[julie23]

22 years ago i had a baby girl..... and ever since then, i have said different things about that... depending on what i was told about what i did.... does that make sense?

at first... i gave my baby up for adoption.

then.... i placed my baby for adoption....

more recently, i relinquished my daughter...

and i have struggled along with many others.... of how what to call her... bdaughter... biodaughter... birthdaughter... relinquished daughter... placed daughter...

as well as how to differentiate her from the three i am raising... my raised daughters... my kept daughter...

and tonight... at this adoption class i was at.... because we are planning on adopting.... i heard the legal words for what i did 22 years ago....

I relinquished my parental rights and consented to the adoption.

now... this might just seem like semantics to a lot of people... but to me... this was like a light bulb going off in a dark room... really.. an aha moment...

i relinquished my parental rights... i did not relinquish my daughter... that doesn't say i stopped being a mother... that doesn't say now i am only a birthmother... all it says is i gave up any parental rights i had to the baby...

and i agreed to allow her to be adopted by her adoptive parents.... i gave my consent for that to happen...for them to parent her...

this sounds dumb, i know... but now i know what she is to me.... and what i am to her...

i am just her mother.... and she is just my daughter... and i have decided to post like this... when i am speaking about her, i will post, my daughter TIDNR*... and when i talk about my other daughters.... i will say my daughter TIR* and just assume everyone who knows me knows what i mean... or they can check out my new signature....

i am still mulling this over... and those of you who know me, well, you know what that means....

j

[Jackiejdajda]

I remember standing in front of the judge.. and giving up my parental rights..
He told me that when I signed the papers he was no longer my son..

Forever..

A memory written in stone in my mind.. and heart..

I do not think I can get past that..

Jackie

[keds]

Jackie,

((HUGS)) I can totally relate although, since I was a minor I wasn't allowed in the courtroom. I had to sit in the hall while my mother stood in front of the judge. Let me tell you, I can still picture it, the colour of the floor tiles, how many doors to the exit, the clothes I wore (which I threw away as I couldn't stand the sight of them after that day!). Yes, an image burned into my brain!

[julie23]

for me, the whole court thing is a fuzzy blur... . i remember going... i remember sitting there... and i remember saying "yes"... when the insides of me were screaming "no"... but i pretty much don't remember anything that anyone said... or even, what it was i was saying "yes" to... and i just remember crying... i remember trying to nod my head "yes"... and being told I had to say it....

and I guess, one thing that has been a struggle for me, was defining exactly what it was that i did... i know that sounds weird... but in my mind, I did NOT give away my daughter... I did not abandon my daughter.... i think of those things as being different than what i did... but then, i ask "how?'"

and hearing the legal definition of it all was very helpful to me...

i did not relinquish my daughter.

I DID relinquish my parent rights... and i don't see those as the same thing... but some, i'm sure, would argue that they are the same...

but i contest... i say, no... i did not stand up there and say, YES.. i give away this baby.

i said yes... i give up any rights i have to parent this baby... to make any future decisions regarding her well being... I gave up MY rights.... i did not give up the baby... it may seem i am splitting hairs here... but they are important to me...

i relinquished... abandoned... gave away... MY RIGHTS.

not the baby.

i did not abandon or give away that baby....

and yes, i agreed to the adoption of this baby by another family....

i agreed that a different mom and dad could provide the care that she needed... that they could parent her.....

i agreed that she would have a new mom and dad who claim those parental rights that i just relinquished....

i did not give her to them.... i gave them to her.

and yes.. you could argue, that i am splitting hairs here..... and that it is just all semantics...

but... they didn't ask me if i am relinquishing this baby... they didn't ask me if i am giving her away...

I remember standing in front of the judge.. and giving up my parental rights..
He told me that when I signed the papers he was no longer my son..

when i sort things... sometimes i find myself back at the very beginning... and sorting it again... and that is where i am at now... i don't know why.

but this is what i am sorting.... what did i do when i signed the papers? what did i agree to when i said yes?

i listen too much sometimes to what people write here... i think.

i had to sort it... to ask, is this my daughter? who is she and what part did i have in it? maybe i could give you a million reasons why she is not my daughter... b

but i did not give her away. i did not abandon her. i did not throw her away. i did not relinquish her.


j

[doinit4me]

I'm an adoptee and I just have to say I cried when I read all your posts. It was a happy cry if that makes sense. I am starting my search and it made me feel good to hear what you said. And I agree with you all, there is a big difference between giving up a baby and giving up parental rights.

I wish all of you the best!
Lori

[Oceans]

Originally Posted by julie23

I relinquished my parental rights and consented to the adoption.

now... this might just seem like semantics to a lot of people... but to me... this was like a light bulb going off in a dark room... really.. an aha moment...

I bet it was!! I just had one myself.

I always understood what relinquishment meant however I never saw it a absolving me of my responsibilities so I could “move on” or “get on with my life”.

While, being a parent was no longer my job, becoming the person that my son would be proud to call his mother absolutely was!!! I made some pretty good choices early on in life because I embraced this and still do today.

I call him my son because he is and always will be to me. For him to call me his “Mom” is still to be determined by him. However, I know I have tried very hard to earn that honor for the pat 26 years and I’m proud of that.

So thanks for the words and I will use them going forward with only a slight addition:

I relinquished my parental rights and consented to the adoption. I never relinquished my responsibility.

[Oceans]

Originally Posted by julie23

i did not give her to them.... i gave them to her.

OMGosh!! That is perfect, wonderful!!!

WOW!!

Thanks (again) for the new words!!

[wilted rose]

Originally Posted by julie23

...

i

when i sort things... sometimes i find myself back at the very beginning... and sorting it again... and that is where i am at now... i don't know why.

but this is what i am sorting.... what did i do when i signed the papers? what did i agree to when i said yes?

i listen too much sometimes to what people write here... i think.

i had to sort it... to ask, is this my daughter? who is she and what part did i have in it? maybe i could give you a million reasons why she is not my daughter... b

but i did not give her away. i did not abandon her. i did not throw her away. i did not relinquish her.


j

Julie I believe it's all in the 'processing' whether we move forward and heal ourselves. We all come to that in our own way...
As an adoptee what I hear you saying is that you reserve the right as a mother to an emotional, perhaps spiritual connection with your bdaughter...
Rose

[katlyn]

i relinquished... abandoned... gave away... MY RIGHTS.

not the baby.

i did not abandon or give away that baby....

and yes, i agreed to the adoption of this baby by another family....

i agreed that a different mom and dad could provide the care that she needed... that they could parent her.....

i agreed that she would have a new mom and dad who claim those parental rights that i just relinquished....

i did not give her to them.... i gave them to her.

All I can say is WOW...I love that perspective and I can relate to that view.

I call him my son because he is and always will be to me. For him to call me his “Mom” is still to be determined by him. However, I know I have tried very hard to earn that honor for the pat 26 years and I’m proud of that.

I still feel as if my DD, is just that, my daughter, but I am not her "mom"...unless she chooses to call me so.

Julie I believe it's all in the 'processing' whether we move forward and heal ourselves. We all come to that in our own way...
As an adoptee what I hear you saying is that you reserve the right as a mother to an emotional, perhaps spiritual connection with your bdaughter...

That is a beautiful way to look at it!

This is an exceptional thread, it really makes me stop and think about how I view things. I'm on my emotional roller coaster journey to reunion and I am trying to be like a sponge and absorb all the knowledge and perspective I can from ALL sides.

[julie23]

i think knowing these words has been empowering for me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by julie23

i did not give her to them.... i gave them to her.

OMGosh!! That is perfect, wonderful!!!

WOW!!

Thanks (again) for the new words!!

when i wrote:

I listen too much sometimes to what people write here... i think.

i was thinking of the numerous occasions i have read "birthmoms abandon their babies... " or how many times i have read from adoptees how they feel so abandoned... and even books label it "abandonment issues"... and the term abandonment so often plastered on me... and it never feels right... i did try it on for a while... but it doesn't fit...

often times i read about adoptees who have to come to terms with "being given away"... and gosh, it's like fingernails on a chalk board...

i did not give away my baby...

but somehow, after five years of being around here, my mental picture of "what happened" 22 years ago, is of me handing the adoptive parents my baby... this didn't actually happen, back then the social worker took care of it all... but this is the only picture i can muster up... and it looks like i'm giving her away...

and that is not what happened....

with my new way of thinking, i am replacing that picture...

and i have a new mental picture... of me, standing in front of my baby's cradle.... and then, i step aside, and allow the adoptive parents to step into the parenting role of this baby...

that feels more right...

I consented to the adoption.

I gave THEM PERMISSION to parent my baby....

Wilted Rose..... i don't know where i will end up with this.... but it does seem to be part of my journey today.

j

[SchmennaLeigh]

Hmm. I think you might have something here.

[Jackiejdajda]

I remember the adoption therapist I had some sessions with..
She was used to dealing with a woman that was considering relinquishing..

She said to me.. “Women may sign the papers but they never give up the child”… or something like that.. I can not remember.

It felt good when she said that.. I liked it.. it was true..
I remember on alt.adoption.. me saying I abandoned my son.. standing in that..
A woman an amom wrote to me.. that she did not think I had done that..

I think it was me facing up to the fact that I had sent my son to the great unknown.. standing in it and seeing how it fit..
Sending him away from my protection..
My mothers care..

But.. I was in no shape to care for him..

Jackie

[browneyes0707]

Julie:

I like your insight

[Mrs_Tammy94]

Julie
I can not tell you how much you have touched me with your words. I have a hard time writing my words down. Although, I am working on it. A social worker made a contact with my bson the day after Christmas. The news wasn't good. Like so many of you bmoms feel. It hurt like hell when he said he doesn't want contact and never will. The rejection hurts like no other. I have noticed myself soaking everything I have into my boys and husband to be perfect so they may not ever feel any kind of rejection. I know this isn't healthy but it is a way to cope. My heart will never be full till he can finally forgive me.

Your words again have touched my heart in a very special way. Thank you

[kakuehl]

Julie, thank you. That is a wonderful way to describe the whole process. You're right, I didn't give up D or my love for him; I did give up the right to parent him.