[quantum]

Sounds like mom wants to keep up a dialogue which sounds FANTASTIC! considering the age of your daughter.
You must be on cloud 9.

[Xdad]

Now I have the satisfaction that she is aware of me and all... Where to go from here? The letter was sure to let me know to wait for my daughter to come to terms with it. Should I send my ex information about me and what I have done in the past 15 years. I went to HS with my ex and didn't have much contact then. What I'm saying is that my Facebook page or Myspace pages only cover what is my current whim, and they both don't get deep and down to who I am. Should I write a "getting to know XDAD" letter?
What are some questions that a 15 year old might want answered?
I guess the answer is to keep in contact with my ex for any questions?

[paigeturner]

I would keep the contact with your ex until your daughter says she is interested in contact. I like the idea of a getting to know me letter addressed to your ex. That way she can share the information with your daughter. Think about what 15 year olds like. What's your favorite music? What was your first car? Do you have a cool ride now? I would think about sharing your favorite activities and that sort of thing. Keep it light but share stuff about yourself that they can't find out online.

Good luck. This is pretty exciting!

[Xdad]

Hey gang, not much news here. Summer is in full swing, so my ex has less private time to exchange emails..she has 4 other children. Loaded up my profile pages with old and new pics. I am now "friends" with my ex on Facebook, So I can check in on new photos they take together. Good stuff, but not direct contact yet.

[Xdad]

Communtication my her mother has gotten more casual, my daughter has known about me since she was 2, working on the relationship I had with her mother...you know we were good friends at one time. She tries to talk about me to my daughter, but she isn't interested, but I suspect that she is very interested, but quite a bit to swallow right now. Starting a note campaign between her mother and I so she can see on facebook the interaction. (she is on her mothers facebook page allot).
Letting her learn more about me as a voyer. I am a rollercoaster, but most recently, am at ease with everything...time, **** you time. I am sure ther are books to read about this type of situation...suggestions?

[sstuart]

I am sure as a 15yo girl that she is curious--just probably a little scared right now. I do not have any suggestions for reading. The Prrimal Wound" is the adoptee's perspective. It may be somewhat helpful to you. I hope all continues to go well for you.

[Xdad]

So its been a couple of months. I am really starting to feel that I will always be judged for the decisions made 15 years ago, that I have no role in their lives. I suppose what goes around, comes around. I'm not sure which step this is, but I feel like giving up. Her mother said that My daughter will contact me if she wants to. So I have to stop "interfering" with their lives, and get on with my own life. It hurts more now, than before I had any contact. I feel that if there is no interest now, why expect it down the road. After all, I am just a "donor". Cest la vie.

[Xdad]

Well, that last post really said it all. But amazing what difference a phone call can make. YES!!! I GOT A SUPRISE PHONE CALL FROM MY EX!
She called me out of the blue and we talked for the 1st time in 14 years. It was great to talk directly with her...emails are missleading and to easy to write.
Syll waiting to hear from my daughter, but having fun reading her interaction with her mother on her facebook page...my daughter sees my communications, and sometimes makes comments regaring my posts...not exciting posts to anyone but me. Thank you for the emails concerning the last post, I'm feeling much better now.

[paigeturner]

xdad,

Congratulations on the progress! And thank you for keeping us updated. Your daughter's mom sounds like a pretty wonderful person.

[Xdad]

Hello all, still much the same, but with a new twist.... me and my ex dug up past feelings that we had hidden so deep that we had forgot. That screws it up a bit...I hhave been married for 14 years, my ex at least 13 years, My ex has 5 kids ttl. It is weird how this reunion has brought our that strange emotion. I believe it is real, but that more a thing of the past then what is current. She is a great girl, mother etc, I messed it all up. I am happy with my choice for a wife, she is very cool. I arranged a meeting in NOVEMBEF with my ex and her husband, but am thinking of cancelling it...I am nervous, and what should I expect to accomplish? I don't know?

[rainmon]

Hi xdad....
If I were you....I would wait until my daughter was ready to communicate on her own...
what is going on now may not be the way you should get to know your daughter....through her mother.


#1. does your wife know you are communicating with her all the time? or are you being secretive?

#2. Is your exwife also feeling this strong connection?
is she encouraging these feelings from you ?


She did tell you at one point to go on with your life without interfering with them anymore....so did You ?????
but then she calls you...and initiates contact again.
I think she is sending you some very mixed signals.... or toying with you....dangleing her daughter like the prize? playing games, and a very dangerous game at that.

Maybe you just want to give your daughter your love so much that you are mixing those feelings in with her mother. and maybe you want your daughters love so so badly you are just getting confused now with her mothers attentions. this seems to be a very unhealthy situation for you.
Imo, you need to put some distance between you & the b-mom now if you are starting to feel the wrong kind of feelings for her. you may be getting in over your head here, and I strongly recommend that you back off very quickly.....Just get busy with other things....stay off her facebook, let this fizzle out.
and wait patiently for your daughter to be ready on her own, and contacts you on her own.
You mentioned "your reunion"...but "this" is not your reunion with your daughter...this is just a reunion with your exwife and that is not what it is supposed to be happening here, is it?! and another thought......
What if in November, only your exwife shows up.
it could happen....stranger things have.
would your wife ever accept your b-daughter into your family later down the road if she even suspects something is going on between you & ex? I know it would not be daughters fault, but it could really make things very painful....for everyone.
IMO It could "really" screw things up for your future Reunion with your daughter.

[lovemy2boys]

These are some wise words from rainmom.

Keep in mind, the feelings you are experiencing regarding your ex are skewed...You two are going through a positive time right now (i.e. - speaking to your ex when you went so long thinking that you wouldn't...holding on to hopes that you will be reunited with your daughter at some point). It's easy to remember all the good - but there is a history there, both good and bad, and sometimes it's easy to forget all the turmoil that you've gone through.

I'm sure neither of you have ulterior motives...you're both probably just excited to reconnect after all this time for the benefit of your daughter...I know you said that the feelings are more about the past then the present, but it's very easy to get caught up in the emotions from the past - so be cautious that you don't allow something that is "unreal" to disrupt your reality...you've built a good relationship with a good woman, and you don't want to destroy that.

I probably seem like I'm overreacting, but I've seen it happen in a eerily similar situation with my Aunt - and boy, did it have disasterous results. What started out as something innocent ended up ruining 2 families.

I'd keep EVERYTHING between the two of you about your daughter only...and like Rainmom said - not sure if a November meeting is a good idea, but if you are going to do it, I'd make sure your wife is there as well, and that your ex knows that she's going to be there...

Good luck to you.