[Rylee45]

I'm just wondering about those who gave children up in the 70's or earlier (or even later for closed adoptions), if you ever got counseling right after giving your child up or even before giving them up.

I was in a foster home when I gave my daughter up. The agency pretty much just cut me loose after my 6 weeks check up, told me to go home and "forget" about the baby and "go on with life" as if it hadn't happened.

They never checked back with me to see if I was ok or if I needed anything and never offered counseling to help me though the grief.

The agency that I dealt with had classes to help us know what birthing was going to be like. Spiritual lessons about why we should give our child up. And that sort of thing prior to the adoption.

However, they didn't give us any warning about how painful it was going to be or how long that pain would last. We weren't prepared for that at all or given the chance to talk about it afterwards.

One thing that I remember was my foster mother telling me, "Get over it! The baby is gone and there's nothing you can do about it so just get over it!".

This was during a time when I had just found out that my daughter was placed with her new family and I was talking to my mother on the phone and crying about it.

I had to stay in the foster home (or as they called it "unwed mother's home) until my 6 weeks check up at the doctor then I was sent home.

During that time I cried a lot and my foster mother was angry because she couldn't understand why I didn't just get over it and go on after all, "there was nothing I could do about it".

I wish I could have gotten counseling and been able to deal with it better.

I know that they probably offer counseling more these days to the girls giving their babies up. I don't know though. I just know there's no pain I've ever felt that has been deeper than what I feel about my daughter being given up for adoption.

The worst part of this now is having my grandchildren who had loved me and I loved them, whom I'd held and taken care of often, taken out of my life along with my daughter, when her adoptive mom decided she didn't want me around "her" daughter anymore.

It was like going through the adoption all over again only this time losing 3 instead of just my daughter again. The pain is nearly unbarable.

Rylee

[BrandyHagz]

Rylee,

I don't think this is something that is 'unique' to closed adoption.

I placed 11 years ago - like you, I had no counseling or services offered to me, post placement.

When I started having some 'issues' 4 or so years ago, I contacted the agency I used and they advised me, they don't offer services to first parents after placement.

However, they did offer to find a therapist for me, at my own expense.

[Rylee45]

Did you take them up on their offer to help you with a counselor? I don't think the agency that I dealt with would have paid for counseling either. They never offered it or suggested anything.

Rylee

[BrandyHagz]

No, I didn't. I ended up finding someone on my own. I have, thankfully, been lucky.

I've seen two therapist since placement - both have specialized in adoption issues (both in the adoptee and first parent arena)...both have been amazing.

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

No, I didn't. I ended up finding someone on my own. I have, thankfully, been lucky.

I've seen two therapist since placement - both have specialized in adoption issues (both in the adoptee and first parent arena)...both have been amazing.

Brandy,

You are very fortunate to have found therapists specializing in adoption issues. I have searched for such a therapist in my area and have been unable to find one. I finally started looking for some one who specialized in grief counseling. I did talk to a counselor at an adoption agency over the phone, when I was searching for a therapist. When she asked me "why now?" when I was describing my grief after reunion, I realized that she had NO knowledge of what first mother's are faced with and that she and other counselors working for adoption agencies could not help me.

Rylee45,

Your experiences are very common. I received no real post relinquishment counseling other than "don't let the door hit you in the rear on the way out." Even today, I am very suspicious of the counseling offered by agencies to mothers both pre and post relinquishment. Agencies have an agenda, and I believe that they are going to promote their agenda. It is my guess that few agencies employ therapists who understand the issues that first mothers will face post relinquishment and during reunion. It simply isn't their focus (their focus is pre-relinquishment), and they have little motivation to provide that type of service. I would look for independent counselors, and if you can't find a therapist who specializes in first mother counseling, then I would look for a grief counselor.

Hugs to you,

[Rylee45]

Yes that was pretty much mine too. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out" thing.

I will be looking for a counselor this week. I don't know why I have had so many issues this past few weeks concerning adoption. I just wish I could understand why now.

You're also right about the agenda. I know they have agendas. I could go on and on about my thinking on that issue.

Rylee