[Rylee45]

Keds, that's good.

Does your son look like you? If so, then no one probably wonders because it might be obvious that you're his mother or sister You know?

Rylee

[kakuehl]

Keds, I'm just trying to imagine what it would be like to actually have a meal alone with D. That's something that's not going to happen given his family life and work schedule. (I'm not complaining, btw, D needs to be there for his family... I guess I'm a bit envious of you though!)

Have any of you ever questioned why we always feel like we have explain, instead of simply ontroduce someone. We can't just say, "Hi, this is ______ ." We have to provide the relationship: "this is my best friend, son, lover..."

[shouav]

Originally Posted by Scarlet Moon 13

I have heard any number of mothers say they would give up their own life for their child, but did you notice, your baby was given away like it was a puppy. Your child, the grandchild, was in the way. Yes, I know, it is a bitter type of comment. But that is how I felt when my mother forced me to give up my baby at 15.
So I understand how you feel.

I will always be the mother who gave birth to him, I am the mother who should have been and wasn't.

Hugs

That is exactly what I think, wow its so amazing to see in black and white my own thoughts. Thank you so much. Shouav

[wilted rose]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Have any of you ever questioned why we always feel like we have explain, instead of simply ontroduce someone. We can't just say, "Hi, this is ______ ." We have to provide the relationship: "this is my best friend, son, lover..."

Perhaps, we wrestle with this issue out of the need to 'acknowledge', or be 'acknowledged'. I think for all sides of the triad, there is a thirst for acknowledgement. Mind you, attempting to project what the other significant party might prefer so as to acknowledge can prove to be quite a paradox...
Rose

[FallenChild]

HMMM ... am I guessing? A guesser, or someone who without knowledge but knows is a quasi-guesser (excuse the term ), but my guess is that neither the anthropologist or linguist ever gave birth to a child they were permitted to interact with after birth??? HMMMM, you tell me....Fallen Child.

[Nebula_Rain]

The Linguist has both given up a child and is raising 2. As to the status of the Anthropologist, either way, all anthropological opinions are welcome here . . .




Neb

[FallenChild]

were you permitted to interact with the child you gave birth to before surrender? FC

[kakuehl]

I personally created panic in the ranks (can you hear the unholy glee in my voice) because I refused to sign the final papers without seeing D again. It was the only time I got to hold/feed him.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Nebula_Rain

"Just a woman trying to be worthy of the name Mother."



I came across this signature while researching thoughts and opinions here.

The word worthy strikes a cord of real feeling for birth mothers & great understanding for adoptees who are unwilling to offer up this title to their newly found relations .......

About a year ago, having no idea that I would be hearing from my own birth mother in the near future, I spent quite a bit of energy on the language of family. I am a linguist, and this research was sparked initially by the struggles that same-sex couples seem to face upon becoming parents .. which one is 'the mother' .. which one is 'the father' ... what does one call their parents when both are men or both are women ......... ?

At the time my thought developed along these lines ...

A male sibling is called a brother.
A female sibling a sister.
The male sibling of a parent an uncle.
The female sibling of a parent an aunt.
Etc., etc.


Why then is it not a simple fact that a female parent be called a mother and a male parent be called a father?

The obvious answer is that on every traditional level the majority of humans identify with only one female parent and one male parent.

If I say to you, "How's your brother doing?" It's very possible that you would reply, "Which brother, John or David?"

If I say, "How's your Granddad?" You might answer, "My mother's father or my dad's?"

But if I say, "How's your mom?" nearly 1000% of the time you will know exactly to whom I'm referencing.

____________
____________


Fast forward to this year when the phone rang and on the other end was the voice of my birth mother.

As the conversations have unfolded I can tell you how rapidly clear it became that the issue of language within this experience is not at all as simplistic as her being a 'female parent.' It comes chalk full of sensitive & uneasy scenarios .. based on the intense singular and hard-earned status that comes with the title of Mother & Father.

An example ::

She called one day and we talked for a few hours. At the end of the conversation she let me know that she had a lot on her plate the following week but would call me soon. A month and a half later the phone rang.
Upon expressing my disappointment over the amount of time that had passed she responded by saying, "I'm your mother, you have to trust me

." Wow. Insert sound of a record scratching to a halt ......

Knee jerk reaction - 'She's not my mother. I don't trust her. I've never even met her. And could she really be so naive?'

I subscribe to this thread, but it has been awhile.
You asked if she could be this naive? well yes, We, birthmothers, in a sense, know who you are, NOT who you have grown up to be. But we gave birth to you, she knew about you. We, some of us, love you still, we never stopped loving the baby that grew in us, the baby we wanted and couldn't keep.

I said to my son in our first conversation, "I love you" he hesitated, I told him, "I don't expect you to say it, I have have always loved you, I never stopped. He laughed nervously. But 4 days later, He told me he loved me.

Since for some of us the pregnancy and birth are frozen in time. All the emotion attached to it, love, fear, lose are the same as the day they happened. Often not looked at to closely over the years. But that young part of us, at least for me, the 16 year old part of me. Hoped that my child might love me too. But did not dare hope too much in case it didn't happen.

Enter the millenia of emotional attatchment surrounding the title of Mother & Father ....

Fortunately this is 2007. The expanding format of the nuclear family will hopefully dictate a broadening spectrum in our language.

Perhaps it will become as simple as 'mother = any female parent in one's life,' just as 'sister = any female sibling.'

Or perhaps new words will be created to accomodate new dynamics.

New words for ::

Adopted Mother/Father
Surrogate Mother/Father
Male/Female parents in same-sex scenario
Egg Mother/ Sperm Father

Or even new words for half-siblings and step-families that might emphasize more of what a person is rather than what he or she is not ...

Either way, until there is a transition in thought or language, there can only be compassion for both points of view.

Neb

Excellent Neb

[Scarlet Moon 13]

LOL there is the some, a few, many, a number, but never all, never most.

I am in a email group of about 50 bmoms, so among those ladies there are some, even many, but never all.

I am a belly dancer of over 30 years. During my search I found 3 other birth mothers whom I had actually known for years and didn't know this had happened to them too.
Both are now reunited, one never had any other children.

I was also for 3 years in a birthmother support group that met in person one day a month, some of us attending almost the whole 3 years. Some coming and going. Some unable to continue when they didn't find after a year.

Then there was the weekend birth mother retreat with
20 women.

So in relation to numbers, of say out of 100, and not all of them reunited yet. Only one or two didn't want to be reunited. Maybe 2-3 didn't feel anything upon reunion and worried about loving their child. They knew they had to fall in love with, or learn to love their child. Then there were the 3 or 4 who found the child/adult had a far worse life then they would have had with the birth mother. Another 3 or 4 whose child "wanted" things, money, to live with, and was not a healthy person emotionally.

One adoptee moved in with bmom at age 18, turned out perfect. Another adoptee moved out of adoptive home at 13 and moved in with a Samoan family. That reunion is on going and getting better.
One bmom just got back from two weeks with bson and family. She lives 8 houses from me. My next door neighbor doesn't want to search, but is open to reunion if he comes knocking.

A very good many, 50 percent or more of the birthmoms I personally have met, had no clue they had hidden away so much emotion and pain. They were shocked and scared when it surfaced. Most have learned to go though it and handle it. A few could not and hid again.

One lovely woman, very religious scared her birthson a little he was just 18, came back to the group for advice, they are doing well now.

Another bmom was over the top, putting her bson's picture on a local tv show, the reunion ended, she hadn't asked his permisson.

My reunion, well, my son has talked of changing his name to my maiden name, he would love to live with me for a time, but that isn't going to happen, he is 44.
He loves me, I love him. We talk a couple of times a week, he lives in another state. Ten years and counting.

There are reunions that take years to get off the ground, but never really stop, they are just slow.

There was the bmom who is a doctor, her bchild adopted by a very rich family, actually told bmom she wasn't good enough for her to know or have anything to do with.

There was the adoptee at my grocery store, who was abused by her adad, she found out the amom knew it was happening. When she asked amom why she didn't stop it, the amom told her "why do you think we adopted you?" This is not even close to something that happens often. This I hope is very, very rare.

There is one bmom who had a hard time for years becasue amom just wouldn't have it, put up road blocks. I mean 20 years, when amom was dying, she apologized and asked bmom to be there for him from now on. She was glad he still would have a mom after she was dead.

I have to go... hugs for all.

[SuddenlySusan]

Nice post, Teri... thanks.

Susan

[Pomme]

Great response to Neb's comment. Well written and insightful.

- Apple

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

On a different note, I recently received an email from my son's amom. It was the first contact I have had with her, and she wrote a beautiful letter. The subject line said, "R's other mom." ....I have been warmly welcomed by them, and we are planning on a BIG family reunion next summer.

I don't think we'll get far in our society until we change this one perspective: Surrendered children are not *objects that* belong to someone. They are *individuals who* are loved by many. This seems to be a territorial dispute rather than a linguistics issue. Once we rid ourselves of the concept of ownership, then perhaps we can address the linguistics and naming issues.

Until then, the title of mom fits both amom and me, so we wear it and share it.

Peace,
Susan

Susan, I love your post sooooo much!!! My son called me 'mum' right from the start. I was a bit taken aback, as I felt that he has a mother and she had done all the hard slog, so who was I to be called 'mum'?? However, he was determined that that was what he wanted to call me and after a couple of weeks, I was up for it. As a single person with no experience as a 'mother' perhaps there could be those who would say 'you don't deserve the title of mother' but that is linguistics and 'ownership' when it was my son's need to call me mum that was important to him. As time has gone by and he has tested me to the limit (my goodness.....) he finally said to me in an email in August: "I've been amazed by the incredible strength you have put my way.... I knew I would see your true colours mum... I love you". So perhaps we aren't 'mothers' to start with in that sense, but we can show what we are made of as we journey together through reunion. Any recognition to the amom as to what she deserves for all that she has contributed to the development of a child, has to be a sign of maturity, if that due is deserved...I'm struggling here a bit, as its late, but I hope you will know what I mean.

I have to say that the warmth that my son has shown me with regard to his calling me 'mum' has been heartwarming to say the least. I may not be a mother in the sense that his adoptive mother was and is, but for nearly 30 years, I was a mother of sorts in my heart, but one that banished herself to a cruel emotional prison in punishment for the terrible deed she'd done of relinquishment and for whom parole arrived when my son searched and found me.

To be called 'mum' gave me a confidence that no-one else on this planet could give me. My son searched and found me, he wanted me in his life and that turned me and my issues on its head. Life and healing started from that moment on.

Fast forward 20 months and in the last few weeks, I have contacted, spoken to and shared emotions & feelings with my son's mother. I give her full credit of being his mother in my attitude to her and my gratitude for the way she has stuck by him, with all that he has thrown at her. She is truly an excellent woman and I hope to get to know her better. Susan, I find your post so encouraging. If two mothers can acknowledge the different roles they play in their childs life now that they are adults and in reunion, then that has a beauty that can surmount obstacles like you wouldn't believe. It brings a healing to all concerned. We all have something that needs to be healed. Names and titles as you say are territorial, possessive. Sharing and caring have their own beauty.

I am so thrilled about the email you received from your sons amom. That would make me high to get same. I totally endorse what you are saying: They are *individuals who* are loved by many. There can never be too much love for a person. Ownership can cause issues of loyalty and there is no need for this as I see it. My son now feels relaxed now he knows that both of us mothers are in touch and getting on fine. How this will affect him long term remains to be seen and any positive results I will convey as that time arrives. But to me, this post is so encouraging to me, as it embraces all that I believe to be true in my reunion and what I have been aiming for since day 1.

Well done Susan, your post is inspiring! Janny

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

I see no problem with...
"Hi, I'd like to introduce you to my mom, Daisy, and my mother, Petunia. They're both great people. Have fun chatting. I'm going for a beer, now. Ta-ta."

Peace,
Susan

It may be a bit weird, having mum and mum, but my son has no problem when we are on the phone talking about Mum(adoptive) and Mum (birth - me). he will shout out 'mum' and ask her a question when on the phone to me, but then get back to me and say 'how are you mum?' - but we are both mothers in different ways. Both very much needed, both loved, and as time goes on, gently offering support to each other, because this is one son with very trying problems he has brought into his life by poor decisions. Lots of love needed, both of us are up for it. I am in awe of what she has put up with and how she keeps hanging in there when most would have given up - very much the optimist holding out for better things. She deserves so much more than she has been getting. It was good that she opened up to me. I gave her my support in any decisions she and her husband may have to make to 'get tough' with the problems son is bringing into the family home.

So there you have it: Amom (B) and Bmom (J). Both hanging in there, both having to cope with one challenging adopted individual - the son I gave birth to and the son she raised. I see nothing wrong in what Susan said above either.

[SuddenlySusan]

Thanks, Jannyroo. It is a wonderful feeling indeed to be in contact with the entire family. In an email I sent today to bson, asis, amom, my DH, and the children I raised, I explained it as this:

"Each of us is a piece of the whole that is us."

We are one.

Peace,
Susan