[Celtics]

I have reason to believe that I am the father of a 28 year old male. The mother left me and my abusive alcoholic behaviors while in her third month of pregnancy. In retrospect I admire her courage and selflessness to carry the child to term under very difficult circumstances.Other than an amends letter in 1994 I have had no contact with her. She married and raised the child along with two other children. I harbor no ill feelings.

I have since married and have four children three yet at home. By the grace of God I have been sober for sixteen years and have reformed my life. I have been busy with my family and haven't given much thought about this until recently.

Perhaps it is a middle age reflection but this past few months I think about the possibilities often. Considering all others, am I foolish to even consider making a contact with him? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Mike

[kelceesmom]

First of all Mike congratulations on being sober 16 years. Bill W would be very proud of you. It is a tough road.

I don't think you are being foolish at all. Should you be very careful yes. There are so many sides to your triangle but I believe you have the right to explore your options. And by the way I am an amom if that helps any.

[Celtics]

Denice.

Thanks for your encouragement. The abstinence has not been difficult which for me is really a matter of self preservation, but the self examination and search for proper motives can be confusing at times. The twelve steps are a real treasure along with the sacraments. Congrats on your adoption!

Mike

[Jackiejdajda]

Mike.. I used the amends step to urge me along on my search for my bson..
I had to tell him I was sorry.. so very sorry I relinquished him..
Others would say to me.. “you were forced to relinquish etc etc”.. but I know I in some ways did harm..

I did find my bson.. and I did say I am sorry.. and I will not abandon him again..
Even tho some will say “you have no day to day contact”.. I say I am open to it whenever he wants it.. at the cost of myself.. as my emotions go all ways when I speak with him on the phone and it is very hard for me..

I say send feelers out.. look for him.. do a search and get your answers.. and know that things change..
I was married to an acting out man and he stopped drinking in 1985 and he is the nicest man in the world.. and I love him.. hands down..

Just today.. all there is..

Jackie

[Celtics]

jackie,

Thanks for your comments. I've never considered an amends in regard to him but you are so correct. I was really a self centered coward back then. My concern is what he has been told. Will it harm him or others? Am I being selfish for wanting this? I can't help but think that I, only in the natural way, helped to create a soul for eternity.

Yes thank God for the grace to change. Today I have a fine wife and wonderful children all oif which would not be possible without the program

[Jackiejdajda]

Celtics

I've never considered an amends in regard to him but you are so correct. I was really a self centered coward back then. My concern is what he has been told. Will it harm him or others?

I was afraid to connect with my bson..
I went to an adoptee type conference once.. and spoke with a woman from ALMA (Adoptees' Liberty Movement Association), and I told her that I was afraid to contact him because I did not want to disturb his life..

She told me something that has stayed with me.. She told me that all I had to do was connect with him and tell him I had information that he may need.. and that I wanted to give it to him and what ever went on from there was up to him..
Get in and get out in other words..

Am I being selfish for wanting this?

An awful lot of posts posted here and elsewhere speak about the adoptee wanting to find out about their birthfather..
It seems to be a need..

I can't help but think that I, only in the natural way, helped to create a soul for eternity.

And you want to know what happened.. how he is doing.. there is no harm in that.. not in my thinking..
And trust me it helps.. My bson and I are not connecting a lot and I am okay with it.. I just like the fact that I can think of him and know where he is in the world..

Yes thank God for the grace to change. Today I have a fine wife and wonderful children all oif which would not be possible without the program

My husband quit drinking in 1985.. We did drugs before and after that.. My parents were drinkers..
Alanon is my base group.. but I qualify for other ones..

I love the steps of AA.. I love what they tell us.. and I continue to reach out to others.. Most especially birthmoms that are still in hiding.. still unable to tell what they need to tell..

Jackie

[JustPeachy]

I would reach out. If nothing else, you could pass along your medical history to your son. He's 28 years old, certainly old enough to decide if he would like to accept contact with you. Reach out, but make it clear that you do not wish to disrupt his life, however you would be open to contact, if this is what he desires.

[Celtics]

Thanks to all for your suggestions. Amazing the compassion eminating from sharing similar experiences.

I do want to reach out but at this point my wife is a bit appprensive. I will proceed with caution and patience.

A prayer directed my way would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Mike

[kelceesmom]

Mike just like the big book says. One day at time or even one hour at a time. Being in the other program I know where your wife is coming from. You know it is part fear. Just keep her informed and listen to her also. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Celtics]

Your thoughts on this proposed letter would be much appreciated. Thanks,

Mike

July 16, 2008


Dear Karl,

Please forgive me for being so blunt but considering the circumstances, I think it to be the right approach.

My name is Mike and I believe I am your birth father. If your mother’s maiden name is Deborah , the aforementioned is likely to be true.(I saw your picture on MySpace and see a strong resemblance) Perhaps you know this and have no interest in contact with me. Please know that I do not want to disrupt your life in any way and any future contact will be initiated by you if you so choose. At this time however, I would just like to share a few things with you. I hope you don’t mind.

You and I have no relationship today because of the way I treated your mother years ago. Under duress and pregnant with you she left here for safer confines. ( I saw her once since then and that was before you were born.) Considering those circumstances, she displayed great courage and selflessness in giving birth to you. God bless her I deeply regret the way I treated her, in part because I deprived myself of knowing you. I hope you can forgive me. With16 years of sobriety and18 years without tobacco, a spiritual program and the grace of God, I’m not the same person today as I was back then. I am married and have four children.

I would like to share some medical history with you. Hypertension is prevalent on my father’s side of the family. My paternal grandfather died of a heart attack at he age of 54 and my father died of a stroke at the age of 47. All my siblings have cholesterol levels above 300 and high blood pressure. My cholesterol is 215 and blood pressure is in the normal range. Alcohol addiction is also present. My deceased grandfather, a brother and I are or were admitted alcoholics. Alcohol abuse is present on my mother’s side as well. My maternal grandmother suffered from glaucoma to the point she was blind at her death. My mother suffers that as well. My paternal grandmother suffered greatly from rheumatoid arthritis. Hopefully this information will provide you with an awareness future possibilites and aid you in preventing them.

At this time I don’t know what else I might add. I just wish you all the joy and happiness life has to offer. My thoughts and prayers always.

Sincerely Yours,


Michael E 923 Briggs Av

[bmomto2_momto2]

Mike,

I think that is a great first letter. You offer no excuses, no expectations, and provide him with valuable medical information. You leave any further contact to be initiated by him and that is definitely the way it would be handled. The only thing I might like to suggest is that you be sure to let him know whether or not you would be open to further communication. A simple statement such as " If you choose to initiate further contact, please know that I am open to this and am willing to continue at a pace of your comfort and choosing." Lastly, to prevent the scenario of not knowing, be sure to send the letter certified, return receipt requested. Best of luck to you and congratulations on your continued sobriety.

[Jackiejdajda]

Mike great letter..

One step at a time.. one day at a time..
You have the tools to deal with whatever happens.. I used my program when I met up with my bson and it helped..

Jackie

[kelceesmom]

Mike,
That is a great letter. You show that you are willing to take a step in a relationship, yet you are leaving the ball in your sons corner. I do believe that even if children aren't ready for a relationship it is so important to have medical history. You are a brave person to put yourself out there. Good luck and keep us posted.

[One_Happy_Momma]

I think this is a great contact letter. I like the fact that you took responsibility for your actions. The only thing that bothers me a bit (and bother is a strong word, more like I would change the wording type of thing) is this part:

Originally Posted by Celtics

I am married and have four children.

You didn't include him, I would be hurt for my daughters if they ever received a letter from their birthparents and excluded them as part of their children. I guess I just wouldn't want them to feel rejected.

Good luck!

[carolynppk]

Hi Mike! Congratualtions on your sobriety! What an accomplishment! I am an adoptee, female, 42 years old. I liked your letter. It was striaght forward as the one poster said and I do like that you did not make excuses, you told it as it was and yet were compassionate and very gracious and spoke well of his mother.

I, as an adoptee, would not be offended for you to say you have four children now. Especially since you are not 100% sure this is your child and the fact that you did not parent him. Maybe better wording to cover all bases would be, since your mother left I have married and had four children. This way it is unassuming. How it is written, he may be upset you didn't include him as one of your children when you mention how many children you have yet, he may be upset that you presume to be a father to him and included him in your count. You have no way of knowing how he feels, so with the wording I suggested, it doesn't offend either way. (Not that I would be offended, but as the one posted mentioned, they might, and since you have no way of knowing where his head is at better safe than sorry.)

I think you have the right to reah out to him. Give him time to process everything and give him the right to accept or decline. I think it is wonderful you gave him his health information, rather than using it as a carrot, so to speak, (i.e., if you would like health information, contact me...) He sees by you giving what information he may wonder about with no strings attached, you truly care about him and his feelings.

Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.

Carolyn