[Jackiejdajda]

Mrs_Tammy94 wrote..

A social worker made a contact with my bson the day after Christmas. The news wasn't good. Like so many of you bmoms feel. It hurt like hell when he said he doesn't want contact and never will.

I do not think anything is written in stone.. we change.. we all change.
I have read many posts through the years written by adoptees that have said words like the ones you have received and then changed their minds and wanted contact..

Was there a reason why given?

The rejection hurts like no other. I have noticed myself soaking everything I have into my boys and husband to be perfect so they may not ever feel any kind of rejection. I know this isn't healthy but it is a way to cope. My heart will never be full till he can finally forgive me.

I am so sorry..

I did a lot of soul searching on terms of forgiving myself.. Accepting that what happened all those years ago was right..
Was the right thing to do..

Jackie

[SuddenlySusan]

Julie,

I just wanted to express my appreciation for your heartfelt and eloquent posts.

You have articulated for many of us those words that we could not find which define the truth of our experience.

You are so very, very right. We did not give up our children. We gave permission to someone else to parent them.

Your words bring the truth to light.

Thank you,
Susan

[susieloo]

I love it. I gave them to her! Isn't it amazing how such a small change in wording can affect us.
I hadnt realized what I had put out of my mind until I read the social workers report regarding that last journey to sign the papers. We didnt have to stand in front of any judge over here in NZ. How daunting.
I was talking to my mum about it the other day...she remembers and told me how she wanted to rush back to the hospital and get her when she watched me cross the road. "I wished you had mum" I said.
"it was your decision" she said back.
WHAT!!!!!!!!!!My decision sure, after being told how I wouldnt be allowed to bring the baby home, let alone the slamming of words like...no one will ever want to marry you, illegitimate child, solo mum ( I always laugh at the respect solo dad gets). Selective memory I would say mum!!!!!
After 29yrs she still doesnt get it.
susie

[julie23]

it is the truth.... and it is an empowering truth, i think.

how can i beat myself up for relinquishing my parental rights and consenting for people to adopt my baby when that was in her best interest?

it is much easier to beat myself up for giving her away... or abandoning her.... or relinquishing her...

but i didn't do those things....

and some might say, well it's the same thing as giving her away....

but i argue not....

no.... it is not.

susie.. there is probably more than one thread around here.... discussing our precious mothers.... i know mine has astounded me with her comments in this reunion time.... just floored me... like when she said "well, you really knew we would help you."... ???? excuse me? after telling me i would be homeless and no one in the whole family would help me? crazy stuff....

julie

[keds]

sorry to butt in but I agree! It's amazing how my parents version of everything has changed in the last 28 years. Yes, they said I could bring him home but hollow words they were - actions speak louder than words and the relief when I was backed into the corner by bdad. He too would lay this at my door as it is easier to say "it's your fault".

[Juliana13]

Julie - I just wanted to say how beautifully written your original post was (and several others in this thread). What a great thread! Thank you for putting into such eloquent words the thoughts I have been trying to grasp and define. I am an adoptive mother, and I love what you have written, for it is so much how I feel about the birthmothers of my children. They will always call my children their daughter or son, my children will never stop being their children. Even though we have mostly closed adoptions, there is a connection there. My children feel it, I feel it. It is beautiful.

It always bother me to hear someone say "How could they give them up?" or whatever. They DIDN'T give them up. They gave up their rights to parent them, but never gave them up. I'm sure they still think of them and love them every day. That's not abandonment. They gave their children what they felt they needed. And they did it because they loved them. That's not abandonment, that's incredible, deep love. I know every one has different situations, and different reasons for placement, but I love how you worded the actual relinquishment. And I don't think it is just semantics. I think the way things are worded can be very powerful. I think it matters that children who were adopted understand the wording as you wrote it in your original post. I think it matters that women (and men) who relinquished their rights understand that they gave up their rights, not the child. They don't relinquish a child, they relinquish their rights to parent that child, and allow someone else to parent them. I don't know why I am re-writing what you wrote - you wrote it so much better.

Thank you for the post.

[Oceans]

WOW... My Mom said the same thing to me a few years back... "We would have taken him home in a second if only you would have said that was what you wanted...."

Well THAT would have been a nice nugget of information to have 26 years ago...

She has repeated that to me several times over the years - like scratching on a chalkboard. Unfortunately, a few weeks ago, she said it again and I, being under a lot of stress at the time told her to:

"Seek your redemption elsewhere as you aren't going to get it from me"!!!!

I think that did the trick and I will never hear it again but I really feel bad about yelling at her... I could have handled that better...

[cjrogers]

I am hopping over from the Guatemala boards. All I have to say is that I respect all of you so much. My DH was given up for A in 1972. I ALWAYS wonder about his mom, and what she is like, and if she thinks about him and if she ever ponders the past. Just like you all are writing right now.

I could only wish, as simply the WIFE of my adopted DH that his birthmom could CARE so much as to think this way. Because we have not found her, and we both would like too SOOO MUCH. My life would not be what it is today without her. I love her!!!!

I just came across this posting as a simple browse and I realize that I have nothing to contribute to your boards, except to say Thank you for enlightening me so much.

Sending good thoughts, peace and many good thoughts your way....

[keds]

Juliana, beautiful post. I did not "give" my son up. I gave up my rights to be a parent. I carried him with me for 28 years, an ee cummings poem comes to mind, I think it was worse than being the parent that raised him in that I worried about him all the time but never knew if he was alive or dead. At least as a parent to my other 2 children I worried about them but they came home every night so there was a break when they were safe in their beds. Hard to explain.

[Mrs_Tammy94]

"Seek your redemption elsewhere as you aren't going to get it from me"!!!!

I have had this happen to me from my mom too. Although, we never talk about it those kind of comments hurt like hell. She/I do believe it was the best thing to do because my father was a alcholic and our house was always in a up roar. I had a difficult childhood but I have so much fustration because of my mom not doing something about it. She just went along with it. My father on the other hand wouldn't let me bring the baby home. Since, they have divorced and my mom has passed. I can't get rid of the what if's.....because of the pain of rejection. I also haven't had any contact with my father for 11 years now. None of my brothers and sisters do either.

It took me many years to learn to except the adoption. Now with the search and rejection, it has brought up a lot of feelings that I thought I delt with already years prior.

Where does this bring me? I am not sure. I am trying to sort through things and learn to accept things for what they are.

God has a plan for me and he will not give me more than I can handle. So, I pray! Where is this taking me lord.

Thanks for all your insight Julie! I love it!

[julie23]

I am an adoptive mother, and I love what you have written, for it is so much how I feel about the birthmothers of my children. They will always call my children their daughter or son, my children will never stop being their children. Even though we have mostly closed adoptions, there is a connection there. My children feel it, I feel it. It is beautiful.

i was watching lifetime the other day .. and a very young mother decided to allow her newborn to be raised by his grandparents... and as she handed the baby to his adoptive mother, she asked if it would be alright for her to come visit every once in a while... and the adoptive mother replied, "Oh yes! You are his mother and you always will be!"

i think that first mothers continue to have a non-physical presence in their childrens lives.... years after birth... probably forever... and i think i have come to the conclusion that what matters most is how the adoptive parents regard this non-physical presence.... how they treat this entity....

i think adoptive mothers like you, Juliana, who treat the first mother with the deep feelings of compassion and love that you have expressed are the adoptive mothers who will be incredibly successful...

i think your children are blessed.

in my daughters home, my non-physical presence was treated with disregard... was treated as "the enemy"... there were never any feelings of love or compassion expressed about me... none.

the adoptive father told me several "cute" stories from my daughters childhood that utterly appalled me and saddened my heart...

when my daughter was in first or second grade... she did a family unit at school. she drew her adoptive family... and in the corner she drew her birth parents... he told me that she was very proud of this picture... and she came home and put it on the refrigerator... he told me her mother did not like the picture at all... so, she would take it down and put it away.. but my daughter would find it, and put it back up... after a while, my daughter gave up... and the picture stayed down...

this is how my presence was treated in that home...

my daughter was told that any thing about her that they thought was negative was because "she was born that way"...

she was told that i was an alcoholic... and birthfather was a drug addict... and they beat into her head that she should never drink or do drugs....

during her more difficult times, they wondered with her, if i had done drugs during my pregnancy... in spite of the fact their information said "no"... and i was locked up in a Christian home for unwed mothers...

this family treated my non-physical presence like dirt...

and then they blamed genetics as the reason she grew up feeling like dirt... she had no self-esteem... she had no self-confidence... she did not believe she could succeed...

my daughter was in a lot of pain in her childhood... she was institutionalized three times between the ages of 10 and 16.. suicidal tendencies and attempts..... she is a cutter... at least, as of a year ago, she was still cutting... i could go on and on...

and they blamed all this on me...

then they met me... i wonder what they blame it all on now... since my kids are okay...

i have read a alot of books... and i have been obsessive about the forums off and on...

and just like this thread... it matters how we tell the story of our lives... it matters to us and to our children..

it matters how the adoptive family tells this story... do they treat the birthfamily with kindness and compassion... even in closed adoptions, this is possible... it is possible because of the non-physical presence that is always there...

we know that in divorce, we are told not to bad mouth the ex-spouse to the children... we all hear that... but do we really understand why? it's because our child is half that person..... it's like your bad mouthing half of your child...

same is true in adoption... whatever you say about the birthmother, the child is transferring to herself...

it is important that we think hard about the story we tell... the story we tell about ourselves... because it is our sons story... our daughters story....

i believe that even in less than desirable circumstances... we can tell the story gently... with love... with compassion... not to sugar coat... but to demonstrate love.... acceptance....


julie

[julie23]

Juliana, beautiful post. I did not "give" my son up. I gave up my rights to be a parent. I carried him with me for 28 years, an ee cummings poem comes to mind, I think it was worse than being the parent that raised him in that I worried about him all the time but never knew if he was alive or dead. At least as a parent to my other 2 children I worried about them but they came home every night so there was a break when they were safe in their beds. Hard to explain.

i had/have dreams for her... just like we do with the children we raise...

i had dreams for her that were shattered...

but i have new dreams for her.... and it's not something i do consciously.... or choose to do...

it just is.

she is my daughter.... and mothers have dreams for their children... i guess.

julie

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by julie23

...and then they blamed genetics as the reason she grew up feeling like dirt... she had no self-esteem... she had no self-confidence... she did not believe she could succeed...

my daughter was in a lot of pain in her childhood... she was institutionalized three times between the ages of 10 and 16.. suicidal tendencies and attempts..... she is a cutter... at least, as of a year ago, she was still cutting... i could go on and on...

and they blamed all this on me...

then they met me... i wonder what they blame it all on now... since my kids are okay...

Julie, I gasped when I read this part of your story because it parallels mine. My son was also placed into psychiatric hospitals, beginning at the age of 13. He was first locked up for pulling a knife on his adoptive father ~ DS was trying to stop his adad from beating up his amom. He was trying to protect his mother.... It went downhill from there.

I was contacted that year by the adoption agency at the adoptive parents' request. They wanted to know if I had used drugs during my pregnancy. That broke my heart, and then I lost it. I hadn't even taken a single Tums antacid during my pregnancy, much less an aspirin. The only "medicine" I had taken was Stuarts Prenatal Vitamins with Folic Acid. Oh, I was prescribed Bendectin for several weeks during my third month for severe morning sickness. But that was the extent of my drug use.

They wanted to know if there were learning disabilities in my family. DS had been diagnosed ADHD, and the agency told me he had neurological problems. No, my brother and I had both gone through the public school system in the "gifted" program ~ we were straight-A students. The ironic thing was that at the same time they were so convinced my son had "inherited" his learning problems, I was finishing up the last of my premed classes, getting ready to enter medical school.

The real kicker was after they met me five years later and got to know me, they decided DS's problems must have been inherited from his birthfather. The only thing, though, was how to explain that bdad's subsequent children were all "A" students on the honor roll. And when bdad died in an accident the following year, how to explain the most amazing obituary and memorial service I've ever seen. This man, who had run wild in his younger years, was absolutely adored in his suburban community, where he had been a Boy Scout leader for over 12 years. He never once turned a troubled kid away from his door, and single-handedly ran fundraisers for the local high school's marching-band program. I took our son to his memorial service and was astounded that over 600 people were there, including cameras from the local TV stations.

Sometimes, I wonder who they blame now. And sometimes I wonder if they ever realized how much damage was done to me personally by playing the "blame game". If, and I say "if", DS inherited his problems from either of us, we certainly didn't intend for that to happen. I don't think anybody, much less a 16 y/o girl and 20 y/o man, has much control over the genes they pass down. And to automatically insinuate that I had exposed my child in utero to illegal drugs was beyond the pale. I was so emotionally devastated when the accusations began that I left school for the remainder of the semester.

I tried explaining once to his parents that bdad was not responding to their requests for medical history because he felt they were blaming us. They just smiled at me and said, "Oh, we never meant for you to take it personally." Well, it's a little hard not to take it personally when someone is accusing you of damaging your child and placing the blame on you for his adolescent problems. And one more thing while I'm spouting that I've never understood. When DS turned 20, his parents took him out to dinner for his birthday (he was not allowed at their house). Evidently, he told them he wished I'd had an abortion. His mom called me up the next day to tell me this bit of news. When I got upset (and, boy, did I!), she told me not to take it personally. What the....?

[julie23]

sadly, i don't think we are alone, Raven... i'm sure many other mothers share our story....

i have a much loved aunt who is also an adoptive mother... her daughter has made some life choices that my aunt really doesn't agree with.... and this aunt, who knows i relinquished my parental rights to my daughter, once said to me, in regards to her own daughter "She wasn't raised like that, julie. No, way. It's in the blood. It's in the blood."

good grief!

my niece who is really struggling right now, is making some really bad choices... and my sister also blames genetics... the other side of the family, of course...?!!??

why is it that people don't understand that pain oozes out... my niece... my cousin... my own daughter TIDNR*... your son... they were hurting... or are hurting... and it just comes out... without proper support to deal with their grief (my niece lost her father last year and was abandoned by her mother at age 1)... they are just hurting... and it comes out...

Carl Jung once said "If it is not brought to the consciousness, it will come out as fate." I love that quote... it applies to so much... our sons and daughters forced to live as though we didn't exist... forced to live as though there is not a loss when separated from your biological family...

ironically, if that loss is acknowledged.... and proper support is given... the child grows up secure, stable... and emotionally whole... which, of course, was the goal of forcing our children to pretend the loss wasn't there...

i know that if we are ever blessed with a baby boy... i will never allow him or anyone else to "blame genetics" for anything...

yes... we are all born with certain tendencies... certain personalities... but i for one, and NONE of my daughters TIR* will ever be held hostage to our genes... ever... my God is way bigger than my DNA.

julie

[sstuart]

(((((Tammy)))))

I know that you are struggling, but try to hang in there.

Julie23- You write beautifully. I have read your posts several different threads and you are so eloquent in your writing. I really enjoy reading your posts.