[Rifilanna]

Hi Ladies,

I am a birth mother who placed my baby girl 14 years ago. My life-parter is trained a a social worker (doesn't work in the field though). I wish my partner could support me in my frustration and grief, but she can't.

Every time I get angy at the social worker (who had an agenda, and is no longer with the agency) my parnter "sides" with the social worker, who she never met. I know my parnter means no harm, but statments like "Its all for the best now", and "Maybe she (the social worker)did what she thought best for your baby." "She might have been right." really hurt.

I don't know how to help my partner understand my side of things. I wish I didn't end up fighting with her every time I'm missing my girl.

Any suggestions would help!

[Jackiejdajda]

I don't know how to help my partner understand my side of things. I wish I didn't end up fighting with her every time I'm missing my girl.

I can remember John Bradshaw say once.. (he was a self help person from the eighties and nineties) “If I could drive you out of your mind I would do it!”

Its hard for some of us to find our feeling self and do the legitimate grief work around the relinquisment of our sons or daughters..
I had to speak to my husband and get angry with him when I felt he was not really looking at my emotions.. Seeing my emotions..

I had to say to him “You need to hear me!” on this..

I think friends and partners are part of our support network.. and if they do not want to support us then so be it..
I am very very sorry for your loss…

Jackie

[keds]

I hate to say it but I agree. My husband, who is bfather, is very unsupportive and is a "snap out of it" attitude. I have given up trying to get him to see my point of view and have accepted that fact. It hasn't been easy but we're arguing less! Hang in there!

[SuddenlySusan]

If you are not receiving the support you need from your partner... or, even if you are receiving that support, you may want to consider a support group for members of the adoption triad.

Would your partner be willing to read some of the literature which is routinely mentioned on the forums? I found that after those who are close to me read the book "The Girls Who Went Away" they tend to be much more educated, interested and compassionate.

Best wishes,
Susan

[eliza4]

i find that i'm having a very difficult time with my spouse...and it looks as though we won't make it. there was a time that i thought he was my biggest supporter...and that he was handling the whole situation so well...and that's all fallen apart. he's made some very insensitive comments-he has the inability to think before he speaks...and that puts me on the defensive...comments like you know you'll only get to see DD once, maybe twice a year because i have to save my vacation for us(meaning my other children). that comment thru a huge wrench in our relationship because i feel like he's ranking DD in our family and she's no less important to me...if i want to see her more than once or twice a year and i have the financial ability to do, it shouldn't be a big deal. reconnecting with DD got my husband jealous enough to think i was having an affair...though i was trying to get her online. everything that's happened this past year and a half, including all the other lifechanging stuff...just puts more and more distance between us...and he's not my go to guy anymore. i don't want to tell him anything about DD's biological father's appearance now...because he tries to "solve the problem," though there is no problem-and i've handled the issues with her birthfather as i see fit...though my husband thinks he's all knowing...though he's never been in a similar situation. he's called me crazy and the name calling has intensified unfortunately...so i'm fairly certain that this marriage is ending soon...i need to keep my children's best interest at heart...and that includes DD.

[keds]

Eliza4, I'm sorry to hear that the situation has come to a point where you are questioning staying in the relationship. I can't offer any advice but it sounds like you are putting yourself and your children, all of them, first. My husband, who is the bdad which makes it easier and harder in some respects, sounds very similar to yours. He says things without thinking and it came down to me giving him an ultimatum - my son is just as important to me as anyone else in my life and I need the time to get to know him and heal old wounds, mine and maybe his. I am doing this on my time and noone and nothing will stop me. He can ignore it or he can accept it and be a part of it. If he doesn't want to and continues to make it hard for me then he will have to leave. Fortunately, I think I was honest and strong enough to make an impact. He still isn't having anything to do with the reunion but if I say I'm going away for a few days he knows where I'm going and who I'm going to see and doesn't make any comments. I hope for your sake everything works out for the best. As if adoption and reunion weren't hard enough!!

[bethy724]

I am not a birth mother but a foster/adopt mom & my sister refused to support me during the difficult 2 years before my son was adopted. The final blow-the judge court ordered my son to visit his birth father in jail after he was convicted of capital murder (he beat my sons 1/2 brother to death in front of him) My sister insists that the judge did nothing wrong (more than once) & the bio dad has rights & should not be terminated-AFTER THE CONVICTION. (no she is not a lawyer, but a sw that hasn't worked in 12 years)

It's truly disappointing that our closest relationships can't support or at least understand our pain-I hope it is that they are themselves to emotionally attached & don't want the emotions to surface so they are closed off to facing painful realities in our lives or they would have to admit they can not help the situation. Maybe your partner feels powerless, therefore is on the opposite side of the spectrum. Good luck finding the support you need & deserve. Maybe that support will come from church, a friend or an online support group of people that have similar losses.

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by eliza4

i find that i'm having a very difficult time with my spouse...and it looks as though we won't make it. there was a time that i thought he was my biggest supporter...and that he was handling the whole situation so well...and that's all fallen apart. he's made some very insensitive comments-he has the inability to think before he speaks...and that puts me on the defensive...comments like you know you'll only get to see DD once, maybe twice a year because i have to save my vacation for us(meaning my other children). .

After we went through a grueling day of meeting the bson hubby and I were in a restaurant and he said.. “Now you can have time for me.. do for me.”

I bowed my head.. and let it go.. I knew he was exhausted like I was..

I have read where other women have had a situation like yours.. This may be fairly common.. who knows..

But I bet he’s frightened.. and does not know how to cope.. Needs to learn..

that comment thru a huge wrench in our relationship because i feel like he's ranking DD in our family and she's no less important to me...if i want to see her more than once or twice a year and i have the financial ability to do, it shouldn't be a big deal.

I think some birthmoms are secret keepers and grudge keepers..
Maybe telling him how pissed you are.. maybe taking it to the open may work..
Partners are supposed to be our support system.. You need support..

But then he may need support.. He may be feeling that life is taking his family away.. his family as he knows it..
I say.. talk to the man.. give him a block of time to speak and then give you a time to speak..
Therapist told me to do this with hubby when we were full of anger at each other..
It worked..

No interruptions and listening ears on.. (<Judge Judy.. said that)

reconnecting with DD got my husband jealous enough to think i was having an affair...though i was trying to get her online. everything that's happened this past year and a half, including all the other lifechanging stuff...just puts more and more distance between us...and he's not my go to guy anymore. i don't want to tell him anything about DD's biological father's appearance now...because he tries to "solve the problem," though there is no problem-and i've handled the issues with her birthfather as i see fit...though my husband thinks he's all knowing...though he's never been in a similar situation. he's called me crazy and the name calling has intensified unfortunately...so i'm fairly certain that this marriage is ending soon...i need to keep my children's best interest at heart...and that includes DD

My husband and I went to the lawyers.. We were done..
Christmas came and I did not do Christmas..
The kids were older so they could handle it. But I had done with him..
We broke it completely and then fixed it..

Now we are married.. since 1971 and heading into retirement together..

I say.. talk to the man..

And listen to him..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by bethy724

I am not a birth mother but a foster/adopt mom & my sister refused to support me during the difficult 2 years before my son was adopted. The final blow-the judge court ordered my son to visit his birth father in jail after he was convicted of capital murder (he beat my sons 1/2 brother to death in front of him) My sister insists that the judge did nothing wrong (more than once) & the bio dad has rights & should not be terminated-AFTER THE CONVICTION. (no she is not a lawyer, but a sw that hasn't worked in 12 years) .

Sisters.. They are something else..

I keep hearing about sisters that do not have a clue on how to support a family member..

Jackie