[greenature]

Hi Everyone,

I just joined today and I'm glad that there is something like this out here.

I'm seriously considering placing my baby for an open adoption. I'm not in a place to raise a child -- I'm 24, in grad school living off of loans, and I'm still planning on going to med school too. I'm really nervous about the whole adoption process though. I've already dealt with people who don't know how to react when I say "I'm considering adoption" and I've only told my closest friends and some family. Anyway, besides all that, I've been speaking to a pregnancy counselor and she says this is normal, I'm terrified for when the agency contacts my ex-boyfriend.

Make a long story short, my ex and I broke up in December, I found out I was pregnant in January, and I told him shortly after, and he was in complete denial, saying I was making stories up in my head and to "go live something of a life". (There's some back story that might explain his reaction that involves his current girlfriend sending me harrassing emails, which he didn't believe either.) I was so angry by his reaction and by how crappy and immature he was being, that I acted equally immature and eventually told him I got an abortion. I regret that but I acted on impulse.

Anyway, I'm scared of how he's going to react to all of this -- I think he'll continue on remaining in denial. Does anyone else have stories about birthfather's reactions to the decision of placing a baby up for adoption? Or their reaction to being notified of an adoption? I've been searching the internet and I pretty much sense that birthfather's (not all though) don't care and never really get involved. Is that a safe assumption?

I look forward to hearing from everyone! thanks!!

[Oceans]

Well, I have stories of 2-18yo birthfathers. I placed 26 yrs ago. He supported the adoption and signed the paperwork. He came in to see our son once because I called. He was touched. Years later when my son turned 18, I called him to get basic info in case I was contacted (my adoption was closed). We chatted. He missed our son too and had thought about him often thru the years.

My second story is more recent and isn't mine so take that's for what its worth.

A family member recently placed. The birthfather was all for my family member parenting. He however, is in the military and would maybe see his son once a year - Parenting would be 100% on her. They were not together (her choice). Once she chose adoption, he cut off contact completely saying, "if I can't be my son's Dad, then I want nothing to do with him." The baby was born, we called and called the birthfather - he refused to come to meet his son OR sign paperwork (not required in our state). The birthfather's mom came to visit at the hospital tho... The birthfather left the state for his military duty 3 days later. About 2 weeks later, he called crying (literally). He missed his son and realized that he had made a HUGE mistake. My family member has a very OPEN OA. He wanted that too. He is now working on a letter to the adoptive parents so he can have contact.

So this is my experience with birthfathers... They will cause you all kinds of misery along the way BUT in the end, they love their children.

I am assuming you will have an open adoption? If so, encourage him to participate. Ask for separate visitation etc. Most adoptive parents would welcome contact from a birthfather as long as he is an emotionally healthy person and birthfather involvement is very healthy for the child. The added bonus is that it will save you from answering all sorts of questions in the future


PS -I hope you stay and participate in these forums. There is a great group of people here. I encourage you to post some additional questions about adoption in general. You will get MANY different opinions but all are based on real life, and there is NOTHING like "real life" experience when it comes to adoption!

[Oceans]

Hey Green - I am bumping this for you. Maybe some aparents will give your their experience with bdads (or lack of experience).

This is a great question...

[Rondidondi]

Here's my story...
I told the father I was pregnant when we weren't together anymore.
I told him I intended to place the child for adoption. He kinda struggled with that. I came straight out with him and confronted him about many "issues" in his life that were not appropriate to raise a child in.
He then agreed to meet with the agency to see what the process was all about.
He filled out medical history forms and was sent his TPR in the mail. He never signed the TPR and I actually decided to parent.
He is apart of his son's life and has seeked help with his "issues".
In my state, WI. The father may sign TPR in front of a notary and send it to the courts. Or refuse to sign and their rights can be terminated after a certain time frame, if they do not contest the adoption.

As Oceans stated...

PS -I hope you stay and participate in these forums. There is a great group of people here. I encourage you to post some additional questions about adoption in general. You will get MANY different opinions but all are based on real life, and there is NOTHING like "real life" experience when it comes to adoption!

This is an AWESOME place to get your questions answered. And for great support with such a hard decision.
My thoughts are with you!

[quantum]

The relationship with my son's birthfather ended long before I found out I was pregnant.
I wasn't going to tell him at all (I was 18 at the time), but when I found out my baby was going to be in foster care for 3 months without father's consent or 6 weeks with, I decided to inform him.
His reactions were:
1)why didn't you get an abortion
2)my parents think you're after money
3) he signed the papers and that's the last I heard from him (so I thought).

22 years later, I searched for the son I was told to forget and when I told my parents that I found him my mother confessed they'd gotten a letter from the birthfather that they'd never forwarded on to me. So I don't know.

I had blocked out his last name due to the trauma of all that happened so finding him now is impossible. I found a friend who knew him and I the summer that we dated, I explained why I was searching and have heard nothing since then.

Good luck with your decisions!

[RavenSong]

Personally, I think that many birthfathers get the short end of the stick when it comes to relinquishment. Men, in general, don't seem to easily talk about their feelings, especially when it comes to grief and loss. Because of this factor, I think a lot of people judge them to be uncaring about their children. And I disagree with this perception.

My son's father was 20 y/o when I became pregnant. My mother wouldn't allow us to get married, and since I was 16 y/o at the time, I needed her consent. When it seemed likely that statutory rape charges would be filed by my mom, my boyfriend took off. At the time he left, I assured him I was keeping the baby and would marry him as soon as I turned 18. But I eventually caved in and agreed to relinquishment when I was about 7 months pregnant.

My boyfriend returned when our son was about 6 months old, fully expecting to meet him. It broke my heart to tell him that he was 6 months too late. I expected him to be outraged at me, but he wasn't, at least not outwardly. I met up with him throughout the ensuing years, and I always sensed a sadness in him about the loss of our son.

He went on to marry and have three more children. And he was a fantastic father to those kids. He also went with me to the adoption agency in 1983, the year our son turned 11 y/o, to sign a waiver of confidentiality, just in case our son's parents needed to contact us (which they did 2 years later). I've often thought he was such a great dad to his subsequent children partly because of losing his first-born child. He was a bit overprotective, much in the same manner I've seen birthmothers be when they have more kids. Unfortunately, we lost him in a trucking accident when DS was 22 y/o. But at least they had been able to meet each other by then.

I do believe that fathers have rights that need to be addressed. And I think they're often overlooked in the adoption process. It's too easy to stereotype birthfathers as irresponsible, carefree, and non-attached to their children.

One thing I'd like to point out is that it is awfully early in your pregnancy to be deciding on adoption. If you just found out in January, then you're about 2 months along? Please take the time to consider all your options. There are a lot of financial resources available to pregnant women and mothers that weren't available in my day. If you absolutely don't want to parent this child, then adoption may very well be the way to go. But if you're considering relinquishment because of financial matters, please check out all the available help first. There are lifelong repercussions involved in adoption. Just ask any of the birthmothers here on the forums...

[greenature]

Thanks everyone for your responses so far! I really appreciate it!

[browneyes0707]

Green:

I replied on the adoptive parents thread (it's the one I saw first.) I hope it helps, and feel free to PM me if you want to talk!