[shadow riderer]

Something I find interesting, and in ref to something Susan said about the paperwork having already been filled out:
It looked like my OBC had been previously filled out as well. Everything was typed except for information specific to my actual birth. The date of my birth, my weight, length, time of birth, and sex, was hand written in the appropriate spaces.

There was another section, which made mention of other children living or deceased at time of birth. It noted no previous children being deceased , and I can't remember exactly but there was a section stating , something like children living at time of birth - one. It was confusing, because it made it look like, perhaps, my Bmom had had another child before me. It could have been referencing me as the living child. I am about 99% sure my Bmom had no other children before me. I was her first, but considering she wasn't exactly honest with everyone where my birth was concerned,it makes that particular section a curious thing, and I think I will sho my Baunt my OBC just to see what she says.

[keds]

Hi there, I haven't requested the hospital records but is there a time limit? My son is 27 years old -what are the chances that the records still exist?! I too thought my bson was going to his aparents but I did have to sign a temporary care order so I should have figured that one out. I don't know when they actually were called or if they were prepared. I was told that it was too late to change my mind (as I flip flopped quite a bit) when in fact it wasn't as the final papers (which I did receive a copy) hadn't been signed yet. I think it was common practice to shuffle us out the door without a second thought. I'm not sure how it works today - I hope it's improved.

[austin0i]

Originally Posted by keds

Hi there, I haven't requested the hospital records but is there a time limit?

Keds,

They have those records in the hospital archive. It may take them some time to retrieve them, but they probably have them on microfiche.

They are your records and many mothers in my Adoptese MSN group have reported getting them from the hospital with very little hassle.

When you call, I wouldnt mention the word "adoption". Just ask for your records and they should give them to you.

Kim

[SuddenlySusan]

Just received an email from R's asis... she inquired further and amom said R came to their family at about 4 or 5 days old. Well, I that makes me feel a bit better. Amom and I are emailing, so I think I'll ask her about the events surrounding the time R came to them. I'm glad we are beginning to communicate, and ask each other questions. It's not easy... but gaining information and understanding is, as Martha (Stewart) would say, "A good thing."

Thanks for the encouragement, Kim. I expect a little more red tape, since it's a military hospital, and they're rather proper with the whole chain of command stuff. We shall see....

Peace,
Susan

[Mrs_Tammy94]

Did you contact the adoptive parents first? I know my agency that I use for the adoption 21 years ago has made a contact with the adoptive mom but she wouldn't give out any information on my bson. I have been thinking maybe I should contact her first. What do you think of that idea? I want to do best for him. Sometimes I think he is to young yet but I just got to know.
Tammy

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by kune

Raven
That's sad ... and I could imagine how hard it is to hear his words. Has he been told about the name you called him throughout the pregnancy? How your family all knew you picked a name? The reasons why you didn't physically write your chosen name? Perhaps you can give him a copy of The Girls who Went Away for Christmas and he will be able to see exactly why you felt you had no right.

((Hugs)) and don't beat yourself up for something you did in his best interests.

Ann

Hi, Ann...

Thank you for the kind words. Yes, my son does know his original name. I told him when he was 18 years old during our first face-to-face meeting. And he got all choked up and teary-eyed when he heard it for the first time. In fact, he loves his birth name so much that he wanted to change his first name back to it for several years after we met. (He's never really liked his legally-given name because he was teased for years about it in school.) I'm actually the person who talked him out of changing his name, mainly because I felt it would be disrespectful and hurtful to his a-mom.

Although his first name is not on his OBC, it IS on some of the paperwork at the county adoption agency. When I requested non-identifying information (I signed a Waiver of Confidentiality at the same time) back when he was 11 years old, the adoption supervisor at San Diego County DSS used his original name in her subsequent communications with me. When DS was 18, I showed him the non-ID info I had received, which used his original name on the paperwork. I think that made him feel a little bit better.

When DS was 13 years old, his parents contacted the county adoption agency for more information on his medical and social background. I think they were stunned to find out that both his b-dad and I had signed Waivers of Confidentiality two years previously. (When DS was 11, I had the strangest feeling that his folks were going to request more info when he became a teenager, which is why I went back to the agency!) The post-adoptions caseworker acted as an intermediary for the next five years, allowing exchanges of information, letters, and gifts. The caseworker thought it would be too confusing for her to hear me refer to him as "C" and his a-parents refer to him as "B", so she advised his parents to let me know what his first name was. She told them what I had named him as a baby, but they never told him his original name, even though he asked repeatedly during his teen years.

Ann, thank you for reminding me to not beat myself up for something I did so long ago. There's absolutely nothing I can do about my decision of not putting his name down on the OBC. Back then, I didn't think it would matter. I had absolutely no idea in 1972 that it would ever be possible to reunite with my son, much less that he would be given a copy of his OBC. If I had known what the future was to bring, I most definitely would have legally named him on his OBC.

[kune]

Raven
Sometimes we just need to validate our own thoughts - see if what we are feeling is rational and hear how others have fared so I'm glad my post helped.

On my bsons OBC they had no name. I had filled in the forms calling him Tony Mark ***** and it wasn't until we reunited that he knew he had been named. I also named the father yet they omitted it from the form too. We both signed waivers for the full information and when he received it he finally knew that I was prepared to be honest and open.

I too beat myself up sometimes but as I can't change things, I tend to put them at the back of my "worry cupboard" and hope they resolve themselves.

Love - Ann

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by keds

Raven, I can only imagine how hard it has been for both of you. If only there was some way that you could let him know that it was the "time" but, as you said, it is so hard to explain as the world has changed dramatically. I too remember all the hateful things that were said and done to me (and there are a lot that I have repressed) and I don't speak about it to my bson as it is my burden to bear.

Kate, the strange thing is how I repressed so many of the memories surrounding his birth for many years. I had totally forgotten how the nurses on the maternity ward had treated me, for example. When I was reading The Girls Who Went Away a couple months ago, all the memories came flooding back. Like you, I have never spoken with my son about what I went through emotionally during that time period. He knows it was an incredibly painful decision to surrender him, but that's about it. As you said, it is my burden to bear, not his. Sometimes, though, I wonder if he thinks it was no big deal to me, since I don't ever share the horrible despair I went thru by losing him...

[MrsHoot]

Okay - my head is spinning! I just want to say WTF!!!!! Are you telling me that my beautiful baby girl could have gone to a foster family - even for one minute!?!
Was this common practice in every adoption or just the one that went through an agency? (Mine was a private adoption - no agency, no sw, no one else involved but one lawyer who claims he doesn't remember 'the case') I had always assumed her amom would be at the hospital the same day I left to get her - thinking that this may not have happened and that she was placed with a family I didn't know just makes me sob!

But thank you to who ever suggested going directly to the Hospital...I had thought about this MANY times but always assumed they would tell me "NO!"...but you can bet I'm going to give it a try now!

[SuddenlySusan]

Raven,

I surrendered in 1971, and reunited in Jan 07. After reading "The Girls Who Went Away" I gave my copy to my son. I just wanted him to understand how things were, in general... and mades notes in the margins to things I resonated with in the book, and personalized it that way. I gave it to him at our first F2F in August... he thought it was helpful.

Peace,
Susan

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

I wonder how many of us have any paperwork? I'm still thinking about pursuing my medical records... and, agency records. I probably won't like what I see in those records, either, but at least I will know what "information" was recorded and possibly given to others. More pieces to the puzzle, which sometimes don't fit so well...

Susan, I did receive a copy of the official relinquishment papers when I surrendered my son. I had it for many years ~ it was one of the only things I had showing that he had ever existed ~ but then it got lost when I moved from California to New Mexico. The only other document I had was the copy of some type of permission form allowing the County Department of Social Services to pick up and transport DS from the hospital nursery ~ that was also lost during my move.

I obtained copies of my labor and delivery records, as well as my son's nursery records, eighteen years after his birth. I bypassed the medical-records clerk, asking to speak directly with the department supervisor. She didn't have any problem with sending me those records, although she did tell me I was the first bmom she had ever dealt with.

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

I also just found out that my son did not go to his adoptive home until he was 10 days old (according to his asis). In my 18 y/o mind, I thought amom was waiting in the parking lot of the hospital when the SW took him from the nursery. I felt sick when I read the letter from asis... where did the SW take him? I was so young and "trusting" ... oh, my... I had no idea...

Oh, Susan, I had the same experience! I went thru the County of San Diego DSS when I surrendered my baby. The caseworker explained to me when I was pregnant that as soon as I signed the relinquishment papers, my son would be placed into his adoptive home. Until I signed the papers, however, he would be kept in a temporary foster home. Needless to say, I was horrified that he would spend any time at all in a foster home. So I thought, "the sooner, the better". In California, birth mothers were not allowed to sign the relinquishment papers until they were discharged from the hospital. So within 2 hours of being discharged from the hospital, I went to the agency and signed the papers. And the caseworker assured me that DS would be placed in his new home within several days.

When I reunited with DS 18 years later, I discovered that he was NOT placed into his adoptive home until he was 30 days old, even though I legally surrendered him four days after he was born. He had been in a temporary foster home that whole month! I felt absolutely sick about it when I first found out....

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by Mrs_Tammy94

Did you contact the adoptive parents first? I know my agency that I use for the adoption 21 years ago has made a contact with the adoptive mom but she wouldn't give out any information on my bson. I have been thinking maybe I should contact her first. What do you think of that idea? I want to do best for him. Sometimes I think he is to young yet but I just got to know.
Tammy

My son and I found each other through this website in Jan 07, just before he turned 36. By then, he was married and had three children. He thinks this is the ideal time... I'll go along with that.

How long ago did the agency contact the amom and she would not give out any info?

Do you have non-ID info? Can you search for him?

Perhaps someone can comment on your situation... I seem to have only come up with some questions... but, no advice... sorry...

Peace,
Susan

[SuddenlySusan]

Wow...This afternoon, I received an email from R's amom... she included excerpts from her diary covering the days just before and just after R's birth. He went to the agency where aparents picked him up. So, they were waiting for him... but, not in the hospital parking lot

Wow. I am so appreciative of R's amom, that she would share her diary with me. It was really profound. There's more, but not for this thread. Wow.

Did I say "wow" yet? ... wow...

Susan
...wow...

[Mrs_Tammy94]

I contacted the agency right after his 21st birthday. At that time they said that they had to make a contact with him and see if he was interested in having contact with me. They talked with his adoptive mom briefly but she wouldn't say how to get a hold of him.

Yes I did get non-id info but nothing I can use to search till he okay's it.

It is so fustrating to know that some person is looking at my file with all the information and I can't see it. I will be a good girl and not say all the things that have went through my mind on how to get it. (smiles)

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by shadow riderer

Hi ladies:

I wasn't sure where I should post this, but thought this might be the best spot to get an answer. For those, who haven't seen me on the forum, I am an adoptee, who has been reunited with both Bparetns. I don't really know why, but I wanted my OBC. I guess it was a part of my history I just felt I needed. I received it a few days ago, and was really disappointed when I found what was on it.

There was only my BMom's maiden name in the place where my name should have been. There was nothing in the part about the birth father. My BMom knew who he was and had information at the time of my birth that could have been filled in. The only information on my Bmom was her name and address at the time of my birth. I was born in the 60's. She stayed in a home for unwed mothers.

I'm wondering how much input you, as birthmothers, had in what was put on the birth certificate? I have to say that I was really disappointed that there was nothing about my BDad on the certificate. It was also a very odd feeling to find nothing but my Bmom's last name where a name for me should have been. It kind of made me feel like, geez, I wasn't even important enough to be given a name?

I'm not, emotionally, in a place right now to ask my BMom, so I'm hoping you ladies can give me some insight. Thanks.

I was told not to put the fathers name in. I know one woman who did, but when she got a copy of the orginal bcert 30 years later, his name had been black out.

Most of us did not get a copy of the orginal like most new parents when out children were born. We signed documents but in the 50s/60s/70s, we were not given copies of anything we signed.