[Harley93]

I have been having a really hard time since my son found me,He found his Birth Mom and then found me and I'm really getting tired of being hurt 99% of the time and his Mother is treated like Gold.I had no idea of the adoption and have tried my hardest to do all that I could to make this easy. Any help would be appreciated TY

[lowohms]

Harley,

When your son found you, did you know prior to being found?? or was it out of the blue?? Thats alot for someone to take in if it was out of the blue. Have you had a DNA test done yet?? Just to be sure??? Can you expand on the story a little?? Believe it or not, there is alot of support around this board, more then you can imagine. Sometimes we have to step away from the situation, and focus on the now, not the yesterday.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Could you give some examples of how you are hurt? Or how you are treated differently than his birth mother? Do you have any guess regarding the reason?

[Harley93]

Jay,
I had been told he was living with his mom in another state. After 30 yrs of wondering His mom found me and told me she put him up for adoption and she found him. He was living a couple towns away from me. I'm Adopted also and it seems like he wants nothing to do with my Family,but does all with his Moms Family.That Hurts most of all. I told him from the begining That I want to be truthfull and lieing to me is NO NO just as I wouldnt lie to him.But I've caught him in many lies and Ive just about had it with that.I dont need a DNA for it's like looking at my Twin. Do you think because I'm adopted he feels that he doesnt owe my family anything because their not really his ?
My Family is MY FAMILY you know what I meen.Their really is too much to list in here I will try to post more. Thanks for your answer.

Harley

[St3v3n]

Harley, since he's adopted, he knows better than anyone what that's like. I seriously doubt he thinks your family isn't "real" just because you're adopted, any more than he would think his family isn't real to him. Of course, this doesn't help you figure out what the issue is, but I don't think that's it.

[Dickons]

Harley,

It's time to put some boundries and rules in place. They are necessary and you can include the fact that you will always be there but you will not be his whipping post. You could also ask him to go with you to a counselor so that you can work on a healthy relationship.

Sorry for what you are going through. I imagine he has some type of fantasy going that you were the reason he was placed...and his mother is the one wronged. Even if that comes even close to the reality - it is what it is and you cannot go back and change the past and he needs to accept that.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Harley93]

Dickons,

Thanks, I have put Rules and Boundries in place and I said I will not accept only being called when you need something. He said no that will not happen and he really does want a relationship.But it seems like that is all I get and again when his mother is around I get nothing !!.He can tell her all about me and our relationship,(even tho I told him not too discuss me with her), but if I ask 1 word about her or what they did, I'm given one word or a Lie. Then he goes back to her and says "Why did you tell him that".I'm 50 yrs old and dont need these 12 yr olds games out of a 31 yr old. Do you know what I meen.

I know I cannot change the past,I wish I could.

[Harley93]

St3v3n,

What makes me feel this even more is that he grew up and went to school with a Family member of mine.They have met again since he found me and it's like he wants nothing to do with it.

Harley

[St3v3n]

Well, hopefully you can get some comfort from the fact that, whatever the problem is, it certainly seems to be his issue and does not have anything to do with you. Perhaps it has something to do with you not matching the fantasy bdad he had in his head for so many years before meeting you. Or maybe it's got something to do with things he's been told about you by someone who either had an agenda or had incorrect/incomplete information. I agree that it does sound like 12-year-old games, but try not to take it too personally.

[Harley93]

St3v3n,

Thanks I'm trying my hardest not to take it personally but I think you can understand that's easier said then done at times.I know I'm not perfect and have my faults but until I get some input onto what the problem is from him, I'm just going to move on with my life and hopefully he will be incuded.Thanks again

[greenbottles]

There seems to be him sitting in the middle pulling strings with both bparents and he enjoys getting a reaction from you both because he can. For a start I don't think you should have told him that he can't discuss his relationship with you with his bmother. He's an adult he can do what he likes. Secondly I think you should just focus on your relationship with him and not ask, wonder etc what he has been doing with the bmother. His relationship with her and for anyone else for that matter is actually none of your business. If he choses to discuss any relationship he has with you then that is fine but if I was you I wouldn't then go on to discuss what he says with his birthmother. Cut the three way conversations because it only opens up the chance for things to get incorrectly told to another party and that person could get hurt etc. Focus on what you have with him and building on that in the long term. If you are having further difficultles vent here not to the birthmother or any other family member then there's no chance other people with agendas will interfer between you and cause trouble.

[Harley93]

greenbottles,
The main reason I asked him not to discuss our relationship with her was that she didnt care to tell me she put him up for adoption, and the past 30 yrs couldnt care less either.My feelings are that she doesnt deserve to know about me or my relationship with my son now.

My main concern now is my relationship with him and could care less about her,but like I said the Lies start and thats what get's me crazy.I said before I dont even bother talking about his Bmom with him because I get 1 word answers or lies in the past.

Your 100% right about cutting the 3 way conversations and after this past incident, I've decided I'm done with talking to her with the exception of an emergency. Thank You for your advice about venting here it will save the peace on the home front