[lowohms]

First and fore-most, i want to thank everyone who has contributed to this site in full. The adoptive parents, other birth parents, and people willing to share their stories with the world. I am trying very hard to not break out into tears, and i am hoping for a lost part of me, to finally let me be whole.

I will try to make it as short as possible, but after reading for months here, without ever registering, it is my time to give back. This place has been a saving grace for me, and i thank each and everyone of you.

18 years ago, my GF of 3 years and I basically got into an arguement about my car ( im a car guy, go figure!) what ended up happening was not something i was prepared for at all. During our 3 year relationship (it started our senior year in high school) everytime we argued or got in a tiff with each other, she would claim that she was pregnant and low and behold the first 8 or so times, i believed her. All of this started when we first starting dating and she was still talking to her ex at that time, while i was learning how to be a man (still learning even to this day) she knew i was getting jealous and she claimed the reason to be talking to him was she may be pregnant. (yeah i should have just walked away but i didnt). Anyway, after our 3 years ended abruptly for the last time, she showed up at my job 6 weeks after we broke up, and claimed she was pregnant. I just rolled my eyes at her, and told her to go home. Dont try this again. After a few more weeks, i got laid off from work, and ended up moving about 5 hours away and took a really good job. Everything was just starting to look up, i met my now wife, in September of 1991. (my god it seems like forever!) So around the middle of October i just happened to be talking to my cousin and casually asked how she was doing, because we had a lot of mutual friends together, and his response to me was "she is getting big". My first reaction was "she got fat?" (please no offense was meant by this at all, it was just my first reaction) and he stuttered and said " no she is pregnant". At this i said " omg to who?" it was the pause ill never forget, he said "you might want to call her yourself, i really dont want involved." I said "Fine". So for 2-3 weeks i tried to get her on the phone, only to be hung up on by her mother/father/brother (who i ran into later in life and was begging me to forgive him for doing that to me, more on that later). Finally she answered the phone, and told me to "stay away, as i have everything figured out, and you cant change it". It was less then 2 days later, that her lawyer called me (funny they had my number the whole time it seems) and asked me to sign adoption papers. (my now wife was still with me and was being very supportive of everything, and has been for the last 18 years) Anywho, literally within a day or two, i get the papers in the mail, and i called the lawyer, and we talked for a long time, and he helped me get through the paperwork, and explained the basics of this open adoption. (in my eyes it hasnt been too open, as i was told no contact would be accepted until he is 18, which i will get to in a sec). After making sure he got the papers back as soon as possible, i was heartbroken. I called the lawyer the following day, and said i just want to move back home, and i dont want to go through with this. Well, it was at this point it was too late. My rights were gone to the open adoption, and i was not allowed any contact until he turned 18.

Fast forward some years and wife and i welcomed our first daughter (now 11) and it is and always will be the highlight of my life.....she nearly filled the void left vacant in my heart, from the adoption situation. I promised and vowed, she would never lose me and i would never lose her (even though she was less then an hour old i know she understood me) my wife and i were finally complete, and my life with her became something i could have never expected. During this time, i never once forgot about what i did. Forward a few more years, we welcomed our second daughter (now 5) and the void filled even more. Almost losing her at childbirth, it was the hardest thing for me........i fell to my knees and prayed to god for strength so i didnt lose another child, my heart couldnt take it. The moment she cried (almost seemingly at the instant i prayed) i felt my heart beat almost out of my chest.....my little fighter, fought and won. Everything has been good, not great at all times, but definitely good. I have been on a couple tv shows, my kids are healthy, me and my wife have persevered through 18 years of each other (you know how it is) and we are best friends.

After everything that has happened to us, i have held to the information i had from 18 years ago and never once forgot what i had been told. Recently, i sent an email to an attorney, who i was pretty sure was the one i spoke with 18 years ago, and asked him basically to let me know how to leave my contact info for him, to give to the child when he turned 18. After a couple vague emails from him, he called me. He asked me for some background info over the phone, and after a few questions responded with " its been a longtime since i spoke to you"........my heart almost stopped. I knew i had the right guy. Well after her confirmed the information i had, he told me he would be in touch with me after he went back and read my file. You have to remember at this point, i was living with information that wasnt 100%. But speaking with him, he confirmed it for me. He emailed me about a week later, and had contacted the adoptive father, and he asked for a synopsis of my past 18 years and what i was doing now and have been since then. This was sent to the attorney directly. I receved an email today (about 3 weeks later) with a thank you from the attorney on behalf of the father, and that he received the pictures the attorney asked for seperately in another email. He (the father) wants to speak to his wife, and the attorney said he advised him that he would be there for a meet, if the father wanted him to be. As a side note from the attorney to me, he added that "he was thankful for how i am handling this...".

On of the key aspects i touched on, was that "my number 1 concern was that my biological son knew where his roots lie, and that he know my story. I am NOT replacing anyone, nor did i intend to. He is the Father, and that is his title to hold. I cannot hold this title for his son, but i would like very much to know he is ok"

From my talk with the attorney, the biological mother, wants no contact whatsoever. She has her own life and children to care for (she has 2 daughters also). I have never spoken to her since our talk on the phone, nor do i intend too either.

Now for my questions for you all:
1: If i do meet him, if he asks about her, what would be my appropriate response??? im leaning towards, she isnt comfortable at this time, and i would rather not give her information. HOWEVER, i do not want to hide anything from him, especially after all this time, and i want him to know i am telling him the truth. So whats a guy to do here???

2: The email from the lawyer that i got today, seemed to be positive to the fact that the father is ok with it, however, there also is a chance he wont want to meet me. Which im ok with ( i think). Is it wrong that if he says he doesnt want to meet me, to at least have contact with his father to get updates or just check in?

Anyway, i think my fingers are going to explode, from typing so much. I would love to hear your thoughts and concerns equally. I would loive to here from birthparents and adoptive parents, even the adopted children too!!! I have a few months before he turns 18, and i would like to know and discuss these angles before (and if) that time comes.

Thank you for reading this, it helped just to type it all out.

Jay

[quantum]

Hi Jay! Welcome and what a story!

A potential reunion is a terrifying/exciting thing in the making, I know it well.

First of all, don't freak out or feel like it's the be all and end all if your son doesn't want contact at this time. Remember what you were like as an 18 year old boy! My son is 24, and even though we are in reunion, he's SO busy with life that we don't communicate much. We're in a good place though, so that's ok.

I think if he doesn't want to have direct contact with you right now, that keeping in touch with his other father is quite ok! A great idea actually. Then your son will know where and how to find you when he IS ready.

As far as his mom goes, I guess I would be as honest as possible but not negative, if you follow me.

All the best!

[saj]

Dear Jay,

Adoptive mom here. Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing your story. My a children are still young (9 and 10) but I think of their birth parents daily. I know that the only people who love my children as much as my husband and I do are their "other" parents. When reunion time comes for my children I hope that they find parents like you.
I agree with Quantum on her perspective of a discussion about birth mom. Don't give her/your son any negative vibes about her. It sounds like he has been raised in a good family and I agree that staying in touch with the adad is a good way to maintain a semblance of contact with your son. (even if the young fellow is not ready for a reunion at this time) No stalking though. LOL! Just be there when he is ready.

One other bit of advice that I've seen given over and over again is that you may want to see a reunion therapist to help you work through the emotions which are sure to come bounding forth. Good luck and keep us posted.

Sincerely,
Saj

[epenn922]

Jay -- this is very exciting! it will be a rollercoaster ride.

#1 - the truth - always the truth -- you may want to answer his questions without a large amount of opinion, kinda 'just the facts' -- when he's ready for more of the story, he'll most likely ask... you can always remind him that yours is one side of the story and you don't want to speak for the birthmother...

#2 - absolutely stay in contact with the attorney -- don't lose touch because if your son isn't ready today, he may be ready at another time and if can't find you....
also, if a reunion is delayed, the attorney can tell him, 'i've heard from your father x-amount of times' -- that alone, knowing that he wasn't forgotten or abandoned -- can work wonders

Hang in there and buckle your seatbelt!

[lowohms]

OMG thank you all for your responses. I am trying to patiently await word still from the attorney. And i sent a note to him today about possibly getting his current name, as all i have is what i found out through other people. I dont know if i can get that info or not, but we shall see.

Thank you for the heads up about the reunion therapist, i never thought such a thing existed. I did ask the attoney if he would contact the family and ask them if they would like me to go beforehand. Hopefully they see i am not a threat to their life.

One can only hope, and i have been waiting for so long, i think im gonna burst!!! his birthdate is nov 28, 1991 and it seems like 2 months from now will take forever!!!! ugggggggggggggg

[lowohms]

Recieved my email from the attorney today, he said they haven't contacted him as per his last request, and that he would intiate a phone call to the Afather. As much as i wanted some more info, im glad the attorney is working with me and being so patient.

Even though his services (answering emails and talking on the phone) are not being paid for by me, he is pretty on top of stuff. Must admit i think he is one of those guys that really cares. He did tell me that a reunion therapist is a good idea, and i made those arrangements today.

I have been reading alot on here about past experiences, and others stories, and wow i feel for so many people here. Im glad i remembered the attoneys name, and his birthdate. It was the 2 major things when contacting the attorney that made a difference. For any other birthfathers out there, stay the course. Dont give up either. I was fortunate enough to have a decent attorney who i feel like can be trusted. (and he wasnt even my attorney to begin with). I lucked out big time!!

I wish some other birthfathers would speak up, and post their stories. I have read just about every one on here, and we need to start speaking up and be heard. Not all birthfathers ran out on their responsibilities, and its just a stigma we have to live with.

I think it might also be beneficial for the birthfathers to add a signature if your seeking the child with a birthdate and name. Sometimes i search online for people when i see them searching. If we all just took some time and helped in the search, it might help. Ill add mine and maybe some others will follow.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE HERE, you are my saviours in this rough/exciting time!!!

[lowohms]

Okay....instead of cluttering the board with more posts, i may as well continue here. Well the last contact with the attorney i had, was they havent responded since. So im not sure if they are just waiting out until nov 28th or what. It was odd that they responded relatively quickly at first.....and now its nothing. While i can imagine it would be a rough time especially with the 18th b-day coming up, i am trying hard to hold onto some hope that the Amom didnt squash the whole thing. I have since started seeing a therapist, however he doesnt believe we will be meeting that often. We had 1 session so far with another on friday of this week.

It really helps just to type this out, as i do have some feelings regarding it. But its more of the excitement and kinda scary side of it. You know? Hopefully i am not boring anyone, i consider this forum my therapy, in a weird sort of way.

Ohhhhh 1 thing i did do, i did send a message to the bmom, asking if we could talk or email each other, and i stressed highly that i dont want this to affect her life in any way, even offering to talk or email with her husband if thats was an option. And i asked simply that if she was planning to keep her info private, to just let me know, and i will respect her wishes. However i have had no return email or message yet. I hope she can understand that this is my only contact with her since sept of 1991 and i would not bother her ever again. I hope she got that from my message. Hopefully she didnt see it was me and decided to just delete it without reading it. I really just want some closure from her end and i hope she can understand that. Anyway, thats my update so far.

off topic: How do you add a signature anyway in here???

[epenn922]

To add a signature -- you can go to the right of 'categories', where it says 'welcome' -- update mypage or click on your name in a message you wrote, view profile, down the left-hand side, it says something like edit my pics and signature

[lowohms]

thank you. I got it now.

[lowohms]

ok next update: well the Bmom obviously got my message on facebook, she deleted her whole account on there. UGGGGGGG !!!! 18 years and she is still holding info from me. I did find someone who she confided in and they told me some info, however most of what they told me i already found out from someone else. Anyway, i have had no contact with the lawyer at all, i hope she the BMOM didnt squash me talking to the lawyer. The bmom lives less then 10 miles away from me too, and i am really trying not to knock on her door and ask for the answers i need. She knows the answers however, i highly doubt she will tell me anything. And if your reading this by any chance, which wouldnt surprise me at all, then just answer my 3 questions, and you will never hear from me again. I have left you alone for 18 years, not once have i contacted you at all. Just give me some closure for pete's sake.

[lowohms]

well next update so far is pretty much.........nothing. I have been in contact with the lawyer, and he is telling me that he has not received a response at all. I think the bmom contacted his family somehow and got them to stop any communication with the attorney. It was just so odd with a return email so quick from the father, then absolutely nothing afterwards. as of right now, i have 16 days till his 18th b-day. Hopefully something shakes in the next 2 weeks or so. I really dont want to keep bothering the attorney, he has been great and i would hate to ruin that because of my emails. I feel like im so close, yet so far still. I just want to see that he is ok and he loves his family, and hopefully answer any questions he has about me and my families history. Anyway, thats my update so far. Thanks for letting me type it out.