[deidredahn]

My husband and I are foster parents to a 17 year old girl. We are planning to adopt her, which she wants. Her birth mother's rights were taken away 7 years ago, and her birth father at that time was "unknown." Recently the birth mother contacted the supposed birth father, and to make a long story short, a paternity test will be done next week to find out if it's him.

My question is this: if he IS her birth father, could that make it harder for us to adopt her? If he wanted to try to get custody of her, and she didn't want that, what would happen? I really don't think he could take her if she was unwilling, given her age and the fact that she is thriving in a loving, stable home.

I don't think he will want to remove her from our home, because he doesn't seem like that kind of person, but of course we have questions. Would he have to sign his rights away, or what rights does he even have? We're not going to move forward on anything with the adoption until we are sure that our foster daughter is certain that's what she wants (her feelings may change or waver if he turns out to be her biological father).

[Rylee45]

I'm kind of confused about why you'd want to adopt a 17 year old girl in the first place. Once she turns 18 she's an adult and it wouldn't matter one way or the other if she's adopted. If she were a lot younger that's different because as a foster home it's possible for her to be taken out but not at her age now. At least I wouldn't think so.

But to the question, I think he could stop the adoption in certain circumstance but at her age (in this day and age anyway I believe) she has the right to live wherever she wants to and she doesn't have to live with her mom or her dad.

I'm wondering though how the bio dad can come into the picture at this late date and suddenly want a child he didn't know about AT her age. That sounds suspicious in itself. But of course it might not be. I don't know. It seems awfully odd that the bio mom signed her rights away when her daughter was about 11 (right?) and suddenly out of no where contacts someone she thinks is the father. Very odd situation.

I hope whatever you do it turns out good. If the girl is happy in your home and wants to stay there under the circumstances she should be able to stay. I hope things work out for you all.

Rylee

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Rylee45

I'm kind of confused about why you'd want to adopt a 17 year old girl in the first place. Once she turns 18 she's an adult and it wouldn't matter one way or the other if she's adopted.

Actually, Rylee, it matters very much to older kids in the foster care system to be adopted. It is about feeling like you belong somewhere... that if you leave, you will have a place to come home to. Many of these kids do not have that.

[deidredahn]

Thank you Brenda.

Rylee, this girl, from the time she can remember, has not been valued, stood up for, or taken care of. If I told you the things that have happened to her, you would not believe me. Her own mother made these horrible things possible, and after her mother's rights were TAKEN AWAY (not signed away) when she was 11, still no family fought for her. We are the 4th foster home she has been in, in 5 years. NOBODY has fought for her. EVERYBODY has given up on her. EVERYBODY, until now. She is scared to death she will continue to lose what she loves. She has tried so hard all her life to be what she has to be to gain and keep love, never succeeding. Is it because she's a bad kid? Unlovable? No, although that's what she thinks. It's because she's been dealt a crappy hand in life. Only the state and her Indian tribe fought for her, the "system", and she hates them because she wants a FAMILY. She wants PARENTS who control her life, not a case worker or a judge. She is 17 years old, and yes, in 2 years, she will be out of high school and "on her own" but she was never been taught what it means to be loved until now. Do you think I want to send a child that I love out "on her own" like that? Never. This is not about us wanting to adopt a child. If that was the case, we would have looked for a baby. This girl showed up in our lives, and we loved her before we took her in. It is now up to us. God put her in our hands so that we could show her what it means to have parents that care enough to make rules and not let her run the streets, which is what she did for as long as she can remember. It's up to us to show her what it means to not be given up on. Do you know what it feels like to be sold? Then to be taken from your mother and be SAD, even though your mother did horrible things to you? Do you know what it feels like when everyone who is supposed to take care of you sends you to live with someone else? Or to have them tell you that if you don't like the rules, get out? They say "get out" - but where do you go when you're 14? We tell her, if you don't like the rules, too bad. You're going to follow them, and you're not going anywhere (which is in reality what she needs and wants - she has told me this, even though she fights it. Her counselor has told me this, and has told me that she will fight it)! We do this because we love her and care enough to wade through her behavioral issues, etc. and to let her know we love her no matter what. This girl literally does not believe this is possible. She's still waiting for the other foot to fall - for us to say, OK, we're done, like everyone else in her life has. The adoption is not for us, it's for her. It's so she knows that she is lovable, and that she BELONGS. It's not because we want another kid - especially one that someone ELSE messed up, when we worked so hard to make our OWN child happy and healthy. We'll take care of this girl until she is ready to take care of herself - for the rest of her life whether she legally belongs to us or not, but to actually adopt her, that gives her a sense of security and knowing that we're not getting rid of her, throwing her away, like everyone else has.

[hpfreak080]

I don't have any answers but I just wanted to say:

Your latest explanation brought tears to my eyes, it was so beautiful.

I hate that things like this happens to individuals! This girl is only a couple of years younger than me (I'm 19) and I can't IMAGINE having to deal with the feelings she's dealt with. I hope you are able to adopt her and give her that sense of security that I'm sure she is longing for.

Just because she's almost LEGALLY an adult doesn't mean she is MENTALLY an adult. I know I'm not and I'm 19 already...I still need my mom for things and am pretty clueless about some things.

I send you and your potential daughter my thoughts, prayers, and love. I hope everything works out for both of you =)

[deidredahn]

hpfreak,

Thank you so much. I love this girl so much. She calls me Mommy and says that we saved her life. She trusts me and my husband more than she's ever trusted anyone, and is just now getting to where she knows we aren't going to kick her out. For a long time, she pushed us away every chance she got - when she felt good, and was happy, she would get scared she was going to lose it, so she would try to fight it. So that "when" she lost us, it would be HER doing, not us rejecting her. She was finally in counseling this past year, because we fought and made her go. None of her past foster families took her, even though it was "required" of them. You're right, she's a long way from being an adult. I've seen behaviors in her that my 12 year old had when she was 5. I just thank God she was held back a year from missing so much school the year she was taken from her mom, so now we have 2 more years before college instead of one. I appreciate your post very much. And I agree with you - I can't imagine not having my mom to fall back on. I can't imagine knowing that everyone I love has given me up. Thank you again.

[Amom2four]

Once she turns 18, you can adopt her with only her consent. Maybe birthfather never knew about her and regardless of birthmothers poor motivation, maybe knowing that birthfather wanted to be sure she was okay as soon as he found out about her would help her realize that she is valuable.

[lovemy6]

Is there an update for us on the paternity test? It's a shame they didn't tpr the father by publication years ago so she could have been adopted seven years ago!

We adopted our two kids this year, after my dd aged out. My son was 19 1/2. DCFS had refused to tpr the birth mother, so we had to wait until the kids could sign their own consents to adopt.

There are a lot of legal things to think about that most people DON'T have to think about. Such as who consents for medical if something happens to the kids after they turn 18. Medical ends for most kids when they turn 18 and if they're not adopted, they can't go on their (foster) parent's insurance. If they have a child and something happened to the parent, who would be next of kin to the foster child's offspring?

Adoption is the only real legal way to formalize the relationship. I'm glad my kids are FULLY MY kids now!

[BrandyHagz]

I have edited one post to this thread to remove unfriendly language.

Out of respect for the different roles played in adoption - regardless of your personal experience - we ask that you use language that is not offensive to others when referring to someone by the role they play in the triad.

This typically means using language like "adoptive mother" in place of "adopter" or "adoptress" as well as "birth mother" or "first mother" in place of "birth woman" is required.

You may have language you use in the comfort of your own home - but here, we do require respectful labels to be used on the forums.

I am happy to answer questions via pm but will not get into a label/language debate on this thread regarding this moderating decision.

[happygmom]

I very much agree with the posts that point out that 18 means legal adulthood, but not emotional adulthood. Most young adults need and frequently ask for support and guidance from their parents into their early 20s.

If he does turn out to be her father, perhaps you could work out a visitation agreement with him if you and her counselor think it would be beneficial and healthy for her.

I hope all works out for you. I think you are wonderful for providing a secure home and family for an older child. My niece is a social worker and deals with kids aging out of the system. It is very sad.

All the best,

Happy G'Ma

[deidredahn]

Well, the paternity test was negative, which relieved some of the concerns about whether we'd be able to adopt her with minimum hang-ups, but of course it leaves her in the same place she was before - with no idea who or where her biological father is. She took it well - she's used to disappointments in her life - but it was a let-down for all of us, including the potential birth father.

We're still in the process of adoption.