[Mrs_Tammy94]

RavenSong

I am sorry you had to have such a question asked by your adoptive son parents. That is
terrible! I think like many of bmoms can say, after having other children, we seems to over love/protect our children. I just think it is because we know what it could be like if they are gone. We have already lost one and just damaged. Oh! Well it isn't a bad thing. Now for a adoptive parents..........I think we can say that it is easier to say generational so the blame can't be on them.
I have lived my life to be a better parent than my parents. I chose though to educate myself. I chose to look at my generational bondage factors. I accepted them and look for better alternatives. We all have the choice right?
I attended a bible study called The Bondage Breaker by Beth Moore. It focused on Generational Bondage. That turned my life around. It helped me learned who I am. It was a blessing. You can correct what you have learned. It is your choice. I am not saying it would be easy but lets take resonsiblity for ourselves and change our mistakes.

[julie23]

thanks to those of you who have mentioned appreciation for my posts... i am a very strong introvert... that means that i process things internally...

one time, i made a comment to my sister (an extrovert who processes things by talking)... i said "well, I think... blah blah blah"... and she retorted, "OMG! You THINK too much!"... and i quickly replied, "yes, I do. I'm an introvert. You TALK too much."...

i found these boards five years ago.... and i have discovered that writing things out here is my new way of "thinking"... it has been very very therapeutic for me... i can write it... and read what i have written.. and process it.... and think about it.. and write some more...

and i have had the double blessing of having some amazing women respond to my posts with their thoughts... with their opinions... with their journey... and i have found companionship.... i have found that i am NOT alone... as i have always felt in this first mother journey.... i have found people with different viewpoints, that have helped me change mine... or become more grounded in my own viewpoint...

i have come here with pain.... with confusion.... with joy.... with sadness....

i need this place. and i need all the people who post here... every point in the triad... to learn... to process... to grieve....

it is why i struggle so much now, with wanting to keep myself from my daughter TIDNR*.... i do not want her to have access to my heart... the heart that i pour out here... she chose to walk away from me in a very ugly way.... in a way intended to hurt me.... i do not trust her.... i do not trust her with my heart...

and yet... i need all of you so much.... and i need this place to continue growing... to continue on my journey...

what a conundrum.

julie

[Jackiejdajda]

I think when we love our relinquished sons and daughters we give them chances we would not give to a stranger.. (even tho some are strangers)
I have told my bson about this place.. and maybe one day when he has time he will read my missives.. and learn about me..

I would like that.. and I am willing to be vulnerable.. and julie.. whew.. you have so much to give this woman/girl..of yours.
So much to teach her.. I love that I have been on this journey with you.. I love that I was able to be there when you really got hit bad.. and I was able to stand behind you .. not physically but with love.. Stand behind you and say.. “You are correct here”..

When some of us relinquished everything was taken from us.. decisions.. and time and heck for me seeing my son being born..
When things are taken away from us now.. we WE stand and fight..

Jackie

[julie23]

i have "known" you for a long time on these forums... i vividly remember the very first post of yours that i read... and how deeply you touched my soul...

i will be forever grateful for having you on this journey with me....

because of knowing you.... and how much you have helped me through my grief... and pain.... i have been able to reach into myself and pull out pieces that i thought were broken.... beyond my reach.... and watch them heal... and watch myself become whole...

this is a work in progress, jackie.... (nobody needs to compliment me on it... ) the point is, my brush never would have touched the canvas had i not met you.... and no matter what the finished product looks like, i am thrilled to be painting my little darlings....


julie

[julie23]

and this one is finished watercolor.... a little memory from a river rafting trip.....

i owe you a lot jackie...

[Juliana13]

RavenSong - (We are off the original topic a little, I know, but...) Who do those adoptive parents "blame" when their children are gifted? When they exhibit special talents, when they are beautiful, smart and have a funny sense of humor? Of course some of this comes form environment, friends, family, experiences, parenting style, etc. But so much of it comes from who they are, from their genetic make-up, too. I cannot tell you how often I look at my children and am amazed at their talents and inner beauty. I could not have given my daughter her beautiful eyes and quick wit. I could not have given my son his amazing musical ability. I can't even sing. I do not know his birthparents (limited contact), but know they listed musical instruments in their hobbies in the info I received. I'm guessing they passed on to him his ability to carry a perfect tune, in perfect rhythm. And my daughter's penchant for reading? I am delighted, as I love to read, and maybe I helped her along that path, the loving it part... But the ABILITY to naturally catch on and be able to read like she does is something that came from HER - and most probably because it came from her biological parents. They were smart people (I mean, heck, they chose US to be her parents... they at least have good taste, right? )

And I totally agree with Julie23 that we (adoptive parents) CANNOT badmouth our children's birthparents. Whether we like it or not, whether it should be or not, the view they have about their birthfamily hugely shapes the view they will have about themselves. Even IF a birthmother did make huge mistakes, they are still and forever the birthmother of that child. And that child should be allowed to love and respect their birthmother.

[Blessed2x.]

Julie,

Your paintings are lovely! Jackie is inspiring!!

B.

[loveccl]

So I am catching the end of this topic but still felt I would add...

I feel as a birthmother that I signed the papers for the Aparents to guide my son through 18 yrs of his life. Does this mean I'll be at his door on his 18th Birthday...honestly there is no where else I'd rather be. I am a birthmother CCL is my son. I once recieved a letter with a note from the amom that said Baby Boy R was your son CCL is our son. Note they were talking about the same lil guy I carried and gave birth to. Its been yrs since then but I think I responded with he has my eyes, my nose, and my lips...you could never give him those things. As for the self destructive drug addict part...they could never accuse me of something they openly did. If my sons turns out to be a pot smoking liar it will be because thats the environment he knows. Yes...sad but true.

I should also say that though for the most part my "home" has always been "healing recovery and success". I have been on these forums for yrs and I feel like I have grown so much here. I have seen so many people come and go and learned so much from all of you. Still nights like tonight when I am getting kicked and stressed about finally my second baby...I come here knowing I'll find comfort. I have said it a million times...before I found these forums in sept 2002 I believe people when they told me I was crazy for still feeling pain after 8 yrs. I wasn't crazy then and I am not crazy now. I do believe you can heal after adoption...I believe you can grow...but I will fight forever for my right to hurt and feel a dark day. I ripped my own heart out and placed it in the hands of druggies who betrayed me and my child. I live w/ that and still some how function.

The day I placed my son into the aparents car seat before they left the hosp...was they day I trusted them to guide him through 18 yrs. I gave away nothing except the the legal right to guide him in his first 18 yrs.

I know there are some great aparents out there...my lil brother has them...I was dumped into foster care and forgotten about...I always remind him he was the lucky one. I have no huge issues with Aparents in general, but I do have issues with my son's Aparents.

Loveccl

[susieloo]

On a positive note people. My daughters aparents ( closed adoption...reunion 11yrs) acknowlege my genes all the time in our beautiful daughter.
The first time I met them, (DD was 17 and it would be another year b4 I met her,) they were telling me about all her successes of which there were a few. I remember saying " You must be so proud!" and her adad said to me " Well they are your genes Susie">
Now that made a girl feel good.
susie

[susieloo]

Julie love ur paintings. Maybe u will inspire me in turn. Something I always put on the back burner.
Susie

[Jackiejdajda]

On my history and women’s rights thread I feel I am putting myself into a box.. with the what needs to be done issue..

But just reaching out to each other and knowing and understanding and being with.. is the answer.. is the way..
We separate off.. we want others to do what we do not want to do.. I say why didn’t the woman libbers help us.. and then in turn go away and do for me.. crap..

Julie the paintings are wonderful.. women heading off into the rapids.. powerful
I once did a painting of a tree and I put me in that tree.. holding my bson whom I did not see or hold..
The painting was a failure and I pulled it off of the stretcher.. but I still remember it.. I drew me and bson in the tree trunk and then painted the tree over it.. buried it I guess..

Now I sit here snowed in.. and telling hubby that he needs to stop trying to talk with me because I am trying to take in what Janny is writing.. about her primal wound.. and I have joy..

I have joy that you are painting Julie.. I think of The Artist Way and Julia Cameron saying that we need to work with our hands.. put pen to paper.. drawing is the same.. as writing in many ways.. and me looking forward to pulling the wool through the grid and making patterns..
We can heal from this.. I know we can..

Jackie

I am reminded..

T.S. Eliot (1888–1965). Prufrock and Other Observations. 1917.

1. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.



The mermaids will sing for me!!!!!

[escottswanson]

I don't know why I've never spent any time on these boards before... but I really appreciate and got a ton out of the perspectives on this thread alone. Thanks to all who contributed to it... it helps me a great deal with my reality

[julie23]

how lucky we are to find each other... in this world.... do you remember when you were all alone? do you remember keeping "the secret"?

grieving alone... being hidden in Jackie's tree with our birthchild.....

to paint... to create.... to release the inner soul... to capture a single moment of time that makes me happy.... and relive it with each brush stroke... in a way, the finished product does not so much matter as the process of creating it..... of picking the "perfect" photo.... sketching it... adding color.....

my easel sat for many weeks... with a blank canvas... one day, i started prepping it with a coat of gesso.... and it sat for more weeks....

a blank canvas....

now filled with a memory....

On my history and women’s rights thread I feel I am putting myself into a box.. with the what needs to be done issue.

i am not sure what you mean here, as i have not yet visited that thread... but it reminded me of a recent House episode... the girl was ranting about "boxes"... and how you can't put people in a "box"... and House commented that people who do not like boxes, are people who do not fit in one...

i hate boxes.... i hate being put in one... and house was right, i don't fit in one....

someday i would like to meet you all.... in real life... i would like to sit with you and paint... and sketch... maybe sculpt... or write poetry....

i would like to walk with you and talk....

i would like to hug you... to share in your pain, as you share in mine... and together we heal....

i imagine sitting in a cozy bed and breakfast with a toasty warm fire in a stone fireplace.... and Jackie can read us her poetry... and her quotes... about women... and our strength.....

yes... someday i would like to sit with you all... and just be "home"

tonight i go to my second adoption class.... they will have first mothers there... and adoptive families sharing their story... do you know that it will be the first time in 22 years that i will sit with another first mother... and hear her story face to face.... i cannot imagine not hugging her... i cannot imagine being able to hold myself back....

my aunt is a first mother... and i have cousins that are, too... but we never talk. my aunt never talks about her experience... she would talk about mine.. but not hers... the soul is missing in that conversation.. because it is not a conversation of two hearts..... but rather one heart and one mind....

here, with you... it is a conversation of hearts....

soul to soul...

woman to woman....

heart to heart...

julie

[susieloo]

Julie good luck with your adoption class. After I reunited with my daughter I went to an adoption support group to try and help process my emotions...or something. Every time I wanted to talk of my reunion I would burst into tears...couldn't stop, and never got out what I wanted to!!
Your idea of all meeting is wild!!! Just imagine! Alot of money for a girl in NZ tho...we are so far from every where! Perhaps you could all come to New Zealand!!!! lol!

Jackie I havent responded on your other thread for a while...although I have been reading it. I have so much in my head about all that stuff I have found it daunting to even start writing about it. But I am going straight there now to see what has been happening!
Susie

[kakuehl]

Julie,
How did the class go?
For me, music has always been the creative outlet. I'm not a composer, but playing my flute, singing and playing the piano (not well!) allow me to express my emotions, positive and negative. As I write these words I realize how little I have done so lately. I have become so "task" oriented (and truthfully spent so much time in the forums) that have have done little with my music (other than during worship).

I hope everyone has a great weekend.