[so-empty]

I am losing it , I thought for a little while that things were getting better I was gonna get letters from them and everything was gonna be ok I still havnt gotten a letter ( for them it might not seem like a long time but for me every secind feels like forever) I am having a hard time focasing on anything I cant sleep cause i have nightmares and I end up saying the same things repetivaly because I forget i said them I keep trying to act like I am ok thinking you know if I act ok evently ill forget how broken I am and it doesnt work an I am so tired of pretend im happy when I really wanna scream and cry and yell, and I think I should be past this point it has been months sinse she was born in may and I dont feel any better and now everything that goes wrong even the little stuff seems so unbarable that i jsut i cant.., I just cant do this anymore, cana nayone help me tell me how to feel better?

[keds]

so-empty - I can't offer any advice other than I think you need to see a professional as IMO you are suffering what I went through - post partum depression. That doesn't mean that you have to be medicated (which scared me to death) but you need support. You're doing great and the first thing is recognizing that you're just not getting better. I have always believed in putting on a brave face but sometimes you have to work through your emotions and you need a safety net. I managed to get through it and you sound strong enough that I'm confident you will too - please make a few calls. I know I find if I see my bson in the morning by dinner I'm feeling a little blue as I never know how long it will be before we get together again! Keep in touch and the forums are a huge support - just knowing that there are others trying to figure things out has kept me together some days. All the best and big (((hugs)))!

[Karen1977]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can sort of relate, I am a birthmother not due until December, but I am already depressed when I think of actually placing my son. What I can tell you is that I went through VERY serious postpartum depression after the birth of my son. I didn't seek treatment and it got to the point where I had to be hospitalized. I'm not a doctor, but the feelings and thoughts you are describing are so similar to what I fel when I went through postpartum. And I think postpartum depression could definitely be complicated by the fact that you don't seem to be at peace with the decision you made (though I realize very few people are probably at peace with that decision). I wish there were magic words I could say to help you, but I really think you need to see a professional. I ended up needing a psychiatrist and it's nothing to be ashamed of. The antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication literally saved my life. I would have killed myself if it weren't for the help I got from my doctor. I also think you need a good therapist so you can talk about your feelings. I feel horrible for you because I know what a hopeless feeling it is, but I swear to you that with medical help and counseling it does get easier.