[ateeamom]

I am 36 years old and found out last week that I am adopted. Through 2 wonderful search angels, I was able to find my birthmom's name and current address within hours of posting my information online! Amazing! Now comes the hard part- contact. From everything I've read, a letter seems to be the best way to introduce myself rather than a phone call. I don't want to disrupt her life, especially if she hasn't told her husband and kids. So I created a "geneological request" type letter that is generic enough to not be questioned by her husband as suspicious, but detailed enough for her to know who I am without a doubt and contact me if she wishes too. Would some of you lend me your expertise as birthmothers and let me know what you think about the letter? Should I change anything? I don't want to scare her off.


Dear ***,

My name is ***. I was born into the (my adoptive surname) family on
January 18, 1971 and have recently become interested researching my geneological
background. After visiting with my father in (town I was born in) this past week, I learned of
the possibility of a connection to the (bmom's maiden name) family on my mother’s side. Your information
came up during an internet search of that surname, and I hope you can provide me with
some clues to help complete my family tree. So far, this is the tree I’ve been able to
construct from the (bmom's maiden name) side of the family:

(Here I inserted a family tree, including bmom's parents, siblings, husband, children, and grandchildren)


If you are willing to share any additional information, I would really appreciate hearing
from you, as this search has become very important to me. If none of the information I
have provided is familiar to you, please let me know immediately so I can continue my
search elsewhere. You can reach me at:
(address, phone, email)


Sincerely,

[InBlindFaith]

Are you wanting to get to know your birthmom or are you just wanting the family tree?

I wouldn't worry about your birthmother's husband and/or children reading your letter. So if you are wanting to get to know her then write from the heart and include a picture. Let her know you would love to hear from her, etc.

A handwritten letter from the heart would certainly get her attention.

[katlyn]

First let me say that as a bmom, I would have probably been absolutely floored if I got a letter from my bdaughter. I would have been happy beyond words. However, I know for some bmoms who have not told family members, this may not be the case. For me, I believe you have done an excellent job in keeping this letter discreet enough for only a bmom to figure it out and yet made it very obvious you want and desire contact with her. I will keep you in my prayers and I hope that your bmom welcomes you and contact with you with open arms. Keep us posted!

[ateeamom]

InBlindFaith- I want to get to know my bmom and I definitely do worry about disrupting her entire life by possibly revealing a secret she has kept from her family. That is why I think a more discreet letter that only she will be able to "decode" is the way to go. My guess is that hearing from me will be emotional enough, without adding the stress of her family member's not finding out on her terms. And when you say write from the heart, I don't even know if I could do that. I don't even know what's in my heart really. It's all so numbing and scary.

Katlyn- Thanks for the prayers! I definitely need them!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by ateeamom

I am 36 years old and found out last week that I am adopted. Through 2 wonderful search angels, I was able to find my birthmom's name and current address within hours of posting my information online! Amazing! Now comes the hard part- contact. From everything I've read, a letter seems to be the best way to introduce myself rather than a phone call. I don't want to disrupt her life, especially if she hasn't told her husband and kids.

My name is ***. I was born into the (my adoptive surname) family on January 18, 1971 and have recently become interested researching my geneological background.

Firstly, I think its to be admired that you have only just found out you are adopted and you have immediately gone into search for your bmother. That moves me, very much. As a bmom 15 months into reunion these are my thoughts of your letter.

I would keep it very very simple and leave out the bit about family tree. As already said, it comes across as if you are doing a project rather than contacting your birthmother and I feel any bmother reading it would feel hurt and it may even put them off responding, as if to say, what I went through all that? and all you want is information about a family tree? With the amount of emotions that erupt even with first contact, you don't want to give the wrong impression. I assume that you want to make contact to know about your bmom and to see if she will reciprocate in building a relationship with you?

On other posts, adoptees wanting only medical information are encouraged to get an intermediary (professional) to get that information, because again, it can be hurtful/difficult for a bmother to be contacted for medical information only.

Even contact itself, even if its only for more information, can bring pain, and most bmothers have been through enough already. I feel you need to be much more informed about what your bmother went through by relinquishing you, the reaction of your aparents, there is just so much more to it than contacting someone, although I can understand why you want to seek her out immediately.

I feel there needs to be more preparation for yourself and your needs as well as preparing yourself for realistically what may or may not happen. There are 2 books that should help enormously, for yourself and also understanding what your bmother has gone through/ may be feeling now and how she may react. What kind of support do you have once things get under way? My goodness, you will need them. I do worry that you appear to have so little information and backup e.g. counsellor, friends, to help you through what is a mega step in your life .. and for your bmother.

This website is formidable in the help we give each other, so that is a good step. Anyway, here are 2 books I can suggest you take a look at:

The adoption reunion survival guide - preparing yourself for the search, reunion and beyond by Julie Jarrell Bailey & Lynn N Giddens ISBN no: 1-57224-228-0 and The Primal Wound, by Nancy Newtown Verrier ISBN no: 0-9636480-0-4.

As you have reacted to finding out you are adopted within a week, I strongly encourage you to seek out professional help, counselling and advice to prepare yourself and look at your emotions as to what you are hoping for, your expectations, and to prepare yourself in case the response is not what you expected.

However, once you have things in place and decide to write to your birth mother, to give you an idea, this is what my son sent me and I reacted favourably to it- the message was brief but to the point. This is what he said:

I am writing this message in regards to finding out if you are (my full name) who previously lived in (area). I have been trying to find you through (adoption agency name). I am not sure if you are the right person, but my name is (his adopted name) although I was born (the full name I gave him at birth) on (date). You can either contact me directly through Friends Reunited or if you would like, through (name of adoption agency, with name of person and contact number). If on the other hand this message makes no sense to you, please would you be kind enough to let me know so I can cross you off my list.

Yours sincerely
(My sons name)

I hope this is helpful to you. His giving an intermediary in my opinion was a smart move, as it gave me chance to come to terms with how I felt, after all, it was a bombshell after 28 years!!! I also wanted to be cautious, as I didnt know how my son had turned out and I wanted to take things slowly. It turned out that after the initial 3 weeks, all caution went to the wind and exploded and it caused tremendous difficulty along the way, only calming down in the past couple of months and its still difficult, even with both of us wanting it so much.

By going through the intermediary it also gave me chance to get advice on how to deal with the 1. contact, 2. my own emotions, 3. advice on how to approach this and 4. how to get professional advice after relinquishing my son over 28 years ago. Your bmother may decide the same, that she needs to take it slowly through an intermediary, but once that is not in place, emotions can be intense, rampant, and destructive, so as much help as possible is needed.

I was very naive when I launched into reunion and I wish I'd gone slower and through the intermediary for longer. Reunion can become an uncontrollable set of expectations at times and its hard work, extremely. So just a few tips, and of course, I'm very excited for you. The warmth and connection with my son is great, but be prepared for heartache ahead. With the kind of emotions that reunion brings, you have to be prepared for it.

Enjoy the rapturous feelings and excitement, but do your homework too I guess is what I'm saying, and of course I'm extremely excited for you and send (((hugs)))) and love to you. This could be the most amazing thing you have ever experienced and I hope it proves to be all that you want and need.

[ateeamom]

Jannyroo,

Thank you for your well thought out post!

I do want a "relationship" with her. But like I've stated, I'm scared of the possibility that her current family does not know of the situation and if that's the case I want her to tell them on her terms, not find out because of my initial contact letter. Is this a valid concern? I just don't know.

Even contact itself, even if its only for more information, can bring pain, and most bmothers have been through enough already. I feel you need to be much more informed about what your bmother went through by relinquishing you, the reaction of your aparents, there is just so much more to it than contacting someone, although I can understand why you want to seek her out immediately.

How can I get informed about what she went through by relinquishing me? My adad has no information other than she was a college student who got pregnant and that the adoption was handled through the Catholic church. My adad is nervous and scared, but is trying to be strong and supportive for me. I have not had contact with my amom for years.

Thank you for the book suggestions. I will definitely look into them.

What kind of support do you have once things get under way? My goodness, you will need them. I do worry that you appear to have so little information and backup e.g. counsellor, friends, to help you through what is a mega step in your life .. and for your bmother.

I have my wonderful husband of almost 19 years, and my adad and stepmom are trying their best to be supportive. I'm looking into counseling, however I live in a very rural community and am concerned about the quality I might receive.

Concerning an intermediary, who did you use? I don't have an agency to use as an intermediary. What other resources are available for that sort of thing?

Again, thank you for your detailed post.

[InBlindFaith]

A letter like Jannyroo suggested sounds like a good start. I would be more willing to respond to a letter like that.

Please don't worry yourself about disrupting her life. If you send a letter (certified) then she should be the only one reading it. She will have the option to hide the letter or share it with her family. Since you are concerned about disrupting then a phone call or showing up on the doorstep won't be a good idea. Your best bet is a certified letter.

(((HUGS)))

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by ateeamom

Jannyroo,

Thank you for your well thought out post! I do want a "relationship" with her. But like I've stated, I'm scared of the possibility that her current family does not know of the situation and if that's the case I want her to tell them on her terms, not find out because of my initial contact letter. Is this a valid concern? I just don't know.

When an adoptee decides to search for their bmom, they try to climb a mountain and imagine all kinds of obstacles. There is a step by step procedure that the book I mentioned will guide you through (Adoption reunion survival guide I mentioned earlier) plus if you google for adoption intermediaries (I assume you are in the USA, if not let me know, as I am more familiar with the UK), some professional such as a Citizens Advice Bureau, something of that nature where someone is prepared to kindly intercept post or communication at an address/telephone number not yours. The idea is to keep the heat off the bmother until she is ready for each stage. The first stage I guess is that it will blow her out of the water to hear from you and she will need time to reconcile her feelings about the matter and what she wants to do. If she feels you are "hovering" with wanting direct contact, it may panic her. I'm not saying that WILL happen, but you have to consider the worst case scenario and anything after that is a bonus.

Don't worry about her family. She will deal with that. Dont feel you have to cover every single option, deal with your side, you have enough to cope with. Remember, your bmom is a grown up that can decide for herself who she wants to tell and when. It may depend on the reasons for relinquishment in the first place, but if she's reticent about telling anyone, it doesn't mean that she won't make contact. I would think that most bmoms (I include myself) would like to inch cautiously forwards. Neither one of you know what you are going to get, as you are both strangers and have no idea how you will both feel once the reunion gets under hand. My son's bfather by the way turned down the opportunity to get to know his son. He must have known what it would mean, as I waded straight into it and BAM! goodness me, its hard bloomin work, but then I'm the bmother and my son and I have worked hard to make it work. So fantasy is something else you will have to deal with. We all think its going to be great, but once the rose tinted glasses off, its slog, absolute slog. I wouldn't have it any other way, the reward to see my son adjust to finding me is marvellous, but just to give you some caution as to what you may find.

Originally Posted by ateeamom

How can I get informed about what she went through by relinquishing me?

She will tell you, in time, that is, if she wants contact with you. You have to remember that contact will take her down a trip through memory lane that will have very painful consequences for her. We all have to go through it, its inevitable. Thats why I want you to be prepared and to understand her. The Adoption reunion survival guide has a great section on the kind of things she will have gone through on page 138 but my fingers can't type anymore!!! sorry!!! but if you search through some of my posts, you may find reference to it! Click on Jannyroo and then click on all posts made by Jannyroo and wade through that, if you have time, or anyone else for that matter. There are nuggets of gold everywhere on this website, from everyone!

Originally Posted by ateeamom

My adad is nervous and scared, but is trying to be strong and supportive for me. I have not had contact with my amom for years.
I have my wonderful husband of almost 19 years, and my adad and stepmom are trying their best to be supportive. I'm looking into counseling, however I live in a very rural community and am concerned about the quality I might receive. Concerning an intermediary, who did you use? I don't have an agency to use as an intermediary. What other resources are available for that sort of thing?

Your dad sounds wonderful. What a brave chap. He must love you so much. He is probably scared you will get hurt, I know my sons amom is and he has been, its inevitable, we all are. However, he may also be scared that he will "lose" you. Your stepmom sounds special too, thats a great start to have, I can tell you, as so many adoptees have the added crisis of their aparents making them feel awful for wanting to search.

The bond between bmom and child is strong and may overwhelm you if it goes ahead, you also have to know that there is pullback, where even you are overwhelmed with what emotions reunion evokes, how long it takes to "process" those feelings is different for each adoptee. There is also an intoxicating obsession in the early days for both parties, almost to the exclusion of everyone else, your husband and adad & step mom need to be aware of that possibility, but it does wean off. Again, the literature I have recommended will help, but there will be other suggestions made in posts on this website, but they definitely helped me to understand me, my son and the aparents, the Triad as its called.

I'm so glad you have a great husband too. You may need to consider, despite your great adad, stepmom and husband what the local community is like. Village life may possibly yield people that are narrow in outlook and gossipy or there may be some great gems of people that support you 100% and are thrilled and can't wait for the next installment. Once its out though, you need to consider that you may be asked for details when you aren't ready or are going through a painful patch and don't really want the subject raised. I didn't "out" myself to the community I am in until I was absolutely sure this was going to work, about 4 months into reunion in my case and even then I went into meltdown and couldn't function for about 2 weeks! I began to tell people and gauge their reaction. After 140 positive reactions, I frankly gave up and now I talk about my son as though its always been. You may need to show caution, as its a very sensitive issue being reunited and you can do without crass or insensitive comments by people that may not be informed nor want to be, so just a word of caution.

The thing about counselling is that it is not set in concrete that this is THE person you have to have. I had a counsellor and after 1 session I wanted to change. After 4 sessions with her, I vowed I'd never touch her again. I kept on searching and trying different options until I got the county social services post adoption team to help me. They found a counsellor (they paid for it by the way, as I lived in their county for 20 odd years) who turns out to be a bmother herself and its working wonderfully well. So if you find its not working out, change, its as simple as that. You may want to ask questions as to how many years they've dealt with adoption issues, and what their range is (adoptees, aparents, bmothers? bfathers? etc) before you go ahead, but again, a good counsellor will let YOU do the talking and make appropriate comments when needed to encourage you. You should come out feeling better than you went in, even though emotions will be sore and raw. Thats a rough guide. Don't bother with an ordinary counsellor. If they haven't got adoption experience, they will not be able to grasp it. You definitely need help from someone who knows the mechanisms of adoption and the effects it has on all concerned.

If you don't have a computer, most local town libraries have a free facility for you to use? or computer cafe, that kind of thing. You can Google and put in terms such as adoptive counselling, adoption intermediaries. With regard to any option of intermediary, don't let them charge you too much if you have to pay, shop around, ask for credentials, that kind of thing. Ask on this website. I have paid absolutely nothing, and if I didn't get a counsellor, this website would have had enough experience to draw on, but a good counsellor will make a difference, in my opinion. If my son had seen one, we would be further ahead than we are (15 months and still not ready to meet for 2nd time).

See if there is an adoption local group that meets for those involved in adoption with a free adoption group, so that you can share experiences, or just ask outright on this website: I live in (state) and what resources have you found? There are upward of 35,000 people using this site? and so there should be no shortage of responses I would hope. I personally didn't want to meet other bmothers/adoptees etc, until I used this website (a year now), because I could only deal with my own pain, but that is changing now and I may try one in Sept.

Anyway, must go now, as my wrists are aching!! ha ha. Hope that helps, sleep well and deeply. You will cherish every moment, regardless what the results are, this is a very special moment. Everyone on this website is rooting for you.

[so-empty]

Hi I havn't been a birthmother very long so I dont know how I will feel latter but I think your letter is a great way of doing things, your right she may not have told her family and I ams ure she will be touched be teh fact that you cared enough to say that I understand what others are saying about the project things though maybe you could say something like:

I recently found out that you may be a very close relitive of mine my name is *** I was born **** ( then she will defenitly know its you by your birthday) I would love to get to know you and learn more about our family, you can contact me at ***** I hope to hear from you
love ( or best wishes whatever makes you more comforatable) *****

well that is just a sugestion your idea is fine too though if you feel more comfortabel with that good luck !

[ateeamom]

So-empty,

I really like your letter a lot! I've decided to hold off for a few months and prepare myself mentally, but when I "go for it", I have a feeling I'll try a letter like yours.

[kakuehl]

ateeamom,
Another way to prepare yourself is to read the posts by adoptees and birth parents in these forums. While each of us has a unique experience in adoption, there are many similarities.

If I may ask, how was it that you learned you were adopted? One of the (few) things I knew about the adoptive parents of my bson was that they were to bring him up knowing he was adopted. (Of course there are no guarantees, but they did and D grew up knowing he was adopted.)

We often refer to reunion as a roller coaster ride and it is that -- full of ups and downs... Janney's advice of talking with a counselor (Or at least not being surprised if you feel you need one!) is good.

My goal and, I gather from what you say, yours is to develop a life long relationship. Don't be afraid to move slowly (You will be tempted to dive in -- try getting one toe wet first!)

I hope all goes well for you.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

ateeamom,
We often refer to reunion as a roller coaster ride and it is that -- full of ups and downs... My goal and, I gather from what you say, yours is to develop a life long relationship. Don't be afraid to move slowly (You will be tempted to dive in -- try getting one toe wet first!)

Oh I wish I could have tried "getting one toe wet first"!!! but it was more like a tsunami once contact was made and it swept us both along, remorselessly!! Looking back, I wish we'd have taken things more slowly, but it just was not, could not, it was so INTENSE the emotions. I think I was glowing for months and months after first contact made by my son. I don't think I was afraid to move slowly, it just didn't happen! I think of course we are all different personalities, but for me, it was like being in a runaway car and the brakes just wouldn't work.....

The intensity was so much, that my son pulled back... thankfully for less than a week, but on reading these forums I was aware it could be for so much longer... I think there should be a warning to all reunion participants.... this could be like something out of control... and a rowing boat just doesn't work when that tsunami hits......

[ateeamom]

I just wanted to give you all an update. I sent a very generic "genealogical request" letter to my birthmother last Monday. It had my birthday and town I was born in so she'd know it was me, but otherwise it was fairly generic. Well, she called me yesterday!! The same day she received the letter!! She kept saying over and over how much she loves me, that I'm her little girl, and that she can't wait to see me!! She told her children (ages 30 and 33) today. They are in shock, but immediately called me and welcomed me into the family. So now I know my birthmom, sister (which they all say I look exactly like!), and one of my brothers. The other brother lives out of state and they'll tell him soon. Everyone is ready to jump on a plane and come see me. They are all so happy to have me in their lives and have made me feel more welcome than I ever could have imagined. I wish this feeling for all adoptees who are searching. Thank you all so much for your advice and support.

[txrnr]

That is fantastic news ateeamon! Congratulations!!! Enjoy the new family members.

[longingtomeetyou]

Originally Posted by ateeamom

I just wanted to give you all an update. I sent a very generic "genealogical request" letter to my birthmother last Monday. It had my birthday and town I was born in so she'd know it was me, but otherwise it was fairly generic. Well, she called me yesterday!! The same day she received the letter!! She kept saying over and over how much she loves me, that I'm her little girl, and that she can't wait to see me!! She told her children (ages 30 and 33) today. They are in shock, but immediately called me and welcomed me into the family. So now I know my birthmom, sister (which they all say I look exactly like!), and one of my brothers. The other brother lives out of state and they'll tell him soon. Everyone is ready to jump on a plane and come see me. They are all so happy to have me in their lives and have made me feel more welcome than I ever could have imagined. I wish this feeling for all adoptees who are searching. Thank you all so much for your advice and support.

thats so awesome!!!!!!!