[Rylee45]

I've been reading a lot of stuff here from all sides of the triad and have learned a few things. But I've got a question to birth moms about something.

Do those of you who had a closed adoption like I did, feel it would have been easier to know the new parents or to leave it as it was? I'm talking about not knowing anything more than there were couples waiting to start a family verses knowing WHO the family was.

I didn't have the opportunity to choose a family for my daughter to go to. That was all done for me but the thing I felt by the end of the pregnancy was I really had no choice because there was a family that had no children who desperately wanted to adopt a baby.

I couldn't back down hearing that so much. I thought I had to give my baby to a couple who "needed" a baby to have a family because I could have other children someday, which is what was pounded into my head the whole time I was in the unwed mother's home.

I sometimes think knowing who was going to adopt my baby would have been easier but then I think, sometimes having the new parents taking my baby from the hospital would have been harder on me. I don't know.

I do know I would have liked to know where my daughter was all those years and if she was ok and all that stuff. I just don't know what would have been better.

Another question, do you think it would be harder for someone to back out of an adoption if they had the new prosepctive parents there?

I think having a conscience and not wanting to hurt the new parents it would have been even harder to back out for me even though it was still hard even thinking about the new family my daughter was going to go to.

Does anyone have any thoughts about the pros or cons or guilty feelings if you wanted to keep your baby, of knowing who the new family is and names and faces and all that especially when they can uproot your child in an open adoption and you could possibly never see them again? I'm just curious. It's been on my mind a lot lately.

Rylee

[kune]

This has been discussed on previous threads. A poster - bromanchick - has quite definite thoughts on prospective adoptive parents being present at the birth - and forming a relationship with the birthmother prior to birth. She feels that there is some compulsion on the part of the birthmother to take into account the p/adoptive parents needs. While I didn't originally agree with her, I can see from many posts that there is/was a committment to go through with placement even if the Mommy had second thoughts at birth. S0....yes I do think some mothers are caught between a rock and a hard place.

She (Bromanchick) also advocates waiting until the birthmother has recovered from birthing - has time with the child and has time to evaluate the impact of adoption before taking the child from the Mom's arms and placing baby in the arms of the adoptive family. Again, after my own experience back in the 60's - 70's era, and from posts by birthmothers on the forum, I think there is need for time to make a final decision recognising that it will be life-long - possibly with a counsellor present to help her make the decision that will be right for her and for the child.

Here in my country there is Guardianship. It's close to fully open adoption - can not be closed, and is an agreement made between the couples where they (prospective parents) are awarded Guardianship of the child, but the birthfamily also have agreed access rights - it is seldom used - often family members stand up and provide the Guardianship. I think it is preferable to open-adoption as at any time if the birthparent/s feel they are able to take over the responsibility of the child, the two parties are brought to the table and together they make a decision that will be upheld by a court - always looking at the best interests of the child. If no agreement is reached, the courts appoint a child advocate who will make a recommendation - either continue the guardianship for another set time or the parties can reach an amicable decision and a change will be affected. Again.....if it is in the child's best interests.

Ann

[kakuehl]

Rylee,
I have thought about your question in my own situation, debating with myself (LOL) whether or not it would have been better for me.

First, I need to say that I was NOT coerced into choosing adoption. At the same time, having chosen adoption, other people made some decisions for me that I regret. At the moment of birth I was given anesthesia so that I do not remember his actual birth (I remember pushing!) and he was removed from the room before I regained consciousness. My mother and I did walk down to the nursery (with my Dad trailing disapprovingly behind - he believed seeing D would make it harder for me, and now that I think about it, harder for Mom) to see D. (Dad's comment- he's jaundiced. Gotta love doctors.) I also gave everyone in the agency heart failure by insisting that I see him before I signed the final papers. That was the only time I actually held him.

I wasn't given a choice about aparents, but the agency frankly did a good job matching D and his parents. (Although it seemed to me at the time they were most concerned about matching physical features, our backgrounds, educational levels, value systems, etc. match very well. I've laughed at some of D's frustrations growing up and told him he wouldn't have fared any differently in my household.) I don't know how well I'd have done, chosing D's parents myself.

I do regret that he was placed in foster care for most of his first month of life. His parents did not get him until Halloween (he was born 10/4) after I had signed the final papers. Whether or not I could have handled placing him in his new parents' arms, I still wish he had gone directly to his parents from the hospital.

I truly don't know how I would have dealt with an open adoption, or how D's mother would have dealt with my periodic meltdowns. (I'm not quite sure how my DH dealt with them.) It would certainly have helped to know he was alive a thriving. (Pictures would have been great.) I don't think I ever questioned my decision to place him even though the grief was incredibly intense over the years. I honestly can't decide if an open adoption would have helped.

I don't think I would have felt forced to place because I knew them. I placed because I believed that he deserved to have parents who were more than ready to have a family and to give him the love and attention he deserved. My mother pointed out that there were NO guarantees that I would be able to have a child when I was ready (not that I believed her, LOL). Had I been convinced that raising him myself would have been the best solution, I would have done that. (As my mom said, once I make up my mind, you don't change it!)

I don't know that my thoughts are helpful. (I've been up for over 24 hours, so I don't know how coherent I'm being!!!)

[Rylee45]

Thanks for the coments. They make a lot of sense.

Since joining this group here and reading so much about other's feelings etc, it really has helped me understand a lot more.

I'm not saying that I agree with some of the things that I've read on some of the threads, but I do feel I'm understanding things better and how people's minds work.

I don't always agree with things but that's ok as long as I'm learning.

Too many years I've been angry with the adoption and how things went. I have to get past the anger so I can stop having the nightmeres or other emotional things related to the adoption.

Sometimes I wonder why after all these years I can't just let it go. It's been 31 years and sometimes I see the whole situation in my mind playing like a movie of that nursing going to hand my daughter to me and the doctor yelling NO she's giving it up for adoption and then watching them carry my baby out without letting me see her.

I didn't know I had the right to see her anytime I wanted before I signed the papers. I never had a clue. The agency told me that they didn't like the girls to see their babies until they were 24 hours old and less swollen from the birthing process. I wish I'd known I could have gone to see her anytime I wanted to while I was in the hospital. I'd have been there every single chance I had.

Rylee