[Nebula_Rain]

"Just a woman trying to be worthy of the name Mother."



I came across this signature while researching thoughts and opinions here.

The word worthy strikes a cord of real feeling for birth mothers & great understanding for adoptees who are unwilling to offer up this title to their newly found relations .......

About a year ago, having no idea that I would be hearing from my own birth mother in the near future, I spent quite a bit of energy on the language of family. I am a linguist, and this research was sparked initially by the struggles that same-sex couples seem to face upon becoming parents .. which one is 'the mother' .. which one is 'the father' ... what does one call their parents when both are men or both are women ......... ?

At the time my thought developed along these lines ...

A male sibling is called a brother.
A female sibling a sister.
The male sibling of a parent an uncle.
The female sibling of a parent an aunt.
Etc., etc.


Why then is it not a simple fact that a female parent be called a mother and a male parent be called a father?

The obvious answer is that on every traditional level the majority of humans identify with only one female parent and one male parent.

If I say to you, "How's your brother doing?" It's very possible that you would reply, "Which brother, John or David?"

If I say, "How's your Granddad?" You might answer, "My mother's father or my dad's?"

But if I say, "How's your mom?" nearly 1000% of the time you will know exactly to whom I'm referencing.

____________
____________


Fast forward to this year when the phone rang and on the other end was the voice of my birth mother.

As the conversations have unfolded I can tell you how rapidly clear it became that the issue of language within this experience is not at all as simplistic as her being a 'female parent.' It comes chalk full of sensitive & uneasy scenarios .. based on the intense singular and hard-earned status that comes with the title of Mother & Father.

An example ::

She called one day and we talked for a few hours. At the end of the conversation she let me know that she had a lot on her plate the following week but would call me soon. A month and a half later the phone rang.
Upon expressing my disappointment over the amount of time that had passed she responded by saying, "I'm your mother, you have to trust me." Wow. Insert sound of a record scratching to a halt ......

Knee jerk reaction - 'She's not my mother. I don't trust her. I've never even met her. And could she really be so naive?'

Enter the millenia of emotional attatchment surrounding the title of Mother & Father ....

Fortunately this is 2007. The expanding format of the nuclear family will hopefully dictate a broadening spectrum in our language.

Perhaps it will become as simple as 'mother = any female parent in one's life,' just as 'sister = any female sibling.'

Or perhaps new words will be created to accomodate new dynamics.

New words for ::

Adopted Mother/Father
Surrogate Mother/Father
Male/Female parents in same-sex scenario
Egg Mother/ Sperm Father

Or even new words for half-siblings and step-families that might emphasize more of what a person is rather than what he or she is not ...

Either way, until there is a transition in thought or language, there can only be compassion for both points of view.

Neb

[SchmennaLeigh]

Fortunately this is 2007. The expanding format of the nuclear family will hopefully dictate a broadening spectrum in our language.

Perhaps it will become as simple as 'mother = any female parent in one's life,' just as 'sister = any female sibling.'

Goodness, while I'd love to see this, I think our society has a lot of work to do in this area.

[thanksgivingmom]

Not to make this the topic of discussion, but the signature referenced is one of a GREAT amom who is very caring and understanding and is an awesome sounding board for birthparents. You know who you are, and thank you!

I have to agree with Jenna that as a society we are far from being equipped with this language. I think in specific families we are making these strides, but on a larger scale I fear we are far from it...

[Boulderbabe]

Okay, you're a linguist. I'm an anthropologist. I know I can talk geeky with you. :-)

I think part of the issue has to do with the traditional "braid" of roles that are bundled up in the term "mother." Every mother who gives birth to her child and raises him or her has four intertwined elements of parenting intact: biological, psychological, social and legal. She is genetically connected to the child, the child believes her to be his/her mother and responds to her as mother, other people see her socially as the child's mother, and she's legally endowed with parental rights.

In the 20th century, we've begun to "unbraid" those aspects of parenthood, and assign them to different people. So one person is the biological parent, one the psychological parent, one the legal parent. And by the time you pick all that apart, who the heck is the social parent? None of us know WHO to recognize socially as "mother," for goodness' sake---that is why we have the unending battles about who is the "real" mom. The social rules for recognizing who is mother are unclear once the bundle of aspects of mothering is undone.

Maybe it would make sense to give special names to all the different kinds of parents. But can you imagine the reception line at the wedding? "Hi, I'm Sara, and this is my egg donor, Carol, my gestational mom, Blythe, my adoptive mom, Jean, my first stepmother, Donna, and my current stepmother, Nancy." I dunno, but I think it just gives more personal information than anybody really needs at first introduction!

The only alternative that I can think of is to just say "mother," and work out the details in our own minds. I know I very often talk about my son's mother---which totally flips people out sometimes. "Aren't you his mother?" "Yeah, but so is she!" I guess anybody who knows us well enough to merit an explanation already knows the story.

[Nebula_Rain]

Thanks for your insights & sensitivities. And great to hear from the anthropologist ;^)

From my own experience, I grew up aware & appreciative of the fact that unlike those who had 'step-brothers' or 'half-sisters,' I was never referred to as my parent's 'adopted-daughter' or my sibling's 'adopted-sister' ... there is real comfort in a life without the disclaimers.

At the moment, I am, actually, contemplating a name that I might call my birth mother so that she would feel special .. and perhaps I will need to meet her in person before that can happen. I'm looking forward to that so much.

Would it be unrealistic for me to ever refer to her as mom? In my eyes, yes. My mom is my mom is my mom. And in my defense, for whatever reason that I would need to explain this feeling, the fact that my birth family decidedly gave me up means that on a very real level they were asking me to become the daughter of someone else ... I did and I am.


“ None of us know WHO to recognize socially as "mother," for goodness' sake ---“

Some of us, maybe. But not all and definitely not ‘none’.


”But can you imagine the reception line at the wedding?”

Yes, I can :-)

Let’s try it, off the top of my head, for example ::

Oma = Egg Mother
Buma = Birth Mother
Fife = Father’s wife

"Hi, I'm Sara, and this is my oma, Carol, my buma, Blythe, my mom, Jean, my fife, Donna, and my new fife, Nancy."

As for the personal sharing of too many details, if the person is that much of a stranger than you can leave all the dangling modifiers off and say, “This is Jean.”


The English language is one of the most extensive, though in comparison to others, it uses the fewest words to say the most. Language is organic, a tool to use as we see fit. Developing new vocabulary is a real option.

So far, as I've said I'm new at this, I think the real healing for birth parents and adoptees will come more from the efforts we make for each other than from the facts of our situations.

peace,

Neb

[Jackiejdajda]

Developing new vocabulary is a real option.

Some history on the word/term 'birthmother'.

'Beggars and Choosers'.. written by Rickie Solinger.

Page 104

Following the conventions of new identity/political action groups in the 1970’s, this group determined that the language it chose for itself was crucial, both personally and politically. (One women, struggling by herself in the Midwest in this era, also recognized the importance of language: “Some folks were buying that we weren’t mothers; I knew perfectly well that I was a mother. Our society [said] you were an unwed mother until you signed those papers and then you weren't a mother at all. Some of us were saying, okay, I’ll try not to be a mother at all. Others were saying, are you nuts? Of course I’m a mother. But still there was no recognition. We had to find some way of saying what this was: okay we surrendered……. But we ARE mothers.”) (<Carole Anderson, interview with author, Grand Island, Nebr., March 1-3, 1997.)

According to Lee, (Lee Campbell) in the summer of 1976 “we agreed on ‘birthparent’ and ‘birthparenthood’. We didn’t want to upset adoptive parents with ‘natural’. And ‘biological’ now made us gag. ‘Biological,’ we felt, was descriptive of a mechanical incubator or unfeeling baby machine. ‘Birth’ was key. With ‘birthparents’ as one word….. we were like other one-word progenitors, like grandparents” As for the adoption experience, the women decided to call that a “surrender” rather than to use a term such as “given up” or “placed.” “To us,” Lee wrote, “surrender fit the experience. We had been involved in a social war to which we had surrendered without options and without compensation for our loss.”

Newly named, Concerned United Birthparents began to craft its mission and set its agenda..


Jackie

[Nebula_Rain]

Thank you for the input, Jackie. This is helpful information. And while very interesting, were I a birth mother in search of being called 'mom,' this type of consolation prize would yield little solace ...

Birth Mother
Egg Mother
Surrogate Mother
Adoptive Mother
Step Mother
Foster Mother

All ways of saying in effect 'Mother but not quite'.



The debate is clearly real . . . though, from what I've experienced so far, so much of a birthmother's desire to be called 'mom' is based on just that - desire.

If a birthmother wants to reconnect then it follows that she may very much want to be called mother or mom.

If she does not want that reconnection, if she is perfectly content with her past decision to relinquish her child, then she, like many adoptees, will take the perspective that, in fact, I am no longer your mother, nor do I wish to be referred to as such.

Thus 'being' a mother becomes a very subjective experience .....

An egg is an egg whether it wants to be an egg or not.

The same for a chicken or a house.

If a singular, non-modifying noun is created for a woman who 'gives birth and gives that child up for adoption' we then have new ground to stand on.

Here’s the thing, whether we like it or not, hairs are split over this subject.

There’s the act of giving birth that constitutes ‘mother’ and there’s the act of raising a child that does the same. However, I imagine that if we asked women (parents & children) to define the emotional status of motherhood in terms of '9 months of pregnancy & delivery' vs. 'mother' in terms of 'raising an infant to adulthood' the scales would heavily balance in favor of the latter ...... one need only bring the Surrogate-Mother into play to provide additional perspective.

[quantum]

This thread is really quite interesting to me. As an American living in Sweden, I struggle with language on a daily basis.
I don't know the proper language to use in Swedish for birthparents etc...someone suggested one of the terms is 'extramamma' which I don't like for anyone!

I guess one thing that is interesting here is that they do differentiate relationships in names for example your maternal grandmother is 'mormor' and your faternal grandmother is 'farmor' and so on. They even have a special name for someone that you are in a long term relationship with and live with, but are not married to (sambo). I guess for the most part though people are referred to by first names. Even doctors introduce themselves by their first names! Different.

I don't really have a point I guess! Just wanted to throw some things in there...

[Jackiejdajda]

The debate is clearly real . . . though, from what I've experienced so far, so much of a birthmother's desire to be called 'mom' is based on just that - desire.

I do not desire to be called ‘mom’.. I am not his mother..
He has a mother.. and I honor the woman..

I do not want to take anything from her..

I gave him up.. I know I can not be his ‘mother’..

To call myself his mother IMO sets me up for heartache.. Sets me up for impossible things.. and issues.

But then I know a woman that has taken her bson in.. and he lives with herself and her husband.. and he is her son..

I do not think we can pin this down.. and I do not think there is a right or wrong..

Great thread.. very interesting..

Jackie

[Nebula_Rain]

It's a great point, Quantum. Words often exist in one language and not another. For example, in Czech there is no word for 'empathy' .. pretty amazing. Does it mean that they don't experience the concept or that it isn't prominent enough within the Czechoslovakian psyche to have named it?

"They even have a special name for someone that you are in a long term relationship with and live with, but are not married to (sambo)"

Great example of a dynamic cultural shift becoming a norm and language following suit.

By qualifying the word 'mother,' rather than creating new language for the evolution of parenting, we set up an environment for one to feel 'less than.'

_______________
_______________


" .. and I do not think there is a right or wrong.."

I totally agree, Jackie.

In fact in this arena I'm thinking everyone is actually right. Right with their own experinece. Right with their own feeling.

The challenge, as I've read so many to have already said, becomes negotiating a balance between the points of view.

How do we get our needs met? Especially when so much of the emotions swirling through the air are left over from many years of life, impression, love & grief, expectation and very often the unknown ........


Best.

[Nebula_Rain]

A wonderful pieces of writing that speaks to how very little right and wrong matters .................


Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things ........

[Jackiejdajda]

I can not go back.. I can not change a thing..
It is what it is.. and I think early reunion is the time of learning.. the expectations are beyond difficult.

The poem is wise.. Its where I want to be.
Its what I want to learn..


Jackie

[Blessed2x.]

This is a very interesting discussion! I wonder what birthmothers prefer? Perhaps more birthmothers would like to share.

I have not met my birthmother yet. I have wondered how to refer to her and what she would like to be called. My adoptive mother will always be my mom but yet I do feel like I have two mothers - just in different ways. I know how much I already loved my own children when I was just barely pregnant with them - I felt like their mother and would always feel like their mother no matter where they were or if I never got to see them. My own mothering experience gives me a good perspective on the different ways we are a "mother" to our children and the love involved.

[shouav]

This discussion was amazing, and I thought I would just like to ask a question of the adoptees on the discussion. My son doesnt want me to call myself 'his first/birth mother', how does that sit with you guys. I was very very hurt, because even though I know that he has a 'mother', I have never considered myself anything else, and had searched for him for ten long years, after I was told that I could in fact search, always having believed that I was not allowed to search! It got to a point when I was being told I was obssessed, yes I guess I was, so I told myself to stop, and wait, I did, and yes he found me, we are a year into reunion, and that was his answer to my reunion 'hug', I know, he is hurt has been hurt by my having to relingish him, but he knows jolly well I was forced into it, I was a child when I had him, anyway want to ask you guys what you think! Thanks for listening shouav

[austin0i]

Hi Shouav,

I am an adult adoptee in reunion and I call my birth mother, mom.

I have two mothers. All adopted children do.

I believe it depends on how far along the adoptee has explored his or her own adoption and what it all means. We are different children and with that difference comes a need exploration of this reality, understanding and ultimately peace.

I have done a lot of work, reading, therapy and exploring of my reality. With that emotional work comes understanding.

For me I have two mothers. One parented me and the other gave me life. They are both my mothers and I love them both.

I am not sure how your son deals with being adopted. I can tell you the adoptive parents have a huge influence on how the child thinks about and deals with his or her birth parents. Maybe there are issues there for your son. Be patient with him. He is probably dealing with things you do not know about.

Kim

Originally Posted by shouav

This discussion was amazing, and I thought I would just like to ask a question of the adoptees on the discussion. My son doesnt want me to call myself 'his first/birth mother', how does that sit with you guys. I was very very hurt, because even though I know that he has a 'mother', I have never considered myself anything