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  #1  
Old 03-01-2012, 11:10 AM
CanadianTrout CanadianTrout is offline
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How to locate a "possible" son

Hi. I have had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I have been carrying around since about 1999. I have a long and complicated story and I hope this is the place to tell it. I really need to get this out and I apologize in advance as I can can feel already this may be a lengthy post. I can also tell you that it already is starting to feel better just typing this much so far.

In the end I am wondering how to go about locating (and if I should even do this) a possible son I may or may not have.


My story.....

I was in my late 20's in 1997-1999 and living in Kitchener Ontario Canada. I had a friend by the name of W******** T*********. Her and I had know each other for a few years and things became friendly. We were just FWB's. Having known her for so long I knew she was very flighty and was doing pills. A lot. I didn't care as we had no real commitment to each other and were just seeing each other on occasion. She told me she had had her tubes tied (for whatever reason) after the birth of her first and only child so we never used protection.

This went on for awhile and then all of a sudden she disappeared. I could not contact her or find her anywhere. She never contacted me in anyway and just disappeared for about half a year or more.

One day she walked into my work crying and with a very pregnant belly claiming the child was mine. We discussed things and she said she wanted to give the child up for adoption. I agreed to this as it would have given the child the best possible life if he went to 2 loving people who were in better shape than the birth mother, as well as better financial shape and maturity than the father (me). W******** told me she would look after everything and someone from some sort of agency would be in contact as I would have to answer a few questions etc being the birth father so the child could go up for adoption.

I recall getting a phone call from a lady claiming to be from *some sort of agency*. I'm sorry, I have to admit here I was a single, care-free, wild life style living, very immature, minimum wage making guy. I was not coping well with my life or this situation at the time and thusly can not accurately recall the details.

The lady from the agency asked me a few questions about myself, medical history, name, DOB, that I gave my concent to have the child adopted, and all that. She informed me that W******** had just recently given birth to a baby boy. That adoptive parents were already lined up, but..... the boy was born addicted to morophine thanks to his mom. Once he was weened off that and medically cleared to go he was adopted.

I was never asked to go in to an office anywhere and sign any documents or meet with anyone official or anything. I thought this was weird at the time. As I mentioned I was scared, in no shape to deal with a baby myself and I knew the Mom was in no shape to do anything really. The lady assured me we were done, that that was it and I didn't need to do anything further. In hindsight this all happened in the blink of an eye. I have no idea who I spoke to on the phone, what agency or governemt office they represented. Nothing. Just bam! and it was done.

I have no more information than that. I know the birth mom's name, that it was a boy born in kitchener, and roughly what year this occured. That's it.

I never saw or heard from the birth mom again. It is almost like this whole event was a dream, a figment of my imagination.

Now, many years later, I am a MUCH better person than I was. Funny how age and maturity, and a good job can do that to you. I still live in Kitchener and I have been married and am raising 2 wonderful young daughters.

So..... that nagging feeling I mentioned. Is this child even mine? Was that supposed "adoption" even real? What happened there? If so, how do I and should I even look into this further.

I am naturally wondering if I do or do not have a son aged 13 - 15 out there somewhere. is he wondering who his birth father is? Does he care? Does he KNOW?

I AM NOT looking to cause problems for him, his adopted parents, or myself. I honestly don't know if I even want to meet him or does he want to meet me? Is this really good for anyone in the long run?



I need help............
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  #2  
Old 03-01-2012, 12:23 PM
noelani2 noelani2 is offline
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I think I can somewhat understand your feelings and why you feel the need to find out more about this.

It seems a little odd to me that an adoption agency would have no more contact with you than a phone call and not ask you to sign a relinquishment. I don't know how things are done in Canada, but I know that agencies in the US would have required that, by the late 90s.

I also don't know what the laws are about searching, there. I know that, for example, in Arizona, a birth parent is permitted to search when the child turns 21. My second child's birth mother did that, and has had a relationship with her ever since. I found my third child's birth mom on the internet when he was 19, and that has worked out very well. Fortunately, in Germany, where we adopted him, they gave the adoptive parents the full name and birth date of the birth mother. He has also spoken to his birth father, who was just barely 16 when he was born.

I think, with the age that the child would be, now, it wouldn't be the best time for a reunion. It would probably be best for him to be 18 or older. In the meantime, you can keep trying to find more information that might help you get closer. I'm sorry I don't know anything about the laws where you live, so I can't help.

Congratulations on getting your life going better, and the family you have now! I have a teenaged son I am hoping and praying will get his life turned around one of these days, too.

Noelani
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  #3  
Old 03-02-2012, 10:42 AM
CanadianTrout CanadianTrout is offline
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Hi Noelani. Thanks for taking the time to respond, I appreciate your advice.

I hope some others offer their insight here as well. Since I am in Canada is there other places I should be posting my story to get a little more help/advice from closer to home? I just mean from people that might know our system a little better or would have a suggestion of who to contact down the road?

Thanks. Take care and good luck with your boy.

Trout.
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  #4  
Old 03-02-2012, 11:27 AM
Jensboys Jensboys is offline
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Canadian Adoption and Re-connection is a list of adoption registries etc in Canada.

You wont be able to apply until your son is 19 ... also you might try and find his biological mother in the mean time and she if she is willing to have further contact with you. Facebook is great for that.
__________________

Jensboys -
Mom of 4 Boys
AS - 19 born 1995 adopted 1999
AS - 18 born 1996 adopted 1999
BS - 16
BS - 13

And Mom of 3 Girls (bio sisters)

AD - 6 born 2008 adopted 2009
AD - 5 born 2009 adopted 2009
AD - 1 born 2013 adopted 2013



I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.
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  #5  
Old 03-02-2012, 02:58 PM
CanadianTrout CanadianTrout is offline
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Thank you Jensboys. That looks like a good link you provided. There is a ton of links inside it ..... do you think of of those would be able to answer if this adoption even took place? Was the child mine? Etc.

You said i couldn't apply until her was 19. I've never done this before and don't understand. Apply for what? His information about where he lives or whatever?

Thanks.
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  #6  
Old 03-02-2012, 03:16 PM
Jensboys Jensboys is offline
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When he is of legal age - generally speaking, you can apply for his adoption records. What that would provide you is his new adoptive name. HOWEVER, saying that I think you are going to need more details and in the mean time I would focus on trying to find the child's biological mother and trying to clarify what happened and if she is willing to share further information.

Once you do that -- and if you obtain the name of the adoption agency, you would probably be welcome to send a letter to your child's family, with updated medical history, a picture and an invitation to contact should his parents wish that to occur.
__________________

Jensboys -
Mom of 4 Boys
AS - 19 born 1995 adopted 1999
AS - 18 born 1996 adopted 1999
BS - 16
BS - 13

And Mom of 3 Girls (bio sisters)

AD - 6 born 2008 adopted 2009
AD - 5 born 2009 adopted 2009
AD - 1 born 2013 adopted 2013



I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.
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