[Karen1977]

I know that I have to place this baby. I know that keeping him would be 100% selfish. I just never expected the emotions to be this strong. I cry constantly. I have panic attacks. I am terrified of going into labor (I do have one other living child with me) because I know that labor signifies the beginning of the end. I don't know how I am going to handle giving this baby to his Amom. Just thinking about it makes me sadder than I have ever been in my life, I'm afraid of how I am actually going to feel when it happens. Can some of you tell me how you handled the last couple months of your pregnancy? Is it this hard for everyone or am I overly emotional? I wish that I could just wake up and the whole thing would be done and over with. I don't know how to deal with these emotions and I am scared it's going to get worse as the pregnancy continues and my due date approaches. Is there anything I can do to make this time a little more peaceful?

[bromanchik]

Why do you think it would be 100% selfish. I would say that any decision that is causing you this kind of anxiety may not be the right one. A decision can be painful but still leave you feeling at peace. It does not sound to me like you have any peace with this decision. It may not be the right one for you and your baby. Are you getting any counseling from someone outside of adoption?

[TexasPuppy]

I placed a child almost 30 years ago. I was young and for me this was a blessing. I didn't know what would happen if I placed my child but I did know what would happen if I didn't. I couldn't take care of her. The business of "love conquers all" and "all you need is love" isn't all it's cracked up to be. Loving a child isn't enough to raise them. You have to have so much more to take care of them. Money and food supplements you can usually get from the state agencies (unless you own a fairly new car) and support you can sometimes get from family and friends; but if you keep your child, you have to raise that child. You have to be there for them when they need you, even when you don't feel like it (ie sick, tired from working, etc.)

As I said I was very young and still had several years of school ahead of me so working was not an option. My family supported me but I knew that I could not be "a child raising a child". I did get married about 5 years later and had two more children that I love as much as my first but I was ready for them. I had a job to support them. I had a husband to support me. I had friends that were starting families just like me and we could support each other. And I felt mature enough and ready to put them first. What I didn't realize was that I was already mature and ready because that is what I did before. I thought of her above me and put her first.

I am not saying that I didn't hate having to do it, but it was right for her and that made it right for me. Everyones story is different. Everyone feels differently about adoption. And everyone reacts differently after placing. I had a hard time initially, but I stuck to my beliefs that I did what was best and right for both of us so I have been lucky enough not to feel a lot of guilt, pain, resentment, and anguish over my decision. Mind you, I have felt all these emotions and many more, but I have stood fast that I made the right decision and this has made things easier to live with.

I hope you do not feel that I have pushed anything towards you. Just listen to your heart and your mind. Talk with a counselor if you haven't already. But know that you have to be ready to life with your decisions and you are the only one who can tell you what is best for you and your child(ren).

Good luck and I will keep checking back if you want to talk.

[Rylee45]

It definitely is a difficult decision as to what you want to do but both the others have made good points. You have to be able to live with the decision whichever way you decide.

I wish I'd had a choice in the adoption of my daughter and who she went to if I had followed through because I had a choice. I don't know if I would have had so many resentments etc and other emotional issues if I had have had some say in where she went and knowing who she was.

If I'd actually had a choice in all of it I probably wouldn't have given her up in the first place. I would have been the best mom I could be and taken the best care of her I could have.

I have always been a very responsible person for the most part and always made sure my children that I had after my daughter was given up had a roof over their heads, food in the mouths, and clothes on their backs. They never went without even though I was on a very low low income. I was a single mother of 3 children when my husband and I got divorced.

I got frustrated and angry sometimes being in that position but I did it because I loved my kids and I wasn't going to let anyone have my kids because I was bound determined to make it work with or without child support or any other help from family or friends.

If you choose to parent your child or have the kinds of things going on that you do, I personally would look into counseling and other options to be able to parent your child.

Don't worry about the people who want to adopt your baby. They'll survive if you back out. Yes they'll be upset, hurt, frustrated, and all the other stuff that failed adoptions cause but it will save you a lifetime of misery and pain if you really don't want to give your baby up. I know, I've been there done that and it's horribly pain.

Do what your heart tells you to do and don't worry about what anyone else thinks about your decision. It's your baby and YOU have to do what you want to do and not what everyone else tells you to do. If you want to keep her, keep her. If you don't, then do your best to make sure the home she's going to is the one YOU want her to have. This is to important a decision to give her up out of guilt, or any other reason if you don't want to and too important a decision to just give her to just anyone. Be as active as possible in everything you're doing for your daughter and make sure that it is done your way. Don't let anyone con you into anything ok?

Rylee

[StacyKelly2]

Are you sure that adoption is right for you? If you are continually feeling this way, then maybe you should rethink the choice of adoption. I am not a birth mom, but an adoptive mom, so honestly I do not know the feelings or emotions that a birth mom goes through. I could not even imagine. Adoption is a most courageous and loving choice, but it is not for everyone. You need to be honest with yourself, and if you do have hopeful adoptive parents - you really need to be honest with them. Reading one post don't worry about the adoptive parents they will survive if you back out. That is just unfair. I went through a contested adoption, our son's birth father wavered in his decision. For 2 years we had custody and never knew what the outcome would be. I cannot stress to you enough that emotionally we were destroyed. Thank God when we went in front of the judge she decided to grant the adoption- only because the birth father failed to be involved for 2 years. Our adopted son is our world we love him as our very own child. Please just think of what is best for you and your baby, and if you feel adoption is not then you need to parent. I know this has to be one of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make, so take your time and follow your heart...I wish you peace in whatever decision you chose.

[Free_to_be_me]

Hi Karen,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I hope that your decision isn't being made more difficult by people asking you if you are sure that you are making the right decision.

When I was pregnant, I went through a lot of what you are talking about. I was so incredibly depressed and could hardly bear the thought of not having my baby with me. However, even though it was so, so hard, it was the right choice for me. I knew 100% that adoption was best for me and my baby. Even though I knew that, having to convince other people that I knew that and really was making the right choice was difficult. My pregnancy counselor (who was fantastic, by the way) was very concerned that I wouldn't be able to go through with my decision after meeting the baby face to face. She actually worked with my parents to make sure that there was a "Plan B" that would be workable and as stress-free as possible, just in case. My parents would have supported me no matter what decision I made. My other family and friends would have as well.

That being said, during the last couple months-who am I kidding-during my entire pregnancy, I was a mess. I cried every single day. I slept 20 hours a day for a couple months straight. I moped around. I just sat in a daze. I was so miserable. I loved my baby so much and could hardly stand the thought of not being with her.

There were a couple things that helped me get through it. One was meeting the adoptive parents and getting to know them. I felt a lot more comfortable knowing where my baby was going and knowing that she would be very loved and well taken care of by people I really liked. The other thing that helped a lot was taking time to spend with my baby. During the last month of my pregnancy, I took a bath every day and just laid in the tub, poking the baby (Her feet and elbows made lumps in my belly and I poked them down, they moved, I responded) and talking to her. I told her everything that I needed to tell her.

P was born two weeks late. I appreciated every minute of my miserable pregnancy because I got to be with her. I knew that when she was born, our time would be over.

Now, even just remembering how emotionally hard my pregnancy was, there is a positive side. I spent the last weeks worrying so much about how hard it would be to say goodbye that I actually was well prepared for it. I did a lot of my grieving while I was pregnant. After she was actually born and with her adoptive parents, I realized that I had made it through the worst part. Then, it got easier.

Now, this is just my experience and I don't know what you are going through. I don't know if our feelings are similar or our ways of dealing with the loss is any way the same. I just wanted to share my experience because you asked for other peoples' thoughts. I hope this helps some.

[quantum]

I just wanted to say that was a lovely post Free to be me.

Even though I wish in some ways things could have been different, I did know that adoption was 100% for me and on some levels I have always known that.

Thank you.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Free_to_be_me

I was a mess. I cried every single day. I slept 20 hours a day for a couple months straight. I moped around. I just sat in a daze.

What you are describing is depression/anticipitory grieving. What Karen is experiencing is severe anxiety. They are two very different reactions. People become anxious when something in their world is threatening them... making it an unsafe place. There is no peace in her decision, and as a therapist and a birthmom, this is a big red flag that something is not right.

Karen, I am so sorry you are struggling in this way. For those of us who are encouraging you to further explore parenting, know we have your best interests at heart.

[Arruniel]

It's normal to be depressed. It's normal to be ill. It's not normal to be so depressed and anxious that you are in danger or hospitalization.

You are obviously having a psycho-somatic reaction to your decision to place your baby up for adoption.

Every cell in your body is screaming at you not to do it. Unfortunately, it doesn't get any better after the adoption.

Unlike "Free to be me", most of us grieve heavily for months. It's like your child dying when you give them up, except they are alive, elsewhere, and living with others!

I gave up my child at birth 7 years ago. I miss her every day. I can't say I don't regret it, but it was the best thing for her.

And now I am getting on with my life without her.

If you feel this strongly, may be you shouldn't do it.

As for support, women have been having babies since the beginning of the human race, as primatives. Women today still raise kids in huts and shanties.

It's very hard, but many women have managed to make do alone.

Once you get pregnant you are in difficult situation. You can get an abortion, and live with that decision for the rest of you're life, but, at least, there is a definite end to it. You can raise the child, as you would if you had no other options; very difficult, and you might lose your child to the state if you can't provide and raise the child well enough. Or, you can see the pregnancy through, then give the child up for adoption. You keep the child and give it up all at once, possibility the cruelest option to the woman in question.

Lastly, God is not punishing you for having an abortion. I never had an abortion and my pregnancy, delivery, and adopton process were horrible and excruciating. Unfortunately, and is a great misfortune, it is the nature of the beast.

We women get pregnant, and then we must do something about it. If we are lucky, we have support. I wasn't lucky, and, as you said, neither are you.

Abortion is not evil. It saves children from being brought into the world that are not wanted, cannot be cared for, or would be abused. There are also medical reasons, but that is another matter.

I love my daughter, but I had her because I wanted to finish the pregnancy. That was selfishness on my part. It nearly put me in my grave, too, because I was so sick from the pregnancy.

Adoption is not easy. It is the most difficult thing I've ever done. I do not recommend it. I reccomend you think about your options, your health, and the rest of your life.

P. S. There are no take backs. You can't just get a job, get your life together, and, then, turn around and ask for the child back. Once your give up your child, that's it. You may never see your child again. Depending on your state, you may not even have any right to have any contact with your child. Don't depend on the birthparents. They are notorously fickle. Bending over backwards to please you when you are pregnant, and running off with your child the second you hand your child over. Then not allowing you withing 50 yards of your own kid, even if you can find the child, who may not even know you exsist or may resent you for "abondoning" said child.

[josh1788smom]

I send you sympathies and support. I feel for you going through this. It is an awful feeling. You have been given a lot of great advice from the previous posters. They all mean well.

I 100% agree with Arruniel - the prospective aparents can treat you one way during pregnany and totally different once they have your child. It is not selfish to want to parent your own child.

I wish I had been stronger and fought my parents when they forced the adoption of my son by their relatives. I hate for anyone to feel like they have no other option. It is so unfair.

But I wanted to add - the placement of my son has been so much more difficult since I have had other children. My son is 18 - so I am that closed era but after abortion was legal - so not quite "the Girls that Went Away".

You still have time in your pregnancy - please sort out all possibilities. Research the options available to assist you so that any available resource is found. If you do place, at least you will not feel like you were forced to place because there was no way you could parent this child.

Best of luck to you - I wish you the very best.

[june]

Hi, I don't know your story but do you have to give up your baby? I gave up 2 daughters 21 years ago I'm 39 and just reunited with them 2 weeks ago. It was the greatest thing, but it was hell for 21 years. It hurts and you will always wonder about them. Like I said I don''t know your story, but personally I didn't have a choice in 1986, I didn't have any support system whatsoever, but if I could redo it, I would not have given them up...

[keds]

I agree with June. You have to make sure that you are comfortable with your decision for the REST of your life. I know it's difficult to think outside the "immediate" situation but you should try do to so. Adoption may be the best decision for you and your baby, or not, but you have to make sure. There are no "do-overs". If there is any doubt, seek counselling to confirm what your true wants/desires really are.