[Rylee45]

Wow, the questions on sex life from the agency is, well, a bit TOO much to be asking by the SW. What does it matter how many times a week you are having sex?

That seems a bit much to ask. If the aparents have gone to doctors and have it in writing that they are unable to have children due to infertility or whatever, then showing that to the SW or person who does the home study should be good enough. The bmom doesn't need to know that either.

I don't think my daughter's aparents were given all the information about me or my daughters bdad even though they knew it all. I believe they knew were I was all those years even though I wasn't allowed to know where they were. It was too much a coincidence that the day that my daughter decided she was going to push for information from the courts, that her adad found me the very NEXT day. He hadn't known about her already going to the agency and getting no information.

Reason I say I don't think they knew everything was my daughter ended up having bi-polor disorder. She was somewhat of a handful (from what I've been told) while she grew up and her admom told her a lot that if she'd known that my daughter's family had history of mental illness she'd never have adopted her.

My daughter's bdad's family had 3 brothers who were in mental institutions for one reason or another for mental illness. He also had bi-polor disorder (it was called something different back then I think) in the family history.

We have bi-polor in our family history as well and all that was disclosed in the paperwork we filled out when I first went into the foster home for unwed mothers.

So, I'm pretty sure they weren't informed that there were those kinds of things they'd possibly be dealing with with my daughter and they weren't prepared I guess for dealing with it. They had mental issues of their own.

I just think everyone should have information available (within reason) so they can all make informed decisions about adoption, either adopting or giving for adoption.

Rylee

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

The thing that bothers me about this whole thing is that the paparents get to see all of the paperwork that we fill out. What does it matter how many kids my brother has? What does it matter how many siblings my parents had? yet here I am with only knowing their first names.
We met them before we decided and amom kept asking questions about the information that bdad had written down (does it really matter if they are not religious if he is Wiccan?)
I mean they knew sooo much about us and we only knew what we had from their profile. I don't see how that is fair and how an expectant mother is suppossed to make an informed decision that will affect her life and the life of her child.

I really wonder if this is yet another area where there needs to be some standards set. Our situation seems quite the opposite experience from yours and it makes me curious to know why there's such varying degrees of information depending on the situation.

Our profile, pictures and entire homestudy as paparents was given to any expectant parent whose criteria we matched, who wanted to see it. I don't have a problem with that although thinking back that was alot of people with alot of our personal information, people who we have no clue about to this day. But the eparents had EVERYTHING that we said, wrote and was written, said about us by SW and references... everything.

And we didn't get any information in writing, or forms filled out by the expectant mother/parents until after the revoc period was over. And the info we were given verbally was minimal compared with what was included in these forms. We learned a lot about their situations way after the fact and still enduring some ramifications of all of it.

I too found it hard to believe that knowing the exact ages of all my nieces and nephews, and the health of my sibling's marriages and their religious affiliation and their criminal records seemed a bit much. A lot much. Us and maybe even our parents I can understand, but the rest was way too much information IMO. And I don't know if everyone does this, but I made darn sure that my sibs and DH's too, knew that these questions were being asked of us and they gave their permission for it.

Ironically though, even though much of this process left us feeling so very naked and exposed some of the more crisis based things in our family were the things that at least for Bug's MOm, drew her to us. We weren't perfect. We understood loss and a little family dysfunction. She actually liked that about us! SO it worked out for us but ...

This whole process is really one of risk and exposure for all parties isn't it?

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Rylee45

I just think everyone should have information available (within reason) so they can all make informed decisions about adoption, either adopting or giving for adoption.

I agree. This is the bottom line.

[bajj]

Rylee, we were told the intimate questions were to make sure we related well as a couple. Not anything to do with fertility issues. I do agree, it is a bit much and was rather uncomfortable discussing! I would imagine we could be judged w/o those details, but then, I'm not a SW or a counselor.

[Leigh131313]

I live in the same province as Tammy - and we used the same private agency.


Our homestudy is not really made up to decide whether we are fit or not to adopt - it is a gathering of our information that is made specifically to be shown to eparents.

There is nothing about our sex lives - or anything about my brother marriage/criminal history (not that he has one, he doesn't - but we were never asked) I think that may have been something you were asked through the gov't, Tammy.

All our homestudy is, is really a run down of our lives. Who we are on paper....nothing overly personal.


I have no issue with people reading this - I'm not crazy about the idea that they aren't always returned (you send off like 12 copies and you are lucky to get any back) but I don't mind in fact I expect eparents to know all this stuff before chosing (or not chosing) me.

[Teresa K]

I feel basic health info should be given to "bparents". I was only told what was in the profile, which was how long they were married and dating. After I absorbed some I realized there were nieces and nephews, yet an only brother who was not married. That didn't effect parenting at all, but showed there was a divorce, which also wouldn't have mattered, it was just one more lie.

As far as homestudies, I was asked by the 'amom' how many times I have "sex" outside of marriage, what would that matter. Obviously once. I submitted to drug tests, that was not a problem, they saw everything I was not on, and all the illegal drugs I do not take. I feel adoptive parents should submit the same. I do understand some meds are needed, but I also feel I had the right to know to make an informed decision. But then again, I was told they wanted a child and as long as the adoptive mother didn't risk her life, and the children were healthy all was good.

I do not feel potential birth parents should see the SS# or address. I DO definitely feel potential aparents should not be allowed to say they live in a small city, when in fact they live in a town of less than 300 people. I was lied to about the location which I could probably accept, other than the fact there is a HUGE difference between facts and reality.

Another thing..not everyone gets Medicaid (or whatever your state calls it). I had a new car paid for, and other income. I was not eligible. I keep seeing on this site every pregnant woman is eligible, this is NOT true. Assets will determine, if a potential birth mother has a new car, or recreational vehicles, most often she isn't. I dealt with this also and was told to quickly sign over everything 'because I could be stuck with the bill". I was stuck with the bill. Long story.

Enough ranting..be honest, cross off personal info and explain why. Most of us are reasonable enough to understand protecting privacy.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

There is nothing about our sex lives - or anything about my brother marriage/criminal history (not that he has one, he doesn't - but we were never asked) I think that may have been something you were asked through the gov't, Tammy.

You're right Leigh, as always! Now that I think about it, it's all a big ole jumbled mess of questions to me now. The govt homestudy was much more intrusive.

My biggest point about this however was that we received what I felt was very little info about the eparents and their lives, even the pregnancy history. Maybe we just didn't ask the right questions. I guess it ended up being a good thing in the end, as some of the stuff we learned later may have kept us from the matches that led to Bug and Roo joining our lives. That would have been sad. But it still would have been nice to know ahead of time. It's taken alot of time for me to come to terms with all that has happened. But they are what they are and we are privileged to be parents to our kids. Just wanted to give a different side where paparents also deal with less than full disclosure. It's not right. But it happens.

[Leigh131313]

We were actually blatantly lied to by the agency about a few things...Luckily, M's birthmom was very honest with us right from the start, and we were able to make our decision based on facts (as was she!!)

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

We were actually blatantly lied to by the agency about a few things...Luckily, M's birthmom was very honest with us right from the start, and we were able to make our decision based on facts (as was she!!)

Other way around here... I was just coming back to post after signing off because I wanted to make sure I made it clear that it wasn't completely the agency's fault. I think they gave me what they knew at the time. After the fact, the truth came out in bits and pieces and we've been dealing with the consequences ever since. Yes, you were lucky with M's birthmom.

[loveajax]

There's another sort of "dilemma" here and that is that the agencies really play on the "marketing" angle. I mean we have all seen those super professional "marketing" pieces (letters and profiles, etc...I won't lie that we were trying to "look as good" as we could!). The reality is is that on both sides, the info is only as good as the "reporters" make it, and I think sometimes both potential a parents and expecting parents want to look their "best." The reality is is that everyone is human, every one has skeletons, everyone can change, etc. Not that that means everyone shouldn't be honest, important info revealed, etc.

[JPDakota]

We did not adopt in an open adoption. If the potential birth mother wanted to see our homestudy, we simply would not have been shown to her. That is no criticism about a potential birth mother. She has every right to ask to see whatever makes her comfortable. And we, likewise, had every right to ask for what we wanted to see. If the potential birth mother isn't comfortable providing the information requested by the potential parents, then she can choose not to surrender her child to them.
We asked for a rather detailed medical history and received that. She asked for 5 references with details about why we would be good parents and she received that. In my way of thinking people need to do what they're comfortable with. My opinion is that we don't need more laws governing these things.

[MommaKatja]

JPDakota
I think you are right if a emom wants more than pa-parents are willing or comfortable with they should not be presented to each other and vice versa.
However I disagree with the premise that laws aren't needed to govern these things. Not laws saying what a pa-parent must show to emoms but laws saying that agencies can't withhold or lie about these things.

[jaenelle]

Perhaps this is coming from wishing we had any contact with Yuna's birthparents so we could have asked them if there was anything they wanted to know about us, but I'm all for anything that would make a potential birthmom more comfortable with her decision to place her child with a particular person/couple.

If that means she wants to see financial information, fine. Medical history, fine. Anything else, fine -- if the adoptive parents consent to letting that be seen. If the adoptive parents don't want her to see something that she wants to see, then they aren't the right family for her child. For example, if a potential birthmom wanted very detailed financial information, and the potential adoptive parents weren't okay with that for whatever reason, they just would not be shown to her. That would be their choice -- BUT they would know that with every thing they chose not to share, their wait was likely to be longer.

I certainly think things like child abuse or any kind of criminal charge or conviction, no matter how minor, should be shown to potential birthmoms in all cases. If a charge is minor or not related to children in any way, she still may feel fine placing with those people. If charges/convictions are more major or repeated, she may decide she isn't comfortable with it. That should be her right.

While things like exact finances may not have as much relevance (some people have lots of money but lots of debt, for example; others don't make much but live very frugally and have plenty left over to raise a child well) things like a debt-to-income ratio would give the overall picture without actually giving exact numbers.

I think I am for anything that makes birthparents and adoptive parents a better match, and one of the best ways I think that could be done is if more information is shared, according to what they both want to be shared.