[Rylee45]

The daughter I gave up for adoption finally contacted me and we've been chatting online. I'm really scared of her though. She's hurt me so many times and has caused so much trouble in my life that I don't know how to react to her right now.

The trouble wasn't coming into my life. It was what she did when she did come into it. She made it a goal to destroy our family any way she could. From getting people turned against my other kids who were their friends (going and having sex with my youngest daughter's boyfriend etc) and getting my youngest son drunk all the time, lying about things I was supposed to have been doing and a bunch of other stuff.

I don't know why she hated me so much and then wanted me in her life anyway. I just don't get it.

I'm really trying to keep my cool and talk to her when she wants to but I just think about all the stuff she did and how she turned her back on me for her adoptive mom and didn't bat an eye about it.

She took my grandkids with her and left without a word and didn't care how much that hurt me. I want to run and scream and throw fits right now but I can only just write my feelings.

I do love my daughter. I love her with all my heart but she has lost my trust a long time ago.

I have been in contact with her since 1997 and we've had some good times and some bad times but the last time was the worst. Suddenly she's all appoligizing and telling me she wants "her family back" and how sorry she is for what she did to our family.

She tells me that we are her family and that she doesn't really love her adoptive mom and all that stuff. This is stuff she's told me before then runs off and listens to her adoptive mom and doesn't contact me for months maybe years.

I don't know how to deal with this right now and I am getting really depressed and feeling like running away from everyone and everything and saying "forget it!" I've even thought of going out and just getting drunk and drowing my sorrows but I haven't. I think about doing that all the time right now. I hate the way I feel.

I don't know what to do right now. I think I want a relationship with her but yet I'm not sure that I do. I am scared she's going to get my heart again and I'm going to have it crushed again.

I don't want her to hate her adoptive mom in spite of the things she told me that the woman did. I don't know if I believe what she has told me about her mom. She lied so much about things that I was supposed to have done that I didn't do, that I don't know if I can believe her about her adoptive mom.

Am I being overly cautious or overly sensitive or ridiculous? I just don't know what to do right now. I've started having nightmeres all over again and headaches again. They are pretty bad too.

The one thing I keep thinking is if I tell her I don't want to have a relationship with her because of the past dealings with her then I'm abandoning her. I don't want to abandon her but I don't want to hurt anymore either.

I don't know what to do.
Rylee

[quantum]

I don't know what to tell you to do, but I am sorry that you are going through so much pain!
I also don't think that you are being overly cautious or sensitive or ridiculous at all! It sounds like she did some serious damage before, of course there are trust issues.

I guess I would try to think about it first if she wasn't your birth daughter. You wouldn't let a friend get away with this kind of behaviour!
Seek help if you can. If you want to try to have a relationship with her again, don't be afraid to tell her that she needs to earn your trust back. If she truly is sorry for what happened before, I would hope she would understand and respect this.

All the best for you Rylee! I'm so sorry this has to be so hard.

[Jackiejdajda]

The one thing I keep thinking is if I tell her I don't want to have a relationship with her because of the past dealings with her then I'm abandoning her. I don't want to abandon her but I don't want to hurt anymore either.

Below is a quote from Al-Anon..
Its about how to deal with an acting out person..
Alanon stresses..IMO sorting the self in order to put up boundaries..

The reminder from that daily reader is.. “I will remember that knowing my boundaries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my limits and take care of myself by respecting them. The focus, today, is on me.”

You do not have to allow unacceptable behavior.. and if you do you are basically IMO allowing the acting out person free reign in their actions..

Jackie


This from the Al-Anon daily reader.. Courage to Change..

Page 345

Many of us come to Al-Anon confused.. We are so focused on our alcoholic loved ones the we may not be able to see where they leave off and we begin. We’ve lost our sense of what is appropriate. How can we distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable behavior when we don’t even know what we want or need?

My Fourth Step inventory helped me discover who I am, what my values are, the behavior I’d like to keep, and the things I’d like to change. With this in mind, I am working to establish new behavior that reflects my integrity and expresses my true values. Where in the past I have allowed unacceptable behavior, I now can choose a different response. I must consistently do what I say I’m going to do. Today I have the courage and faith to be true to myself, whether or not others like or agree with me. I must remember that announcing my new ways to others is not nearly as important as knowing what my own limits are and acting accordingly.

Today’s reminder

I will remember that knowing my boundaries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my limits and take care of myself by respecting them. The focus, today, is on me.

“He that respects himself is safe from others; he wears a coat of mail that none can pierce.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow..

[lonni]

She can NOT be allowed to hurt your family like that, even if she is an adoptee. We adoptees must work on our own issues, not destroy others instead. Procede slowly with just email for now, is my suggestion. Her reaction is HERS, not yours.

[Rylee45]

Thank you for your thoughts about this. I am just so scared right now.

The thing that bothers me a lot is the fact that she felt that I had abandoned her when she was born. Her adopitve mother told her all the time that I'd given her up because I was raped. (Not true but that's what she was told).

She was also told that she was not wanted and that I'd kept other children. They knew all about me but I didn't know anything about them. I have no idea how they learned anything indentifying about me at all.

She learned that I'd had 3 other children after I'd had her and given her up for adoption and she'd been jealous her whole life of them after she found out about them.

I didn't know she'd been told anything about me. It was disturbing to hear what she'd been told all her life. She told me she believed that I'd abandoned her.

Now if I don't just put up with her and deal with the "stuff" I feel like I would abandon her again in her opinion and she'd hate me forever.

I just have to deal with this and go slow as it's been suggested. I just hope she doesn't do anything else.

I won't give her my new address or phone number so she can't contact me that way yet. I don't know if I want to. I feel bad about feeling that way but that's the way I feel right now.

I guess some things that she's been saying in IM's have made me start thinking I need to back off. I don't know. I sure hope the appologies and that sort of thing are real. I don't trust her right now. I can't.

Rylee

[Jackiejdajda]

Rylee

None of this sounds fair.. And I do not think her anger is something you are responsible for.
Maybe you could tell her that if she wants to be nice to you you are willing to have a relationship..

I think sometimes our guilt rules us.. Guilt that we did not earn.. and maybe guilt that we don't know about but lurks in us..

Jackie

[SuddenlySusan]

Rylee... I hear your fear. Be cautious, go slow, take care of yourself. But, *keep hope alive*.

(((HUGS)))
Susan

[Rylee45]

You're right Jackie, it isn't fair. But I'm trying to deal with this the best I can. I wish I didn't love her so much. That's the part that is hardest for me in this is loving her so much but not wanting to be hurt again. I know that sounds really awful but it's hard to think of this in a logical manner. You know?

Susan, I am doing my best on keeping this slow and cautious. I just hate this whole thing and the way it feels.

The nightmeres are happening again and I'm feeling desperate about everything. The hurt was so deep for what she did and in spite of loving her so much, I don't want to be hurt again. I wish I could just make a decision and stick with it. Either leave her or stick by her.

Rylee

[Jackiejdajda]

I wish I didn't love her so much. That's the part that is hardest for me in this is loving her so much but not wanting to be hurt again. I know that sounds really awful but it's hard to think of this in a logical manner. You know?

In your original letter in this thread you wrote.

The one thing I keep thinking is if I tell her I don't want to have a relationship with her because of the past dealings with her then I'm abandoning her. I don't want to abandon her but I don't want to hurt anymore either.

My mom was an alcoholic and she was very very difficult to deal with.. When I felt guilt around her.. I used to do what she wanted of me.. I used to allow her to run havoc over me and my life.. She would phone and say awful things to me and I would just take it.. She manipulated me with my guilt.. I was enabling her to stay in her bad behavior..

I had to learn to say no to her..
I had to sort why I felt guilt around her.. I had to sort love for myself.. enough love so I was able to find my boundaries.. give myself permission to not allow her carte blanche with my life..

My point..
I realized that her drinking was not my fault.. Life happens to all of us and we do the best we can..

Maybe you are worrying (feeling guilt about) about abandoning your birthdaughter.. If this is what is happening.. realize that you are abandoning her by letting her act out with you.. You are allowing her her bad behavior.. enabling her.. in her actions..

The love that tells her that these actions are unacceptable.. is a very very good and strong love..

I could not can not sort the love I feel for my bson.. It’s a strange love.. It’s a love of what I cannot have.. Its not a day to day love.. a ‘verb’ aka action love.. it’s a mystery love a fantasy love..

I believe with all my heart that sorting reunion issues and or problems is an inside job..
Finding our own strengths.. resolving what happened all those years ago..
Grieving the loss from way back when and then getting strong and dealing with today..

Just today.. not the past and not the future..

All we can do is deal with today..

Jackie

[susieloo]

Hey Rylee.
Although my reunion with my bdaughter has been deemed a "successful" one there has been some real rocky times for me over this 10yr period. I find if I'm feeling low about it all, that spending extra time and energy to make sure I am there in everyway for my subsequent three children is a great emotional saviour.
This serves me and my kids well as I try so hard to not let any of my adoption baggage take time from them.
Just an idea to help you get through some rough patches. I find the benefits fantastic.
Susie

[kakuehl]

I agree with the others that you need to have your boundaries. It's ok to say, I love you and I want you in my life, but I will not let you abuse me (or my other children). Oh and, btw, I don't expect you to choose between me and your amom.

Love is something that expands the more that it is shared. I love all three of my children; frankly, I don't love D more or less because I placed him for adoption. I can (and do) love his children as I love my other grandchildren. I honor my birthson who has chosen to give me a place in his life and I've told him how much I appreciate it. Unfortunately, as you point out, opening ourselves to love does open us to being hurt. The alternative is equally painful... if we cut ourselves off from love we never get to experience the wonderful side of it even we don't get hurt.

My goal is to love unconditionally. As one of my teacher's said however, that doesn't mean you have to open your coat and say "shoot me here." It is the loving thing to NOT let her walk all over you.

[pawsup]

The common thread in each posting to your story has been.....Bounderys.

We each have "personal space" and we let people in our space all the time. But, one must draw a line and tell that person that they have crossed line with unaccecptable behavior and hope they don't cross the line again. But when they continue to cross the line you must make your choice to either continue to let this happen or not. You can not change others, no matter how you try, the only person you can change is yourself.

Keep in mind that if one has never learned self respect, which it sounds like this young lady has not, they will never show respect towards anyone else.

[ldaddy]

I know I am so out of place here. I am an adoptive mother who is considering trying to make contact with a birth mother who asked for no contact, so I am lurking a bit...looking for a sign I guess.

Anyways, I am really inclined to answer this post because someone in my family is like this. You may want to research borderline personality disorder.

Good Luck to you!

[Rylee45]

I really appreciate your comments here. I have done my best to set the bounderies with my daughter. She keeps crossing them though. No matter what I do, she pushes and pushes until I just want to say to heck with her but I don't because I love her.

I just don't know though how much more I can take of her lies and broken promises and shananigans. Sometimes it's more than I want to deal with or even can deal with and she knows it. But I keep trying because I love her. If I didn't love her so much I'd have disapeared like her bdad did right after meetting her 10 years ago. He just one day was gone (like when I got pregnant with her in the first place) and couldnt' be found. That's what I'd do too if I didn't love her so much. However even though I do love her I'm almost ready to call it quits.

laddy, my daughter has bi-polar disorder. Also claims multiple personalities (which I don't believe but who knows?). She was diagosed with Bi-polar when she was 12 years old. She's been on different meds most of her life for it. I don't know what she's taking now but she does have "issues". But it doesn't mean she has to be mean and vindictive. You know?

Rylee

[Rifilanna]

Bi-polar is no exuse for being rude, or mean. Medication may not be all the treatment needed, sometimes therapy might be necessary too. (Not official mental health advice, just experience). I'm sorry this is all so hard for you, her mental health issues are hers. And really bi-polar is no reason to run over boundaries either. I can see how hard it would be to walk away too. Can you limit the ways she communicates, like only e-mail or mail, so that there is a little distance?