, got myself as drunk as I could and I was going to drive my car off a cliff and be done with my life. I couldn't see going on like that anymore. The saddness and depression of life and the flashbacks of horrible things that had happened in my life had gotten to be too much. I wanted it to end.

Someone saw me crying in my beer (litterally tears falling in the glass) and came up behind me and said, "Don't worry. Things are only going to get worse." I thought to myself, "Get Worse??? HOW can things get any worse!?" It just hit me in such a weird way that I stopped crying. I started laughing.

Only about a half hour later, my husband walked through the door and that's the night my life changed forever. We didn't get together that particular night but we started talking and we realized after about 2 weeks that we belonged together and we've been together ever since. He moved in with me and my kids.

I've been with my husband now for a LONG time but in the beginning after our initial getting to know each other (about 2 months), I did a lot of things to start fights and we almost didn't make it.

He loved me enough to stick it out though and because of him my life changed for the better. He loved me so much and still does (I love him too ) that he's helped me survive my life.

We don't drink anymore or smoke. We go to church every Sunday and we've done a lot towards improving our quality of life.

I wish I were a lot less emotional about things than I am but I do have to say, it's something that I'm working on and coming here and talking helps me a lot to get through some of the things that I have "issues" with.

I think I'm going to actually sit and write about my experiences in a book. It may actually help me get through this and over it.

Rylee

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I would buy a copy so please let us know when someone agrees to publish it.
Kim