[Betty1]

Since I've seen pictures of DD and learned some information about her I feel liike I've started missing her more. It seems like the first seventeen years were a little easier when I didn't know exactly what I was missing. Now I feel there are definite times when I feel like my heart is aching because I miss her so much.

I know I'm very lucky to get to meet her this summer but the more I know and see the more I miss her. I'm wondering if I will miss her even more after we meet? Have any of you experienced the same thing and what do you do to work through it?

[InBlindFaith]

DD's 18th bday hit me the hardest, then when I started finding pictures it felt like my heart was breaking.

I refocused my energy on creating a scrapbook for her and creating a MySpace profile for her to check out privately. I also decided to create a scrapbook for myself. My scrapbook will contain the pictures I have been finding. I do have girlfriends that I can share all of these pictures with, because of them I have started getting excited everytime I find a new picture!!

I'm not sure how I will feel after we meet for the first time, I'm not there yet.

(((HUGS))) You're not alone!!

[quantum]

I hear you! He's been a part of me for 22 years, now that I've made email contact and hopefully soon ftf, well, it has hit me like a ton of bricks.
The most surprising thing for me was how much love for him I've suppressed!
I don't expect him to reciprocate those feelings, hopefully someday, but man oh man, it's an ache for sure!

[Betty1]

Quantum~
I agree with you, it is amazing how much love I feel for DD. And I too, don't expect reciprocation at this time but we can always hope for the future.

[PastorStephanie]

I hope you ladies don't mind an adoptee chiming in on your thread. I am in reunion with my birthmother and everything is more beautiful than I could imagine... even 10 years into it. I thought I could not possibly miss her more than I did growing up... but I do! The more know her and the rest of my bfamily the more I long to be with them. Saying good-bye after every face to face is INCREASINGLY difficult. I was blindsided by that longing growing. My bmom texted me the day after our last visit, "Why is does it seem like I miss you more every time I see you?!?"

It is different though, the longing before verses the longing after. Our family works through it by keeping the visits coming as often as we can=)

[quantum]

I wish I could know that frequent visits were possible in the future, living thousands of miles away (he lives in the US and me in Sweden) makes it surely impossible.

Thanks for your words Stephanie! It's nice to hear that adoptees can have the same sort of connection.
I think my feelings have been that he HAS a mother already, you know?

[PastorStephanie]

Quantum, Every adoptee feels differently about the "mother" aspect of adoption... I can tell you how I always felt. I love my amother. Always have and always will. She was the perfect mom growing up, couldn't have been more loving and attentive. None the less, I longed for my first mom every day of my life. I wondered about her and prayed for her and asked God to bring me back home to her one day. Ten years into reunion- I still love her and look forward to every moment we have together, on the phone, email and visits. Some adoptees do feel like the mother role is already filled but there was always more than enough room in my heart for her. Mom's can love two kids and no one wonders how they do it. I contend that adoptees can love two moms as well!

I hope that your reunion is everything you want it to be!

[Betty1]

Pastor Stephanie, I agree with Quantum it is really nice to hear that adoptees can have the same sort of connection.

Waiting is so difficult. Eventhough I know I will see DD this summer, I still worry, worry, worry. Of course I think all birthmom's who have searched hope for the best reunion possible but the unknown is difficult. I fear that there will be a strong connection for me (there already is and we haven't even met) but not for DD. Then of course what would the emotional ramifications be for me if DD isn't interested in further contact after our meeting. I know I'm blessed to have the opportunity to meet once but I know I'm hoping it continues.

I can only hope that DD has room in her heart for me as you have for your amom and bmom. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

[PastorStephanie]

I love InBlindFaith's Idea about the scrapbook to sorta fill in the wait time from until that first meeting! I would have loved to have something like that to look at with my bmom during those first few hours of the reunion. Another thing that could be really helpful to prepare as you wait is writing a letter to give to your child at the end of the first visit. I know I left my first visit with my bmom wondering how she felt about me... so many nerves on both sides. It was very hard to get a read on how she was feeling. A letter or a card - not too overwhelming but just explaining how much you've been looking forward to this meeting and reminding the adoptee about how you feel about them... Just a thought!

[valleysally]

OK, I am going to try very hard to keep to the point and keep this short, but you all did it again, about the suprise of finding yourself blindsided by the huge amount of emotion that pops up at you when you realize they're 18 or 22 or 24, what is it with that????? I was fine, 24 years of being ok then wham!!!!! I sure am glad someone else is going through it too, and I'm not that strange....

ANd then Pastor Stephanie, you have hit the nail on the head!!!! I have never had any problem with the idea of loving more than one person, loving 2 moms makes perfect sense to me! Ah, but, remember I was 18 in 1968, and am not so much an ex-hippie as an aging hippie!, and we are, after all, famous for our "free love" way of viewing the world!!!

Hey, less than a thousand word,,, bye for now Sally

[browneyes0707]

I do feel at times that I miss DD a lot more now that I know things about her, and have seen pics. It actually puts a "face" to the person I've wondered about for so long.

When I do feel overwhelmed and missing her a lot, since I can't talk to her right now, I have a journal for her that I write in. I write how I'm feeling, stories, things I want to share, as if I was talking to her. It helps get it out, it helps record my emotions, and I hope to share it with her one day, so I get joy that one day she may very well read what I'm writing!

[valleysally]

The hard part is when you get hit by all this love and emotion and you know they don't want it they don't want you.

[Found at last]

I have met my DD f2f twice. Each time my heart would break for days after the f2f, because I felt that this f2f might be the last time I see my DD. Little did I know that I was right. Hopefully some day she will come back to see me again.

[mn125]

Originally Posted by Found at last

Hopefully some day she will come back to see me again.

((((((((found))))))))

[PastorStephanie]

Does any one else find it hard to say goodbye after a f2f or to hang up after a phone call or to stop IM-ing their bchild or bparent? I find myself getting anxious about any type of goodbye. Even years into a very stable reunion... I thought the goodbyes would get easier as time passed but like some of the other longings we've talked about on this thread... the goodbyes are getting worse for me. Has anyone else found themselves getting anxious?