[SilverWitch]

Well, I finally had enough. The games, the ups, the downs, and the bologna. I had to say goodbye.

For five years we have - let's restate that - I have been attempting to create some kind of relationship. She wants it, she craves it and she torpedos it every time we get to the point where we have to either meet or forget it.

I can't do it anymore. So, today, after another one of her little games, I wrote saying goodbye. That I would be here when and if she ever wanted a real relationship, not just some picture she could show her friends and say "this is my mom". She is not a teenager or a baby, she is almost 30, getting ready to divorce the second husband, marry a third and she will not even try to have a real conversation with me. She talks about things like how much in love she is, but when I ask her what would she think about this or that thing for her kids for christmas or would she want to meet when I am actually in state in the spring, she ignores it.

Then when I confront her with this, she says rude things and makes assumptions about why I am asking.

I am done. I will be sad forever that it would not work. But I know that no relationship can occur if both parties are not into it.

[SuddenlySusan]

SilverWitch... I am so very, very sad for you. Writing your goodbye letter must have been incredibly hard. At least she knows you are there, and what it will take for the two of you to have a real relationship. Perhaps one day she will be ready. We love you and support you...

(((HUGS)))
Susan

[Found at last]

I'm sorry that your reunion has been so hard on you. I hope you find peace now.

A fellow firstmom,
Found

[SilverWitch]

I made it through the first day. I will live. I had to protect myself and this was the only way I knew how.

[txrnr]

I am so sorry. Hopefully, she'll mature a bit, and realize that it takes 2 to have a relationship.

[keds]

Silverwitch, I am so sorr for you but, at the same time, I am so PROUD of you. I'm not sure that I would have the same strength. You have put it out there for her to decide, as hard as that was for you, and I sincerely hope and pray that she realizes what a loss it would be for her not to have you around. Hang in there, I think she just may come around. (((HUGS)))

[Jackiejdajda]

SilverWitch..

You got the rest of your life to sort this..
That is what I keep telling myself..

That is my mantra..

Five years from now it may be better.. who knows..John Bradshaw says.. keep connected in a distant way.. magazine subscription etc.. I send gifts via internet book stores..

I take care of me..

All we can do..

Jackie

[SilverWitch]

Well, as I stated before, I backed off and asked for space until she was ready to have a real relationship - WOW - the afterwards was bizarre to say the least.

She threw a terrible tantrum . I tried to calm the situation and discuss it with her and all that came out of it was that she hated me, had always hated me and that I was garbage. She threatened me and was amazingly horrid. Called me a loonatic - that was the one that can be repeated in any company.

Well, I am a curious person and I wanted to know where this kind of ugliness came from so I did some snooping - for which I am eternally glad that I did. She has done nothing but lie. She lied about her childhood, she lied about her parents, she lied about her exhusbands - soon to be two in number. She lied about just about anything and everything.

She walked away from her sons so she could have a good time, party and escape being an adult. Then claimed it was for love. When I offered to help her get them back, I am a paralegal and know every decent attorney in her area, she not only cut me off until after she had gone to court and ended up with supervised visitation ony, she lied about it also. Claiming she had them every other weekend, etc. - huge lies!

She had affairs with other men when her husband - the second one was shipped out for training, and then to Korea. She found one that is willing to let her tell him what to do and who will buy anything she wants, so she is now divorcing number two and planning the wedding to number three. Her so called friends believe that when she finds that his family will not help her get back her boys and when they wont give back his son becuase of her, that will end also - messily and with a lot of negative emotion.

I love her, but I do believe that for me, I will never again attempt any kind of relationship with her. And, by way of apology to birthparents who wish no contact, I finally understand why some do not wish any contact and often run from it.

[keds]

Silverwitch, your decision is the right one, IMO. I can't see any reason why you would want to continue to pursue a relationship with someone that isn't honest and is acting in such a way. Jackie is right - stay connected in a distant way, if at all. I often wondered why anyone wouldn't want to be a part of their bmom/bchild's life, but in your case, I get it. Still it must be hard.

(((hugs)))

[Jackiejdajda]

My daughter has been making me nuts in the last couple of days.. and I raised her..

Its so hard being a parent.. and hard being a birthparent.. I swear we need to take care of ourselves.. and show them how to act and be and become..

Show by example..

Keds.. I knew a woman that did not want contact.. she had not told her husband..
Corresponding with her was an education..

SilverWitch.. I hope you don't blame yourself for this.

Jackie

[SilverWitch]

Jackie,

Absolutely not! I would not blame myself for something that is not in my control. Not anymore. I used to do that, then discovered that I was blaming myself for things that others did and that it was a huge bummer!

For me, showing her is not enough. I was her parent for three years and I know she remembers me because she has not only related memories, but some of the things she has mentioned could only be memories. In one of her rare moments of total honesty she admitted that the only time she has ever felt content was when I would talk to her. My voice calmed and soothed her. That would explain why she refuses to call me...after all how can you hate someone that makes you love yourself?

No, for me - it is done. For her, unfortunately, she is still going to my myspace page (I have a tracker because of this other guy trying to get me to date him and spamming me when I wouldn't) on a regular basis. She can't see my profile or actual page, but she can see I am still there.

It is sad, but I am not about to put my heart out there for a fourth time for her to crush to jelly and then laugh at. Nope, not again. She destroyed my trust and belief that the good I instilled in her while young would still be there somewhere....I am not stupid enough to try again.

[Jackiejdajda]

Absolutely not! I would not blame myself for something that is not in my control. Not anymore. I used to do that, then discovered that I was blaming myself for things that others did and that it was a huge bummer!

I just posted a post to an adoptee telling her that reunion is about one on one.. no one else adding their ‘stuff’..

No one else that is able to sway us.. who we are emotionally vulnerable with..
And then we do blame ourselves.. don’t we..
We blame because we sometimes do not see the added input.. or we are lost to it.. because of our own inability to cope.. or whatever..

For me, showing her is not enough. I was her parent for three years and I know she remembers me because she has not only related memories, but some of the things she has mentioned could only be memories. In one of her rare moments of total honesty she admitted that the only time she has ever felt content was when I would talk to her. My voice calmed and soothed her. That would explain why she refuses to call me...after all how can you hate someone that makes you love yourself?

Its all so complicated.. This life we are in.
The why of it.. I spent some time reading your old posts.. SilverWitch.. and I see some real hard stuff has gone down in your life.
And now more is being heaped on.. And you are correct we can not blame ourselves for it.. the guilt just takes us into a place of giving in.. and becoming.. the one that placates..

It is sad, but I am not about to put my heart out there for a fourth time for her to crush to jelly and then laugh at. Nope, not again. She destroyed my trust and belief that the good I instilled in her while young would still be there somewhere....I am not stupid enough to try again.

We get to take care of ourselves.. I know that for sure..
Susan and I are discussing me peeling some layers of the onion in an ‘about books’ thread I started..
I do not want pity.. I do not want anyone to give me an emotion that I hate..
But Susan says.. its about understanding.. them understanding..

Layers and layers..

I am going to do some needlepoint and listen to my story.. (books on tape).. about a woman that can do magic..

Ha

Jackie

[SilverWitch]

When I first put this thread in, I truly believed what I wrote. In a way, I still do. But I am wondering now if I was truly being honest with myself.

First, our relationship has been exactly the way I discribed it. But when I think on it, was it that way because I wanted too much?

She told me she is afraid of me. Ok, I kind of laughed it off, but the truth is I am terrified of her. Not because she is a bad person or something, but because of the depth of my feelings regarding her. If she is angry, my heart is in my mouth, if I get angry at her, I panick, feeling like I am doing something wrong.

Could it simply be that I ran away cause I am scared and blamed her because it was easier than admitting I am afraid?

I don't know.......I just know that I am sad and can't fix this one.

[wilted rose]

Originally Posted by SilverWitch

Well, I finally had enough. The games, the ups, the downs, and the bologna. I had to say goodbye.

For five years we have - let's restate that - I have been attempting to create some kind of relationship. She wants it, she craves it and she torpedos it every time we get to the point where we have to either meet or forget it.

I can't do it anymore. So, today, after another one of her little games, I wrote saying goodbye. That I would be here when and if she ever wanted a real relationship, not just some picture she could show her friends and say "this is my mom". She is not a teenager or a baby, she is almost 30, getting ready to divorce the second husband, marry a third and she will not even try to have a real conversation with me. She talks about things like how much in love she is, but when I ask her what would she think about this or that thing for her kids for christmas or would she want to meet when I am actually in state in the spring, she ignores it.

Then when I confront her with this, she says rude things and makes assumptions about why I am asking.

I am done. I will be sad forever that it would not work. But I know that no relationship can occur if both parties are not into it.

I expect your bdaughter is not at the same emotional place, you're in; whatever issues she is having, it appears she isn't ready or perhaps dosen't know how to respond. I'm a reunited adoptee in what I deem a successful reunion. I'm the youngest of nine bchildren. There have been many times in my life far before reunion where I unknowingly avoided certain areas of my life. It wasn't until much later, I'm forty two now, I began to make connections... Pain often equals avoidance...
Just my thoughts,
Rose

[austin0i]

Silver,

When she told you she is afraid of you, what do you think she meant by that?

Kim

Originally Posted by SilverWitch

When I first put this thread in, I truly believed what I wrote. In a way, I still do. But I am wondering now if I was truly being honest with myself.

First, our relationship has been exactly the way I discribed it. But when I think on it, was it that way because I wanted too much?

She told me she is afraid of me. Ok, I kind of laughed it off, but the truth is I am terrified of her. Not because she is a bad person or something, but because of the depth of my feelings regarding her. If she is angry, my heart is in my mouth, if I get angry at her, I panick, feeling like I am doing something wrong.

Could it simply be that I ran away cause I am scared and blamed her because it was easier than admitting I am afraid?

I don't know.......I just know that I am sad and can't fix this one.