[shash]

I’ve been checked out for a few months but know that there have been several people on here over the last year that have been in reunion. I’ve noticed in reading back that after the reunion and the newness wears off that contact often becomes sporadic for no apparent reason. With that being said here is my question… I know pre-reunion it is very stressful not knowing when a reunion may occur, if you are saying the right things, anxiously awaiting a response etc. which makes for an emotional rollercoaster.

In reading the experiences of others here it sounds like the same anxiety, questioning, waiting, thinking and re-thinking continues to occur after reunion. So, I’m wondering if despite the ongoing emotional rollercoaster after reunion, in retrospect would you meet your bs/bd if you could do it over again.

I think as birthmoms there is part of us that hopes for some sort of peace of mind, fulfillment, anxiety reduction etc. when a reunion finally happens but I’m wondering if that is just our own fallacy and that reunion actually just keeps us on that same rollercoaster. I’m really interested in your thoughts.

[quantum]

I do feel like finding my son has given me an inner peace that I didn't have before.
Yes, it's been a bit of a roller coaster over the past year, but I definately think it's worth it!
My situation is a bit weird since we have thousands of miles and an ocean between us, it would be hard to tell if there was pullback!

Of course, I think it depends on the mom, depends on the kid etc. My son seems pretty darn together which helps I think.

Hope that helps?

[Rylee45]

To tell you the truth, if I knew then what I know now, I would rather never meet her. That sounds horrible but it's come to a point I had to say good bye and mean it.

I don't know if I will last "forever" not wanting to hear from her again. I don't know how she feels about it. I don't know what to think. I just know that the pain has been horrible and it's something I wouldn't want to go through again if I had a choice in the matter.

I'd just have rather lived with the fantacy that my daughter was a good girl, in a good home with parents who loved her and loved me for giving them a beautiful child instead of the reality of their hating me, my daughter being a devil worshiper and drug addict, alcoholic, child abuser etc.

I would rather never have known ANY of that.

Rylee

[SuddenlySusan]

Shash,

It is best to receive counseling and participate in a support group prior to searching. Most of us didn't/don't do that, and we are left to deal with all of our buried emotions when they erupt upon finding our lost children. Many of the emotions come from the place of the young girl who lost her baby and who is still suffering. When we find our children, or when our children find us, they not only have their own issues to deal with, but if we are not prepared they will be subjected to our issues as well.

I had no preparation before searching, and in fact didn't even think I had any issues -- until reunion. It has been incredibly hard work: reaching back for the buried memories, opening and cleaning out old wounds, educating myself regarding the historical aspects of adoption, engaging in therapy and support groups, understanding the effects of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and finally reaching the point where I could talk about what happened.

The things that have helped me have been: my son's healthy attitude and acceptance of me; the fact that my son's mother told him about me, was supportive of his search, and has accepted me as his other mother; a loving and supportive husband and raised children; and, most importantly, my dogged determination to do what I need to do to heal myself, including support group and working with a therapist who is well-versed in adoption issues (NOT a counselor from an adoption agency).

This journey has been worth the effort, because without it I doubt I would have faced the demons inside of me, and would have continued to "mark time" with the rest of the "walking wounded and undead." Whether or not my son and I maintain a lifelong relationship is a separate issue to my journey of healing. I want both: my son and my healing. But, no matter what happens, I will have set myself free from the bondage of guilt and shame, and from the prison of pain and alienation. I have myself back...I am free at last...

Peace,
Susan

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

It is best to receive counseling and participate in a support group prior to searching. Most of us didn't/don't do that, and we are left to deal with all of our buried emotions when they erupt upon finding our lost children. Many of the emotions come from the place of the young girl who lost her baby and who is still suffering. When we find our children, or when our children find us, they not only have their own issues to deal with, but if we are not prepared they will be subjected to our issues as well.

Susan is absolutely correct in psychologically preparing ourselves for reunion, so our children are not bombarded with our own buried emotions. I was very fortunate in this regard. A couple years before reuniting with my son, I joined a fantastic search/reunion support group that included members from all sides of the triad. I was able to use this time period to discover what issues I had going inside me and to deal with them. I also was so blessed to be able to meet adoptees and amoms who shared their hearts with me. Meeting other bmoms in person, and getting to know them over time, was also invaluable. By seeing and hearing the pain and grief other bmoms were experiencing, I was able to acknowledge my own deeply buried pain, grief and loss.

Another great way of preparing myself for the reunion was by receiving a few sessions of counseling at the agency where I had relinquished. I had gone thru the county department of adoptions, and here in California, bmoms are eligible for limited post-adoptions counseling, even if it is years after the adoption took place. The post-adoptions caseworker was absolutely fabulous, and I was also able to call her occasionally during the first few years after I reunited with DS. I wish she hadn't retired because I could really use her insight and help now with some serious issues that have arisen 18 years after reunion.

Would I do it again, even though DS has now severed our relationship? It's tempting when I feel really hurt or angry to say no, but the truth is yes...in a heartbeat.

[shash]

I appreciate everyone's responses. It's such a tough situation and there are so many emotions. I would have never ever guessed it would be this hard.

[Rylee45]

You know, I probably could have healed and been ok with the adoption had my daughter not been abused in the home she was raised.

Believing that she was in a "better place than I could raise her" with "two loving parents instead of me the unfit single teen mother" was what kept me going for so many years.

I was sad, I was depressed a lot especially around birthdays and holidays but it was for not having her with me, NOT for her having a set of parents who were "loving her and being good parents". That was the part that made my saddness not SO sad was beliving that.

When I met her and found out all the things she'd been through such as her parents divorsing, the abuse she got, being homeless for awhile because she ran away to get away from her abusive adoptive family. There was a whole lot more than what I'm mentioning here that happened to her.

When I found all this out, not only did the pain of losing her when she was born flair back up, but I had such guilt that she was abused in the home that she was supposed to be PROTECTED in that it sent me over the edge emotionally.

I had quit drinking for a long time before I met my daughter. I even quit smoking. But when we met and I heard all the stuff that she'd been through I started drinking and smoking and going completely off the wall to a point I almost destroyed my marriage and my life. I didn't want to live and I almost commited suicide.

I have since quit drinking again and quit smoking again but it's very difficult at times not to just pick up a beer or cigarette and start again. The stress I've been under lately has been overwhelming. If it weren't for my husband and supporting me in staying clean and sober and not smoking either, I would probably be doing it all again.

Now with the way things are, I'm dealing with the pain of losing my daughter and my grandchildren and having all these emotions just going on and on to a point I am about to lose it again. I don't want to feel this way.

I honestly believe that had I not met my daughter I would have been better off. Since I couldn't go back and undo an adoption that took place no matter how I felt or how much I wanted to keep her, the other thing I should have done was make sure she couldn't find me and hide for the rest of my life so I didn't have to deal with the kind of pain I'm dealing with right now.

Rylee

[soprano]

I had no pre-reunion counseling either, and my BD attended one session and thought it wasn't useful to her. In retrospect, I wish both of us had gotten counseling and support (both separately and together). It's been a very difficult decade post-reunion, and she has cut me out of her life. Despite all of the incredible pain she has lashed out at me, I cannot say I wouldn't jump at the chance for reunion were I allowed to "do it again". What can I say. I love her.

Soprano

[RavenSong]

Soprano, I know how much you're hurting right now. But if there's hope for me, there's hope for you! My son severed our 18-year-long relationship last September...he changed his mind just last week, and sent me an email. Since then, he's been sending email every other day. I plan to call him on the phone this weekend, and hopefully we'll be getting together sometime in the next couple months.

My son is one of the most stubborn people on this planet...he gets it from both his father and me. And if he can change his mind, so can your daughter. Please don't give up hope on reuniting with your daughter in the future. And don't underestimate the power of prayer....

[Patty-cake]

I certainly would do it differently if I could go back in time. I would have immediately gone to counciing instead of waiting until I was a complete basket case. I lost it for quite a while remembering all that I had worked so hard to forget only to have her blow me offafter meeting r2f. Then I went to therapy-for 3 years now. My daughter and I are beginning to communicate once again and I'm hoping that at some point we can meet again.

Since My daughter was placed during the closed adoption era- It is good to know that the agency honored my wishes on certain things that I asked for. I am also pleased to know that my daughter's family love her and took good care of her in a better than average way. I am not pleased that they don't want her to have a relatinnship with me and have layed tremendos guilt on her about even looking for me.

I think a lot of the pain could have been avoid had I been better prepaired.-Patty

[MrsHoot]

I would absolutely do it again, in a heartbeat! I too was totally unprepared but 15 months in and I can say it has been one of the best things I ever did.

Has it caused problems - YES! Has it been always been easy - NO! Have I cried a million tears - YES!

But my daughter is my child, even if she wasn't raised by us, she is one of us. Knowing her, having her know her sisters and be in their lives as they grow up - priceless!

[loveis]

Originally Posted by MrsHoot

I would absolutely do it again, in a heartbeat! I too was totally unprepared but 15 months in and I can say it has been one of the best things I ever did.

Has it caused problems - YES! Has it been always been easy - NO! Have I cried a million tears - YES!

But my daughter is my child, even if she wasn't raised by us, she is one of us. Knowing her, having her know her sisters and be in their lives as they grow up - priceless!

I am an adoptee and have been reunited with bmom for 5 months, I second all you have said. I would do it again in a heartbeat, all that I have gained from this whole experience well out weighs the "problems" of reunion and there are many!

I love to hear you say that she is your child, and that she is one of you. That is how I feel and I believe that is how my bmom feels. What an incredible feeling to have.

I think I am up to 2 million tears, LOL! And I am still unprepared!! I don't think you can ever be prepared for this, and if anyone does has that magical knowledge please send it on!

[geogdeb]

I would do it again over and over if I had to, despite the emotional roller coaster. I can't understand why a mother (or father ) would not want to know the child they relinquished, even if the the results were not good. I can understand severing a relationship if, as Rylee has experienced, things were not good. But I don't think I could ever live the rest of my life not knowing who my son is and where he is.