[Xdad]

Hello. 15 years ago I was younger and a different person. I was scared, betrayed, and confused and let my 3 week fling turn into a 15 year punishment.
I dated a friend from high school years after graduation, we were ga ga over each other, but had nothing in common, and little to talk about. I went back to college (had a life threatning injury, so was out for a couple years). We talked on the phone, but long distance relationship for two who didn't talk much...dead end. We had dated for 3 weeks and had intercourse twice...very drunk.
I was raised MORMON in a child abusive home (as they called it, 'twas but a house), so I certianatly had self esteem issues and so on, and so on.
I recived a phone call from a friend of mine that she was now pregnant. She had relations as well with a friend/ of mine prior to our adventure.
I was upset that I had to hear this from a friend, let alone at all.
I went back to her town to talk with her about this, and she was religious, and I was young. She offered me an option to come back and be a part of the childs life, or to go back and we'd never speak again. I went back.
Shortly after my daughter was born, I recieved a letter from child support. She got married and wanted money to help raise her. I was hurt that I again wasn't contacted in person before I am served with papers. I was asked for crazy money for child support, and had to fight it. She dropped the case and asked for custody (adoption). I signed the papers.
I met her at some point for 20 minutes, but the parents came home, and I was embarrased and left.
I was given a couple baby pictures, but they were taken from my house along with many pictures of me, so I assume one of our joint friends pulled that off.

So, for the past 15 years I have been patient and still respecting her birthmom's wishes, and this error has been on my mind.
I was married a year after she was born, still am to the same girl, and have no intentions of having children.
I think that this is something to do with it, or that we both came from abusive homes.
Anyway, for the past ten years, I have been searching the internet for any mention of her, or her mother, and nothing ever came up...that changed 2 nites ago, when I found my daughter's picture online.
Now, what to do. I feel very remorseful for the way we both acted, but in the end she was right.
I am trying to get the nerve up to contact my daughters birthmom, but am nervous. Should she care? I dug my hole, should I still sleep in it? What would a 15 year old think about her birth father?..should she care?
My family issues make me a bit callous when it comes to blood and flesh, so, who am I to her anyway? just some 40 year old rocker? another reason to lash out at mom (she's 15 for godsake),
I know what to do, write the letter, but who else has done the same.
Now that i saw her picture, and that she looked so much like me, has got me even more...obsessive?
Yikes?

[quantum]

Hi,
I got pregnant with my son over 23 years ago. We were both young, it was a summer fling.
I didn't tell the father about my pregnancy until I was told (at around 8 months) that it would make it a shorter time for the child to be in foster care if he gave his consent. I didn't contact him directly.

Anyway, now I'm in reunion and of course my son is curious! He is curious about medical information as well.
I had had a bit of a bitter feeling about the birthfather. He was far from supportive, his parents thought I was after money etc. However, my mother mentioned that he had sent a letter of apology.. I letter I never got to see. That and reunion have made me think a bit. Maybe I judged the birthfather too harshly. I have no chance of finding him, since I'd blocked out his last name.

I guess what I'm saying is, you don't really have anything to lose. It's hard to know what the mother has been telling her daughter all these years, but since you want to, I think it's worth approaching.
I guess some things I would keep in mind if I were you are.
1)You could get any reaction, are you ready for that? both negative AND positive?
2)Your daughter IS a minor. Please respect that and her mother.
3)Be honest.

You seem genuine from your post. Personally I don't see anything wrong with saying what you've said here in a letter or email to the mother.

Good luck! Keep us informed.

[Lumpkin]

Originally Posted by quantum

...you don't really have anything to lose....

And everything to gain... like ruining the life that this girl knows just to satisfy your curiosity.

I would NOT like to be in your shoes. I couldn't handle the pain. However, I would NEVER instigate a reunion, I'd make my information easily attainable, and wait and wait and wait.

[quantum]

Originally Posted by Lumpkin

And everything to gain... like ruining the life that this girl knows just to satisfy your curiosity.

I would NOT like to be in your shoes. I couldn't handle the pain. However, I would NEVER instigate a reunion, I'd make my information easily attainable, and wait and wait and wait.

It sounds like you haven't had such a great reunion experiance. I don't know your story, sorry.

There is no guarentee that he will ruin his daughter's life. I'm sure she knows she has a father out there somewhere.
At the very least she has a right to her medical information, don't you think?

Sorry, I'm feeling a bit jumped on by your post.

[Dickons]

I would love to know my birth father. Post your search on registries - not just message boards. Set up a myspace page or... make yourself visible on the internet that you want contact with your child (even though you have found her...she may need to find you).

Above all else, remember her age...very vulnerable time in a teenagers life.

Find a way to reunion...even if it is in the future due to her age. Start compiling a detailed family medical history for her...if she ever needs it, it could make a big difference.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Lumpkin]

Originally Posted by quantum

Sorry, I'm feeling a bit jumped on by your post.

Sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I strongly disagree with an parent being the instigator in the reunion with their birth child. There are WAY too many reasons why I believe this, but first and foremost is the psychological impact of placing this information on the shoulders of someone who may not be prepared/ready/knowledgeable for this.

I firmly believe that if the child goes searching, then the birth parents information should be made freely available (if they wish). However, there are so many unknowns about the child's situation that cannot be determined until it is too late to undo the damage of making that first contact from the birth parent. If the birth parent cares about the child, then they should be willing to endure the pain as long as it takes (forever if needed) until the child is ready to seek them out. No amount of arguing, sidestepping, or stomping of feet will change my mind in this matter.

[Oceans]

Xdad: I don't think there is anything wrong with contacting her Mom. There are things that you want to apologize for and 15 years is a long time. People can soften. It's also very likely that your daughter may have some questions for you - if not now then someday. Someone having your contact info available is a good thing. The hardest part about ALL of this (coming from a bmom going thru it) is getting your thoughts straight before you make the call or send the letter. I wish you the best of luck - please let us know how it goes and stick around here. This is a great place to learn and get support.

Lumpkin: I'm not sure how you think contacting this girls Mom could "ruin" his DD's life. I grew up w/an awsome aDad but that didn't stop me from wanting to know my birthdad. Everyone is different .... If you have a personal story, then I would suggest you share that to support a blanket assumption that adoptee's lives are "ruined" when bparents make contact -

Some adopteed people don't want to know... Xdad needs to be prepared for that and respect both DD's and her Mom's wishes, but it is entirely possible that DD would like to know him.

[Xdad]

Thanks gang,
I am sorry that somebody has dumped on Lumpkin , but there seem to be other issues in the case of lumpkin that have nothing to do with my situation. I say that after reading other entries my Lumpkin. I come from a really bad family situation, so I can't trust my "family" instincts. My information is very accesible, but I imagine that the birthmom (thats actually funny calling her a birthmom) has reservations as she really doesn't know me very well. I assume that she thinks that a reunion is the last thing on my mind. I have kept in contact with enough people over the years that she could get ahold of me if she wanted. My feelings are that once a child has the capability to process the information that it is child abuse to not let the child know. I hoped and hoiped that I was adopted, but unfortunatly I wasn't.
So, I will be writing my initial letter this week.

[Lumpkin]

I have to eat a little crow and apologize here. I am sorry that I jumped without rereading. I had originally read that the mother was being trumped and that the contact was contemplated with the child.

As far as my statement, obviously nobody's life is automatically ruined for a child who doesn't know about, or doesn't want to know about the adoption, but the 1% chance that you'd springing this on a person who isn't prepared to deal with it, is a "life altering" event that frankly isn't deserved by the adopted person. It isn't worth it. If you put the information out there, when they are ready, they will find it. In this case, I think the poster was right (and I misread.. sorry!) to contemplate contacting the mother, as this would be a form of getting the information out there without directly impacting the child. Way to go!

[bmomto2_momto2]

Xdad,

First let me say that we all make mistakes. Some of them can have very devastating effects, but no one is perfect. I feel like I can relate very closely to what you are going through. I have 4 children... all of them except for one share the same father. My husband and I were not married when she was conceived and we were not together either. She was conceived when I was young and having a lot of personal issues in my life (which brings down a person's self-esteem). The father was someone that I had a very casual relationship with. While he knew I was pregnant... he also knew that shortly after we were together I became involved with someone and so there was no guarantee that he was the father. Furthermore, he had zero interest in being a father. I knew our relationship was casual and certainly didn't want to pressure him into being a father. Well as my daughter got to be about 15... it became extremely important to her to know who her father was and try to reach out to him (my husband has been her father and she still feels that way). I contacted the two men and we had dna testing done. It turns out that her father had been recently divorced, was in a committed relationship with a woman who has a teenage boy, had no children of his own and had a vasectomy years ago as he believed he would never want children. He has been excited to know our daughter. Things go up and down in their relationship, but they are both trying. I would say that anyone can be forgiven. I have no idea what your daughter knows of you or how she feels about you and any possibility of a relationship with you. However, it is definitely worth the risk. Best of luck to you.

[browneyes0707]

My ex ran scared 16 years ago when he learned I was pregnant. I think it always "haunted" him so to speak, but he shut down everytime I tried to talk to him about the daughter we placed. I knew he would eventually come to deal with it, and I was right. 9 years ago he made it known to me that he wanted to be found if I was ever contacted. 4 years ago he expressed interest to search and asked me for whatever info I had. 2 years ago I found more info and pics, and shared them with him, and that pushed him to make contact.

Was he a jerk then, yeah. But we all grow up. I am still hurt by some of the things he did, but I can't hold a 35 year old man accountable for his 18 year old actions forever. He's not the same person. Hopefully your daughter's mom will feel the same. But it doesn't hurt to put yourself out there, in case there is an interest.

As far as what a 15 year old would want from her birthfather, I know little about what happened after my ex contacted DD, but from what I was told, she isn't ready for a relationship, but is happy to know that he thinks of her and loves her. I think that is enough, you know?

Good luck! Keep us posted.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I don't see any reason not to contact the birth mother of your child. If she doesn't want to know, she can tell you, but let it be her choice to make.

I think what Lumpkin meant to say is that it's not okay for you to attempt to directly contact to a minor (your daughter is 15)...it generally sets up a difficult situation and lots of conflict for everyone. Even if the child welcomes it initially, there may be lots of fallout it would be best to avoid. It's just not a good idea.

If you want to contact your ex- go for it. If you want to contact your daughter, you need to find a way to get in touch with her parents first, introduce yourself, ask them to get in touch with you or share some info with their duaghter, but be prepared that you may have to wait until she is older for direct contact with the girl. Hopefully her parents will handle things well and you can begin building a relationship of trust on both sides. But either way you don't want to put your daughter in the middle of a tug-of-war between you and her parents or set up a situation where she is lying to them or sneaking, or ruin a chance at having a good relationship with everyone and being welcome in her family because you get started on the wrong foot.

Best wishes! Keep us updated!

[lovemy2boys]

I think you should contact her and tell her what you posted here...

My son's firstmom and dad went through the same thing - she told him she was pregnant, and he ran for the hills.

Six years later, he found her and wrote her a very heartfelt apology for how he treated her and that he hoped she would forgive him...which she did (and it's not always easy for her to forgive, so it was a very big step for her, but she did so because he was so sincere and as she said, everyone deserves a second chance).

And although they aren't the best of friends, they certainly have a greater amount of respect for each other.

Best of luck to you!

[Leigh131313]

I am reading this and am a little confused...

You are calling her a birthmother - does that mean the baby was placed for adoption with another family?

OR, do you mean she is the mother and you signed away your legal rights and gave her full parental rights.

Sorry, I'm just confused....

[ocracoke]

Originally Posted by Lumpkin

Sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I strongly disagree with an parent being the instigator in the reunion with their birth child.

I know we each have our own opinions on this. I will say that I was very angry with my birth mom that she NEVER searched. She wanted contact. She wanted to know me. But she believed it was my responsibility. I believed she had just as much responsibility to search as I did. It would have been nice if she had taken some initiative. It may have seriously helped our reunion. And I believe that no matter who searches -- you still have a right to ask for no contact later in the reunion if that is in your best interest.

Samantha