[Xdad]

Well, since the intrusive phone call last month, I have recieved no communication from her mother. Everything that I have been told, heard, or said myself is pointing to the fact that her mother/dad are pure and simple liars. Pure, meaning that they think that their lies are protective, and simple so that I can see right through them. I am more than convinced that my suspicions of the pregnancy are absolutely correct, and that I made the best decision possible by staying away as long as I did. This doesn't change the feelings that I have for my daughter, but it does fill me full of rage that I am going to at some point have to unravel this story for my daughter, and how that is going to affect her in the future. All along I assumed that I was the screw-up in this, when it was actually the Mother of my Daughter. A sick sick world I tell ya.
Anyway, I am one click away from deleting her Mother from my friends list. For one, it is apparent that we will never be friends, or even confidants...let alone team players. I think the only reason I don't delete her, is the " I told ya so" that would immediately spew from her mouth... I have no real reason at this point to continue the "false" friendship on facebook, my daughter has every means to contact me, and I am pretty easy to find on the internet.

So, should I send a letter of intent, before I delete her?
Should I even delete her?
Should I call her and try to sort things out?
Should I get a private investigator? lol?
Should I just relax?
At what point should someone blow a whistle and call "shenanigans"?

argh!

[quantum]

Xdad,

I think you need to chill.
I know this is tough, but your journey here has been filled with some serious ups and downs.
I know it's easy to lay all the blame on the mom, but you've admitted yourself that you were at fault on some issues.
Your daughter is at a vulnerable age. Be happy that she's gotten to know who you are a little and that she knows where to find you when she's ready. If the parents that are raising her are lying, it will turn around and bite them on the behinds later.

If you want to delete her mom, just do it. Personally, I'd just let her sit there and forget about her. KWIM? Why set yourself up for getting trashed?

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Janeytwo]

Hey XDad,

Man what a mess! It sounds like you're really being put through the ringer.

First let me say I agree 100% with Quantum. I wouldn't delete the bmom from my Facebook account if I were you. Manipulative people look for any advantage to prove themselves right and everyone else wrong. I suspect that if you delete her, she'll go straight to your dd and use that as proof to back up her lies; to say that you really don't care after all.

I'd just let her sit there too if it were me. If she contacts you on Facebook, politely respond and let it go at that. Never give the gunman more ammo, ya know?

Also - don't delete her! Keep every single piece of correspondence you get from her from this point on. You may need it to show to your dd later.

IMO - Whatever you do, don't call her to sort things out. You can't change people; you can only accept who they are and operate from that knowledge. Trust me, I've learned that one the hard way.

((( XDad ))) I am sorry that this woman told such terrible lies and that it is your daughter who is paying the price for that.

Feel your anger, work through it, accept it and then hang tough my friend.

Your only priority is your future relationship with your daughter. I would try my best - even when you're boiling mad - to keep the focus on that and take it off the craziness of the bmom and her husband.

Hope I've been of some help.

Have a better one!



hey god, there's nothing left for me to hide
i lost my ignorance, security and pride
i'm all alone in a world you must despise
hey god, i believed the promises, the promises and lies

terrible lie

NIN

[Xdad]

Currently chilling. I am so done with the whole wondering, and the feelings I get when I know I am being lied to. I gave up my rights, and I have to accept that... I do recognize that I made the best decision that there was available to me at the time, and that my daughters life would have been worse had I tried to keep a relationship going with her mother...
I am trying to think "downstream" if anyone knows what I am talking about.
And it is true...I am the
Muah-ha ha ha!
Thanks for the stern orders.

[kakuehl]

Hi,
I've been thinking about you and your daughter and her family. I guess I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter has been told some negative stuff about you, especially by her mom. It may well be her mom's reality when she thinks of the "you" she knew 16 years ago. Truth has many facets. We bring our own emotions and experiences to any situation. I think it is hard sometimes for birthmoms to accept the fact that the ex has grown and matured over the years and isn't the same person who behaved in a particular way so many years ago.

There are definitely some positives in your situation. You daughter does seem to have some interest in you and she knows where to find you (another reason to keep your FB account open.) 16 is such a difficult age for kids: they think they are adults even though they aren't. They are pulling away from parents and often parents are over-protective and pull back too hard. It's hard to set boundaries for teens: they need them and want they, but they fight them all the way!

I assume by thinking downstream you are looking to the future which will come in due time. Let this float for the time being and spend your effort on the parts of your life you can effect!

[Janeytwo]

Hey Kathy!,

I think it is hard sometimes for birthmoms to accept the fact that the ex has grown and matured over the years and isn't the same person who behaved in a particular way so many years ago.

Excellent point. We all want to say "I've changed" and be believed.

But when others have done us wrong, we don't want to give them the same latitude we ourselves have asked for.

I heard this saying once that if we were to pass ourselves on the street 10 years from now, we wouldn't recognize ourselves.

That has certainly been true for me. I am not the person I was 10 years ago.....certainly not the girl I was back in the day.

Great thread.

[Xdad]

I could be easily picked out of a crowd... I have changed emensely on the inside, but that **** fountain of youth has preserved me so much so that at 40 I get carded for ciggies. LOL.

when I say downstream, I am referring to a philosophy found in "the Power of attraction" by Ester and Jerry Hicks. I am actually reading their book, "The power of emotion" or something like that. Makes sense to me.

I am sure my daughter is a rebel. Her dad comes from a super religious background, and my daughter has made enough comments that shows me she doesn't agree with some of the philosophy... and that must be hard for her Dad...I am sure he feels that he is "losing" her, as do most parents do when their kids get into their teens... amplified by my recent appearance.

I imagine he feels that she is pushing him away, and fears that he may lose her to me. Understandable. It has been a tough ride so far, but with the encouragement here, and from the books I get my hands on, I am doing well.

I have said goodbye to the things I cannot change for things that are relevant, and are under my power of control. ... I am on an upswing. Not at 100%, but more like 60%.

[Xdad]

Here is the new news...

After a couple "exchanges" on FB, my daughters mothers has decided we need to talk in person. Something I wanted to do last year, but didn't think her mother was ready.

We were planning atrip to Ohio earlier on this year for the halloween season, but realised that we couldn't afford it.
Now, it seems that we will be flying to Ohio, NOV 6th... my oldest friends are having their award winning halloween party on the 7th, then THE CULT is playing in Detroit on the 6th, and Cleveland on the 9th (my 41st bday, and the town I saw them live for the 1st time in 1986), and a possible 1st Meeting with my Daughter!
Her mother said she mentioned that I was coming to town for dinner, and said she asked if she would be interested in meeting me.. she said "I don't know" and ran off for school.
Regardless, this is a great step for us "adults" to try to understand each other.

What kind of birthday is this one going to be???? Stay tuned...

[Xdad]

It's off. more details under search and reunion.