[Auriella]

July 28...every year since I last saw my daughter, and I have to keep reminding myself she's not my daughter. She'll be 24 this year. Part of me hopes she'll look for me, not because of any great need on her part, I just hope for curiosity. I want to hear that her life has been grand, full of love and stability. I want to know she's a success and happy.

I want to hear I did the right thing by giving her to her parents. These are things I have to tell myself, all the time. But I see that little face as I held her. I can hear the nurse telling me, "Don't cry...this is what she'll remember of you." I stifled the sobs and cooed soothingly to my baby girl who I still call Angela. I know that's not her name...I know, I know, I know, but inside, it hurts, will always hurt.

Making this choice was the hardest thing I've ever done and the most loving. It takes a tremendous amount of love to recognize that my arms, at that time in my life, was not the best place for my baby. And to act on that realization, going against my heart's pleading, took more courage than I thought I had. I did this for her, and whatever sorrow it caused me, the pain I feel is worth the happiness I hope I gave her and her parents.

I've made a commitment to myself that I wouldn't be the one to initiate contact. I feel it would be an intrusion if she wasn't ready, so I wait, and will wait forever if need be. But July is always a difficult month, and every year I wonder if this is the year. I hope she lets me hold her, I hope she forgives my tears. I want to see her face, to put my hand on her cheek and look into her eyes, but most of all, I want to see her smile.

[kakuehl]

Hi, my story is somewhat similar. I always thought it was D's right to initiate contact. I tried to make it easy...but the agency his parents used was closed when he looked. When I found adoption.com and registered, I discovered that he had also registered. (There wasn't more that one child born in that hospital on that date placed for adoption!)

The interesting thing is that D believed that if I cared, I would be looking for him. (We might never have connected as each of us waited for the other to make contact.)

Does your daughter know how to find you when she's ready? I hope you hopes are fulfilled. It is indeed good to hold my son (now almost 35 years later), although I must share with you that it is still bittersweet.

Feel free to post here, we help each other through the rough times (like July for you) and celebrate the good times too.

[ourdreamcametru]

I am not adopted nor am I a birthmother but I wanted to offer you my support. My father died when I was 10 years old, 30 years ago. Becasue of some bad decisions made by the adults in my life, I never saw his side of the family again. Even though I drove by the house where my grandparents live and mailed many letters and pictures I never got a return response. Two weeks ago I saw in the newspaper where my grandfather had passed away. My name was listed as a survivor as well as my children! I was shocked and knew this was my chance to reconnect even though I had missed my grandfather. My husband took the day off work and we went to the funeral. Although I had no idea who anybody in the room was, the minute I walked in everyones face hit the floor they knew me in an instant. I'll never know why there was no response over the years to my letters but now I am greatful to have my family back. Yesterday we spent the day with my soon to be 80 year old grandmother catching up and introducing her to our children. Please be sure the door is open and she can easily find you if she decides to look. Good luck,
Kelley

[quantum]

I wasn't going to look either. After reading these forums and doing a lot of soul searching I decided to give it a try.

I'm so glad I did! Even though it's brought forward a lot of emotions, part of me is finally at peace.

That's just what was right for me. I also am not the easiest person to find!

Hang in there, there are people out there who understand how you feel. Talking can help a lot, even if it's only via web pages...