[SuddenlySusan]

I understand that each reunion situation is unique, especially with closed adoptions. From what I've read so far, though, it seems that perhaps bdaughters are more okay with a "mom" relationship with their bmoms, but bsons prefer a "friend" relationship with their bmoms. What has your experience been? (I'll probably post this on the adult adoptee forum as well.)

Just trying to sort it all out...

Peace,
Susan
(In Reunion with Bson)

[Lisasue]

Hey Susan, I thought at first i had a pretty good relationship with my bson, but in the last 7 months our relationship has gone down, he refers to me as mom not sure if he still feels that way. He seems to want people to see he acknowledges me and my kids as his family however makes no effort to keep the relationship going.

My cousin is a girl, adopted after a month old, has no wants and feels no need to locate her birthmom. I have an aunt whose daughter found her, and well, they are so close it seems, and the bdaughter even refers to my aunt as granma to her children. How sweet that would be. (bson isnt old enough or married yet hahaha)

So that is a good question and great start to a thread, I am curious of the different types of relationships too, cant wait to see more responses.

CHEERS!
Lisasue

[SchmennaLeigh]

I think it varies. I do know of a mother from the closed era that has some issues with her son's relationship as they have now entered reunion. However, I also know of more mother-daughter reunion relationships that have turned emotionally volatile or soured than men. (Or maybe females have been more vocal about the souring.)

All that said, interesting concept.

[quantum]

My bson has his amom and a stepmom and good relationships with both.
I don't know yet where we'll end up, I'm hoping to be a friend type person, I think he's got plenty of mom advice already!

[soccercmh]

I am a female adoptee in reunion with my bmom...although it has been shakey. I, personally, never desired anything more than a "friend" relationship with my bmom and always tried to make that clear to her. This is one of the reasons why our reunion has had it's difficulties, as she and her family had difficulty accepting that I only wanted frienship.

[Lucy_Mom]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

I understand that each reunion situation is unique, especially with closed adoptions. From what I've read so far, though, it seems that perhaps bdaughters are more okay with a "mom" relationship with their bmoms, but bsons prefer a "friend" relationship with their bmoms. What has your experience been? (I'll probably post this on the adult adoptee forum as well.)

Just trying to sort it all out...

Peace,
Susan
(In Reunion with Bson)

I guess for me, it's still a work in progress as my bson is only a child (open adoption visits). As he gets older, I get the feeling I will be more of a mom figure. I think that is shaped by experience as coming here as child where I am a mom to my daugher and he just fits into our family life and also because we are so alike and have a strong connection. I might not know all the ins and outs of his daily life, but on a deeper level, I KNOW this child the way I know my daughter. I don't refer to myself to him as his mother out of respect, but I sure do feel like it. Occaisionally he does call me mom and gives me a little look -- I think he's trying it on for size.

Lucy

[josh1788smom]

My son tosses out the "friend" card. It's all good though. He did not have any choice in all this, and he is still young. I would love for him to view me differently, but I just tell myself, it's cause I am so young and hip - he couldn't possibly think of me as his mom.

[kakuehl]

Not too long ago, I asked D how he would classify our relationship...his answer to me was "healthy." He then asked me how I would classify it; my response.. "comfortable." We really haven't tried to go any farther than that. He calls me Kathy and I don't know that he will ever call me mom. On the other hand, he has invited me into his life in a pretty complete way. If I had to label our relationship it would be somewhere between friend and Mom. After a year and a half in reunion, we are still at the beginning of our relationship.

[SuddenlySusan]

One thought is that there is probably a significant difference between closed-era adoptions and open adoptions, and the opportunity for adopted children to be able to become closer with their bmoms through open adoption.

The other thing I wonder about is whether females are more willing to invest emotionally than are males. That being said, perhaps because of greater investment, there may be more emotions - both positive and negative?

Thanks for the replies, everyone. Still looking for more responses...feel free to join in...

Susan

[Lisasue]

Josh's mom! I think I will look at it that way too hahahahaha, my son, who interestingly enough is also Josh, calls me mom, and I think I am too young most of the time to have a kid that old! hahahaha

CHEERS!!
Lisasue

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by Lisasue

Josh's mom! I think I will look at it that way too hahahahaha, my son, who interestingly enough is also Josh, calls me mom, and I think I am too young most of the time to have a kid that old! hahahaha

CHEERS!!
Lisasue

When I found bson, I found a DIL and three more grandchildren to go with ... LOL!

Susan

[Lisasue]

One more thought........ My situation was a closed adoption, and my situation is that it was not my want to place my son. So upon meeting him, he told me that he knew in his heart I didnt want to let him go, and when he read the letter I sent him when he was a baby, it was more clear. He told me I was then and always will be his mom. But he has also told me that he loves his amom, and adad and has alot of respect and appreciation for them, that I would never want to take from either. In saying that.........

We have sorta separated, more so from his part, but i feel at this time, its for the best, as he is only young, and is a busy guy in a music band that is becoming huge, and he probably has alot of emotions and thoughts he is dealing with.

Rebecca if you read this, thankyou so much for your thoughts and words last night in chat!! they made my world with my bson so much more clearer!!!

CHEERS!!!

[Lisasue]

Suddenly Susan

Thats great!! a bigger family than expected.

What will be cool for you is when you go by people and they think you are a sister, or an aunt because you are too young for the brew you have with you!! hahahaha
Congrats are your reunion!!

Lisasue

[SuddenlySusan]

For a period of time while he was in high school, my DS used to call me his "parental unit" LOL! Now, at almost 33 y/o, he calls me "mother" (kinda formal), but we have more of an adult/peer relationship. Although, recently DH and I spent the weekend at DS's place, and as DS was leaving to go out with friends for the evening, he looked back and told DH and I to "stay out of trouble." Hah!

My 30 y/o DD, a single mom of a 22 m/o, still calls me "mama" and we talk on the phone several times a day. There is a close emotional tie between us, but I think she likes to be the "mom" most of the times.

As a single parent for most of their lives, DS and DD would probably claim that *they* raised *me*... I think maybe I was stunted emotionally after surrendering bson.

I don't know...maybe my "mom" days are over... I know our first contact is only two months old, but not hearing the words "mom" from bson pretty much popped the "mom fantasy bubble."

It's kind of strange not having my mom role anymore... I feel kinda nekkid without it... sigh...

Susan

[Lisasue]

Suddenly Susan, its probably not gone for him to call you mom (or think of you as mom), he just may feel you already know how he sees you as mom and therefore doesnt need to say it? and he probably doesnt realize how much it means to you to hear it? My bson has done the same with me, and now I only see mom in letters and when he is refering to me when he speaks to his friends. He likes to write to me and say you are always my mom, but I never "hear" it anymore. Maybe its just one of those hidden things between bmoms and the bkids, we just keep in are hearts and minds?

I think as my bson's bmom, I have to take a step back, and remember that even though its been two years since we met, he is only 21 and with the way his aparents are with our reunion. There is alot for him to deal with and sort out, and put myself in his shoes, and just believe when he says to me, he loves me and I am "mom". It took me a long time to get here, I will admit, but its the only way to get through the hoops of the rollercoaster ride, when the days turn to weeks that I dont hear from him.

I know what you mean about loosing the mom role~hahaha
my three kids at home are becoming more like roommates as they get older instead of children, in the sense of they are becoming independent. My oldest daughter is in Australia, 18 years old, and loving it, Writes me a letter after weeks of not hearing from her, and says she is thinking of staying another year!!! Auuuuuughhh I miss her!! She has managed to settle down over there, travel, and get a job all on her own! no help from anyone!! Makes me feel my role is done with her.

Funny my parents told me, my brothers and twin sister we would always be their babies! I guess I know what they were talking about now! hahahaha

Lisasue CHEERS!!