[cls2445]

Rylee

[cls2445]

Rylee I goofed on that those were claps!!!!

[SuddenlySusan]

It did take a lot of courage to say what you did.

I will be meeting R's amom and asis next summer at a family reunion. It brings back the idea of the reception line mentioned in an earlier post.

I see no problem with...
"Hi, I'd like to introduce you to my mom, Daisy, and my mother, Petunia. They're both great people. Have fun chatting. I'm going for a beer, now. Ta-ta."

Peace,
Susan

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Rylee45

I'm sorry, I have to give my two cents worth here. I am not trying to offend anyone by what I'm saying ok? It's just my opinion.

"Mother" in my opinion refers to the girl/woman who gave birth. That is what she is. That doesn't change. She is and always will be the "Mother" to the child she gave birth to.

An adoptive mom is not "Mother". She didn't give birth to the child but she raised the child and did all the things that their mother either couldn't or wouldn't do when she gave her child up for adoption.

Same thing as with a "Father". The biological connection with a child from a "birth father" he is still the "Father". The adoptive dad is not the "Father" he's the "Dad".

There's an old saying I've heard many times. It goes like this:

"Anyone can be a father/mother but it takes someone special to be a "dad/mom".

Although it hurts sometimes knowing that my daughter called someone else "Mom" for all these years and uses and abuses me with all her shanigans and knowing how abused she was as a child, her parents who raised her are her "Mom and Dad" not her "Mother and Father".

I don't know if that makes any sense or not but that's how I feel about this whole thing.

I didn't choose adoption it was chosen for me. I didn't want to give my rights up but due to circumstances and being kind of stupid at the time, I didn't know enough to know I could have kept her and had the means to support her too. I didn't have any support from my parents on this. In fact my dad said I had to give my daughter up because my mom was pregnant too and he didn't want two babies in the house at the same time.

I'm still very sensitive about this whole thing. But I do know that my daughter has a "Mom" and even though my daughter calls me by my first name (I'm ok with that) I am still her "mother".

If I offended anyone by my words I appologize. I just wanted to put my two cents worth in.

Rylee

I have heard any number of mothers say they would give up their own life for their child, but did you notice, your baby was given away like it was a puppy. Your child, the grandchild, was in the way. Yes, I know, it is a bitter type of comment. But that is how I felt when my mother forced me to give up my baby at 15.
So I understand how you feel.

I will always be the mother who gave birth to him, I am the mother who should have been and wasn't.

Hugs

[Nebula_Rain]

So much good conversation, here.

And thank-you to all for rising to the spirit of this thread.

Wow to Scarlet Moon for your creative energy on the topic

And a definite nod to Aclee! Though I get it that you were referencing your animals, your phrase 'human mom' touches me the most. Subtle and profound.

I had a long talk with a friend at a linguistics conference in Sweden this past week. In Scandanavian languages 'birth mother' translates as 'born mother' Very sweet to the ear, as if somehow a person is born to be a mother.

The upshot of our conversation was that rarely do semantics and emotion meet well with each other. So much of language develops out of a desire to name a feeling. And as we all know, 'emotion' is a vast and prolific human experience. To dilute feeling into singular graphic representations - words - is more than challenging. Hence poetry and simile and metaphor. Endless phrasing and rephrasing to describe the human condition.

____
____


On a personal note, I finally had the 'talk' with my own birth mother in so far as my unwillingness to address her as mom or mother. Tip toeing as delicately as possible with the kindest of words. And still I know how very difficult this is for her ...... we shall see, we shall see.


Neb

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Nebula_Rain

I had a long talk with a friend at a linguistics conference in Sweden this past week.

>> In Scandanavian languages 'birth mother' translates as 'born mother' Very sweet to the ear, as if somehow a person is born to be a mother.<<

If you don't mind I would really like to add the translation to my list of mother titles

Hugs

[Nebula_Rain]

Feel free ...

Neb

[zxczxcasdasd]

ding dang dong- I just came across this thread and it's about my signature. I know for some it's a factual discussion and for others it's very personal and emotional.

It wasn't meant to be a statement about anyone else, just about me. That was honestly my journey. I'm an adoptive stepmom and when I "met" the boy who became my son, he was 8 and I was 24. When it became clear that I would be his mother, it was something I couldn't even fathom. I remember watching him play and splash around in a backyard pool and think "He's the most fantastic, adorable kid I've ever seen, but how do I love him as a mother loves a son? How do I walk into this life that's already in progress and become his Mother?" All I could do was pray that God would show me how to be a mother, and would put that mother-love that is so uniquely mother-love into my heart for this boy so that I love him not just as a great kid, but as my son. It wasn't long before my prayer was answered in spades to the point that even I cannot fathom the depth of my love for my son. Trying to be worthy of that name is something to which I hold myself. I hope I earn it every day of my life. I didn't conceive him, I didn't carry him in me, I didn't birth him, I didn't anything until he was halfway through his childhood, so I really did feel (and in some ways still do) that having really been "given" the name, the title, I wanted to be worthy of it. I still try to be worthy of it, though the shape of the task has entirely changed from guiding and protecting, to releasing and letting go.

My son, who recently opened contact with his biological mother, is free to call her anything he wishes- the spoken form of address for each other or what they consider each other's place in their lives is a matter that's entirely between them. But whatever anyone calls us, I think truth is truth and we are what we are no matter what anyone else has to say about it. If you are a mother, you are a mother. No one else can un-make you what you are. If my son stopped calling me his mother, I still would be his mother, because that's what I am. What you call someone and what they are are 2 totally different things. So even if he never addresses her as such, even if they never have a relationship that entails any kind of parental activity, even if they never spoke to each other again, she is still his mother-- not his only one, not the one who raised him, but his mother nonetheless- and no I don't think she has to "earn" the name. I think she already did.

But that doesn't mean that I will ever stop trying to be worthy of the name Mother. That's my task. That's my journey. And it always will be - even when I'm 105.

[SuddenlySusan]

... Heidi, you never cease to amaze me with your words.

Love,
Susan

[Nebula_Rain]

It's good to see you here .........


Neb

[Mommy24]

Heidi, you ROCK!!!!

[shouav]

Hi all thanks for the replies, I would just like to point out that my son does not call me mum, and I have absolutely no objections to that, what I am objecting to is the fact that he thinks I should'nt be calling myself his first/birth mother!!!!!!! Of course my raised daughter, did tell me it doesnt matter what he says or thinks, thats who I am, and that made me feel a whole lot better, so simple but so hurtful! Today I went out to lunch with my other son, (raised) and someone stopped and said ah you must be his mother, I cant tell you how silly I felt and how **** pleased. It just so happens that my raised children both look like their father and my surrendered son, most definitely looks like me, far more than the raised children do. In a way its good that I live abroad and dont have to go through the pain of actually going out to lunch with my surrendered son, and have him completely ignore me, when someone comes up to him who he knows, that I find (maybe I'm old fashioned) was both rude and bad manners, after all, all he had to say was this is (my name)!!!
Thanks for all your comments. Shouav

[Rylee45]

Shouva, I agree with you on you always being his "mother" . That's not going to change no matter what he thinks.

One thing that I always say when my husband and I have a disagreement (especially when I'm right ) is this,

"just because you don't believe it doesn't make it a lie and just because you do believe it don't make it true."

I have told him many times if something is green and you see it as red doesn't mean it's red it's still green and you can't change that.

He hates it when I say that but it's true in anything. Just because someone thinks something doesn't make it true or visa versa. A rose by any other name is still a rose. Right?

Anyway... Just my two cents worth on that.

Rylee

[keds]

Well put Rylee! Shouva - I usually meet my bson near my hometown and often wonder how I would react if someone I knew walked by. I have introduced him to a few people as just (his name) because I think it would make him extremely uncomfortable at this point in our reunion for me to presume anything else. So far, nobody has asked the next question - what is a 40+ year old woman doing eating dinner and drinking wine with a 26+ year old good looking young man on a patio overlooking the bay when her husband is 600 miles away!

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by keds

So far, nobody has asked the next question - what is a 40+ year old woman doing eating dinner and drinking wine with a 26+ year old good looking young man on a patio overlooking the bay when her husband is 600 miles away!

Having a darned good time Keds! haha, jk of course

And Heidi, you are just a rockstar on here. Love ya!