[loveccl]

So what should I do? Here I am birthmother of almost 14 yrs and finally pregnant again. I waited and wanted a baby for so long. Now I am in the same place. I am helpless and hopeless and lost. I turn 3-0 in a week and I just thought things would get easier or better. Tonight I realized that the perfect dad I picked has way too much baggage. He has two kids and a CRAZY jealouse ex wife. She has moved on and gotten married but still she calls our home every night and screams about nothing. Its really not healthy for me or my unborn baby. I talked to his Brother and Sister inlaw and they told me to choose a healthy life for my baby and me. So I sit here tonight knowing what I have always known...I can rip out my own heart and still survive...but I'm just not strong enough to be a single parent. So do I give another lil guy up for adoption? I have no family or support system and in the last 14 yrs I have not gotten much off the ground for a career. I spent my 20's just getting from one day to the next. Last fall when I got preg I actually had a great job, and my beau was wonderful and I knew the ex was crazy, but now I am too sick to work and spend my days not knowing how to go on. Has anyone out there ever done this twice? I never thought I would. I wasn't a **** stat...I even broke off a 5 yr LTR and gave back the ring because the guy was not right to be daddy. Some how I feel like I desever better. Like my lil guy deserves better. Still I have to wonder tonight what hurts the most...ripping out my own heart again or stepping off the cliff and being a single mom w/ no support system.

All Birthparent insight is welcome and apprecitated...not in the mood to hear from Aparents. Just don't think you could understand and I don't like pitty.

Loveccl

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Well.....it sounds as if you have thought all of this through....with your heart. Now it is time to mull it over in your HEAD. You need to get information......on everything from what assistance you qualify for, what services can you get for the baby, etc.

What job are you willing to take to pay the bills? What does daycare cost in your area? Would you be willing to move to an area with lower cost of living?

You said that you wanted better for your baby. Well, get better. I think you are pregnant now for a reason. Maybe this is your lightbulb moment that changes your life.

No pity here....just a plea for you to get active in keeping this baby. No reason to rip that heart out, but quit thinking so much with it and start using that noggin of yours.

Good luck!

Kim

[RavenSong]

Being 30 years old and pregnant is a LOT different than being 16 years old and pregnant, IMHO. I guess you just have to ask yourself whether you really want to raise your child or not. Sure it'll be hard being a single mother, but do you really want to go through another relinquishment? A lot of women in this country are raising their children alone on meager paychecks. Is it your financial situation that is bothering you the most, or is it the lack of emotional support from your family and the baby's father?

Personally, I could never go through losing another child to adoption. I put my son up for adoption when I was 17 years old, and I didn't try conceiving another child during my 20's. In my early 30's, by the time I was ready for another child, I found out that I couldn't conceive. So there's always the risk of later infertility, too.

This is a question that only you can answer, but if I were you, I would fully explore all my options before making any decision. I know it's not easy, and I wish I could be of more help. I do hope you consider keeping this child, though.

[Oceans]

Here is the great thing about support systems - at least the emotional kind - They are all over the place. I'm sorry if BF or family isn't being there for you right now, but you have your friends here, and if you choose to parent, there are all kinds of things you can get involved in to meet other single parents. No matter what, you're not alone...

What I would suggest is that you start preparing for parenthood because time wise, it takes the longest. Take a parenting class, build a support system, research daycare and other services you may need. Budget, evaluate your relationship, make a plan for your career, make a list etc. Once you get a true picture of what parenthood looks like, your decision will be clearer.

I know you said you weren't strong enough to do this alone, but I bet you are The 16 year old girl you were... may not have been able BUT the 30 year old woman you are now - can.

And last suggestion...get caller ID and don't answer the phone when crazy ex calls - you don't need that!

[julie23]

hello... i don't think i have much to offer... i placed in 1986... and spent the next four years pretty much in despair... got pregnant a second time in 1990... this time, i knew what i had to do to keep this baby... i married the father.

i divorced him 1.5 years later... and ended up being a single parent for 4 years... BUT.. this time (maybe because i made my daughter "legitimate") my parents helped me a lot... they let me move back in with them and finish my college degree....

my daughters paternal grandparents also helped us alot...

i don't know how people do it alone.. without support.. but they do... they manage....

i am really trying hard to figure out all this stuff.... because we are trying to adopt a baby boy.... and i absolutely without a doubt... do not want to adopt a baby whose mother can really parent... but may just not understand how....

another first mother put it this way.... she said two things matter when considering relinquishing your parental rights: Do you think you are able to parent well and do you want to parent?

if you answer "yes" to both of those, now would be a great time to start getting ready to parent... instead of worrying about an adoption plan... you know?

start pouring all your energy into how you are going to make it work...

just today, i realized that in my own situation 22 years ago... from the moment i knew i was pregnant... i did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to prepare to parent.... nothing... i didn't get a job... i didn't get an apartment... i didn't take a parenting class.... i didn't get a crib.... i did nothing... of course, at 6 months pregnant i found myself in a home for unwed mothers.... where the whole focus was relinquishing... but when i announced "i want to keep my baby"... i had nothing to back that... when they all said "no way"... i couldn't do it on my own... without help... my own lack of preparation backed me into a corner...

if you answer "i don't know"... or "I'm not sure"... i would strongly suggest you start preparing to parent... that way you don't back yourself into a corner... where you limit your options... and make it harder to parent when the time comes...

and of course... if the answers are "no"... then maybe you focus on an adoption plan...

good luck,
julie

[Mil]

I would think long and hard before relinquishing another child! It's one thing to be a teenager and relinquish, but like others said - you're 30 yrs. old. While it won't be easy to parent, I would think you'd find it much harder to place a second time! I agree with the others - use this time to figure out how you CAN parent this child. Good luck in whatever you decide.

[Mommy24]

Adoption isn't always about being a young, pregnant teenager. There are many "older" women who decide for whatever reason to make that decsion in the best interest of their child.

With that said, Love, only you can make this decision. You and only you know the circumstances surrounding your thoughts to make this, very hard, decision. The best advice I can give you is to be informed of all of your options. Single parenting is hard, but so is adoption, as you well know. If you want to parent, find the resources to allow you to do that, if you feel that you can't parent, look deep into yourself to find out what is making you think you can't and then reach out for help to show you that you can do it.

Whatever decision you make, we are here for you!

(((HUGS)))

[Mil]

I don't think age is necessarily a determining factor, but lets face it - many more 30 yr. olds are better able to cope as a single parent than a teenager. I wasn't saying that older women shouldn't place under certain circumstances - but their maturity puts them in a much better position to be a single parent than a teenager.

[loveccl]

Thanks so much for ALL the support...

I had a good cry last night and I feel better. I emailed my cousin who is my age and a single mom of 2 boys. She does live on the other side of the state, but has always been there for me if I really needed her. She got back to me and let me know that she did have an extra room if I needed it tell I got on my feet. I love the Seattle area and don't want to move East, but things are cheaper there and I know I'll have her. I am still close w/ my ex fiance's aunt and she sent me a great email of support. After calling me a drama queen my BF actually bonded w/ my tummy this morn. We even went and bought baby clothes. Its just not what I waited for or how I planned things to be. So as you have all suggested I MAKE NEW PLANS.

I'll let ya know how things continue to go. I know I have a big decision to make. For right now I am going to put adoption on the back burner. My cousin pointed out that we are getting old and who knows if I will ever be preg again. I do love my lil guy even when he dances in my belly at 3am. I do want to be his mommy. I just really wanted a family. Note I was a foster kid so thats why my family doesn't really exist much. I do have some friends but they always seem busy w/ thier lives. These boards have always been a constant hug when I needed it the most.

I hope you know how very much I appreciate you all!!!

Loveccl AKA Darcy

[bromanchik]

Congratulations!!

[belleinblue1978]

Congratualtions

A very wise woman, my mom, often tells me that things usually don't work out how we plan, they work out for the better.

I was 26 when I had kiddo, even now, at almost thirty, with great job and a home and all that stuff I would be scared if I got pregnant, so many doubts. BUT, I know things I didn't then. Don't be afraid, be brave and make plans for you and baby.

[Howdy]

Originally Posted by loveccl

....in the last 14 yrs I have not gotten much off the ground for a career. I spent my 20's just getting from one day to the next. Last fall when I got preg I actually had a great job, and my beau was wonderful and I knew the ex was crazy, but now I am too sick to work and spend my days not knowing how to go on...

Oh how I feel for you about getting your career off the ground, my 20s also were miserable, but turned around in my 30s. I am so sorry you don't have family to support you. I read a book last year, forget its name, but it was all about how it is too expensive now for young people to successfully launch at the early ages that historically were expected. It said nowadays kids need partial parental financial support well into their 20s and not at all uncommon until they are 30.

Just wanted to let you know that you shouldn't be blaming yourself for having a hard time getting a career going.

I was glad to read your post about your cousin offering you a room and the baby's father being supportive.

One thing that might help is if you can find some free counseling, go and discuss the situation with the crazy ex. Maybe you can find a way to handle it that will take that worry out of the picture.

[thanksgivingmom]

Oh I'm SO glad to read this this morning!

I have been thinking about you a lot recently and was so hoping that you would come to this conclusion! You can read in your posts how much you love you have - you're going to be a great Mom to this new little guy!!!

And we're always here for you!

[quantum]

*hugs* for you Darcy.
Just remember that hormones go wacky! and it's completely normal to have panicky feelings, no matter what your situation!
I'm SO GLAD you're feeling better!

[loveccl]

Well I just did the math...w/ day care costs and rent and everything...Not even me the magician of survival can do this. There was a volcanic like explosion tonight and I know that there is NO way I want my child around his fathers ex-wife ever. I get stuck with $1400 in Day Care and everything else. I can't do this by myself and he refuses to problem solve or even show he cares.

So I am going to contact an agency and see what options for a very open adoption there is. I know I know Open means nothing...but maybe I can choose the right people this time.

Just wanted to say thank you again to everyone!

Loveccl