[Rylee45]

Can someone tell me why that having the home study report or anything else to do with people that a bmom is going to place her child with if she approves the family isn't allowed to be shown her? Home study is mainly what I'm talking about and felony convictions.

I've been reading a few threads here and opinions of some who say they don't think a home study report, or criminal report, or that sort of things should be given to the bmom.

I'm kind of confused about why that would be an issue even with the "personal" questions that I guess are asked. If the aparents don't have anything to hide why do they care if you know EVERYTHING about them?

Sure a felony conviction could sway the decision of the bmom but as it was stated somewhere, that should be her right to decide one way or the other about where her child goes. JMHO

I guess I just see having everything, intimate or not given to the bmom should be her right if she's really going to have open eyes about where her child is going to go and who the child will be raised with.

Also, I thought that bmoms going into open adoption would know the aparents full names and address and even visit the home their child will be going to before deciding where to place their child. Am I wrong about that information?

As you know, I gave my daughter up 31 years ago and was in a closed adoption with no knowlege personally of who the people where that she'd be raised by.

The week before my daughter was placed, the adad was in jail for assult. He and his wife had abuse issues between them but still were able to adopt my daughter because the agency decided they were "fit" to raise my daughter. They eventually were divorced due to abuse and other "issues".

If I'd had the choice as to where she was going and had been strong enough at the time, I would have insisted on knowing everything there was to know about them and see where they lived. Gotten their full names and everything. Otherwise I would not have placed my child with anyone unless I was able to get that information.

However, that's a "20/20" hindsite. But as I feel right now with everything I've gone through and everything I've read and all the comments pro and con about adoption, that's something I would insist on having. Otherwise, no way I'd give my baby up if that were something I would be going through now.

Rylee

[txrnr]

I'm not sure a bmother should have complete access to the homestudy. If she knows the parents have good jobs and can provide for the child, does she really need to know the exact amount of $ they make? And not all open adoptions are completely open. Some letters go through social workers, or some just have e-mail contact to start with. Maybe some aren't comfortable with their addresses being disclosed, or the complete names of family members that show up in the homestudy. Adoptive parents don't get all that information either. Just like not every adoptive parent is perfect, neither is every bparent. If bdad has had a drug habit, the bfamily certainly doesn't want him showing up on the door asking for money or what not...

Of course, I agree that bparents need as much information as possible to make an informed decision. Anyone can be made to look good on paper. When it comes down to it I think you take the information you have and make a decision based on faith. What someone has today can all be gone tomorrow.

[billysmommy]

I personally, did not have any objection to our homestudy being shared with my children's first family. Our social worker had 2 copies written actually - one included all the specifics (family names, addresses, social security numbers, etc), and the other was the same information about us without those details.

I think that an expectant parent should have access to anything she requests of the potential adoptive family. If they are not comfortable sharing it, then perhaps it is not the right match.

[loveajax]

I would not want certain information to be shared from my homestudy. Especially, e.g., my full name, my social security number and address. Why would a woman just contemplating whether to match with us or not need that information? Other stuff, medical, criminal convictions, obviously I think she should know.

PS: I should add that that info was "redacted" from the stuff that we were given by the agency about DD's birth parents (as it should have been).

[bajj]

I have mixed feelings about this. I mean, I think definitely felony or any criminal report needs to be made available.

I do not have a problem with my boys birthmoms having information. Where I start getting mixed up in my feelings is, how many people would my info be given to that doesn't actually need it? People who decide to parent or decide to place with someone else.

I believe the agency I work with does not give our homestudy out, but they do share any non-idenitfying information in it.

I don't know, the whole thing confuses me. Yes, I feel an emom considering me should have a lot of information on me. At the same time, my homestudy contains my home address, my first and last name, my salary, my debt, my intimate life with my hubby, etc. I am not sure I would want just anyone looking at all of that, kwim? So, I am just a bundle of mixed up emotions when it comes to this question.

[thanksgivingmom]

Speaking as a bmom, I don't NEED to see a lot of that information (that's just me). Your SS# doesn't effect how you'll raise my daughter. Without promting or asking, DD's mom assured me that DD would be well provided for financially - but I don't need an exact number, that's not really my place.

I've heard of some VERY personal homestudies, and I think that there is information that just isn't pertinent (for me) as to how DD would be raised. Especially if an emom is looking at it before it's a possible match. Maybe if an emom is between two families more information could be requested, but as far as just leafing through materials I don't think the super personal is necessary.

Again, I do NOT speak for all bmoms, just me!

[bajj]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Speaking as a bmom, I don't NEED to see a lot of that information (that's just me). Your SS# doesn't effect how you'll raise my daughter. Without promting or asking, DD's mom assured me that DD would be well provided for financially - but I don't need an exact number, that's not really my place.

I've heard of some VERY personal homestudies, and I think that there is information that just isn't pertinent (for me) as to how DD would be raised. Especially if an emom is looking at it before it's a possible match. Maybe if an emom is between two families more information could be requested, but as far as just leafing through materials I don't think the super personal is necessary.

Again, I do NOT speak for all bmoms, just me!

I think that is what I was trying to say. That while I do see where some personal info would be necessary, there's so much in it that I think wouldn't be.

We had to have a 4 hour psych eval to be approved the first time. Emoms didn't get to see that, but then again, neither did we! The psychologist said it was in the contract that no one was allowed to see the results, including the SW, which blew the SW away! They were given a summary and we were given a summary of their sumary!

I would think an Emom who was considering more than one family or who was even seriously considering us might like to see that info, you know? However, they aren't allowed to. Of course, at least in this case it is not discrimination since we weren't allowed to see it, either.

[Rylee45]

I do agree on some points you've made here about not needing a social security number as a thing that determines the "fitness" in the eyes of a bmom in her decision. I don't think anything like SS#'s should be given out either. By EITHER party.

I also agree that too personal (sex life) isn't her business either. But other personal things, well, I don't know. I originally felt in my last post that personal information should be disclosed but I just don't know what kind of things go on in a home study so I should probably check that out more carefully before deciding really what I think should be or not be given the bmom of a home study.

I'm more thinking that the bmom should know full names and addresses in an open adoption. Not having those only makes it easier for the aparents to drop out of sight if they don't want to deal with the bmom anymore for less than reasonalbe reasons (ie: child getting to close to bfamily and jealousy sets in with afamily).

I just always thought "open" adoption was just that. "Open". Everyone knew everything about everyone involved. Where they lived. What their full names were. That sort of thing. Not to have that gives no security to the bmom at all. In my opinion. She should have absolute security in her decision to give her baby to a family.

Knowing the mental state of a family should also be dislosed. I think if a family has a person who has any kind of mental problems that could effect the child negatively, the bmom should know about that too.

Criminal records should be disclosed too. I know this sounds maybe kind of ridiculous but if a family is willing to disclose everything about themselves and be honest and up front with the bmom, regardless of the criminal history she might think more towards them as "trustworthy" and their record might not really make a difference in whether she would place her child with them. Depending of course on what the criminal history is. But that's just my opinion.

I don't know what's all involved in a home study so maybe SOME of the things aren't necessary to know about but if it could affect the child in any negative way, then the bmom should know everything so she can make an informed decision for her child.

I guess I see if a family wants to adopt a child in an open adoption situation and is afraid to give their full names or address or anything like that, then maybe they shouldn't adopt a child where the bmom wants that information.

Sure there could be people in the bfamily who would disrupt things and cause problems but I'm pretty sure that's a very rare thing considering how many people adopt children and how few "horror" stories there are concerning that kind of thing going on.

Being afraid of that kind of thing happening as a reason to keep the bmom in the dark about her child is kind of unreasonable (in my opinion). If that's such a strong fear, then maybe an open adoption isn't the right thing for those people. I don't know.

I just think bmom's should know all available information so they can truely make a decision that's best for her and her baby.

Worrying about what "might" happen if information is given out or names and addresses are given out just hampers the ability to be relaxed and calm for the child's sake.

Worrying about that is like deciding not to get on an airplane or a train because there "might" a plane crash, or train derailment. Those things are so infrequent that it's not worth the worry. Just enjoy the ride.

I think just raising the child in a good atmosphere and loving home and if it's an open adoption just letting the bmom be part of the family too and not worrying about what "might" happen would be the best thing a family could do for the child. Everyone would be happy and the child would be adopted and you'd have the family you wanted.

Rylee

[bajj]

Here I am, butting in again!

I wanted to share a bit about our homestudy process. I can see why full names should be disclosed in a fully open adoption. I can not see, however, why they should be shared before the adoption. My thinking in this is there are too many scammers out there who are not legitimate emoms. KWIM?

I have given my children's Bmom my name. I have given my oldest child's my name and address and phone number. I don't have any contact info on her, she prefers I send stuff to the agency. She didn't want our info for a long time either, but that was for some safety (not from us) for her as well as our child and I won't get into that.

My homestudy consisted of a 4 hour psyche eval and I do agree the emoms should have been given info about that. Of course, I would have liked to have seen the results myself!

It also consisted of a huge amount of paperwork. Writing an autobiography in which I had to give a detailed account of my life. I had to have a criminal background check. They ran our names through Child Protective Services to see if there were any reports on us.

We had several visits with the SW, but only one was an in home visit. We were asked about how we manage arguments. If we have a support system and who they are. What we do with major disagreements (how to decide or compromise what we're going to do). We had to tell about our sex life, and yes, down to x number of times per week/month, etc.

We had to have references, 1 from employers, 2 from friends, 1 from each set of parents, our preacher and an elder at church.

We had to give detailed information on our finacial situation and update that whenever it changed.

I do believe the expectant Mothers should have access to everything except our sexual life. I think that's just a bit too personal.

I do think if they are just considering, maybe not giving them exact finacial numbers but maybe they have around x amount of debt and make x amount of money.

I don't feel I have anything to hide. I don't give my SSN out to anyone and do agree that is not necessary for and Emom or my children's First mom's to know.

I like this thread, btw. It gets me to thinking!

[TexasPuppy]

I am a birthmom and when I read on this forum that someone with lots of felonies was able to adopt, I kinda freaked and the thread I started came about.

My adoption was very much closed and I did not have any information about any of it until 18 years later when I contacted the agency and at that point they gave me a letter with non-identifying info. And that info was only up to when she was placed with her adoptive family. It told of high school graduates, grandparents that were still alive, another adopted sibling in the house, and that there was a house.

At the time I relinquished, I never even thought to ask any questions. I was told I would sign the papers, and the rest would be taken care of by the agency. I never felt I could have anything to do with where my child ended up or with who. I would have loved to know what kind of family my child was going to. I believe that birthmoms in almost any adoption situation should be given non-identifying information to view and then when she narrows it down to one or two families she should be able to view psych evaluations (even the summaries would be helpful), she should be told of criminal records and be able to read any letters that explain these records, and the thought of being able to read autobiographies about the aparents would just top it all off. As far as knowing how much money aparents make/have, I would assume that they would not be trying to adopt if they could not afford to take on the expense. I have never had lots of money but that does not make me less of a parent than someone who has lots.

I know I can look back now and think of all kinds of questions that I should have asked but know that as a birthmom recently in reunion (no face to face yet) I am asking questions now. Better late than never.

These are just my thoughts and opinions. Sorry to offend anyone.

Thanks for listening.

[bajj]

(((((((TexasPuppy))))))))

You didn't offend me.

I agree, even the summary would've been helpful. I know all we got from our psyche eval was, "There were no problems found which would prevent these people from parenting a child." I'm not sure how helpful that would be, unless of course, you take into account that we did spend 4 hours in a psychologist office doing test after test after test. However, not all agencies require psych evals for homestudies.

[Vogi2002]

I am the same as many others, I think that a "seperate" homestudy should be filled out, or at least parts taken out to make a "emom homestudy". I don't agree with sharing everything, but let me tell you our homestudy was personal (like sex life question personal....). Plus I just don't feel like giving out all that information to an expectant mother all at once, in writing, is neccessary. I mean, I understand her wanting to know about our marriage, struggles, etc, BUT a lot of those things are so personal and heart wrenching...like my dh talking about his infertility. He is not an "open book" per say and wouldn't be comfortable sharing this info with anyone but me and the SW because she had to have it. KWIM?

I DO think it would show a great side of him, or a deeper side that an emom could use in her decision, but it should be his decision on if it was shown or not. It shouldn't be forced....I don't know...

Criminal history? Sure...debt to income RATIO (not exact numbers) okay, DEFINETELy a big section on parenting and beliefs and your marriage, including future plans and an "openness" page.

[loveajax]

TexasPuppy, it is still incredible to me that birth moms did not get to choose their children's adoptive familes. My DH is an adoptee (he is 41) and he and his 2 sibs lived in foster care (in domestic infant adoption situations) before they were placed with his parents. Pretty crazy, I think.

Btw, when we met with DD's birth mom when we were "matched," she "GRILLED" us. Ohmigosh!!! And I left there going, "that is EXACTLY what I want for DD."

[lahdh4]

The thing that bothers me about this whole thing is that the paparents get to see all of the paperwork that we fill out. What does it matter how many kids my brother has? What does it matter how many siblings my parents had? yet here I am with only knowing their first names.
We met them before we decided and amom kept asking questions about the information that bdad had written down (does it really matter if they are not religious if he is Wiccan?)
I mean they knew sooo much about us and we only knew what we had from their profile. I don't see how that is fair and how an expectant mother is suppossed to make an informed decision that will affect her life and the life of her child.

[bajj]

I didn't get to see paperwork that my boys first mom's filled out, except for what was filled out for me. I can see why that would bother you. It isn't right.