[Rylee45]

After you gave your child up for adoption and it was over did/do other family members tell you in spite of your pain over giving your child up that if one of their children got pregnant they'd make them give it up too?

Reason I ask is because I have a sister who got pregnant out of wedlock and kept her baby. She was 19at the time. She didn't get married or even have another boy friend until her son was almost 12 years old. His dad left her high and dry and alone raising her son.

She and I have talked many times and she insists that if her daughter (who is only 4 at this time) ever gets pregnant before marriage that she believes that adoption is the only way to deal with that "problem". And as long as her daughter is living in her home she will "do as she's told". If she choses to keep her baby if she gets pregnant then she will be kicked out of her home for rebellion.

She told me I should have made my youngest daughter give her baby up when she got pregnant because she was still living at home. But the thing is my daughter was 19 years old! I would not have made her give her baby up. If she couldn't handle it I would have taken the baby and raised it until she could feel she could handle it. It didn't come to that.

My sister had her son (who is 19 now) when she was 19years old. She wouldn't give him up for adoption because she didn't want to and didn't think since she was an adult that she should have to give her baby up.

It really upsets me thinking about her attitude. If I'd been able to keep my baby I would have. I loved my daughter before she was ever born. I never wanted to give her up and I begged in God every prayer I said (I prayed several times a day) that he'd help me find a way to keep my baby. It didn't happen obviously.

But my sister insists that she will not take care of her daughter's baby if she ever gets pregnant before she's married and she will make her give the baby up if she's still living at home with her when/if she gets pregnant.

I'm so opposed to adoption (because of my experiences) that hearing this from her just gets me so angry I don't even want to talk to her anymore. But I love my sister and I don't want to lose her but this comes up so often lately that I can't stand it.

My sister is well aware of my feelings. She had to deal with my outbursts and anger and depression all those years over losing my baby before I met her when she was 21.

She attributed my anger etc to not being able to just "move on and forget about her". She honestly thought I COULD forget about my baby. She kept telling me that I should just "get over it" because there's nothing I can do about it anymore and she's not going to change her mind about what she'll do if her daughter gets pregnant if she's still living at home.

I'm not even the one who brings the subject up when it's discussed. I don't like talking about adoption with her or other members of my family. They just don't understand how hard it was for me or how hard it is now.

Because of the way my daughter turned out everyone tells me that I'm "lucky" she moved away and doesn't talk to me anymore. Also sometimes I hear how I should stay away from her even if she comes back trying to contact me again, because she's just bad news and not worth the time.

I don't feel that way. I love her so much I can't stand it and being so distant and having no contact is a pain I can't get past. It's just so frustrating to hear all the stuff I have been hearing for so many years about how I should feel and shouldn't feel.

I hurt. I'm angry. I'm depressed. I had a hard life because of having to give my baby away. I never got over it. Never and I probably won't ever get over it.

Rylee

[bromanchik]

You can always offer assistance to your niece. Sounds like your sister had her own struggles being a single mom and does not want her daughter to experience that.

[josh1788smom]

I think people like to make absolutes about abstract circumstances. Like you said, your niece is 4; she cannot be pregnant now, so your sister can say a lot of things. Some of them are probably a little in her own human whatever it is that makes us angry, mean, less than supportive, etc. if you know what I mean.

I would just say next time she brings it up, "well since there is no way little girl can get pregnant now, let's cross that bridge when and if we come to it."

I am like you, because of my experiences, I am pretty against adoption. BUT (for all those waiting to jump on that line) I realize that cannot be an absolute statement, and I am sure there are circumstances when it is the best option.

[Emberbit]

As I’m not a b-mom yet, perhaps I shouldn’t butt in but as someone who parented a child at barely 18, it isn’t easy, even as a couple, let alone single. I couldn’t go to the college of my choice (despite a full scholarship) because what would I have done with the baby while I was in a dorm? How would I have worked enough to support her? There are government programs, yes, but they all suck. Munchkin’s first year, I kept messing up and making $50 of their monthly limit and then I would lose the food stamps I was using to buy formula…without actually making enough to buy the formula next month. “there’s assisted housing…but what they don’t tell you is that in most states, when you sign up for the assisted housing, you agree that a landlord can make surprise inspections and they will threaten you with an eviction notice if you so much as leave dirty dishes in the sink or don’t empty the diaper pail every evening. I was miserable for years and know what? I look at my 6-year-old and I’m not sure it was worth it. I went through years of depression and anxiety. Years of not knowing where or even when I would get my next meal…and that was as a couple… and not needing daycare because I worked nights and he worked days.

I’m still working through the repercussions of my decision to parent. I blame my mom frequently for my misery in those days and now because she didn’t’ offer the option to place and get to do the things that others my age were doing. Instead, she insisted that I could parent, only showing me those options. I say I made a choice to parent but really, I was forced into parenting much like many of you were forced into placing.

At 24, the ink is still wet on my associates. I can’t go out and enjoy myself like others my age but I don’t’ fit in at the parent groups either.

I’m not saying that placing then would have been better; there’s no way to know that, just as there’s no way for you to know that parenting would have been better. I’m saying that having not been in each other’s shoes, we can’t imagine what it was like to live with the other decision.

Perhaps, in the unhappy even that your niece has an unplanned pregnancy, you could offer your support in finding neutral counseling that will present all of her choices. So that she can make the decision she feels is best for her without too much pressure from anyone…

[Rylee45]

My sister knows her daughter is so young and I've tried that route with her about how long she (my little niece) has before she even knows what the difference between boys and girls are. My sister insists she won't change her mind about the adoption issue.

She saw me go through all the pain and anger and everything that I went through all those years. My sister was only 7 when I gave my daughter up. So she witnessed all the stuff I went through.

The thing with my sister is she never had to live alone with her son. She lived with my mom who took care of her son while she (my sister) went to school and work and out on dates etc. She never had to deal with the "single" life even though she was a single mom. She lived with my mom until she (my sister) got married. So she really doesn't have a clue as to what it's like to truely live as a "single mom".

Emberbit, I do understand your feelings and I agree it can be hard to raise a child as a single parent. It's difficult to go to college and all that too. I do understand that. But don't you see your child and just love him/her and couldn't see life without him/her? The struggles may have been many and your life might have been harder but isn't your love for your child huge?

I have a daughter who by no choice of her own became a single mom of two very active boys. They both have ADHD and nearly drive her crazy sometimes. Her husband left her for man. That devastated her to no end.

My daughter was depressed being thrown into that situation but she decided to stay on her own instead of coming home to live with me and got signed up for college classes and get a carreer. She knows it's going to take a lot more time to get through the courses with having to take care of her boys, work, and go to school but she has a goal.

She gets subsitized daycare from the state that pays everything but $50.00 to the daycare as long as she's working full time, which she does so she can keep a roof over her boys heads.

For the past almost 3 years she didnt' get any child support at all. She is finally starting to get it because the state tracted her ex-husband down and took it from his wages. He kept quitting jobs so they couldn't get the child support from him. He finally decided he couldn't live off his boyfriend anymore and has a steady job.

My daughter doesn't ask for help unless she really needs it, because she wants to be on her own and not depend on anyone unnecessarily. She isn't on welfare. She only has the state help with daycare. Because the state (I'm not sure if this is a federal program or not) has a "no child left behind" law, she gets medical coverage from the state because she doesn't have the option of it from her job for her children.

I'm very proud of my daughter. Yes she gets tired, depressed sometimes about what she can't do, and she isn't rich but she has a goal and she is doing it despite her situation. She loves her boys so much she would do anything for them. They're only 7 and 5 years old. I take care of them occasionally too because I like having them around and visiting with them.

But I do know it's tough to do things. But if a person chooses to parent their child rather than give it up for adoption, sure they give up stuff but there are options if you're in need. Maybe those options suck but they're there and in time you can reach a goal if you really set your mind to it.

If someone wants to give their child up for adoption and really means it and isn't forsed then they should do that. I just personally don't feel anyone should be forsed to give their baby up due to circumstances of finances or anything else that could be worked out. Adoption should be the very last last last option. Not the first. But as I said, if the girl really wants adoption and really doesn't want to parent her child and has nothing to do with "circumstance" then by all means go for it but do it with open eyes of what you'll be going through as a result of the adoption. I don't beleive anyone gets away without some degree of saddness giving their baby to someone else to raise.

I just pray my niece never gets pregnant before she's married or moved out of my sisters home. I don't know if a parent can actually forse a minor child to give the baby up and legally have it taken away or not. I sure hope not because that's exactly what my sister will do to her daughter. I just don't agree with being forsed to give a child up.

Rylee

[Emberbit]

From my research, depending on the state, a minor female can make the place/parent decision at age 14 or 16. Her parents cannot force the choice because in most states when a minor female over a certain age becomes pregnant, she is considered an adult for legal purposes regarding herself and the child, including ignoring child labor laws, applying for state assistance, and makign the choice to place/parent. Here's a funny loophole: if she chooses to parent, even if she's only 16, she is forever treated like an adult including being an independant student and not being able to be claimed on her parent's tax return (you cannot be claimed as a dependant if you can claim a dependant). However, if she places, she automatically reverts to her status as a minor. Strange, huh?

My daughter...sometimes I look at her and am glad she's here. Other times I look at the things that I may never have a chance at again, and I regret my choice. I love her, but was it worth it? I can't say for sure...how do you measure those things?

I just think that placing should be the decision of the expecting mother/parents, not their parents or society in general. I think somone should make sure they know that they can parent & how and let them decide if it's best for them.

[Rylee45]

Wow, that's definitely weird about the "adult status" thing. I had no idea about that. Do you know if that law is in Washington State?

Reason I ask is when my son's girlfriend got pregnant she was 17. She had their baby when she was 17 almost 18 and yet her dad insisted he could have her put in a juvenile home for going to stay with my son who was 18 at the time if she didn't get herself back home.

Since no one (including myself) knew one way or another she went back home to her dad's and stayed there.

Later, her dad decided to sign a paper for them to get married but then decided he didn't want them to when they actually went to do it. They did anyway without his knowledge. This all happened after the baby was born.

I'm just wondering if she could have married my son without her dad's signature on a piece of paper and he knew it but didn't want her to know so did the "sneaky" thing to get her thinking he had more control than she did. She was going to be 18 years old in 2 months after the baby was born.

Just wondering if she would have been considered an adult because she had the baby here in the State of Washington. That was 5 years ago.

Rylee

[Emberbit]

I'm at work now and the link for the state laws is in my favorites at home. I'll PM it to you later tonight.

[Rylee45]

Ok. Thanks. I'll be looking forward to getting the links.

Rylee

[SilverWitch]

"She attributed my anger etc to not being able to just "move on and forget about her". She honestly thought I COULD forget about my baby."

This is something I came up against with one of my sisters. She was totally insistant that I was being a fool, after all, my child was gone, grown and not mine!

Then, due to her irrisponsible drug addiction, the state took her three children from her. I had tried to help her and she was so afraid to "lose" her kids she would not let me.

She called me the night they came for them crying about how much it hurt and I was so angry that I was irrational. I asked her what did she think is was going to be like? and then said don't call me again, you threw them away, you had a choice.

Sometimes, I honestly wonder if anyone considers their actions and words. Especially those that have never had the experience or those that can't empathize with others. It is sad.

I don't know how you can deal with her, but I can say this, things change. She talks a big game now, but if it happens, it is a different thing.