[IanSean]

Well long story short as I can.....

We had a girl in June of 1989, Newly married, in the service (Navy) and due to get out within the year. We mutually agreed to put her up for adoption. Just starting out as we were, things were very difficult, uncertain future, pretty much poor, didn't have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of, so to speak.

Knew a fellow serviceman, married for a while, a very stable couple and they could not have kids. One discussion led to another, as events played out they wound up adopting our girl. Pretty much a no contact adoption other than we knew who they were, and I know her name.

Funny how things work out in the long run....we have been married going on 20 years now, a very good marriage, and have 2 more kids since. I always like to think that that moment in our lives and what we did wound up cementing our relationship with a common bond....so here we are 20 years later, commited to each other.

On to my recent conflict with my heart.....every so often over the years I would do an internet search, see where they were living (they did move around 4 or 5times, different states). Just to look, no contact on our part. Pretty much just find an address and leave it at that.

Well I recently did a search, and Whammo! Last year nothing but an address....this year Jackpot! She is 18 now, found a graduation list with her name on it from High School, a graduation list from Air Force Boot Camp, (very proud of that) with a picture, notice in a church circular for prayers for troops overseas with her name, found a myspace and facebook page with pictures, very happy to see pictures of her.

Needless to say I am happy for her, proud at the same time.

Our oldest daughter (15) knows she has a sister, we haven't told her about the recent info we found yet. Especially how easy she could make contact if she wanted to via facebook or myspace.

Though tempted to make contact ourselves, I am emotionally conflicted there also. I am of the school of thought that maybe she isn't ready to yet and leave it at that.

Any advice/comments would be greatlly appreciated.

[Blessed2x.]

18 is a tough age and it sounds like she is doing good things, but things that involve a lot of change. Maybe you could wait a little longer until it appears she is more settled then think about it again.

Does she know she's adopted?

I'm so glad you enjoy the joys of a good marriage and family life.

You might start now exploring the whole idea of reunion and how it affects you and the ones you love emotionally. I was stunned by the joy AND by an avalanche of feelings. Preparation beforehand can help you navigate the actual reunion in a much better way. Plus, if you do embark on it with a teen, you'll need to have patience and forbearance, I imagine!

Good luck to you!

[lglysson]

I would send a letter if you can and just let her know you are out there. That is what I did with my 18 year old daughter I gave up for adoption. She was happy to hear from me and we emailed a little then she said she wasn't ready for anymore contact. Just prepare yourself for a pull back, then even if there isn't, go slow. You can always take slow steps forward, it's the backing up thats hard. I would also not jsut spill all kinds of info, let her do the asking. I hope you have peace about this and that you do have a happy reunion ultimately.
Blessings

[IanSean]

18 is a tough age and it sounds like she is doing good things, but things that involve a lot of change. Maybe you could wait a little longer until it appears she is more settled then think about it again.

That's what I was thinking myself.

Does she know she's adopted?

Yes she does, but since we have had no contact we don't know if she was told who we are. We knew her parents and my wife wrote her a letter for when she was 18, but don't know to what extent they kept her informed..........if at all.

Just prepare yourself for a pull back, then even if there isn't, go slow. You can always take slow steps forward, it's the backing up thats hard. I would also not jsut spill all kinds of info, let her do the asking.

This is exactly how I would hope a reunion would go one day. Nice and slow and with her asking all the questions.

I hope you have peace about this and that you do have a happy reunion ultimately

You have no idea how I pray for a happy reunion. As far as peace....more like guilt Seeing how our family has turned out pretty well, don't know how she will eventually take it. Then the guilt I have for my daughter and son we raised, denying them an older sister.

Tough stuff......thank all of you for the replies, got a lot to think about.

[Janeytwo]

Dear IanSean,

As far as peace....more like guilt Seeing how our family has turned out pretty well, don't know how she will eventually take it. Then the guilt I have for my daughter and son we raised, denying them an older sister.

Hey there. I know it is a time-worn cliche, but still a wise one. Hindsight is always 20/20.

Who is to say how things would've gone for any of us, really? It is easy to judge ourselves from "up here" for the decisions we made "back there". But we were all different people then, in different situations. Our realities in those times did dictate our choices.

Granted, I like you (at least I suspect that you think this way from the tenor of your post), accept that the relinquishment of my children was my choice. But I, again - like you, felt that at the time it was the best possible choice to make in a field of less than optimal ones.

We were young, poor and frightened. That's all right, IanSean....we weren't the only ones. And there is some peace in that perhaps.

Keep posting, lots of good folk here.

Much peace your way today!

[ddvdave]

Originally Posted by IanSean

We mutually agreed to put her up for adoption.

How does your wife feel about the possibility of trying to make contact? She is, after all, her mother. I would think having that additional bond would make things all the more difficult for you both.

Although our situation is very different given that my birth daughter's Mom is not my wife, I can say that when my wife and I consciously agreed to "Open the door" after my birth daughter (14) through her mom made contact with us, nothing could have prepared us for the emotional roller coaster that followed.

It certainly has been a bumpy ride, but fortunately in our case things are working out well. That's not to say it has been easy, particularly since my wife isn't blood-related to my birth daughter, and doesn't have that bond. She can't directly relate to the bond between my bd and me.

Our oldest daughter (15) knows she has a sister, we haven't told her about the recent info we found yet. Especially how easy she could make contact if she wanted to via facebook or myspace.

We decided to tell our (raised) daughter (12) about her half-sister before we even knew that she wanted to meet her "other family". I'm glad your oldest daughter knows about her sister. Has she expressed any interest in trying to reach out to her? Given human nature, I'm sure she will at some point.

Though tempted to make contact ourselves, I am emotionally conflicted there also. I am of the school of thought that maybe she isn't ready to yet and leave it at that.

Would she know how to contact you if she wanted to? Given that she's 18 already, obviously you can reach out to her without too many legal implications, but she is also now a young adult, and may not be ready for the complications that will surely arise from contacting her birth parents.

I would suggest you make yourself accessible on Facebook or perhaps other web sites. That way if/when she's ready to find you, she will be able to more easily.

[EES07]

I know its been a while since you posted this thread, but I just wanted to give a little input. I was adopted as an infant and my birth parents also got married and had more kids. I was 23 when I met them and developed an incredible relationship with them and all of my siblings. If I were in your daughter's position, with so much great potential for a reunion, I would want to have that opportunity as soon as possible. I'm not saying to go out and contact her right this minute, but I wouldn't wait until she contacts you. I regret every day that I didn't contact my birth parents sooner (I had the means to do so, but was afraid).

The fact that you guys got married and are still together, makes your situation very unusual. It also presents a ton of different emotions and feelings than the typical situation when the parents aren't married, and there aren't full siblings involved. Regardless of how well, or not, that your daughter was raised, she will likely have a lot of feelings of loss and of missing out on life with the rest of her family.

I could go on forever about this, but my point is that I think you should contact her. Are you in the position to contact her adoptive parents since you used to be friends? I'm not sure of the best way to proceed, but I definitely think you should do it sooner rather than later.

Feel free to email me if you want more of her possible point of view. Good luck!

[keds]

Agree. I am in a fairly good reunion - frustrating as I want so much more too quickly and I'm ill so I believe time is limited but enough about me. Siblings need to "know" about each other asap. They will work it out. Maybe it's the "end of my life" talking but so much time is wasted posturing. Either people want or don't want to forgive, forget or, in the case of not knowing, want relationships. I married the bdad and, thanks to your post will ask bson next time if it is better or worse for him that we did. Isn't all about love and wanting to know we are a part of something or someone? Sorry, meds are strong at this stage and I'm frustrated. love and hugs to all my friends on the forums - it's been awhile since I've posted and I've just got the computer back in the room. ((hugs)) Kate

[Teenmom2007]

I'm a birthmom, and I know this a birthdad's forum. I was just curious from a birthfather's point of view on adoption. I noticed your situation...and I am as well an adoptee.
My parents divorced when I was young and I ended up living with "Dad" (the guy I thought was my father) until one day when I was 17 my mom out of anger called me and said that he wasn't my biological father. I was terribly upset moreso knowing the situation because I was 17, dad just got married, and it was very overwhleming. I had my own problems like school, social life, etc.
Well I ended up getting pregnant a short time after that and my placement with the adoptive parents is more than open.
As far as your situaiton goes, I think you should introduce the idea to her adoptive parents if she knows she's adopted. I don't think blood matters in who you call family, but in cases like this it kinda does.
I placed two years ago so my daughter is only 2 and won't know i'm her birth mother until she can comrehend it maybe around 5 or so.
I think that if your daughter knows she's adopted, introduce yourself, if not...think it over...ask her adoptive couple if everything is going on and if they suggest maybe would be a good time in her life to know...?
then again, like placing a child for adoption, this is all up to you good luck.