[Mokeokuk]

Hi birthmoms, I am an amom. My daughter is 10, soon to be 11 and has asked many times to meet her bmom. Early on, we sent pics and letters and then time just got away. I knew her choice to make an adoption plan for her/my daughter was a "secret" She didn't tell her parents and as far as I know she hasn't told her other daughter (who is 11 months older than my daughter) We recently sent pictures and a letter to my daughter's bmom, with no response. My daughter is a bit confused and still thinking that maybe I didn't send the pics. How do you view this? Should I send a seperate letter to her just from me? Would this be less intimidating? My daughter would REALLY like to meet her bmom and bsister. What would you, as a bmom suggest at thispoint?

[kakuehl]

That's a hard one because every situation is a different one. What information do you have? Are you sending the pics to her home or to an agency or a PO Box? When was the last time you heard from her? The problem that I have found with secrets, is that the longer you keep them, the harder it is to share them. That could be part of the problem.

I don't have any advice, I'm afraid, although I think I would probably send her a letter just from you and tell her what you told us, how much your daughter would like to meet them. It wasn't possible in my closed adoption. but I would have been "over the moon" if D's mom had contacted me!

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Mokeokuk

Hi birthmoms, I am an amom. My daughter is 10, soon to be 11 and has asked many times to meet her bmom. Early on, we sent pics and letters and then time just got away.

Does this mean you quit sending the updates she was promised? If so, she might be leary of contact now. She might be afraid to trust for fear she will be cut off again.

[Mokeokuk]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

Does this mean you quit sending the updates she was promised? If so, she might be leary of contact now. She might be afraid to trust for fear she will be cut off again.

No, with our agency, there was a one year commitment to letters and pics. After that, we were in contact a couple of times. I met with her and her daughter once more while the girls were still small. Several years later, she sent a message to the agency that she would like some up to date pictures and correspondence, which I did. I never heard back again. She did send my daughter a very heartfelt letter and little photo album of her birth sister, father and herself. I keep it available to her whenever she wants to see it. The letter is lovely and she has read it several times, with the most recent reading prompting her to actively seek a meeting. I think now she was old enough to understand more of what the letter said. Now, however, I am not getting a response. Perhaps I will simply write a letter myself, without my daughters input, to see where she stands. (?)

[jrtink]

I have yet to tell my daughter about her sister. I want to so bad, but I keep chickening out.

About 2 weeks ago, we had a talk while driving in the car. I have been seriously dating a loving man for about 3 1/2 years now. My daughter really likes him, but sometimes holds him at arms length. I started to talk to her about him, and I brought up the issue of her father. It went very well. She had a few questions, but not much. Then she started to get upset. The kind of upset where tears were flowing down her face, but no crying. I had to pry out of her what was wrong. When she finally let go, all she said was,

"it just never seems like you are going to get married."

after that I explained that it will happen and I am happy. That changed everything. She is now allowing herself to get alot closer to my boyfriend. She must be scared to get too close.

To make a long story short, I now understand she needed to talk talk about where she came from in order to live. I know I must tell her about her sister. I am planning of telling her tomorrow. I will let you know how it goes.

Thank you guys for everything.

[kclarsh]

Hello there, I am new here and just reading a few posts.
PLEASE PLEASE go for it. At 13 there are kids having babies, so she would definitely be old enough to understand what you went through 14 years ago.
I placed my daughter for adoption almost 11 years ago, and have a son who is almost 2 (their B-days are actually 10 days apart ). I have pictures of his sister in his room, we look at pictures and I say, that is your sissy Kenzie. We had a visit when he was 5 months old, and I hope to have more as they both grow older. Just don't let something and someone (your adoption and first born) that you should have great pride in, be an issue of secrecy. Be open and honest with her because it seems as if you have a good relationship with her. If she is upset by it, angry sad whatever, just in your last post, it seems that she would be open to talking to you about it.
My prayers are with you and be strong and have pride in the decision that you made for BOTH of your daughters --- LIFE!!
Take Care
Christy

[jrtink]

Well, I did it. I told her last Saturday. SO far so good. Let me tell you how it happened.

We decided to go to the movies, the movie was Juno. Juno is about a pregnant teenager who places her baby for adoption. The movie was quite good. We went out to dinner afterwards, and I knew this was the perfect time.

Well I told her. At first she didn't believe me, she was laughing saying no way. But then I explained more and she understood. She was a little upset and was asking why did I keep her? After dinner she went over a friends house. It ended up she told her friends. I had mixed feelings about this. I am still a little embarassed about myself, but I am so glad she isn't and has friends to talk to.

The next day she was a little up and down. She did say how would I feel not knowing you had a sister for 13 years. I showed her the picture of her sister that I recieved at Christmas. She now keeps it in her room.

When we went to bed that night, she woke me and asked if she will ever get to see her. I know this is so hard for her, I breaks my heart, plus 13 is so hard to begin with. Hormones and everything. It just bothers me that I will never understand what she must be feeling.

Well, I know this isn't the end of the dicussion, but now there is no hiding.

[Jackiejdajda]

Okay I am crying.. good crying..

When I read what you wrote.. I thought of my daughter and how she would bring a friend home after school that was adopted and looking for her birthmom..
My daughter ended up making friends with more than a few adoptees and right now her boyfriend was adopted..

I am happy for you.. that the hiding is over..

Jackie

[loveajax]

jrtink, that is great...i am sure it must have been (and still is) soooo hard, but I hope you feel some sense of relief having told your DD. best of luck to you and her!

[Howdy]

Originally Posted by jrtink

Well, I did it. I told her last Saturday. SO far so good. Let me tell you how it happened.

We decided to go to the movies, the movie was Juno. Juno is about a pregnant teenager who places her baby for adoption. The movie was quite good. We went out to dinner afterwards, and I knew this was the perfect time.

That sounds like it was a great preface to the talk.

I read a book that said that we all go through an identity formation period in our early teens (write a story in our heads that 'this is who I am') and so it is important to give children all the information we have before they reach puberty, because they can easily assimilate it during that identity formation period. But if we find out significant information about ourselves later in life it is a psychological shock and takes more effort to rewrite our 'this is who I am' mental story when we are beyond the natural time for it.

So if you didn't tell her about why her dad left, you might want to get her that info right away too, because her reaction to the info about her sister sounds like she had already had her 'first draft' of her 'this is who I am' story written.

[kakuehl]

I'm glad "the deed is done". Her telling friends made me wonder how many of her friends my daughter told when she first found out. (Her brother immediately told her after I told him.)

While I know this is still difficult, I think ultimately that it is no longer a secret will be a positive in your relationship. When I found and contacted D (he was 32 and J was 29 and S was 27) our meeting took place as a family. The siblings have been building their own relationships since then.