[Oceans]

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

I don't think it is fair to the birtmother to placed in a position of TPR so quickly and then staying with the APs.

EZ - Great point and no pressure will be placed on her to sign - quickly or otherwise.

One thing I should say, she will not have the AP's around after birth or for those 3-4 days. This is her time and hers alone. No hovering allowed.

I don't even think I'm allowed after the first day <sniff>

[Rondidondi]

Has there been any research done on baby's relinquished after (let's say) 2 weeks? Is there any chance of harming the child after they have already bonded to one Mom?

My son was with the PAPs for 2 weeks, (I had lots of visits) and then I brought him back home. It tears me to pieces to think I did this to him. I wanted so much to parent from the moment he was born, but thought I had to go through with what I had promised the PAP. Whom I grew to love dearly.
As far as affects on my son, I saw none. It was like he had always been there. Although, the sounds of my home were probably familiar from pregnancy.
I feel he did "worse" at the PAPs because they were giving him colic drops, so I think he did alot of crying for them to think he was colic.
I know my situation is the opposite than what you are refering to, but thought I'd share.
My case worker encouraged me to use a foster home instead of my son going directly to the PAPs. In my state, Wisconsin the period from birth to TPR signing is approximately 10-14s. So,here most babies are in foster homes and then go to the PAPs. (The PAPs and I had done a Legal Risk Placement.)

One thing I should say, she will not have the AP's around after birth or for those 3-4 days. This is her time and hers alone. No hovering allowed.

I think this is GREAT! She needs and deserves this time with her child.

[belleinblue1978]

I have to say that I don't think this is a very good idea.

I also think that she needs to be out of the hospital before she signs the TPR. The hospital is an emotionally charged place and if she has to have a csection she will be on medication that won't allow her brain to be clear, or any other painkillers that she has. Plus post pregnancy hormones are wacko.

If she needs time to decide, the baby can go to a foster home. Is she working with an agency? They should have cradle care homes. And if anyone wants to be uncool with that, I was in foster care for five weeks before I went home to mom and dad and I bonded just fine. I"m eternally grateful that my first mom had that time to think about what she really wanted to do.

When my son was out of the hospital finally, he went home to his adoptive parents who were technically his foster parents until I signed the TPR 5 months later. (Long story)

She needs a place to stay with support and not the AP's and she needs to wait to sign that TPR.

[Oceans]

I am staring at my screen dumbfounded but grateful...

belle - Thanks for the comments. I never considered having a third party keep the baby but mostly because I don’t think she would even consider it. Additionally, we heard a foster home story that scared her early on in the process. I don't think I have the emotional energy to 1) convince her it would be OK and 2) research the system... Probably bad on my part - I would do it if I thought there was a remote chance...

Rondidondi and Belle: Both your stories made me feel better about 2 weeks w/one parent a lifetime with another. Not completely comfortable and obviously not ideal but neither is adoption nor a 16 year old parenting - Nothing ideal about this.

What I hear loud & clear is that there should be no TPR signage at the hospital. Plan C - an alternative place - is in the works and she will KNOW this is an option.

I'm not going to force her to sign in 3 days nor will I discourage her. If asked for advice, I will encourage her to take more time - Thank you for preparing me for that.

If she has a c-sec I am considering INSISTING she take more time. Is that wrong? I thought Belle made a good point about the drugs... I don't want her to have a reason to not heal or take full ownership in her choice.

Good grief this is hard...

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Oceans

You guys are great and I appreciate your help but, I have some questions...

If she shouldn't sign the TPR in 3-4 days, what about the baby? Isn't taking the baby home (or encouraging her to do so) a form of pressure to parent?

I know hundreds of birthmoms, about 20 of them who took their children home with them for a couple of weeks to a couple of months. Not one of them regrets the extra time they spent with their children, yet I know many who regret not having that chance.

If adoption is right, it will be just as right at two weeks as it is at 3 days.

As for the baby? There is research that indicates that any seperation of mom and baby before one week is actually traumatic to both mother and child. The symbiotic relationship of pregnancy does not abruptly end at birth.

[loveccl]

I read a book about 3 yrs ago and it inspired me as a birthmother...

I would suggest though the author did not base this on personal experience or any one person...for you to buy the book and give it to the birthmother...."Girls In Trouble" By Carolyn Leavitte

Though there are many many cases especially these days where the promise of open adoption is kept...there are still a ton of us that went into our experience thinking that we found that couple who would include us tell the end and then...we ended up w/ faceless nightmares of our growing child.

I have come to the conclusion after my experience and yrs on these boards that ANYTHING can happen. Please prepare the birthmother for this fact...!

Things will change...she will become one of us...a "Birthmother" no not a bad thing but still a painful life changing experience.

Personally knowing what I know now...I would advise against her staying with the family...and hope you find and buy that book ASAP.

Loveccl

[MrsHoot]

As a bmom I can say I may have thought this was a good idea but I NEVER could have done it, it would have been way too hard to stay with PAP's.

You've gotten some great advise from the others, the only thing I want to add (just my 2 cents ) is: can you change the order of the presenation to her...so instead of saying this is option C could you say this is option A (neutral location), option B (parent), option C (adoption/stay with PAP's)...just a thought!

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by Oceans

You guys are great and I appreciate your help but, I have some questions...

If she shouldn't sign the TPR in 3-4 days, what about the baby? Isn't taking the baby home (or encouraging her to do so) a form of pressure to parent?

Don't get me wrong, we have a parenting plan - She gets more pressure to parent than anything else. I am just encouraging her to do what she thinks is right for the baby and herself...

Has there been any research done on baby's relinquished after (let's say) 2 weeks? Is there any chance of harming the child after they have already bonded to one Mom?

Not sure I agree with taking baby home just to make sure you are making the right choice. I am of the camp that she will NEVER be 100% sure - there will always be some doubts. That said, it's an option & she knows it.... There are no time limits.

I just never made any plans for her possible indecision <embarrassed>

I surrendered my son in 1971. I never held him because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to let go if I did. I regret that, because things would have worked out if I parented. I just didn't know that then. My son and I have reunited, but I will ALWAYS & FOREVER regret that decision. There is NOTHING that will ever change that.

IMO, this young woman should take HER baby (not THE baby) to a safe place and take her time with signing papers. Not to pap's home, but just to a place where she can be with her baby, for as long as she needs, to make sure she can actually go through with the adoption.

When you ask: Is there any chance of harming the child after they have already bonded to one Mom? I have to say this, Oceans... HER baby is already bonded to HER, the mother. It has already happened. IF there is harm, it will occur whether at 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years. It is not about the TIME, it is about the SEPARATION.

I support adoption... for orphans, and for children in permanent foster care. This child has a mother, and they should be given an opportunity to work things out between the two of THEM.

Peace,
Susan