[keepitfluffy]

Hey birthmoms, hope you don't mind me popping in for some advice. I'm in a letter exchange (early days still) with my birthmom and she's said she finds it really hard to go slow, as she's waited all these years. I don't want to make it worse for her but also don't want to offer something I later have to retract. I want to keep it to a letter exchange for now, as I'm worried that if we call/ f2f/ email too soon I'll feel overwhelmed by it all and need to withdraw, which surely would be even more hurtful to her.

What can I do or say to make it easier for her? Although she is extremely important to me I have my family and my afamily who I need to think about too and I don't want another mom, I guess I need to find a kind and sensitive way of writing her my hopes and expectations. My afamily find this pretty difficult.

She has other family and support but is hanging on every letter right now. I feel under a lot of pressure and am trying to understand it from her point of view too.

[bromanchik]

I would remind her that she has had many more adult years to contemplate the relationship and that you need time to catch up. I would tell her what you said here... that you are afraid of what will happen if things go too fast.

If she cannot accept this there is little you can do to make her change her mond, but at least she will know why you are acting cautiously.

[cls2445]

Yes, tell her what you have written here. Of course, she wants to meet asap. I wanted a f2f right after the inital phone call but I let DD control the pace.
Sometimes we forget how many others are affected by the reunion process, and how overwhelming it all is. Just tell her you need time to absorb and process and what you expect from the relationship. Together, you both need to set some boundries and ground rules first. She WILL understand.

[hunny0404]

Keepitfluffy, it's so very kind and considerate for you to be thinking about how to help your birthmother. She is experiencing so many emotions right now, she probably can't sort them out herself most of the time. It surely isn't your job to fix this for her. It's good that you know yourself so well that you have a sense of what you need to do right now, and the boundaries you set will be helpful and healthier for both of you, and for your new relationship.

I was very conscious of not wanting to overwhelm my son but found it easier to wait during the silences once I understood what he was feeling, what was going on in his life, what he felt comfortable with. Ten months after our first email contact (I wanted to write letters, but he preferred email, so that's what we did), we've figured out what works for us, but it didn't happen overnight. The more information he gave me, the better I was able to keep my contact-compulsion (if not my own emotions!) in check and respect his need to go more slowly that I felt I wanted.

You may not be comfortable sharing a lot of information about your life yet, and the pace of this relationship has to be your choice, but the more you feel okay about sharing, the more secure your birthmother will be and it will help her to stop pressuring you, and she'll find it easier to give you the time and space you need. Again, it isn't your responsibility to take care of her emotions; they are so powerful now, she's likely having enough trouble taking care of them herself. Still, if you tell her what you wrote here, she will appreciate that you are being so careful about trying to have a healthy start to your relationship and thinking about safe-guarding it for the future.

I wanted what was best for my son and didn't want to do anything to hurt him, or make him feel pressured to do what wasn't comfortable for him. Once I understood the boundaries, I honored them. Communication made all the difference.

Chances are your birthmother feels the same and will welcome your honesty and hearing directly from you how she can nurture and protect what the two of you are beginning to create together. Be assured, she will continue to "hang on every letter;" she is undergoing an emotional process that must run its course. But more than anything, she will want to give you what you need from her. If it's time and space, and proceeding slowly, just tell her. Don't be afraid to hurt her feelings; your honest communication is so much more helpful to her now than telling her what you think might be comfortable for her to hear.

I wish you both all the best!
Susanne