[gemini678]

First, I must say it is not my intention to offend any of you in any way. I am searching for possible answers to my situation as an adoptee. It is impossible to get the answers from H(biological mother), so I figured I may gain some insight from other birthmothers. I hope you don't mind sharing a bit more with me.

Thank you in advance for your time and your responses.

What would have had to be different in order for you to raise your child?? Could anything have changed your mind??

Why isn't family or friends an option when placing a child for adoption?? Would you not prefer to see the child grow and develope or is that just too painful to be so close?

What are your honest expectations in a reunion??

I know I'm asking a lot but any responses will be appreciated. I also understand these questions may be sensative for some, if you choose not to respond, I respect that. Thanks again for your time.

[Mommy24]

1. What would have had to be different in order for you to raise your child?? Could anything have changed your mind?? I would have needed someone to tell me that I could have raised my child alone, that there were resources out there to help me, that adoption is permanent but my situation was temporary.

2.Why isn't family or friends an option when placing a child for adoption?? Would you not prefer to see the child grow and develope or is that just too painful to be so close? It is not as simple as that sounds, but when I was considering placement I was told at the agency that I would "always" be able to see my son grow-up through pictures and letters with a semi-open adoption, however that only lasted 7 yrs.


3.What are your honest expectations in a reunion?? I have my own desire's, but will respect whatever he needs from me. If it is friendship, we will be friends, I love that child with all of my being and I will continue to do what I did for him 17 years ago and that is whatever is in his best interest!! He will call the shots, because he didn't get to the first time.


((hugs)))

[keds]

Hi Gemini, welcome. Any time you have questions, feel free to ask me.

1. What would have had to be different in order for you to raise your child?? I didn't have any counselling and the pressure from my boyfriend was unbelievable. He had plans for his life, and mine too. I was very young and thought it was the end of the world and contemplated suicide. I was convinced by the agency, and everyone else in my life, that the best thing for my son would be to have 2 parents who had the financial stability to give him everything he would need for a happy life. I suppose the only difference would be if I had known that I could have made it on my own - confidence? knowledge?

2.Why isn't family or friends an option when placing a child for adoption?? Would you not prefer to see the child grow and develope or is that just too painful to be so close? Family and friends weren't an option as everyone wanted it to be a "secret" and they still do. I am just entering reunion and I'll be ****ed if I keep my feelings quiet now! I would have loved to have seen him grow and develop and I think it would have been less painful to see that then always wonder. Of course, that would mean he would know who I was or I don't think that it would work.

3.What are your honest expectations in a reunion?? My expectations are that we will regularly communicate and spend some time at holidays, birthdays and special occasions, whatever he is comfortable with and desires. The whole reunion is proceeding on his timetable and at his pace as it is important to me that he makes the decisions and feels secure that I am here for the good and bad. My hopes are a whole different story! I don't expect or hope to be his "mom" or even to meet his family and friends as I don't want to intrude in his life but he's already told me he has a place in his life so that's almost enough for me. I would love to see him every week or feel comfortable enough to call whenever I felt like it but that isn't realistic. Even with the children I raised and as I look at my relationship with my family and that age, he's now 27, calls and letters were few and far between.

I think the one expectation that I have that I don't usually speak about is that I would like him to get to know me and be secure enough to tell me his true feelings. Good or bad that is the day I most look forward to at this point. All the best.

[sstuart]

What would have had to be different in order for you to raise your child?? Could anything have changed your mind?? I needed to know that I could have raised my child and that there are programs that will help you. When I was able to finish college and buy a house I now have 2 children and I am able to raise them on my own. My parents were always very negative about any help from anyone esp. the government.

Why isn't family or friends an option when placing a child for adoption?? Would you not prefer to see the child grow and develope or is that just too painful to be so close? It would be too painful for me to be that close.

What are your honest expectations in a reunion?? I just want to be able to have a part in her life. I know I am not her parent, but I would at least like to be her friend. I also would like her and my 2 younger children to get the chance to know each other.

[quantum]

Hi Gemini! Welcome to the birthparent forums.

What would have had to be different in order for you to raise your child?? Could anything have changed your mind??Well, in retrospect, I'm not sure. I do wish I'd had options of help until I finished college to consider. I guess in a lot of ways I do feel like adoption was the best option for us. I like who and where I am now, I like who my birthson is. I do ache for the years I missed watching him grow, I would have loved an open adoption! But I was 18, freshman in college, confused...how could I have handled it? Don't really know.

Why isn't family or friends an option when placing a child for adoption?? Would you not prefer to see the child grow and develope or is that just too painful to be so close?As I said, I would have loved an open adoption. My parents did offer to adopt. I didn't really believe they were sincere in their offer. In retrospect I think my father would have always been shoving it in my face in a negative way (as in 'I could have retired if I didn't have to take care of your son' etc...)I also didn't want to watch them raise him. I have my own ideas that differ from theirs.I think it would have screwed everyone up. No one else knew I was pregnant.

What are your honest expectations in a reunion?? It's difficult for me to have expectations! I'm glad that I know where he is, and what his name is! That I can talk to him. I'd like to be able to see him when possible (distance makes it really hard). I'd love to be invited to his wedding. I want my girls to grow up knowing him. I hope to be closer to him as time goes on!

[Found at last]

Gemini,

I understand your curiousity and I'll try to help you.

What would have had to be different in order for you to raise your child? If I had grown some backbone. I was scared out of my mind. I didn't know who my daughter's father was, so I couldn't get any help from anyone.

Could anything have changed your mind? No, it was the best thing I could for my daughter.

Why isn't family or friends an option when placing a child for adoption? Many adoptees are placed with family or friends. I found out 25 years later that my aunt-cousin asked my mother if her and her husband could adopted my daughter. I guess my mother didn't like that idea, because she never mentioned it to me.

Would you not prefer to see the child grow and develop or is that just too painful to be so close? It would have been too painful for me to watch my daughter grow up.

What are your honest expections in a reunion? Gemini, I have been reunited with my daughter. I had hoped that she would like me and would want to be close friends, but that's not what happened.


Found

[TexasPuppy]

Originally Posted by gemini678

What would have had to be different in order for you to raise your child??I would have had to be older, more mature. I was not ready to be a parent. I was still a child myself. Could anything have changed your mind??Probably not. I just was not prepared to take care of a child and I honestly believed and still believe that she was better off with parent(s) who could really take care of her.

Why isn't family or friends an option when placing a child for adoption??This child was my child, not my mother's and as far as friends, they were too young too. Would you not prefer to see the child grow and develop or is that just too painful to be so close?I would have loved to know what was going on in her life, seen pictures and had updates but this wasn't an option at the time I relinquished my child so I just lived with what I had, my beliefs that she was safe, healthy, and happy.

What are your honest expectations in a reunion?? I just started reunion in April 07. We have exchanged letters and today the agency called and we have picked some tentative dates within the next month for a face to face meeting. I never believed that this would happen so I am taking each letter and this upcoming meeting as a gift. I do not expect her to "be my daughter" and me "be her mom". She already has parents and from what I can tell, they did a great job raising her. So really, I am not sure I have any "real" expectations.

I know I'm asking a lot but any responses will be appreciated. I also understand these questions may be sensitive for some, if you choose not to respond, I respect that. Thanks again for your time.

Hope these answers help.

[InBlindFaith]

What would have had to be different in order for you to raise your child?? Could anything have changed your mind?? If people would have told me I could do it on my own and if they would have been more supportive I would have kept DD.

Why isn't family or friends an option when placing a child for adoption?? Would you not prefer to see the child grow and develope or is that just too painful to be so close? I lost most of my friends when I chose to continue with the pregnancy. My family was not an option because...well...there were issues and it would not have been good.

What are your honest expectations in a reunion?? Reunion will have to be at DD's pace, whatever she is comfortable with. I have absolutely no intentions in stepping in and being her mother. I hope to have the chance to get to know her and build a relationship (whatever that will be) and I hope my little one will have the opportunity to get to know her too. I plan on hugging her when I see her though...that's just how I am.

[kakuehl]

Gemini, you know I'm always open for questions!

What would have had to be different in order for you to raise your child??

Hmm... mostly me! I would have had to believe that I would never inadvertantly punish him/scar him emotionally by my acceptance (or lack there of) of his presence in my life - I would have had to be sure that I didn't see him as a reproach to me every time I was upset. I did not want to do that to him...

Could anything have changed your mind?? See above!

Why isn't family or friends an option when placing a child for adoption??

I never gave it a thought! (Except that I didn't want him growing up as my "brother.")


Would you not prefer to see the child grow and develope or is that just too painful to be so close?

I would love to have seen him grow up and develop; to have known that he was ok. I don't know how difficult emotionally it would have been.

What are your honest expectations in a reunion??

Good question. I don't know what I expect. In fact, I would say our reunion has exceeded my expectations. I love getting to know him and finding the similarities in personality. We have baggage, but I don't have a desire to "mother" him (at least not more than I mother the rest of you."). I love being free to love him. I love learning about his life growing up. I'm enjoying getting to know his parents... watching his children grow... I hope the day will come when he can share his feelings about growing up as an adoptee - but that is his choice. (And since he reminds me of his bdad in the "feelings" area; I may never know!)

I don't know that this will help you understand H! From your description, we are very different people!

[browneyes0707]

What would have had to be different in order for you to raise your child?? Could anything have changed your mind??

Support, plain and simple. Support from my friends, who were the first to learn of my pregnancy. they talked abortion, and when I dragged my feet they talked adoption. But not one ever asked me if I wanted to parent. In fact one went out of my way to say I didn't "want to be a single mom with no education working as a waitress to support my child" So that was the stereotype in my head.

Also support from b-dad. If he had just once said "I think we should consider parenting " I would have. Instead he made me feel like getting pregnant ruined his life, and that my reluctance to have an abortion was a plot to "trap him". I'll never really know what he felt since he barely spoke to me until I was already in the midst of an adoption plan, but his actions (or lack of) spoke volumes.

Why isn't family or friends an option when placing a child for adoption?? Would you not prefer to see the child grow and develope or is that just too painful to be so close?

Too painful. Pure and simple. I'd also have a really strong desire to co-parent with a friend or family and treat them more like a babysitter, which would be unfair. Something I wouldn't have felt with a stranger

What are your honest expectations in a reunion??

I just want it to be a positive experience for all of us. Honest and positive. I want it to be whatever benefits DD the most. If she just wants info, so be it. But I hope she will want to be my friend. I want to be a positive addition to her life. I could never replace those who are already in it.

[gemini678]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to these random questions. I wish you all the best.

[josh1788smom]

Gemini - I will answer your questions anytime - hope they help!!!!

What would have had to be different in order for you to raise your child?? Could anything have changed your mind??

If my parents would have supported me and realized this would forever change EVERYTHING I could have done it. I got passive-aggressive support from my parents, which was to manipulate the outcome they wanted. This support needs to be shown while you are pregnant too. It cannot just be support of the baby. Babies are cute and cudly, but the mom needs to be supported the entire time. My parents viewed my taking my son home as a phase they would have to deal with until I got tired of it. They were very manipulative in their actions.

My son's bdad just committed suicide 2 weeks ago. The guilt of all these years has finally been too much for him. Back then, he threatened suicide if I kept my son. THerefore, he was manipulating me too. My parents have said they would have been supportive if he and I would have gotten married. THey only just now understand that means they never supported me or would have supported me, they would have supported the bdad (if we were married).

Why isn't family or friends an option when placing a child for adoption??

My son was adopted by my dad's cousins. What a freaking mess. They have NEVER told my son that. He thought he came from an agency until I met him (upon turning 18). The whole family is divided. Almost none of them will have anything to do with us. When they do, everyone talks of all the other relatives except the ones that have my son. This is my Grandma's only remaining sister and her children and the whole relationship is a disaster. I would rather strangers have him - if it had to be this way. Strangers would have treated me better all along. I've had my heart torn apart by family.


What are your honest expectations in a reunion??

I have met my son and we communicate some. I have no expectations. No saying, I haven't had the fantasy that he is so enamoured by me that he wants to be in my life, but that is not our reality. My son thinks his adad is the best, and his amom is too fragile to deal with him knowing me. My family is forever damaged because of these selfish, selfish people. In WV (my state and his) this adoption would not be legal today and all parties (my parents and aparents) would be guilty of kidnapping. I am glad for this legislation but it is 18 years too late for me.

I dream of having one of those stories of reunion that are so perfect. I would even forgive and forget the issues of my dad's relatives just to have my whole family normal again. But I don't think that is in the cards for me. So, I try to deal with the whole in my heart left by my son, and go on. I try to make jokes about my family being dysfunctional and forget that growing up I had a lot of fun with cousins and second cousins and a great Aunt that were very close to me. I try to forget that they are out there not caring about me at all just happy that I could be a pawn used to give them what they so desperately wanted - a baby.

[ModernDayBradyBunch]

Originally Posted by gemini678

First, I must say it is not my intention to offend any of you in any way. I am searching for possible answers to my situation as an adoptee. It is impossible to get the answers from H(biological mother), so I figured I may gain some insight from other birthmothers. I hope you don't mind sharing a bit more with me.

Thank you in advance for your time and your responses.

What would have had to be different in order for you to raise your child?? Could anything have changed your mind??

Why isn't family or friends an option when placing a child for adoption?? Would you not prefer to see the child grow and develope or is that just too painful to be so close?

What are your honest expectations in a reunion??

I know I'm asking a lot but any responses will be appreciated. I also understand these questions may be sensative for some, if you choose not to respond, I respect that. Thanks again for your time.

I found your post interesting and thought I'd add my responses to the mix:

1. Nothing would changed my decision to place my two sons for adoption. This was a decision that my husband and I mutually came to before we even found out we were pregnant. We already parent (many times over!) and felt (and still feel) that adoption is not a last resort option. For us, it was more about knowing what was best for our family and both the children we parent and the children we've placed.

2. Our oldest birth son was placed with family. It was much too difficult, but not because of him being too "close." It was more of a boundary issue and that is why we placed our second son through an agency and not with the same family. Sometimes placing with family is just not the ideal option. Our younger birth son has a wonderful family and although we do not have visits with him, we do get frequent updates and emails on how he's doing. We are currently pregnant again and are placing this child as well.

3. As for our reunion expectations, I guess you could say that we have none. We are very respectful of the "boundaries". I know that others may not agree with this, but we call the boys "our sons" but we do not consider ourselves their "parents" in any shape or form. We are not raising them, we gave birth to them. There is a difference. If at some point either one of them wishes to contact us, we would be more than willing to discuss it between ourselves and their parents and go from there. But if they do not wish to do so, we are also completely okay with that as well. That was something we understood the day we ventured into adoption and we have never had any illusions about it.

I know that there are probably many of you out there that are completely disagreeing with our opinions, but they are exactly that - OUR opinions. I don't mean to offend anyone, I'm simply stating our thoughts on the questions asked. I hope this helps!

[SchmennaLeigh]

What would have had to be different in order for you to raise your child?? Could anything have changed your mind??

If the agency had been honest with me, I wouldn't have placed my child for adoption. Had I known, prior to signing the TPR, that open adoptions were not legally binding in my state, I would not have placed. That said, prior to that point, if my parents and I had been able to communicate in a proper fashion, I would not have gotten to that point of desperation. Unfortunately, we were unable to come together on the subject and have since reconciled, forgiving each other for blatant miscommunication.

Why isn't family or friends an option when placing a child for adoption?? Would you not prefer to see the child grow and develope or is that just too painful to be so close?

Well, our adoption is open. However, my family, as you can see above, wasn't exactly working with me on anything regarding the pregnancy or anything regarding adoption. We were at a blatant impasse.

What are your honest expectations in a reunion??

While this question isn't appropriate for our open adoption, my expectations with my child and her family are simple: that she know that I always loved her and wanted her and to be available for her should she ever need me for any reason.

[jenjones84]

Originally Posted by gemini678

First, I must say it is not my intention to offend any of you in any way. I am searching for possible answers to my situation as an adoptee. It is impossible to get the answers from H(biological mother), so I figured I may gain some insight from other birthmothers. I hope you don't mind sharing a bit more with me.

Thank you in advance for your time and your responses.

What would have had to be different in order for you to raise your child?? Could anything have changed your mind??

Why isn't family or friends an option when placing a child for adoption?? Would you not prefer to see the child grow and develope or is that just too painful to be so close?

What are your honest expectations in a reunion??

I know I'm asking a lot but any responses will be appreciated. I also understand these questions may be sensative for some, if you choose not to respond, I respect that. Thanks again for your time.

I would have changed my mind if I was alittle older, I was only 15. I made a mistake and I think god wanted me to make that mistake, I blessed a family with a child. It would have been too hard for me to have had him in my family still. I would have had no one that could have adopted him, Plus im always around my family. I have reunited with him, It was exactly how I wanted it, He knows who I am, that im his birthmother.