[Xdad]

So true. It is hard not mixing up the past with the present. I have already limited my time on facebook. My conversations now, can only be about the present, and the future. Still unsure about the meeting in NOV. It was designed to break down the barriers that we had set up, and gain trust of each other. I feel that we already have that established, so now the only reason to meet in NOV is to give my daughter the chance if she is feeling it. I think that it is doubtfull that she'll make a guest apperance, and then all that is left is a strange meeting. We havent booked the trip (there are other items in this trip that are non daughter related) but my schedule is so crazy that we might cancell anyway. My next conversation with my ex will have to be very carefull.
I have finally wrapped my head around the fact that my daughter won't have the courage for a while, and now I am prepared for that. My ex says that my daughter is deeply hurt
I think you are right that allot of this confusion is fantasy based, but there are some strong emotions flying all over the place. I am starting to read a book called "the power of NOW" by some guy called Elkhart Toole (close?), and I am going to the shrink on wed.
Rough last week, but feeling much better yesterday, and today. Thanks for your wisdom!

[quantum]

I just wanted to put a couple of words in here. The internet can be very powerful and very dangerous when it comes to starting new or rekindling old relationships. It's easy, but not always wise.
I'm glad you're backing off a bit, as we say here about being in reunion and so on, there is no rush, you've got the rest of your lives.
Concentrate on what your daughter wants and needs and not on the relationship with her mother which could just be a trip in a bit of a fantasy land.

[Xdad]

So here it is many more months down the road. Aparently my daughter is in thereapy, and the Bmom is no longer answering my emails. I am deeply hurt, and much like my life...feeling left out. I deserve it. Therapy for me is a waste of time, round and round. My wife isn't vert supportive in this matter, and that is a strrain on our relationship, now joint therapy today to find out why I married a robot. It seems that the birthmom and fam are planning a move. I cannot even look at her picture anymore, unless I jack up on abilify (ha ha). That's the update, please enjoy my grief.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Xdad,

I was on my way to the kitchen to make dinner when I passed the computer and thought I'd check out the forum for a minute.

I saw your note here and wanted to send some heartfelt compassion your way.

Some of us bmoms have talked among ourselves many times about how much relinquishment of our children effected whom we would subsequently marry.

There was this pervascent need - at least for me - to be part of a team........to seem respectable and finally good enough that someone married me. Anyone married me.

:-(

Relinquishing does something to the ego I think as well as the heart. I have often felt "less than".

In marraige I've come to think that spouses are often afraid when their "other half" as it were enters into therapy. Because that means change is coming. The dynamics of power, of intimacy, of communication...all of it...the whole kit'n'kaboodle comes into question.

Perhaps it frightens people because they know that now they will also have to change and they resent it.

I am sorry that you are struggling now with the grief over your BDaughter and the strain it has brought to your marraige.

Keep talking to us okay?

We're listening! :-)

Much peace your way today!

Oh.......as a postscript......... you don't deserve to be unhappy. Not at all. Look, you're trying....trying to come to terms with the past and to make a new start in the now. That's never easy. Trust me on that.

[Xdad]

Thanks Janey, sometimes I can't help but look at the bad, and ignore the good... hell, we've got some concerts coming up, and a new cd coming out, so that hopefully will keep me distracted. As far as the ambilify (or whatever) I decided it is not for me...to **** scary. Thanks again.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Do you know why her mom (your ex) has stopped responding to your emails? Did something happen? Or did she just stop responding?

Therapy will hopefully be a good thing for your daughter- dealing with all this as an adult can be hard enough, and at 14 it might be a little overwhelming combined with everything else, so therapy will hopefully help her cope and stay healthy.

Do you know why they are moving? Do you have any avenue to just express your openness for the future and keep your contact info current with them?

[Sweetie]

Xdad~ I'm sorry that they appear to be shutting you out right now. Like life, the reunion process is very fluid and consumed with highs and lows. This is one of the lows for you.
You said that you have no other children. I'm going to assume then that you may not know the extreme range of emotions a teenager experiences on a daily basis, with no traumatic events being thrown at them. I can only imagine that at 15, this situation is beyond her own comprehension. She has safely and probably somewhat bitterly, placed you in an emotional lock box that she assumed would be closed forever, and now you are here, open, unlocked and all.
I don't know if any of this makes sense to you but I'm trying to get you to step away from your own misery to take a glimpse into hers. She is here because of you and you are here for her. I don't for one second want to minimize your pain, I know it all too well. I just hope that you can try to understand where she and her mother are right now and allow them the time they deserve. She will come around.

[Xdad]

Well, it is almost a year from my attempt to talk to my daughter, well, provided her mother with my information as she is a minor. The relationship between her mother and I seemed to be going well, too well. Anyway, the last contact I had with her mother was at least 4 months ago. In the meantime, my life has been up and down, and in and out of the therapist, and trying some pills. In the course of Facebooking I befriended my cousin that was born around the same time as my daughter, so you can imagine that I know her as well as my daughter as family reunions isn't anything we do. Well, in getting to know my cousin, she I tell her about my daughter, and the situation. She then goes on Facebook, and send her an email. So I guess they have been talking alot, and any teenager girl does, and my daughter finally sent me a message telling me how she was sorry for being so nasty in the past, and how she is happy to relieve the bitterness that she has been holding onto, but not to tell her mother that we spoke.... THIS I AM NOT TOO COOL WITH. Although I enjoy the 2nd party messaging, i'd rather not have my cousin involved to that degree, and really not the way I want to go about it. That beings said, i let my cousin know that, and my daughter is going to talk to her mother soon. so, in the mean time... no more 2nd party texting. But I am relieved that she is coming to terms. This all comes to me when I need it the most... I got let go from my Band, and haven't had to work in a few months, argh! But Yay... where is that dancing Banana... there ya go! I wish my daughter luck, as I am not so sure her mother wants her to talk to me. If not, she turns 18 in 2 years, and then the "gloves" come off! j/k
Thanks for all the support, I know I am not the best when it comes to support, but you guys are primo.

[Janeytwo]

Hey there!

IMO - you made the right decision on the texting thing with your cousin.

Sounds like things are going better with your daughter's feelings. Teens...they're emotions are so all-over-the-place it is difficult to keep things on an even keel. It's good though - IMHO - that you're being consistent in sending your message of how much you care.

Hugs to ya!

[Xdad]

Well, it seems that my daughter has asked if she can talk to me, or rather, she told her Mother that she wants to talk to me. I don't know what all happened, but it did not go in my favor. This seems to be a setback, but I look at it as progress. Her mother certainly has some issues. The downer on this is that it seems that my daughter asked a 24 yr old religious zealot for some advise, and this person posted the following on her Blog:

Hmm its been a while..
Have you ever wondered what people think when they do things? Im not talking about things like saving the environment or what outfit they picked out of their closet thismorning. no im talking about life altering decisions that effect people other than themselves. Things like abortion, abuse, abandonment, murder, stuff like that. What crosses peoples mind when they're about to make that choice?
Selfishness comes to mind.
Example 1: Guy gets girl pregnant (yes girl is responsible too). Guy knows girl is pregnant and leaves her to raise the child alone. What goes through his mind? How could any loving father, worthy of respect do that? oh yeah i forgot to add this last part. Guy waits 15 years and comes back for the baby? what is that? why the sudden change of heart? it makes absolutely no sense.

Example 2: Guy gets girl pregnant (again girl is responsible too). Girl cant handle stress of having a child "im not ready" or "i didn't ask for this". guess what! your the one that chose to have sex. incase you werent paying attention in health class in 7th grade, GUY SPERM + GIRL EGG= BABIES!! WOOHOO!! sorry for that little educational moment there but you just needed to know. you decide to have sex there is a chance that you could end up pregnant!! so your punishing an innocent human being for your actions? how does that make sense either?!

Example 3: blah blah same as the first sentance, girl ends up pregnant. Girl cannot take care of child properly and puts child in orphanage. yes this is better than just leaving the baby out to die or aborting it, but do you realize how much emotional pain this child could suffer because of your actions?

The whole point in writing this blog is this:
1. If you've been hurt by your parent (s), you cant blame yourself! it was your parent (s) decision.
2. If you are searching and cant find anything to fill that void that you have becuase of the lack of parent, God can fill that void (sorry to be all 'spiritual' on you there but it needs to be said)
3. if you need me or have any questions im here!!
4. you MUST be forgiving of your parent (s). now forgiving doesn't mean you say you forgive them and then put yourself in a vulnerable position to get hurt! that would be very reckless. dont do that. my advice is forgive them and move on with your life

thats all for now

-----------------------
allot of what she says makes sense, the rest sounds like a 24 yr old, who hasn't lived in any ones shoes, and believes in a perfect world. The second example...doesn't even give an example....This blog entry is TOTALLY about me. ("you're so vain, I bet you think this song is about you")...ha, but it IS! Anyway, it seems that this person is a Teacher/ teacher assistant at my daughters school...a christian school, so they have different rules I guess. Anyway, I trust that my daughter smart enough to see right through this persons one-sided closed mind rant.
For now, I am happy that there is at least something going on, and that I did get some peace from things she had relayed to me. Something has definatly come to it's head, and now time to hang on for the ride, as I expect some ridiculous rationalizations.
As long as my daughter listens to both her heart and head, we'll be just fine.

( I did go through this blog listing and correct the English, but then, I changed it back so everybody can see the proficient skills this "teacher" has".)

[cetalley]

XDAD, I have kept up on your post, and find it both saddening, and yet enlightened at the same time. Mainly I think, that each of us grow, for if we did not, we could never learn and become, hopefully, a better, smarter, loving person. This seems to be the direction you are heading in. It is also, too rare, that we see "men" able to profess true feelings of them selves (At least verbally, or written. ) Your daughter is young, in her element and finding out who it is she wishes to be. I would never go back to that age in a million years...but that is me. If you can just remember what it was like...from a males point of view...ten-fold that, and you have a slight glimpse into a females point of view. As females tend to be very emotional, and definately deal with those emotions differently than males. NO bashing intended! Hell, I am 46 now, and cry at the drop of a pin I, along with all these other women, know what it is like to sit and wait...then wait some more. You are given no choice in this stage of your journey. Therapy can be healing, but finding something that will keep you busy, will carry you far, and show your daughter, what you are capable of being. I saw where you are/were unemployed, finging a job, volunteering, anything is better than sitting...and waitng(well almost anything). Becoming, a wiser, better productive person, will surely go very far with your daughters insight into your life. JMHO, and regardless, I feel you are truly a very sincere father, whom only wishes to right a wrong...that a very young boy did long ago. I have noticed, you mentioned a few post back, your marriage was being stressed by ALL this. I was a little surprised, when you described your wife as a "robot"! This is a very troubeling aspect of your life, that should not be lefton the back burner. It must be very very hard for her to continue to see a man she loves and has stood by, turn into a consumed man of his past. I hope you are putting your extra "waiting time" into this marriage, for it is a sanctity of vital importance...MHO again. There are many things you can do while waiting for your daughter to grow...finding work, college, voulunteering, there are little boys every where whom could use your kindness, and be shown things, that they may not ever be given a chance to learn. This will also go far with your daughters views of you....sometime in her future. I, again, am only offering MY views of what you have given us. I am still very happy to know that , your relationship, wth your daughter is this important, and you have included all of us into your thoughts. Please keep us updated, we will be here to listen, and there are many wise ones ere to offer their views as well...more so than I Blessings...C.J.

[Xdad]

Thanks.
My marriage has it's ups and downs, and to call my wife a robot was perhaps uncalled for. We have been attending therapy sessions together, and everything is fine. The past year has brought so much happiness, and sadness that it gets confusing. (my wife works 70 hrs a week, so at times she is a robot LOL)
I have considered Volunteering, even a Big brothers kinda thing, we'll see. This week I am getting my 16 yr old niece for a long weekend, to teach her all I know about guitars, music etc. So this is a test run to see what it is like to interact with a teenager.
We'll be recording some of her music as well.
Last night my daughter cried herself to sleep listening to Joy Division, and Echo and the Bunnymen... (two bands that I find important...she's got her dads taste )

I want to point her in the right direction, a support forum, but I don't want her to stumble across my posts...or do I?

On another suject.... I need to edit one of my posts as I included her name, which I'd rather not be there... help?

[millie58]

Her address. Nice letter. Keeping fingers crossed that it works out for you.

[Janeytwo]

Hey XDad,

The downer on this is that it seems that my daughter asked a 24 yr old religious zealot for some advise

LOL! The two most dangerous words in any dictionary "religious zealot" and "24 year old".

Good grief!

You know what comes to my mind immediately upon hearing those two terms; a couple of sayings.

On the zealot: Opinions are like you-know-whats. Everybody's got one.

And the zealots have more than their fair share! LOL! IMO, that's usually because they haven't had a life and wouldn't know what to do with one if they did!

On the 24 year old: There was this comedianne - can't remember which one though I want to say it was Dennis Leary (but not sure). Anyway he said that anyone from age 19-25 should stop offering their opinions, strike a pose and shut the *(*& up!

IMO - you're standing by and doing your best to learn is showing your daughter something about you; about your desire to be there for her. Sigh....like the rest of us who've been parents to teens, it's just a matter of hanging on by the skin of your teeth and loving them anyway.

Don't know about the editing of the name thing. Maybe you could contact one of the Moderators?

Hugs to ya!